Smart Bitches Trashy Books | All of the romance, none of the bullshit.

I watched the whole damn movie, despite many, many distractions in my world. My review in six points:

1. Why must the head villain be a mumbling British guy who has two expressions: sneer and not sneer?

The other villains were MUCH more interesting. Jack Yang should have received a LOT more screen time, to say nothing of the blonde geeky bad guy who totally bit it in the end. Yang and the small blonde geek (was that Jonathan Chase?) would make a GREAT bad guy duo. Hell, give them their own show. Forget the murmuring British sneer-not-sneer guy. He tried for creepy and come out with annoying. The backup bad guys shot the Roomba, which made them exponentially more awesome.

2. The heroine was played by Deanna Russo. If Jorja Fox, Kim Delaney and the Noxema chick had a love child, it would be her. She also has this incredibly distracting birthmark on her neck right over her trachea and I kept wondering if that would be the target for the sniper when the writers decide to off her.

3. Sydney Tamiia Poitier played what had to be the dumbest law enforcement officer in the world. I shall share the secret location of my target ... using speakerphone! Brilliant idea! Her big moment was nodding at the death of the sheriff who betrayed her trust. It was stupid.

But it could have been SO cool. Hot surfing lesbian FBI agent who gets down with hot women in the opening scene? WORD. Actual execution of said character? Tapwater.

4. Val Kilmer as KITT: Bonus, Honus. Well done.

5. And oh, the Hoff. Wooden dialogue? Check. Exceptionally wooden face to match dialogue? Check. Utterly inane dialogue that didn’t make any sense? Check. At one point in his big scene at the end, I turned to Hubby and said, “Is this really happening?”

Hoff: I speak words.
Justin Bruening: I speak other words.
Hoff: MY words make no sense.
Justin Bruening: I attempt to make sense with your words.
Hoff: Give it up, son.

6. Speaking of Justin Bruening, not since Moonlight have such talented actors been given such craptastic dialogue. Bruening worked miracles with the crap he was given, and even cracked me up with his delivery and timing. Seriously, he’ll be huge in another year, I bet.

So the short answer: to quote Hubby’s review of Don’t Hassel the Hoff: “It was terrible. I enjoyed it immensely.”

In fact, that’s what Hubby said when we finished the movie: “That was awful. If it was a show I’d totally watch it.”

If we add that to the queue, our DVR is going to unplug itself and march off the job. But I can’t resist the lure of bad entertainment with so much promise. 

32 comments •
Categories:

Tags: This entry has not been tagged yet.