We Smart Bitches hereby decree that no author shall use the following words in any sex scene:
– Whorls (especially describing chest hair)
– Flat copper/flat penny (so as to describe nipples)
– Weeping / sobbing (if describing pussy)
– Tits
– Cringe-inducing oxymorons like “savage tenderness”
– Actually, just nix the word “savage” from love scenes, period
– Nobody’s voice is allowed to ache unless they have the flu
– Look, just let hair be hair, OK? Enough already with the “flowing locks” and “silken tresses” bullshit.
– Orbs
– Quivering mounds of ANYTHING—are you writing about blancmange or people?
– Love grotto
– Every time I read “dance as old as time,” it makes me so mad, I want to punch somebody in the crotch. HARD. So please don’t use it. Think of all the crotches you’re saving from my wrath.
– Just as the cunny is not a face and cannot weep or sob, the groinal region does NOT have a weather system; when you combine both and have an unlikely body part rain tears of desire, that just makes Baby Jebus rain many, many tears of sadness.
– Comparing a cock to a pointy weapon mostly makes us go “ow,” so enough with the love-spear, mmmkay?
– One word for seafood metaphors and similes: NO. Even if you think you’re being wildly imaginative and elegant with your salmon imagery, the answer is still NO. NO. NO.
– If coming makes your hero’s gut wrench or otherwise feel as if bits of his innards are going to be torn out, may we suggest that he have the physician check him for ulcerative colitis?
– Huskily. Do not use this word. Makes me think of corn silk, or tamales. Not sex. Capisce?
– There should be no yearning.
– Please avoid using any of the following: arousal, manhood, manroot, staff, hardened desire. That last one sounds like some cheese that went bad in my fridge.
– Avoid any description of the heroine’s legs. They are long? Lithe? Silky? Please. Spare me.
– Sing with me now: the words that cannot be separated, and yet, they should: veritable cornucopia… absolutely positively… winged eyebrows. Did birds land on her face? Is she some kind of mutant?
Please, add on!
Thank you, thank you, thank you for putting whorls on the list. Can we also nix the word “nubbin,” please?
Um, I’m with you on most of these (although I’ll admit to having used quite a few of them here and there), what’s wrong with “tits”? Should we refer to them in more mature language, such as “boobies”? Just wondering what’s the reasoning behind that one…
Well, IMO “tits” is a words hollered by drunk frat boys. And if someone compliments me on my great tits?
They? Are getting a knee to the crotch.
Oh, and for erotic romance, unless you are writing a historical (and even then, please think carefully!) please do not use the word “cunny”. It makes me think of cunning. And then I just wonder what that devious pussy is up to.
And clitty? NO. Clit is enough of an abbreviation. Please do not give it a pet name.
And for the heroines? Please whimper sparingly. Else I will get up to check if my dog needs to go out.
At this point if someone complimented me on my great tits, I’d probably hump his leg.
It is, however, a very guy word, so if I’m deep in his POV, I’d be more apt to use it than breasts, and definitely more than boobies. *g*
And my editor says I use excessive commas. *blushing oops face*
I had almost recovered from “whorls” when I read further and saw “love grotto” – wow. By all that is good and decent on this earth, anyone using, or tempted to use, “love grotto” needs to stop. Just stop. That’s hideous. And the visual image that conjures up?” I repeat, stop.
Now I am off the do a find/replace for “grotto” and whorls” in my current book…
I can accept a guy using “tits” in normal conversation, especially if he’s joking around, but during a love scene? Mood-killer. Speaking as someone who’s gotten her fair share of compliments for the Wonder Twins, I’ve NEVER heard them referred to as tits during heated moments.
*Such* a great list. You hit on nearly every one of the love scene cliches that make me cringe. I’d also like to add in any use of the word “melding,” and “bud” as a euphemism for clitoris. I know it can be a difficult word to spell—that’s why God invented dictionary.com.
and he guided the purpled staff of his manroot into her grotto of love – I’m quite sure I read this in a certain romance author’s book (the second and last try I gave her books) only I think she said, “perfumed garden of love” this after she described a threesome and a graphic anal scene. Sigh.
But I must steal the punch in the crotch bit, I promise I’ll attribute it to you. Because it makes me giggle.
Weeping vaginas make me think “eek, she’s got to see her gyno!” not very romantic. And what is it with the excessive description of genetalia emitting fluids anyway? THAT makes me want to punch people in their weeping, raining, gushing crotches. Eww, now I’ve grossed myself out.
Well, like Shannon, I think of tits as a “guy word,” and wouldn’t have a problem using it in the guy’s POV.
But as for the rest of them… I have suddenly been struck by a perverse desire to rewrite my current WIP using as many of these words and phrases as possible. Must… resist… lexicon… of eeeeevil…
* Pebbled nubbins or nubs
* dripping honeypot (as if honeypot wasn’t bad enough, but for it to be dripping—have mercy—get that chick a towel and call 911)
* Any jumping phallic phrase: cock jumped, lurched, lunged, etc. (I call this jumping cock syndrome and it must stop.)
* referring to her vagina as a “velveteen pouch”. I’ve seen this one time and that was one time too many.
That’s all I can think of for now. I’m sure there are more….
-Mel
I’m right with you about nub, nubbin & bud. Ditto strawberry or raspberry nipples. Tits & whorls don’t bother me though.
My question is, why do virgins freak out at their first sight of the hero’s humongous penis & ask/think, “OMG, you won’t fit! You’re too big!”
I’m with you on the weeping, dripping rainy honeypot lovegarden- get thee to a GYN. Pronto. And take your stupid scene with you.
No “dewy cleft.” It sounds like a geological formation glimpsed on a sightseeing trip in the early morning hours.
“Sumptuous” or “opulent” may not be used in combination with “curves,” though one reference may be permitted, per fictional work, when describing to interior decoration. Even then, one would hope the writer would try a little harder & not drag out those shopworn adjectives.
I am, however, sympathetic about the problem the historical author faces when trying to write through the viewpoint of a character who knows that the clitoris exists, and what it does, but has not learned the full, formal, classically derived term for that part of her anatomy. Particularly since there are still contemporary males who believe the word sounds familiar but are in denial about its importance and not real clear on its exact location. So I don’t expect historical heroines to be able to use all the right “v” words for each subsection of the female anatomy.
The gauntlet has been thrown down and now … I must write a book with ALL of these no-no’s.
Loin. I banish the word loin except in reference to a haunch of meat on a plate. Use groin if you must (but only if you must), but NEVER loin (or loins). I’m begging you.
And I’m so with you that body parts should not drip, weep, or gush (get thee to a doctor, pronto!).
As for clitoris, I know it dates from the early 1600s, but it just doesn’t sound right in an historical setting. What words/terms do the rest of you recommend for a hot historical?
What happened to “lave”?
Yearning? What’s wrong with that? I was desperately yearning for a Dyson vacuum until last week when I got my Christmas present early. Now I am sated. Oh, yeah. It’s The Ball, people.
I toooootally agree on the weeping/dripping pussy. Gaa.
Tonda,
I’m with you on the historical use of clitoris. It’s a hard one. (Pah-hahaha) Nubbin absolutely kills me though. Nice comic relief. I’ve definitely used nub.
I agree with Robyn—no more nubbin! No hidden pearl of desire, either. Oh, and no referring to the penis as a hard knob. That one made me wonder if the author had only used plastic dildos or something.
I’m definitely over the whole “sopping” business, too. When I hear that the heroine has sopping underlinen, arousal’s not the cause that comes to mind.
Funny thing about “lave,” Stephen. It seems to have been replaced by “lathe” (Ow!!)—at least in some authors’ books. And once it’s on the printed page, those who are too lazy to consult a dictionary assume it must be acceptable usage.
Death to nubs, nubbins, laving, jointure, junction (oh yeah, baby, the train’s gonna steam into the junction, hooo hooo), and excessive drippy effects.
I did some research to try and find an acceptable non-Latin word for the clitoris. There isn’t one. After all, women have known it’s there and what it’s for, so therefore it doesn’t need a name. Guys, however, have a tendency to ignore it, so why bother to give it a pet name? In German there’s a slang word that dates (I think) from the 18c and translates literally as “tickler.” And I think that’s sorta cute. Maybe, just maybe, you could get away with it in a historical (which is what I write).
And who was it who had a hard-on about “cunny”? It’s a lovely word related to both “rabbit” (and you know what they’re good at) and “queen.” But again, only in historicals.
Throw off your tired old cliches, I say. Thanks, bitches.
Personally, when my hero thinks of the heroine’s breasts, he calls them tits. Because it sounds better than boobs, or rack, which is the other alternative. But maybe that’s just me and my own juvenile, earthy attitude towards sex. I’m also guilty of whorls of hair (but fine, I’ll go delete it from my WIP), and I think one draft of something had the hero having gut wrenching orgasm. But I had a typo and it actually read, “but wrenching orgasm.” which makes me giggle again six months later.
And nubbin… when I was in college a couple of my guy friends (frat boys) came over and were reading through one of my books. Thereafter, whenever they saw me they’d greet me with, “Hey Jami, how’s your nubbin?”
And I almost forgot – no “curly nests” or thickets when describing pubic hair, and definitely do not describe tongues delving into or parting either of the above.
I’m not a big fan of “fur” in reference to her hero’s chest and/or pubic hair and likewise I’m not too fond of thatch, particularly a “silken thatch.” What the hell is that? Ditto for silken nest. I just picture magpies looking for a place to roost. Let’s keep the animals in the zoo, shall we?
Yeah, I’d forgotten about the nest, thicket, thatch, fur theme. Combined with weeping genetalia- gross.
I agree with Stephen though- lave is fine, as is loin although I agree loin makes me think of food not sex.
Oh & Ferfe, if you manage to cram it all into a book let us know it’d be great fun.
All in all, an excellent list, but…
I’m with Ellen and Shannon on the “tits” issue—maybe not in a love scene, but in a guy’s head? At least in SOME guys’ heads? They’re callin’ ‘em tits. And if they say they aren’t? They’re lying.
And the “clitoris” versus “anything else” issue…I’m writing a Medieval, circa 1400. The word “clitoris” wasn’t in common usage. I hafta use SOMETHING. Suggestions?
I’m going to take a brave stand here on behalf of romance writers everywhere—especially the historical romance writers—and say loudly and proudly, “You can use any word if you’re a good enough writer to make it work in that scene and not take the reader out of the moment.”
There. Hurl your brickbats, I’m ready.
Just a line: I agree wholeheartedly with Darlene.
If the writer is good enough, I won’t notice the actual words used.
Well, okay – two lines.
I read one book in which the author kept referring to the hero’s “rampant member.” Repeatedly. And there were a lot of sex scenes. Now I think I’ve seen this elsewhere, so perhaps if I OED rampant might be (or might have been) some sort of synonym for erect, but I kept thinking of the phrase “running rampant.” Which in turn gave me this visual of a little cock and balls running around, all willy-nilly.
Took me right out of the story. That phrase definitely bugs.
Oops, didn’t preview. I meant to say check the OED, Oxford English Dictionary.
Re: the tits issue: it’s definitely a case of it being used in a love scene. That’s true for the whole list of words, really. I dunno, it’s sort of like using “jizz” in the same context. If a friend of mine used that word in conversation, I wouldn’t blink. Well, I might, depending on the context. I wouldn’t blink if I found it in porn. But it in a romance novel, during a love scene? Jarring.
And I don’t care HOW good an author is, if I see “dance as old as time” and/or “love grotto” and/or “quivering orbs,” I’m gonna feel like crotch-punching somebody. There are degrees and then degrees of offence.
This is hilarous. Here’s mine:
*rampant maleness
*jumped playful – it is not a puppy
*dewy petals – in fact, everything foral has got to go
*velvet tunnel – mould any one?
*pouting nether lips – I’ve come across this from more than one author.
re: the “dance as old as time” bit. it’s actually OLDER than time, since humans had been reproducing for MANY, many generations before they invented measuring devices for the artificial construct called ‘time’. Just my $0.02CAD
Now I can’t get a certain image out of my head. Thanks for the nightmares, Devon.
Do so many things really have to be “silken”? Or “throbbing”? Do there have to be quite so many “pinnacles”? And what’s with all the “tight passage” stuff? Isn’t a passage something you pass through and exit out the other side? Ouch. I could do with a few less trembling lips and sobs too. And along with “mounds”, I’m not thrilled with “globes”, especially if they’re topped with “rosebuds”.
After cackling my head off, I need to say a couple of things:
1) “Manroot.” No. Never ever never ever never ever never ever never ever never ever never ever use that. Please. Unless you want to permanently imbed the image of a turnip in the reader’s mind. If I see that used in a sex scene, my mind’s eye is seared with PAIN for the rest of the chapter at least.
2) “Tits” is something that may be used in a contemporary romance, maybe not in a a sex scene but to show a male pov at some point.
3) Weeping or otherwise raining moisture genitalia, and dewy clefts are just so fake as metaphors that they not only make me giggle and throw me out of the scene but they actually make me sad—not because I start imagining lichen-overgrown caves but because I immediately think the author had used a particularly lame cliche. I think the occurence of “dewy clefts” is what perpetuates the “romance is crap” notion.
I’ve been on the Internet too long. I’m afraid that any reference to ‘gushing’ netherparts simply pulls up a mental image of ‘tubgirl’.
At your own risk, you can look her up on Encyclopedia Dramatica if you don’t already know – replace Main_Page with Tubgirl in the link below. I’m not even going to post that link here, it’s so beyond NWS.
http://www.encyclopediadramatica.com/index.php/Main_Page
Anything to do with making nipples out to be huge bulbous things. Pennies, rosebuds the whole bit.
No manroot. Back when I was starting romance I really did get a visual of a vegetable. I can handle staff (although now I’m thinking of the infection), manhood, arousal and such.
There are 4 eye colors. Blue, green, hazel and brown. I have never met anyone with violet eyes.
On that note, I actually enjoy, husky voices, gut wrenching orgasm and yearning. As long as a body part is not yearning. eg. his cock yearned to enter the love grotto. No. Oh and no yearning lips. Okay, I fold on yearning – you’re right.
Everyone has already covered the weeping vagina but egads, wrong. Just wrong.
Whenever I see ‘dance as old as time’ I know someone had writers block. Had to. Again, wrong. ‘And then the mating ritual, honed through eons of time was begun’ – yeah, I suck but even that is better than ‘dance as old as time’.
CindyS
I do agree with Darlene, that for a lot of these words, it’s the author’s skill that makes them either acceptable or horrific.
But boy, do some of these words give me strange visuals. Somebody really ought to Photoshop some pix. Like the produce couple—her with raspberry nipples on apple breasts, peach-shaped butt and a pussy like a ripe plum (split, I’m assuming, because otherwise…), him with his manroot, which I always picture as one of those big white radishes, and more plums, or walnuts.
I object to “heaving bosom,” mostly because my bosom? Has never heaved. No matter how turned on or out of breath or scared I’ve been. Geez.
Also, “waist so tiny he could span it with his hands.” Come oooonnnnnnn. The largest-handed man I know who isn’t Shaq only has a 16-inch handspan. What woman has a 16-inch waist who doesn’t look like a 12 year old? And all these 16-inch-waisted women are allegedly average height, if their heads come to the hero’s shoulders.