Smart Bitches, Trashy Books | Romance Novel Reviews | Come for the Dominican Bitches, Stay for the Man Titty

by SB Sarah • Saturday, March 15, 2008 at 12:13 PM

Bitchery Reader Kaetchen writes:

I have been searching in vain for a book that I read when I was in 8th or 9th grade – so about 1985. I don’t believe that the book was new even when I read it, though. I spent the summer with my granny, and found the book at her house, and boy, was it a doozy (this said with Granny’s bathroom read of, “The Blow Job” taken into account – I am not shitting you!).

The plot, as best I can remember (and greatly reduced – this was a *hurkin’* great book):

Young girl is ravished by Prince Regent. Ends up marrying BIG dupe, and “adopting” her own baby by PR. Dupe Husband gets turned on when Young Mother lactates for the baby (you’d think that he’d have gotten clue from that?), thereby getting it on with mother, and providing twin half-brothers for little girl baby.

No, wait, it gets better.

Shit happens (financial ruin?) and Dupe takes off to America, not returning quickly enough for Dimwit Young Mother, who takes the now 12-or-so-year-old girl, dresses them both as lads (sigh), and buys them passage to America in search of Dupe. More shit happens (discovery, pirates, storms), and eventually girl winds up in Africa, as bride to tribal king’s son. Happily preggers, she ends up getting beaten by rival tribe, losing baby, almost dying, yadda, yadda, yadda.

Slavers come and steal her whole tribe, and she ends up… (here it’s fuzzy)?? In a harem?? YES! That’s it! She ends up in a harem, because she finds her mother there. Whatever. Several hundred pages of more shit happening, all the while determined to find her male family again.

I do know that she eventually ends up in the good ol’ USofA, falls in love with Random Guy. Despite this, she goes back to England, where Prince Regent falls for her, too (ew). There’s a third guy, too, I think in all of this, one of those ‘husband back from the dead’ sorts of things. WAY too many men to remember.

But the girl finds her twin brothers eventually, by way of a red-stoned ring that one of them has. Much rejoicing, and eating of Sir Robin’s minstrels ensues.

She eventually has to choose amongst her vast number of lovers/suitors (why, I don’t know), picks Random Guy (I think), moves to America, has surgery to repair uterine damage done by tribal beating (how convenient that she had birth control for all those years and all those men!), and promptly pushes out many sets of twins and triplets.

Now, even as a quite young woman, my shitemeter was way off the charts for this one. But the author actually claimed in her afterword that the whole story was true, taken from a bible and a diary that were found in the false bottom of a cradle that she found in the attic of an old house. Uh-huh. Riiight.

I could have sworn that the book was named “Elise” after the heroine, but I’ve searched that name and come up with nothing. If any at the bitchery could help, I’d dearly love to see if this book is as gawdawful as I remember.

Holy cowpokes, Batman. That’s just tripe inside a crunchy taco shell of holy shit. Somebody know what this book is?

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