Just like last week, this week’s cover snarkage is thanks to LoveSpace. Maili, I swear I’ll use it for its intended purpose some day, instead of alternating between drooling over the banner and laughing hysterically at the covers.
Candy: Wow, dude looks pissed. But you’d be pissed off, too, if you’d been bathed in radioactive isotopes for a million years. Hey, I’ve figured out his super power: He’s Cervical Cancer Treatment Man! Forget radiation therapy. One dose of Cervical Cancer Treatment Man’s love sauce, and you’ll be all better.
Sarah: This dude is having a bad day. His pants are both too low, and too tight. He’s hip-deep in glowing green goo in what looks like the lobby of an office building, and he can’t get past the kiosk to the men’s room. He’s not wearing a shirt. And, the worst part, somehow, this morning, his abs muscles were knitted into a strange staggered pattern which makes it impossible for him to walk without kicking one leg up in the air to move forward. No wonder he looks mad at the reader. He’s got to relive his goo-covered bad-abdominal day every time someone picks up the book.
Candy: Dude’s breathing into her face and thinking he’s hot shit, but the girl’s really thinking “I wish he’d gargle before talking in my face when he has gorgonzola and onions for dinner.”
Sarah: I SAID, MY NAME IS TROGDOR! I AM HERE TO BURNINATE YOU!
Anyone else glance at the typeface and think it said, “Lady Lurve®”?
Candy: OK, look at this cover, and look at last week’s snarking of Crystal Prophecy. Why do books with “Crystal” in their titles seem to feature a) hideous yellow satin dresses, b) ridiculous neck angles and c) positions that indicate some serious balloon-knot popping is about to commence?
Also, the woman seems far more enamored with the results of this morning’s leg shaving than she is with the hero.
Sarah: Is he trying to cure her leg cramps with anal sex? What is going on here? There appears to be some sort of sword poking out of her shin, too, so maybe she’s trying to remove the pointy end from her gastrocnemius before he puts his pointy end in her astronemius?
Either that, or Candy’s right, and she works for Nair while moonlighting as a cover model.
Candy: Poor Portia de Rossi. Before she landed gigs on Ally McBeal and Arrested Development, she was reduced to picking nits from the heads of male cover models to make a living.
Sarah: Thor bon-Buty never understood why all the women wanted to stroke his hair, but he never complained. He suspected it had something to do with the new energy source for the planet, the Liceor, which ate small bugs and used their exoskeletons for .0003 seconds of powerful energy.
But life would turn around for the bon-Buty warrior. The clan that had lived on his scalp had agreed to host their cousins from the south, and soon the women would be coming through the gentle hairs of another head, and another Far Star.
>>Also, the woman seems far more enamored with the results of this morning’s leg shaving than she is with the hero.<<
Well, gosh, who hasn’t had days like that? What guy can compare? Especially Mr. Backdoor.
In the plot overview I read of Stargazer, there was a mention of cryo tubes. Is he thawing out here or what? How do covers like this get past all the people at the publisher who have to approve them? Did nobody say, “Uhh, I think his abs are crooked, and he looks like he’s about to become a transporter casualty?”
>>Also, the woman seems far more enamored with the results of this morning’s leg shaving than she is with the hero.<<
Clearly, this cover was drawn to illustrate that old punchline: “I shaved my legs for this?”
Catch the consistent theme?
In the future, the law forbidding men to wear shirts *will* be universal—and it’ll be enforced anywhere humanoids dwell.
And apparently, Kate, they’re all required to wax, too.
Or maybe we’ll have bred chest hair out of the species by then.
Burninating the coun-try-side, burninating the peasants…
I had that song stuck in my head for a month once. Yay it’s back!
Trogdor!!!
Or maybe she DIDN’T shave, so she wouldn’t be tempted to sleep with him on the first date.
Ok so I’m ashamed that I have to share my online moniker with a horrible cover. But although I do agree, his pants are too tight, they aren’t too low. I like seeing their pelvic bones *shrugs* But good god, if I saw THAT pelvic bone coming towards me. Anything that glows green just isn’t that sexy.
What happened next:
Pex Laikrox looked around the room where he had been ‘ported. The avocado washing machines of a late 20th century laundromat gleamed balefully in the fading light of his transporter beam.
Shit. That stupid moron, Banza V’Stiil had screwed with the wavefunction variable again. If only his arrival had been a split second earlier. An old lady in a muumuu and sweats was now hovering like a territorial ferret by dryer number 17. “Keep off! I’m not letting one of you future freaks steal my dryer! And put a shirt on. This isn’t a softdrink ad, you weirdo!”
“But that’s the only one that isn’t so hot it shrinks my pants. I need that dryer.”
“Tough nuggies. I’m onto you boys now. Stealing people’s baskets and leaving the lint screen all clogged up with space dust! You oughtta be ashamed.”
Pex grimaced. It sounded like that jerk, Rip Linsixpak had been in lately. Quantum laundry was tough enough without the competition pissing off the locals. He still hadn’t got back all his socks after Rip had cleared his stuff out of that spin dryer in Panama City. He’d learned a hard lesson that day, and never left his load unguarded now. But still, Rip travelled more among the lattes and laundromats set. This place was pretty basic. What had he been doing in such a shoestring operation?
evilauntie.
DAMN, YOU are a genius.
Or maybe I mean “damn [remove comma] you [add comma ‘you’]” because that plot is too fine to waste in a comments section.
EvilAuntiePeril, I’m really feeling Pex’s pain now … to make matters worse, the interstellar transport has obviously given him the worst crick in his neck.
Maybe his buddies could club together and get him a gift certificate for a head and neck massage with Portia de Rossi.
Or maybe she DIDN’T shave, so she wouldn’t be tempted to sleep with him on the first date.
I agree. You could almost hear her saying, “Keep off me! Look! Look at my legs, dammit! Nay, FEEL THEM!!”
Has anyone noticed that her breast is considerably bigger than her other breast? Hm, actually, I’m quite impressed that the nit picker and Lure Lady are flat-chested. Nice one.
Um, why am I doing this? Endorsing Candy and Sarah’s misuse of LoveSpace?
I admit, I’ve spent an hour or five playing the Trogdor game. Soothing somehow. Seems like a good antidote for “Lady Lurve.”
That Stargazer guy creeps me out. He’s like the Half-Man or something. Or maybe those “suggestions” of legs are are there to camouflage the fact that he’s walking around on two spindly little legs transporter-stolen from Gramma Moses, who is now a seventy-year-old kickbosing champion on Planet Zoog.
And I am wondering if that Crystal Fire title is just a euphemism for a particularly virulent space-hopping STD that the yello-clad lopsided heroine is just about to fall prey to?
KickboXing. Damn fingers. But yello-clad was deliberate, I swear.
I swear to God that that guy in the first cover (the freaky guy half dipped in goo) is the bad dude from the Terminator movies.
*shudder*
You’re right, Michelle! I knew I’d seen that guy somewhere before. The lowered chin, clenched jaw, and gunslinger arm pose are SO T-1000.
Arr, arr, arr. I gots me a metrosexual pirate on my blog. No…wait! It’s the CF dude! He’s two-timing Crystal Fire! (At least he loses the sideburns when he hits the high seas.)
and of course CF’s proud of her close shave. She did it with that naked sword.
I just want to know one thing…
Why do all of the male models all look constipated? Are they so unbelieveably sublime that they don’t even poo, jbut are required perform an act of immaculate excretion that unfortunately doesn’t always do the job?
I need more sleep.
Mistress Stef said: Why do all of the male models all look constipated?
Defecation is not permitted in romance novels. Those grimaces are from chapters and chapters of holding it in.
Wow, there are so many things wrong with the Crystal Fire cover that it’s hard to know where to start. The heroine is sitting on that sword, which has got to be uncomfortable.
And yes, I did think Lady Lure looks like Lady Lurve at first glance.
There’s a Trogdor game??? Where?
—-> is the proud owner of a Trogdor t-shirt.
That green goo is scary and fuzzy too!