Smart Bitches Trashy Books | All of the romance, none of the bullshit.

Friends Into Lovers
I bitched briefly on Romancing the Blog today that many romance novel heroes and heroines aren’t particularly good friends. They’ll shag each other raw because of that Overwhelming Passion that turns the men into walking testimonials for Giant Cockstands R Us and the women into perpetually moistened bints, know what I mean nudge nudge wink wink (do I get marked down for mixing my Python references the way writing students get marked down for mixing their metaphors?). But when I close the book, although the hero and heroine are Madly In Lurve (or claim to be), they’re rarely In Like. And personally, I like it when the hero and heroine are friends as well as lovers, because let’s face it, the zingy sex and out-of-control chemistry can only last so long and take you so far.

That’s why I really dig it when good friends—sometimes people who grew up with each other—suddenly realize that HOLY CRAP, the other person’s really fucking hot. First of all, there’s a definite element of Forbidden Attraction here, which Beth has covered in some detail. The h/h are typically hesitant to get down and get funky because they don’t want to ruin their beautiful friendship, but ohhh, they can’t help themselves, the other person is SO HOT, and a little kiss can’t hurt, can it, just a little touch, and…. Sigh. I love this plot device. It’s rarely done well, because most authors cave in to temptation and have the two friends fighting tooth and nail and acting like complete assholes all of a sudden in an effort to introduce some conflict, when really, I love Friends Into Lovers books because I want to avoid all that bullshit arguing and screaming and hair-pulling.

Some books that have used this device to good effect are titles I’ve mentioned ad nauseam on this site: To Love and To Cherish by Patricia Gaffney, and Manhunting and Crazy for You by Jennifer Crusie.

Virgin Heroes
What can I say? I’m a dirty, dirty girl, and I love the role reversal this presents.

Wild Men
No, no, not hairy men with massive guts and a love for leather vests who go roaring off in their Harleys to the sound of Steppenwolf in the background. I’m talking former feral children, men who were raised in the wild, usually by wolves. This isn’t a plot device that’s been used very often, but since I had a Mowgli fetish when I was a little girl, the whole man-brought-up-by-wolves-and-finds-love-with-good-woman trope holds enormous appeal to me. Realistically, I know from reading about the few documented cases of children who were raised by wolves or other animals that they typically suffer from severe physical, social and developmental disorders, but yeah, FUCK realism, realism can kiss my ass. Wild At Heart by Patricia Gaffney has Forbidden Attraction, a Virgin Hero AND a Wild Man, which is why it’s one of the most re-read books I have in my collection. I was so sad when Anne Stuart totally copped out on Wild Thing and turned the guy into a Not Very Wild Thing After All.

Cross-Dressing Heroes
Just as I like cross-dressing heroines, I love me some cross-dressing heroes. First of all, I’m attracted to somewhat androgynous-looking men, so a guy pretty enough to convincingly portray a woman = hot. (Anyone remember that episode of 21 Jump Street in which Johnny Depp had to dress up as a woman? He was startlingly pretty, and Johnny-boy is one of the few crushes I’ve retained from my early years.) I kept Shadow Dance by Anne Stuart solely because I love Valerian and Sophie’s story so much; the main romance between Phelan and whatserface was pretty standard angsty fare.

Tortured Heroes
And I’m talking REALLY tortured, not “wah wah my parents were not faithful to each other so I’ll use this as an excuse to act like a complete buttmunch.” To illustrate, here’s a conversation just last Saturday between me and the Very Tall Husband, who’s reading Seize the Fire between playing Doom 3 and Knights of the Old Republic (interpretation: progress is very, very slow, because computer games in which he gets to kick 3,256 different types of ass > romance novel):

VTH: You know, that Sheridan is a real jerk.
Candy: Isn’t he, though? I still love him. He’s a total rat fucking bastard, but damn, he’s funny.
VTH: Yeah, but I understand now why he’s such an asshole. His dad was the Grand Cockmaster. I mean, telling his ten-year-old son “Hey, I’m going to send you to Vienna…”
Candy: “…so you can study music and be immersed in everything you love…”
VTH: “Totally, and here, all these nice men on the ship will look after you, but oh, hey, PSYCH! YOU’RE IN THE NAVY! SUCKS TO BE YOU!” Jesus. What a father.

Again, I know that realistically, people with extremely troubled childhoods are disproportionately likely to repeat the same patterns of abuse with their future families, but I’m enough of a sucker to enjoy reading about the All-Redeeming Power of Love and believing that these extremely troubled men are able to confront their demons and find true happiness with the love of their lives. So very satisfying, plus there’s usually a good grovel at the end of the book where they apologize to the heroine endlessly for the shit she’s had to put up with. Ahhhh, sweet, sweet payback.

Addendum:
Other plot devices I like that I remembered in the course of discussing this in the Comments:
- Guardian/Ward romances
- Older Women/Younger Men