Smart Bitches Trashy Books | All of the romance, none of the bullshit.

Sarah: On a scale of 1-5, with 5 being the highest, I would say his man-titties rank a solid 3. Not as much cleavage or shadow as one would like, but he gets extra bonus points for the rock-hard diamonique nipples. And, he’s naked on the beach. Bet those sailors on that boat back there are enjoying the view!

Avast! A storm approacheth! Seek shelter under the eaves of the man-titty.

Candy: He’s either a sailor looking to dip himself on a sea of lurve or a crazy homeless guy, because DAMN that is one grubby looking bearer of Man-Tit. Either way, he looks really high. Is he on Ecstasy or something? That may explain his urge to go naked even though it’s obviously quite nippy out.

Captive Heart - Beware! The Smart Bitches hath decreed this cover Notte Worke Saffe!

Sarah: I had to make this one a popup because if someone saw that mess over your shoulder? Egads. Now, his man-titty score should be higher except that his are somewhat, how shall I say, deflated. Perhaps she’s not actually on her knees giving oral pleasure, but instead she’s gazing upwards to see if his man-titties are hanging folds of skin that she can hide secret messages under. Ever since he had his silicone man-titties removed last year, his usefulness as a warrior has been waning, but as a mule for cocaine, perhaps flat-titty man has promise!

Candy: Hey, look, a literal blowjob—she’s obviously inflating his man titties. Pneumatic mammaries are the wave of the future! And you’re right, Sarah, they are useful for cocaine smuggling. Probably why they’re popular among a certain set.

Sarah: Crown Jewels? He’s about to wank on the crown. Ew. Velvet is hard to clean dude. Better aim upwards at your level-4 man-titties. Due to the lighting I can’t score your pair on shadow-casting, but they have sufficient height to qualify as a Fine Pair of Man Boobs. You might want to talk to that other dude about the dangers of silicone, though.

Candy: Look at the way that crown is positioned. Dude, it’s totally attached to a regent, one who’s crawling all around the bed while humming the theme from Jaws. Moments after this picture was taken, the corpulent king totally went “RAHHH!” and jumped up on his love toy, then squealed with joy and asked whether Mr. Boobacious had been “weally, weally scared.”

Sarah: You, sir, are very subtle. There are two phallic crystals in your hands. They seem to be suspended in mid-air, almost erect by the power of their own levitation. So you must be trying to tell me that you have two man-titties, each suspended by forces unknown to nature. Not a lot of shadow, and your ass is too small, so good try to distract me with your puple man-crystals. However, your man-titties rate a 3.

Candy: Behold, the Holder of the Dildos! He will levitate the Holy Phallo-Crystal of your choice into your Chunnel of Love should his teeny peeny not satisfy.

Sarah: Extreme close up! Man Titty Style! Damn. Is it me, or is the nipple is in a weird place? And dare I suspect silicone enhancement? I’d say based on shadow, definition, and curvature, this dude ranks a 4.5. Congratulations, Mr. Completely Boobs, you are the Man Titty Hall of Fame inductee this week!

Candy: All the sleaziness of a strip club right at your fingertips. To think I normally pay a small fortune in tips when I could’ve had that germ farm feeling RIGHT IN MY HOME.

And Sarah, I agree: them’s some cross-eyed nipples thar.