With the recent slamming of political candidates based on fiction they’ve written that includes sex scenes, I think the time has come to formulate the perfect political candidate.
First and foremost, we need to find someone who has never actually had sex. Let’s suppose that our candidate is a woman, because it’s even more important that she be completely ignorant of sex, since everyone knows all women are deceitful hobags, right? Right.
So, no sex. But if this person has children, they were either delivered by stork directly to a basinette on the front lawn (during temperate hours of course) or they were left to her virginal care by her sister, who died an untimely death in a sympathetic and noble accident. Perhaps something with a tree. Or a loose brick in the road. Either way: virgin heroine, adorable children.
She needs to be smart but not too smart, pretty but not too pretty, with wit and charm but also quietly concealed will and backbone that won’t tolerate another man walking all over her, no sir!
Finally, we need no possible rumors of drug use or even an awareness of them within 30 feet of her person. Perhaps she doesn’t actually have lungs or veins with which to carry the drugs to her brain. If she has no lungs and no circulatory system, then there’s no way she could possibly do drugs.
I’m thinking the best possible political candidate might be a member of the virginal undead. I knew all these vampire romances were going to get us into trouble.
Depends on what vampire series she’s all about.
Since some people make vampires out to be regular people, with regular jobs, with no blood-sucking fetishes.
Either PPC is going to burnt to a crisp or so pale she’s “gray”.
Wait, she’s perfect.
Damn.
“Depends on what vampire series she’s all about”
In all the vampire series I’ve read there’s no way she’ll be vigrinal. Unless she’s a centuries old child vampire. But then she would be twisted and have to torture people as a result of never hitting puberty.
Or, for children, she could get knocked up and then have a case of amnesia which results in her forgetting all about how babies are made and deals with her sex drive at the same time.
I have a suspicion that in the current political climate, a completely virginal political candidate would just attract attack ads claiming she was secretly a lesbian.
You know, this reminded me of something I used to see all the time in romances and don’t anymore. Does anyone else remember that just when the virginal heroine and her studmuffin were getting to the good part, she’d reveal that she was on The Pill? And of course, said studmuffin would pull away, because studmuffins don’t sleep with hoochie mamas. So she would be forced to admit, blushing and embarrassed, that it was to regulate her period. Thus she was a still a good girl and could make with the hot monkey sex….
I just realized you don’t see that anymore.
Hm. Try this on: your hypothetical candidate should be raising her younger siblings after their parents were killed in a plane crash. She somehow managed to raise them while putting herself through law school at night, as she refused to draw welfare which might unduly tax the already over-exploited system. Let’s assure her virginity by stating that her fiancee—who gave her a promise ring during middle school—is currently on a missionary trip in the Phillipines, and that they are due to be married upon his return. Can’t get any more wholesome and all-American than that, can you?
As for the drugs . . . she was raised in a convent? Or is that too Catholic for mainstream politics?
“Does anyone else remember that just when the virginal heroine and her studmuffin were getting to the good part, she’d reveal that she was on The Pill? And of course, said studmuffin would pull away, because studmuffins don’t sleep with hoochie mamas.”
Damn! That must be where all those stupid girls back in high school got the idea that “nice girls don’t use BC, because that means you’re planning to have sex and nice girls don’t plan to have sex.” I always wanted to slap them upside the head and then give them hard shake just for good measure.
Damn! That must be where all those stupid girls back in high school got the idea that “nice girls don’t use BC, because that means you’re planning to have sex and nice girls don’t plan to have sex.†I always wanted to slap them upside the head and then give them hard shake just for good measure.
And yet, isn’t this basically the logic of abstinence only sex ed programs? You don’t teach kids about condoms because if they know how to use them they’ll definitely have sex, being “prepared” and all?
That’s why I miss Forever Knight. Nick was a homicide detective, Janette owned a goth club, LaCroix was a late-night talk radio host, Urs was a singer. Everyone had a job, well except for that slacker, Vachon….
I’m just impressed you live in a country where the perfect political candidate could be a woman…
Ours would be a man. He has had sex, yes, but with his wife, who – hatchet faced in a nice suit – is also up for election in the constituency next door. The stuff about the male masseuse is so obviously untrue that we ignore it.
It’s all box ticking after that:
Churchgoer? tick
Intransigent? tick
Breathing? tick
Landslide. [And five years of getting paid more than the average bear while refusing to do the job – will the congregation please stand for a paean of praise to the wonders of democracy…]
I’m not sure where he lives in Romance Novel Land – probably in a Regency. Not a villain, exactly, but a John Dashwood type – the person who is the cause of the heroine having to leave the family estate and go to work as a governess for the slutty, but undeniably attractive, Lord Saiffus.
Alas, I’ve got no input on virginal vampier politicians (odd that it doesn’t sound as WRONG as it actually should), but I thought you might enjoy this quiz.
http://www.slate.com/id/2152402/?nav=tap3
Match the politician with the smut they wrote.