Smart Bitches Trashy Books | All of the romance, none of the bullshit.

We Smart Bitches hereby decree that no author shall use the following words in any sex scene:

- Whorls (especially describing chest hair)
- Flat copper/flat penny (so as to describe nipples)
- Weeping / sobbing (if describing pussy)
- Tits
- Cringe-inducing oxymorons like “savage tenderness”
- Actually, just nix the word “savage” from love scenes, period
- Nobody’s voice is allowed to ache unless they have the flu
- Look, just let hair be hair, OK? Enough already with the “flowing locks” and “silken tresses” bullshit.
- Orbs
- Quivering mounds of ANYTHING--are you writing about blancmange or people?
- Love grotto
- Every time I read “dance as old as time,” it makes me so mad, I want to punch somebody in the crotch. HARD. So please don’t use it. Think of all the crotches you’re saving from my wrath.
- Just as the cunny is not a face and cannot weep or sob, the groinal region does NOT have a weather system; when you combine both and have an unlikely body part rain tears of desire, that just makes Baby Jebus rain many, many tears of sadness.
- Comparing a cock to a pointy weapon mostly makes us go “ow,” so enough with the love-spear, mmmkay?
- One word for seafood metaphors and similes: NO. Even if you think you’re being wildly imaginative and elegant with your salmon imagery, the answer is still NO. NO. NO.
- If coming makes your hero’s gut wrench or otherwise feel as if bits of his innards are going to be torn out, may we suggest that he have the physician check him for ulcerative colitis?
- Huskily. Do not use this word. Makes me think of corn silk, or tamales. Not sex. Capisce?
- There should be no yearning.
- Please avoid using any of the following: arousal, manhood, manroot, staff, hardened desire. That last one sounds like some cheese that went bad in my fridge.
- Avoid any description of the heroine’s legs. They are long? Lithe? Silky? Please. Spare me.
- Sing with me now: the words that cannot be separated, and yet, they should: veritable cornucopia… absolutely positively… winged eyebrows. Did birds land on her face? Is she some kind of mutant?

Please, add on! 

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