Smart Bitches Trashy Books | All of the romance, none of the bullshit.

There are a great many resources for folks who are hunting down that obscure category romance from the early back-when to the late days-of-yore, and a great many more resources for people who seek out the latest news and information about the romance world, from writing to reading to - woohoo! - shopping. When I’m looking for news of the genre, I think to myself, “Self, you know where you need to go to find out about new and somewhat innovative small online businesses seeking to serve the avid romance reader? You need to read the U.S. News & World Report.”

From their article on 28 April about the success of small businesses online despite mega-retailers and a very sad and mopey US economy comes this fascinating profile of Derek Stafford, founder and owner of (get ready to bookmark this one because I’d never spell it correctly if you asked me to) Lughnassadh Books:

Trying to compete with Amazon and other behemoths is daunting. But with the right strategy, an entrepreneur with limited resources can cash in on the boom in online retailing. Derek Stafford, who founded and runs the website Lughnassadh Books, sums up his outlook this way: “One of the best ways to compete with Amazon is not to.”

Stafford has been selling used books from his website since 1999. In the early days, he says, he would sell pretty much anything he could find. But now, he says, “I’ve gotten more and more specialized.” He stopped selling all fiction except Harlequin romance novels, for which he discovered a distinct niche market. This focus gives him a brand that distinguishes Lughnassadh from the big boys. He’s trying to create a comprehensive listing of all the Harlequin romance novels to further develop this brand and establish himself as a one-stop source for genre aficionados. “Even if I can’t be the seller, I want to be the source,” Stafford explains.

That’s right: his store has an entire section of nothing but Harlequin romance novels, and there’s a forum attached to the store for customers who can’t remember the name of the book they’re looking for (no one ever has that problem around here. Least of all me).

Thanks to Melissa, who sent me the link to this marvelous bit of Colin-footage:

Melissa asks: “I wonder if he works for the person who makes the succubus rings?”

Sarah asks: “Exactly how wrong is the amount of time I spent wondering whether the photos of Colin’s Colin were online already, and whether I wanted to pollute my search history by looking for them? 80% wrong? 90% wrong? Utterly, completely, and torrentially wrong? How does one quantify that amount of wrong?”

So much of the trade-sized books marketed towards us women deal with fellow women doing what I call “playing the FU Card.” Playing the FU card describes the moment when a woman seizes her own life with 9 fingers, lifting that all important middle finger on her dominant hand to whatever, or whomever, has been telling her she ought to do otherwise than embrace her own (dare I say it) potential. Commence sucking of marrow, and possibly other items depending on the book, and living of life. 

Seeing Me Naked is about playing the FU Card. Elisabeth Page is the daughter of a famous 60’s rebel novelist. Her mother is an effortlessly graceful WASPy hostess with kindness and best intentions everywhere, particularly when smoothing over the massive divots left by her husband in the pristine lawn of her life. Elisabeth’s brother has just published his own novel, and is trying to move out from under the shadow of his father’s success to establish his own. Elisabeth herself has chosen something far, far from writing as her own career: she’s a pastry chef. She’s landed a job at a marvelous restaurant in LA, working under a typically outlandish and demanding crazy ass of a head chef, and her world is a cycle of hot coffee, her Blackberry, cooking, dealing with her quietly dedicated assistant Samuel, and her noxiously malignant backstabbing assistant Julie. In between the daily cycles of her life, every now and again she has to make an appearance at home, which is, of course, ripe with high peaks of drama.

Some old-school cover gems from the woman who perfected the “If she can tell the difference between the identical twins, it must be twu wuv!” schtick in Romancelandia.

Back in July of 2006, I reviewed Phyllida and the Brotherhood of Philander, which at the time was published by the author, Ann Herendeen, through AuthorHouse. Now, three years later, HarperCollins is publishing Phyllida , on sale today at bookstores every-freaking-where. How is this cool? Well, not only did it go from self-pub to HarperCollins, but Phyllida is a gay Regency, with a m/m/f setup. 

The book is garnering a good amount of attention - which is awesome - and both romance sites and bloggers are reviewing and celebrating it. How freaking cool! Congrats to Herendeen, and to Phyllida, who is a very ballsy heroine, though not in the way her husband would prefer. 

So here is a six dollar question:

On one hand, you have me musing that poor and unprofessional behavior on the part of some authors could in fact drag down the entire genre, and such behavior ought to be discussed because if I have one WTF question about the community of romance, it’s “Why on earth do so many people act as if writing romance is akin to joining a social club? It’s a business, for fuck’s sake.”

And on the other hand, or the other side of my arse, depending on your point of view, there’s Karen, and Jane, and me, all asking at varying times, “Wait, why can’t authors criticize their publisher? If the ground is supposedly saturated with the crazy sauce, and a publisher or publishers are acting in a manner that can only be described as unprofessional, why can’t an author speak up and say so?”

The question is this: where is the middle ground? Is there one? Where does professionalism end and self-preservation as a small business owner begin? Or vice versa?

Another blind item landed in my inbox, and each one is more interesting than the next. You like the blind items?  Hate them with a burning, itchy passion? Let me know.

On to the item of limited vision:

This NYT Author’s deviltry won’t come as any surprise to many of her colleagues, as sources say she’s not made many friends in the way of authors, reviewers, or, according to some fans who attended a recent weekend, members of her own fanbase.

The scene: a restaurant, a relatively mellow mealtime during a recent conference. The Author is chatting and, given the gradual increase in volume, possibly arguing with her companions when the waitress approaches to take their order. The Author doesn’t stop her conversation, and waitress is standing, waiting, ignored, for some time. One of the companions at the table invites The Author kindly to relax a moment so the waitress can take their orders.

Commence ruckus at the table: loud crashing and smashing noises and even louder “Goddammit!” as she stands up. By this time, the restaurant is silent and staring, but the still quiet does not give The Author any pause. She hollers at her companions that she will not relax, and that this brash companion has no business telling The Author what to do. The Author then makes her way quickly out of the restaurant.

The waitress, who was understandably shocked and a little embarrassed, tells our source of this fury-tale that The Author’s companions made attempts to apologize on The Author’s behalf and begged that the waitress excuse The Author’s rudeness. But The Author overhears this smoothing-over and bellows from the doorway to a very attentive audience of both her own party and everyone else at every other table in the restaurant that no one should dare apologize on her behalf. Then, The Author departs.

The audience is silent, until a curtain of conversation descends upon every table, each person uttering a variation of, “Did you see that?”

Every so often I get a slap-upside-the-head reminder as to how big and important and powerful romance novels can be. Case in point: the following message from Bitchery reader N, who asks for your collective help in assembling a reading list:

Several people have suggested that I ask you and your readers.

I am looking for a book which may not exist.

I have a friend whose mother is a battered wife. She reads romance novels.

I am looking for a romance novel which I can lend her which has the
following themes/ideas/plotpoints/whatever-you-want-to-call-them:

-woman leaves abusive spouse
-woman is okay on her own
-woman finds true love with non-abusive man

Does anyone have any suggestions?

Novels that portray the healing of fair and respectful love and the triumph of people over abusive pasts? There are more than a few in romance, obviously. My first recommendation, Montana Sky by Nora Roberts, which features three women in varying stages of strength, one of whom is on the run from an abusive, obsessive spouse.

However, books aside, please know, N., that I hope your friend’s mother finds her own strength to move to a place of safety and healing very, very soon. 

This week’s Time Magazine features an article about the Stephanie Meyer novels, and the phenomenon surrounding her books, Rowling’s, and the other fantastical YA novels that seem to have spawned entire societies of fans.

The article, written by Lev Grossman, made one point that jumped out of the web page and smacked me on the nose:

“There’s no literary term for the quality Twilight and Harry Potter (and The Lord of the Rings) share, but you know it when you see it: their worlds have a freestanding internal integrity that makes you feel as if you should be able to buy real estate there.”

True that, double true. But it’s happening repeatedly, this desire to immerse oneself in a world created in a book, be it urban fantasy, science fiction, or paranormal romance, and it fascinates me. There are books I think about often (damn you Black Ships, quit following me around) and books I enjoy over and over just to visit the characters and their world, but I don’t know that I’ve personally read a book, that had such deft worldbuilding that I wanted to set up a yurt and move in for awhile.

However, and I’ve had to recognize this strong preference on my part recently, I’m a historical romance girl all the way. I like urban fantasy, I like paranormals, contemporaries, a mix of the three, science fiction, fantasy, whatever you name it. I dabble in everything but I love me a straight up historical romance. Considering my personal preference within the context of world building makes me wonder, though - can establishment of a historical setting be considered “world building,” or is it more “world reconstructing?” And do I prefer the historical because the same “world” is accessed by so many different authors using the same researched elements of long-past societies and countries? I must ponder this one further.

So who builds great worlds for you? What world from a book would you want to camp out in for awhile? 

Liz writes in with more than a few details, but her efforts to locate this book, or the trilogy of which it is a part, have been thwarted:

For the life of me I cannot remember the author of this category that I read ages ago. It’s driving me nuts because I want to read it again, the complete set.

I think it was a Mills & Boon but it could be a Silhoutte (sp?). I read this when I was 14. I remember the title was Chris. I know there is a trilogy. It was about three siblings from a winemaking family in Portugal (I think). There is an older brother which I can’t remember the name, Chris is the second brother, Francesca is the sister’s name. I know Francesca ended up with a millionaire Texan cowboy or oil baron in her book, his name is Sam. Can’t remember anything about the older brother’s book.

Ok here’s the gist of Chris (this is the first book). I think the heroine is called Tiffany (???). When the book started, Tiffany (?) was a gold digger, she planned to hook the older brother into being her sugar daddy. There was a party right at the start at the hero’s family home in Portugal (I’m pretty sure it’s in Portugal, but I could be totally wrong). Chris saw through Tiffany’s plan and he either threatened/blackmailed/seduced her into being his mistress instead, or something like that. They moved to New York where he looked after their American branch. I remembered Tiffany ended up pregnant, Chris thought she had an abortion, can’t remember anything except that at the end he found her back in Portugal several months later with a massive belly thus realizing he had wrongly accused her of killing their baby. I’m sure there was some kind of misunderstanding.

I hope the amazing awesomeness of the Bitchery can help me out. I remembered really enjoying the book when I was reading it. It was one of my first category that I read and actually liked. I really want to read it again. Many thanks.

ETA: Oops. Posted the wrong one earlier. This is the correct HaBO. I’m sure it was all a big misunderstanding between my undercaffeinated brain and my very quick fingers. 

The only thing sexier than a funny skinny nerd...are two funny skinny nerds who love cats.

Watch for the Corporal Cuddling and the noises the cats make. I think I ruptured something with my giggling.

You know those sets of soaps that people give as hostess gifts? I need a host gift - specifically, a web host gift. Seems the fine folks at Esosoft who work in the tech support department and answer all my crazy email have never read a romance. They helped us out big time like damn and mon dieu back in January, and for some of the folks who were working with me, this site was their first exposure to the romance genre. So I figure, it’s time for them to experience the best of the genre.

Robert, who works tech support with other awesome folks, says that he, and many of his coworkers, are fans of mystery/detective and some sci-fi. So, what romance novel would you recommend? What’s new and rocking your socks? (Note: house rule - you are welcome to pimp your own books, but please also suggest at least one other book that is not written by yourself or any of your known aliases. Thanks!)

Back when I sent Paul Tolme a romance novel, the most frequently mentioned book was Northern Lights by whats-her-name. Nora Roberts. That’s right. Anyway. What would you recommend for tech support at our hosting service? I aim to send them an awesome romance. 

Back in the day, I used to be a conference and meetings person - professionally. Those of you who have had that job know how challenging it is, akin to herding cats while each cat is wearing a magnet. Sometimes they all line up and head off in a group. Sometimes, all those magnets face the wrong way and everyone is repelled into different directions. Sometimes, people forget to clean the litterbox.

A few people have emailed me to say, “OMG, did you HEAR about the CRAZY that went on with one of the Mr. Romance candidates?” Several emailed me eyewitness accounts of what was really a scary and altogether sad situation, and really, there’s only so much crazy that can be attributed to the the sleepless, hardworking conference organizers. RT and the folks that run it had no idea that this particular individual would cause such a scene in the midst of 1500 people causing a more entertaining scene. But, it does make me think of the more OMGWTF moments I’ve seen and heard of in conference planning.

Hotels under construction? RTsters just finished that experience, and my sources tell me the hotel assured the organizers that the reno would be completed. Yeah, that wasn’t quite true. By a longshot. As for me, I’ve been to other conferences where the hotel was under construction - and the time difference was such that I wanted to sleep while the sledgehammering was in full swing. Hotel and convention staff work hard, but one person with the wrong intentions or who’s just having a dumb moment can foul up things like damn and whoa. My very worst conference experience isn’t even remotely funny, but oh my, there have been some much, much worse happenings at conferences that would make your eyes bug out.

OK, you know that horrible, horrible, tawdry and really skin-crawlingly revolting song by Heart that I can’t even name because just READING the title puts that earworm bastard in your head for the next six to eight weeks? The one about the one night stand that ends up in a pregnancy because the chick wanted a baby and so she banged some guy on the side of the road? No, wait, you like that song? I will pay you cash money not to sing it to me because I cannot stand it and it stays in my head for years. Oh, crap, I can hear it right now in the back of my mind… MAKE IT STOP.

Anyway, my mental torture notwithstanding, I have a HaBO from Suzanne, and while it doesn’t involve a pregnancy, it does sound very close to that creep-ass song:

I have been amazed at how well the Bitchery can determine a book from minimal hints, and wondered if you would be so kind as to ask them about a book I read years ago (probably early eighties, and I think I got it out of a bag of books my Mom kept). I was a young mother staying at home with the kids at the time, and was very caught up in reading romances (still am!).  I don’t think it was a category book.

All I remember is an attractive woman whose car breaks down while she is driving in the country, and she is stranded and rescued by a handsome guy (of course).  He takes her back to his cabin (or country house?), and of course they have a romantic encounter; she knows everything about him, but she doesn’t tell him anything about herself...very mysterious.  Of course, she is gone in the a.m. when he wakes.  He searches, she hides, etc. etc., then they finally meet at a party or something, and it turns out she is unhappily married to an older guy.  Thus the conflict, as he feels betrayed, yada, yada, and I remember vaguely, I think the old guy gets sick or dies, and anyway, after much hurt feelings and conflict, they get together.

Wow, can’t believe anyone will be able to tell me the name of this book from such a miserable bit of info, but would really love to read it again.

Do you think they can help??

Does this ring a bell? Anyone? Wait, what’s that you’re humming? STOP IT. STOP IT RIGHT NOW. 

What, more links? Why, yes, indeed!

James Patterson discusses his new book, a “romance” with the Palm Beach Daily News, and says that romances are “hard to do,” though he cautions that this isn’t a “real romance novel” (What does that mean, precisely, no sex?) Mysteries, for Patterson, are “easy.”

Now, what struck me is his accounting of his collaborative process:

Sundays at Tiffany’s was written with North Carolina-based children’s author Gabrielle Charbonnet in the collaborative style that Patterson developed about 10 years ago. It has been a key element in his increasingly prolific output.

“We’re hung up in this country about individualism,” said Patterson, who compares his collaborative process for writing novels to the traditionally accepted manner in which film and television writers develop their products. “Why can’t a book be created this way?”

Of course, with his celebrated status and reputation for enormous sales, it’s also a means for Patterson to give a lesser-known or aspiring writer an opportunity to break into the best-seller league — and earn what he describes as a “nice” amount of money....

When the decision is made to do a book with a co-writer, Patterson takes the general idea for the story and develops a detailed outline, which lays out the content and action of each chapter.

“It’s like screenplay for the novel,” he said. “One of my agents told me that when they saw the outline they said, ‘With this, I could write the book.’”

The co-writer then does a first draft based on the outline.

“I take it from there,” he said,

It’s like an updated version of the Sweet Valley High books, or the latter-day book package concepts, only with one dude at the helm.

Patterson is also lending his name and image to marketing campaigns for the very sexy Sony Reader, which comes complete with a copy of Patterson’s latest, The Women’s Murder Club. (And if the Sony Reader doesn’t blow your skirt up, the Kindle is back in stock. ).

And completely unrelated but still cool: Lori Devoti is part of a badass panel at WisCon, coming soon to the Wisconsin near you, about Being the Heroine of a Romance Novel Doesn’t Make Me Weak . Now that is something I want to see - a bunch of feminist fantasy ladies discussing empowerment of romance heroines and their strength, narratives, and sexuality. Word up. Something tells me that panel won’t be “your grandmother’s romance,” or “Patterson’s romance” either!