Masturbation and fanfic and WOO DAMN loads of TMI in this entry so be warned

Warning: Contains loads of squickish TMI about Candy and her narsty habits. Has NOTHING to do with romance novels. Don’t read if you’re squeamish or don’t like me going all off-topic.

Like Jorie, I know I shouldn’t touch the current fanfic discussion on Lee Goldberg’s blog with a ten-foot pole. However, she had a quote that irked her (shit, it irked me too), and then I found another one quite a bit later down the line, and I feel compelled to blog about it. From commenter David Montgomery:

Writing is to Making Love as FanFic is to Masturbation

The latter pair are self-indulgent, vaguely embarrassing, accomplish nothing, and only temporarily enjoyable. They are largely the province of adolescent boys and are in no way practice for the real thing.

Well, I always suspected it, and now I have proof: I’m a fourteen-year-old boy. And I don’t even have the decency to feel embarrassed—not even vaguely—by my habit. Accomplish nothing? Shit, I can think of any number of things rubbin’ the nubbin’ has helped me with—relieving stress, putting me in a good mood, helping me sleep, providing me with solo pleasure, and providing some really, really Fun Fun Happy Times when indulging in it with a lover. Temporarily enjoyable? So are most pleasures. Is the afterglow from Making Lurve somehow more long-lasting than the afterglow from masturbation? Not in my experience, but hey, I’m just one monkey-spanker and I can’t speak for anyone else. Not practice for the real thing? Au contraire. Thanks to my rather precocious explorations, I was able to direct the boys to where they needed to be when the time came (har har, came), especially when de-virginizing boys.

Oh, OK, I’ve only popped the cherry for ONE person.

And just in case you don’t know: I don’t read fanfic, I don’t write fanfic, and I’m not enough of a fan of anything to indulge in either activity anytime soon. However, self-righteous attitudes about how fanfic writers will NEVER BE REAL WRITERS and ALL of fanfic is wrong and always will be wrong world without end, amen, bother me. And frankly, so do people who malign masturbation.

Seriously, it’s a toss-up right now which one irritates me more. If whacking off doesn’t feel all that good to you, I think you’re probably doing it wrong. And as for the whole “masturbation is embarrassing and pointless and should only be indulged in when you’re in dire straits and is indicative that you’re a LOSAR WHO CAN’T GET REAL GURLS” shame-fiesta? Yeah, whatever. I refuse to be shamed. (I bet I could get real girls, too. I’m totally going to ask MacKenzie to the prom, and I totally bet she’ll say yes and let me go all the way to second base, woo!)

Frankly, I’m more embarrassed by the fact that to this day, I will occasionally cave in to my craving for Spam-n-egg sandwiches.

I know, I know. Talk about embarrassing and perverse. Damn that Spam. As always, I blame my mother: if she hadn’t made all those delicious Spam and fried egg sandwiches for me when I was a young, impressionable child, I’m sure I would’ve been immune to this perversion as an adult. Parents, be careful about what kind of meat your children are putting into their mouths (and hands).

Categorized:

Ranty McRant

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  1. E.D'Trix says:

    mmmm spam… mmmm masturbation…

    I agree, I am way more embarassed about my occasional Spam cravings (Spam fried rice, and spam n’ beans) than I am about masturbating. This from a girl whose mother totally walked in on a private moment between a girl and her vibrating turtle and whose only comment was, “3 in the afternoon? Had a rough day, have you?”. heehee!

  2. bam says:

    My mom was cleaning my room once (she does this sometimes, eventhough I clean it myself. Grr… Asian mothers!) and found uhh… a toy of mine. I claimed it was my little sister’s. My mom looked at me with suspicion and said, “your sister is 15. She wouldn’t even know what this is” and I asked her, “Mom, do YOU know what it is?” and she said, rather uncomfortably, “It’s a massager of some sort?” And we never talked about it again.

    Speaking of SPAM, my WHITE BOY FROM A WHITE BREAD FAMILY boyfriend accompanied me and my family to visit my grandfather in the Philippines last year. Every morning, my aunt would serve a breakfast of dried fish (what we Pinoys call “tuyo”, stinky stuff), white rice, SPAM, and eggs. I thought he would insist on eating toast or cereal, but he gingerly picked up a slice of Spam and put it in his mouth without spitting it out. A collective sigh of relief was released by my family.

    I, for one, love Spam with rice and eggs.

  3. Meljean says:

    I did not see this link. I am erasing this from my memory. I will not…NOT!…respond.

  4. Sarah says:

    Let it never be said that Candy, with her predilection for dangling the carrots of outrage in front of conservative Christian fiction writers, is not a master baiter.

    *muffled laughter*

  5. Robin says:

    So does that mean JM Coetzee’s Foe (starring BOTH Crusoe and Friday) is fanfic or a derivative tie-in?  Maybe he should give his Nobel prize back, or better yet, use it to beat some sense into Lee Goldberg, et al. And I don’t know who Jocelyn is, but some of the comments made to her were tellingly defensive and adolescent, so none of that specious and self-important blather is surprising to me (some boys just never move past Sophomore class, do they?).

  6. Candy says:

    “(…) a master baiter.”

    Shit, I’m a master debater, too. Better rekahnize, bitches.

    “I did not see this link. I am erasing this from my memory. I will not…NOT!…respond.”

    That’s OK, Meljean. We already know you’re a soulless hack who’s not a real writer and could never, ever aspire to real writerliness or publication by a major house in “mainstream” fiction (I mean, you write romance, and we know those aren’t REAL books anyway, and let’s not go into how unreal romances with fantasy elements are). We know everything you write is mental masturbation, and that you should be thoroughly ashamed of masturbation in all its forms.

    OK, there’s no rolleyes smiley big enough to accompany what I just wrote, so I won’t even try. All I can say is, can’t wait for November 2005 when Hot Spell is released. I’m excited about the anthology and your (not-real) contribution to it.

  7. Will someone please explain to me why anyone cares about masturbation or fanfic enough to write a long post knocking it down and dragging it thorugh the mud? For Christ’s sake, it’s only masturbation. It’s only fanfic. It’s people having a good time and doing what feels good and not hurting a damn soul. So why can’t all the highbrows just leave it alone?

    If you don’t like fanfic, don’t read it; if you don’t like masturbating, don’t do it and don’t read about it. Simple. Everyone’s happy; the hgihbrows get to stay in their rarified castles and us real people get to get a little fun.

    Now, I personally don’t read fanfic. But I could care less what fanfics write. You love my stories so much and the characters are so real you want to engage in them through fanfic? Go for it. It’s the highest compliment to a writer; it means our characters live and breathe for you. Why does anyone get mad about this?

    Must… stop… to… breathe…

    Getting down off soapbox, blushing and hanging head. Jeez. Didn’t even know I had that in me…

  8. KarenS says:

    Shit, masturbation is wrong..?  Who knew?  Better get rid of my ‘back massager’ then…

  9. Besides, my mom always used to put Spam slices in waffles. You know, pour the batter in the waffle iron, slap a slice of Spam in there, close waffle iron. Three minutes or so, and you have a Spamwaffle. Drench with maple syrup and taste my childhood.

    Ugh. I feel physically ill thinking about it, I can’t stand Spam anymore. But if anyone else wants to eat Spam, you have my blessing.

  10. Stef2 says:

    I was born in 1959 – a whole four months before 1960, when admitting to masturbation became legal, and an entire twenty years before anyone came up with the moniker – fanfic.  Which in and of itself sounds rather tittilating.  Titillating?  Titty-Lating?

    I will therefore have to pass on this discussion.

    But, gosh, Candy, I just feel so CLOSE to you now.  *see me smile*

    Now, step back.

    Stef, who doesn’t invest in appliances – cuz I’m a natural woeman

  11. Uh, I guess it’s ok to masturbate as long as you don’t use the Spam to do so. And never eat while playing with a vibrating turtle.

  12. E.D'Trix says:

    Ewwww—Spamturbation is just wrong! You could go blind, or at the very least be mauled by a couple of pit bulls.

  13. Spam Spam Spam Spam Spam

    Bloody Vikings.

  14. Kate says:

    yes.

    But.

    As the mother of adolescent boys, I can say with authority that David Montgomery has a point(and then another point and another one, and another and…. Good thing those penises are securely fastened. Good thing we have more than one bathroom.)

    Do you suppose I should post this anonymously? Nah…

  15. Bam says:

    Spam and masturbation.

    ::shudder::

  16. Candy says:

    Which brings me to one of my all-time favorite haikus:

    Spam as a sex toy.
    Safe, soft, warm, lubricated.
    Afterwards: warm lunch!

  17. Candy says:

    As the mother of adolescent boys, I can say with authority that David Montgomery has a point(and then another point and another one, and another and…. Good thing those penises are securely fastened. Good thing we have more than one bathroom.)

    Wait, Kate: are you saying your boys do nothing but write Mulder/Skinner slashfic in your bathrooms?

    Shame on them. SHAME.

  18. E.D'Trix says:

    Gelatinous spam
    Used in a kinky haiku
    Must bleach eyeballs now

  19. Candy says:

    Why you malign Spam?
    Its salty, jellied delights
    Bring untold pleasure.

  20. Kate says:

    No, I’m to blame. The mother always is.

    I took away the potted meat food product and they had nothing else to do with themselves.

  21. E.D'Trix says:

    Spam to eat is good
    Fried spam is a crispy treat
    Spam dildo? no! no!!

  22. Candy says:

    I took away the potted meat food product and they had nothing else to do with themselves.

    If you can’t beat the meat, might as well beat the meat?

    *ba-dum-tish*

  23. Stef2 says:

    We are no longer the Knights Who Say “Nee.”  We are now the Knights Who Say “Icky! Icky! Icky! Zheboingggg!”

    We used to push the pram alot,
    Now we just eat Spamalot….

    Stef, who’d kill to go see it, and would kill anyone who gave her Spam

  24. Beth says:

    While I have no problem with fanfic in theory, I realize that I wouldn’t want anyone but me writing my characters. Maybe a friend, writing it as a bit of a joke – okay, that I could handle. But ONLY as a spoof kinda thing, a totally-kidding situation. I am a superscary control freak and if you fuck with my characters, I will cut you.

    Meanwhile, remind me sometime to blog about my completely unconscious, totally unwritten, imagined in my head just as a What-If situation, Kinsale fanfic. I will now serve spam at the dinner party in my head, and we’ll see what Leda has to say about that.

    Must stop. Snort-laughing at work. Must. STOP.

  25. Candy says:

    Crispy treats can be
    Used innovatively. Ooooh…
    Oooooh…. Shit! It broke off.

    Spam’s delights may be
    multi-fold; its structural
    strength? Not all that great.

  26. Sarah says:

    Sarah calls the midwife:

    “Eyes tearing, I cry –
    can’t breathe, my stomach heaving.”
    “Braxton-Hicks?” “Spam haikus.”

  27. Forget the latte. I need a raspberry kamikaze.

  28. E.D'Trix says:

    Warm slippery spam
    Thrusting boldly in and out
    Pound that meat baby!

  29. E.D'Trix says:

    Ooooh, I am telling. Sarah violated the 5-7-5 structure. Damn the 2 syllables in Hai-kus!

  30. Candy says:

    Ersatz meat product
    as sex toy: fad hits U.S.
    Hormel throws shit fit.

  31. E.D'Trix says:

    Wanking the weiner?
    No Oscar Meyer for me.
    Stud of choice? Hormel.

  32. Candy says:

    Damn the 2 syllables in Hai-kus!

    Ooooh, good catch.

    My question is: What the hell is Braxton-Hicks?

    Also: I love how I started out with a deeply embarrassing topic, and we’re now writing motherfucking HAIKU about it. If this doesn’t make this one of the most magical romance communities on the internet, I don’t know what does.

  33. E.D'Trix says:

    Must stop spam haikus
    Brain hurts, curious boss asks
    Why-fore giggles? S-s-spam!

  34. E.D'Trix says:

    Braxton-hicks are false contractions (lotsa preggers friends, LOL). And I looove the haiku as well—hence my inability to stop. But, tis friday and quitting time, so I am outta here! (Pretending desperately that I am not taking home tons o’ work.)

  35. Candy says:

    Erotic romance
    Now flooded with Spam sex scenes
    Please blame E.D’trix.

  36. ShannonC says:

    Because I discovered masturbation I am not in prison for murder.  Given that I sometimes plot other kinds of revenge while I tickle the pink, I’m not sure this makes me the most stable citizen.  But seriously.

    Masturbation saves lives.

    My cat knows this.  He drags his Miss Piggy stuffed animal out when we have friends over and (as a very observant five year old pointed out)“shows his girlfriend love”.

    I did, however once choke on a hunk of Spam.  And so I hate it.

  37. Wait, Kate: are you saying your boys do nothing but write Mulder/Skinner slashfic in your bathrooms?

    Shame on them. SHAME.

    Damn right! Why aren’t they doing stuff with Krycek’s false arm yet?

    I, also, am erasing said link. As a fanfic writer who, you know, has two novels published and all I might upset their tiny logical minds. Until I get the “oh, but they’re science fiction which Doesn’t Count” response.

    And I use to like spam sandwiches. That’s not a sexual position, just a snack.

    spam: square meat manna
    pallid greasy blobs of fat
    smeared along the edge

  38. Meljean says:

    “All I can say is, can’t wait for November 2005 when Hot Spell is released. I’m excited about the anthology and your (not-real) contribution to it.”

    Ah, well, and I’ll do my best to get you an advance non-copy to not-review here. Screw my contribution; who doesn’t want Emma Holly in advance? Masturbation material galore. Which is good—it just inspires me to write more.

    Damn fingers too busy for typing to masturbate well. I’ve really got to get that vibrating chair I’ve had my eye on.

  39. Sarah says:

    dang! I actually counted “Braxton” as one syllable. I’m dombe.

    But yeah, Braxton-Hicks are false pre-labor contractions named for the doctors who, well, named them. Some think it’s when the uterus gets warmed up for labor, but others say its a warning that you’re not drinking enough and are getting dehydrated.

  40. Candy says:

    Ah, well, and I’ll do my best to get you an advance non-copy to not-review here.

    EEEEEE!

    I mean, consider me non-delighted if you should be able to provide a review copy for us Bitches.

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