One last smack at the Lady Aibell Pinata

Behold, our third (and final—for the near future, anyway) installment in the Utterly Horrific Covers from Lady Aibell series. Have those anti-emetics on hand. You may very well need them.

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Sarah: I bet she was chasing that steaming hot cosmopolitan (yuck) when she dislocated her hip. But what a trooper; she’s still standing and posing for all she’s worth.

Candy: I have never seen a woman with a pudendum so WIDE. Think she got it surgically enhanced? Is it called the Paris Hilton Procedure (PHP)?

I also have a theory that the drippy pink crap on the woman’s breastables isn’t a torn-up shirt, but an entirely new species of herpesvirus that causes massive pink lesions to build up on the chest area. Which harkens back to one of the foundational rules of fashion: if what you’re wearing looks more like a disease than a piece of clothing, you might want to revise your fashion options.

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Sarah: Pray? That’s a good idea. I pray that this oversexed reject from CATS finds her way out of the forest and into the nearest feral cat spay/neuter clinic.

Candy: I am yiffy, hear me roar
I’m too furry to ignore
‘Cause I wear fur suits, and forget it’s all pretend
‘cause I’ve humped it all before,
Fucked that squirrel on the floor,
And that fox is going down on me again

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Sarah: Do you think there’s a Mullet Plug-In for Photoshop? I’d hate to think all these cover artists slaving over the lasso tool, struggling to create the perfect mullet.

To say nothing of the shiny vinyl dreadlock extensions Plug-In. And the overuse of the free LokiCola font.

Candy: I adore that T-shirt on the blond guy. It goes perfectly with that mullet. Any second now, I expect him to rip it off and start break-dancing.

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Sarah: I see the brokeback, but I don’t think I’ll see any mountin’. He’s clearly a slave to a different team, working that ass the way he is.

Candy: Awww, how cute! His-n-her matching greasy haircuts! That’s true love, baby. Though I suppose it’s difficult to find other people who are willing to date you when you look and feel like you’ve been freshly-dipped in Crisco all the damn time.

Comments are Closed

  1. Teddy Pig says:

    eye bleach! I need eye bleach!

  2. Najida says:

    GACK!

    OK, the woman in the first pic——She’s in the stages of Advanced Duck-butt

    Cat picture—- Throw some Nair on her!

    Stripey shirt picture—OK, old movie flash back, but there used to be this Parisian dance where the guys and girls wore those shirts and back pants/skirts.  And the girls wore these scarves around their necks.  The guys would grab the scarves and swing the girls by their necks around in a circle really HARD and then let them go to slide across the floor.

    It scarred me for life against those stripey shirts.

    That and I thought Jeri-curls went out in the 80’s.

    Last couple—- Oh just ‘eff it! They’re fugly!

  3. Tina says:

    STAAAPPP!
    I can’t take the Photoshop abuse anymore!  Aren’t there laws against this?

  4. Melissa says:

    I swear, when I first skimmed the title of book #3 I read “Melinda and the Loser”.

    So much more appropriate than the real one, don’t you think?  😉

  5. --E says:

    Do the people who create these things really think that this looks at all professional, or even, amateur-with-potential? Do the folks at Lady Aibell lack any speck of pride?

    Holy poop on a stick, I was drawing better shit than this by hand when I was twelve. And I’m not an artist.

    I wonder if the authors have the option to send their own cover art. If not, why on Crom’s green Earth would anyone want to soil their story by putting it between covers that look like this? No story deserves this kind of package unless it’s a prose equivalent of Jeffrey Dahmer and Pol Pot: a story that murders and cannibalizes millions of innocent people.

    wordver: return32. More like return lunch.

  6. When d’you suppose we’ll see Melindo 2: Electric Bugaloo?

    The bottom guy’s jaw is big as his butt. CREEPY.

  7. Tracy says:

    I’ve been lurking for awhile, but I had to comment on this one.

    The lady on the first cover is SCARY!!  I have never seen legs so far apart in my life and what is with the nipple on the TOP of her breast?  *shudder*

  8. Joan says:

    Mate Hunt makes me hoot with laughter and think of a campy old drag queen doing the universal catfight gesture. Specifically, Leslie Jordan dressed as Tammy Wynette in “Sordid Lives” (http://www.sordidlives.com/) Whooo. Oh, honey, I need a drahnk.

  9. Sister Coyote says:

    Um.  Don’t blame Photoshop for that mess.  That’s clearly someone abusing Poser.

    Poor

    Poseur

    Poser.

  10. maggie says:

    Bastard stole my blue skirt! 
    Now I’m gonna have to bitch slap his greasy head.

    OH MY GOD my word is gone41.
    Unbelievable.

  11. Qadesh says:

    Icky, icky, icky, they just keep getting worse.  How is that even possible? 

    Is it just me or does Mullet Man resemble Stephen Baldwin?  It’s a short jump from SciFi movies to Lady Aibell Press, don’t you think?

  12. maggie says:

    What is that in the drink on the first cover?
    I think someone has fallen in and can’t get out. HELP THEM! The Liliputian is drowning in cheap beer. I see the arms grab the arms

  13. Sallyacious says:

    I’ve heard of painted on outfits before but never actually seen one. Now, thanks to the cover of Chasing Spirits, I don’t have to worry about overtaxing my imagination with that concern any longer.

    She should have used something that dried more quickly or applied several coats, though, to prevent the dripping.

  14. Ann Bruce says:

    Oh, my retinas!  My retinas!

    (At least those books aren’t by TC Allen.)

  15. janice says:

    Wow. Just horrible. Proportions.. wrong. So wrong. I’m also very disturbed by the drinks in the first one. Is that supposed to be two arms in the beer and some kind of ghost woman thingy in the steam of the second one?

  16. Karen says:

    Lord have mercy. How did you find this publisher? I’ve seen loads of crappy covers from epublishers, but these are by far the worst.

    All three are truly horrid, but I must say a Slave To The Heart is the most disturbing. Not only is her back broken, she’s got zombie eyes. As for him, his right arm looks like what happens to plastic after its been left in a hot car when it’s 110 degrees outside. That’s just sick and wrong.

  17. Lillian says:

    Re: Chasing Spirits
    I’d sneer like that too if I had proportions and positioning that even Barbie couldn’t imitate.

    And speaking of Barbie, a Slave to the Heart chick has the whole Barbie-arm-and-hand positioning going on.  Dead Barbie—comes with her own slave collar!  Her eyes scare me…actually, her whole expression defines “emptiness.”

  18. LadyRhian says:

    Am I the only person who misread the Author’s name on #4 as Sbelly Turner? Yeah, it’s a S’belly- turner all right!

    And that Chasing Spirits book… ye gods! Has she been covered in pink spunk by some weird alien or what?

    As for “Mate Hunt”, she looks like a cross between a tiger and one of those frilled dinosaurs. She’s also wearing some kind of Egyptian collar. She’s gonna need a case of Nair or some serious Veet.

    Menudo, sorry, Melindo… the guy with the dreads appears to have hair made of zippers, and his blonde lover seems to be concentrating on clearing his colon of a seriously bad fart. Either that, or his eyes are about to roll back in his head from the bad karma of maintaining that mullet.

    As for “A Slave to the Heart”, All she is missing is the O-face and she’s a blow-up doll. He’s looking mighty Ken-Doll himself…. if Ken spilled oil over portions of his shoulder and lower arm.

  19. Wait, but it’s Melind*o*: My Lover.  So are those two guys? I mean the shirtless one with the hair is a dude, too, right? I’m loving it even more if this is true!

  20. MamaNice says:

    I thought Danny Bonaduce was supposed to be laying off the booze, not chasing it.

    How kind of Earhta Kitt’s love child to make sure her mane covered her nips. (I love the comment about the universal cat fight gesture, rawr!)

    So sad, apparently even elves are not immune to bad hair.

    AS for slave…I can’t. I just can’t. I lost IQ points perusing that crap.

  21. Kerry Allen says:

    Is it just me, or does the first guy look a lot like Freddie Kruger, sans metal fingernails and shirt? That’s not red spandex she’s wearing—he skinned her.

  22. Kerry Allen says:

    The last one: Kevin Sorbo and Bette Midler in Android Love. Her robotic movements are indicative of an outdated operating system, while his shiny titanium chassis is the hallmark of a top-of-the-line model. Will they ever overcome the incompatibility of his hardware with her software? A must read!

    He also appears to have had a tendon severed in his right arm. That triceps is freakishly malformed.

  23. Vuirneen says:

    I think that Melindo has to be a guy romance – the arm on the character facing away from the cover is definitely male. 

    Maybe that’s why his hair is a mess, to disguise the gender of the character.

    I’m sure that his lover was a cut and paste from another cover.  The face anyway.  It looks so familiar.

  24. Yeah. So it’s more like messy-muscular-gay guy (an unusual character combo) and bisexually closeted gay guy, who has been on other covers romancing women.

  25. Bella says:

    Those things on the drink in the first cover look like the floaty Hell’s Kitchen pitchforks to me. “Oh, Fuck Me!” And I think they took her calves from a picture of a centaur – I’m

    sure

    those legs end in hooves!

    Oh, noes… that cat’s not hunting a mate! She’s hunting Little Bunny Foofoo. Run Foofoo Run!

    The blond elf in the 3rd cover is staring over the dark elf’s head at the title. Even HE can’t believe he’s about to boink somebody called Melindo. Sounds like the name of a

    character in a Cassie Edwards novel.

    I can’t even comment on the last one. Yes, I can. What idiot puts a metal collar on a blow-up doll? It’s going to pop it.

  26. Angelina says:

    OMG is that Kathy Griffin in that last cover. Oh and loved Melindo’s .50 hair extensions! Please, someone pour me another Martini – ewwwww looked at Mate Hunt again – make that a double.

  27. Claudia says:

    I like Mate Hunt’s pulp fictiony-throwback noiresque cover. But being hopped up on Nyquil, I sometimes see the cat eyes in the background as the bucked teeth of a T-rex stalking that chick. Ghuess I should have stuck to Dayquil 🙂

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