Smart Bitches Trashy Books | All of the romance, none of the bullshit.

But no, that’s not the best part. Aside from the images I get when I read the words “pamper hamper” (two words: dirty diapers), and the flinching I do at the conflation (2pts!) of “bodice rippers” and category romance, it gets better and better. Get a load of this:

Tips for writing in the Mills & Boon style
- characters should have unusual names
like ‘Slade’, ‘Blaze’, ‘Calliope’ and
‘Sergio’ (Yes, because nothing makes me giddy like a hero named Calliope)

- detail and description is extremely important (But they’re short books and this is a short contest so break out the adverbs, she said sarcastically.)

- love interests are often Princes, Earls, surgeons, pilots or thieves (Sing it with me now: “Princes, Earls and Thieves! But every night all the men would come around… and lay their money down” )

- giving a character amnesia is a useful narrative tool (for bugging the shit out of your reader.)

- the bachelor rogue always has a heart of gold, he just needs the right woman to tame him (if he can break free of the amnesia and remember who she is)

- the first kiss between the lead characters is perhaps the most important part of the book (after the amnesia affecting Slade, the Earl of Blaze, of course)

Oh, dear, oh dear. And to make matters extra more special with a side order of what-the-freaking-shitfuck, the contest announcement thoughtfully provides three cover samples at the bottom with classic M&B/ HQ: Presents title samples, like The Greek Tycoon’s Convenient Bride.

But the worst part is that I cannot get over one of the cover images at the bottom of the message. Now, I fully understand that the world is not tuned into US news at every moment, and my reaction is solely my reaction, but there is no way I could every buy a book with this image on the cover were it marketed in the US.

A baby in the arms of a firefighter in front of a giant blaze? NOT SEXY. NOT ROMANTIC. In fact, SCARY AS FUCKING HELL.

And if you’re like me, the image brings up a tragic memory. After the Oklahoma City bombing, one of the images that was circulated most often was of a firefighter carrying a 1 year old girl, Baylee Almon, from the wreckage of the building. The image won the Pulitzer Prize in 1996 and came to symbolize the victims of the attack. Baylee Almon died of her injuries. Bottom line: that’s not a romance cover. And if anything underscores the dance across the line of revolting that is played out every month by the titles and cover images of category romance, that’s it.