Norman Mailer has won the Bad Sex Award! What a marvelous honor for some truly amazing writing:
So Klara turned head to foot, and put her most unmentionable part down on his hard-breathing nose and mouth, and took his old battering ram into her lips. Uncle was now as soft as a coil of excrement. She sucked on him nonetheless with an avidity that could come only from the Evil One – that she knew. From there, the impulse had come. So now they both had their heads at the wrong end, and the Evil One was there. He had never been so close before.
The Hound began to come to life. Right in her mouth. It surprised her. Alois had been so limp. But now he was a man again! His mouth lathered with her sap, he turned around and embraced her face with all the passion of his own lips and face, ready at last to grind into her with the Hound, drive it into her piety.
Wow. “Her piety.” That’s a new one. I hope I don’t see that again.
He had me at “limp as a coil of excrement”.
Unfortunately, I still had that image in my head when she went for the fancy dinner. Ugh.
BWAHAHAHA. My verifacation word is “Services39”.
Jesus on a moped—I thought I was reading from the Publish America reject pile.
One of my buds explained this bad sex thing to me as being a high literary affectation. When scribbling a nookie scene their goal is to write as badly as possible. Apparently it makes the artsy-fartsy crowd feel all superior and such.
So—“piety” is another word for clit?
The “Hound”? Is he serious?
took his old battering ram into her lips
Oh wow, that is all shades of fail.
I’ll take geriatric porn for $500.
Oh, ugh. I need to go wash my eyes with bleach now.
Excrement? Really?
It’s too bad Mailer isn’t around to accept the award.
*-gag-*
One of my buds explained this bad sex thing to me as being a high literary affectation. When scribbling a nookie scene their goal is to write as badly as possible. Apparently it makes the artsy-fartsy crowd feel all superior and such.
Yep. I’m not in the MFA program, but I have taken a few MFA writing workshops (all the lit and writing classes are mingled in my program), and my professor brought in a lot of examples like this—so I would write more like it. I was horrified. Just absolutely horrified. Apparently, for some people, sex should never, ever be sexy. It’s a sign of “low culture.”
I almost gagged at the image of giving a hummer to a coil of excrement…
As for writing sex scenes as badly as possible – if that is their goal (which I can totally believe) then they have achieved it admirably. Well done!! Bravo!
[[Retch]]
Thank god the DH and I weren’t planning on having sex tonight.
Whoa, I’m all turned on right now.
Did he get those names from The Big Book of Euphemisms?*
*(The SB’s should totally write that)
Y’know, I’d heard that Mailer was a huge misogynist, and now I can really believe it. “Grind into her with the Hound, drive it into her piety.” WTF? Plus, hello, he says her sex drive is from the Devil, though perhaps not his. How did the Devil and piety get so mixed-together in two short, hideous paragraphs?
And if it’s true that the haute-oisie pride themselves on the badness of their sex scenes, well, Mailer here really did take the crown. I mean, every sentence in this little gem is a complete stinker.
What’s more—I think if it’s true, then that completely explains why we see so many articles nowadays about “why people don’t read.” When authors have such a bad attitude toward their readers and take such pains to suck all the fun out, why would I ever even check that shit out of the library, let alone buy it?
Now I know exactly why I don’t read any ‘literary’ crap.
Literary coil of excrement = limp dick. Got it. Gosh, wonder why I don’t read the hoity toity stuff. Give me a steamy romance that’ll actually turn me on anytime, thanks.
Although my vote was still for the gushing asparagus fluids.
*throws up a little in my mouth*
“…now as soft as a coil of excrement. She sucked on him nonetheless…”
Now that is some “True Luuuurve” right there, folks.
How did the Devil and piety get so mixed-together in two short, hideous paragraphs?
I think I read somewhere that this hot little passage is about the incestuous relationship between Hitler’s parents – Klara is ol’ Adolf’s mom and Alois is his dad, who is also Klara’s uncle.
I so wish I could un-read that.
This absolutely secures my belief that snooty artsy sweater wearing academics have dismally bad sex. But they talk about it alot to prove they’re open minded.
I know Mailer wrote it, but I have Will Ferrell’s SNL dweeb in my head.
“She was my lovah and we made love! I was soft as a coil of excrement but my lovah ministered unto my hound and he bayed at the mooooon!”
*blarcgh gasp blerph wretch harkkkk*
Werd: did95
Might not have done him if I’d seen some id.
I have an MFA, and I attended one of the top two programs in the country, and no one EVER held something like this up as a goal.
I think I’m scarred for life . . . “her piety”? WTF? Talk about purple prose.
Squick-eewee-gross! This will teach me to work while I am at work and not play on the web!
Yep, this is Hitler’s parents right here. Not only is it bad sex with misogynist overtones and scatological analogies, it results in Hitler! How could Mailer not win?
ugh, ugh, and more ugh.
Oh so he intended it to be the worst sex scene EVA!
He wins hands down but does it count if he meant to do it?
A coil of excrement? Wow, that’s like the 9th level of fail.
If bad sex scenes are supposed to be literary, Mailer is definitely top gun of the genre. Gah, give me a well-written sex scene from a much maligned romance novel any day.
I’d say this particular scene was crap but Mailer has already done so and in context that makes me want to hurl.
And I thought the bad!sex in fanfiction was sickening…
Draco/Snape/Giant squid is rosebuds and cupids in comparison to this limp excrement.
Word: reading19. As in, I’ll have to read some really good sex 19 times to get this out of my mind.
“I’ll be in my bunk.”
For some reason yesterday, all I could think of when reading about “the hound” was really horrible Fahrenheit 451 fanfic.
This morning I remembered it could also be really horrible Song of Ice and Fire fanfic.
Now that it’s sunk in that this results in Hitler, I realized that it’s actually really horrible RPF.
You know what – thanks. I’m in the final slog on NaNo and I have to say, I know that nothing I write will involve limps coils of excrement. I find that inspiring. So, erm, thanks for grossing me out.
Cannot un-see, etc., etc. 🙁
That’s just sick and wrong. I’m also in that group that dosen’t read “lit” because of crap like this promoted as “high and superior lit”. No thanks, I’ll keep my good smut.
KarenD…me too. Somebody pass the bleach please.
Cripes! Less than sexy sex is one thing, but even *literary greats* shouldn’t cause their readers to gag. I think the incestuous piety-devil thing tells plenty about Hitler’s origins without going into excrement similies.
Give me “low culture” any day.
Sub word: member—one euphemism Mailer DIDN’T use
Playing devil’s advocate: if it really IS about Hitler’s parents having sex, would you actually *want* this scene to be gentle, fun, romantic, and full of mutual respect and flickering candles? Yes, the scene is misogynist and disgusting. The metaphors are unsettling and backwards. But so was Hitler’s Dad. So was Hitler. And so is the sex his parents had, according to Mailer. Fine by me. What I’d find disturbing would be a “hot” sex scene about Mr and Mrs Schickelgruber.
moar funny pictures
You’re right, schrodinger’s cat. Considering the story, a romantic scene would be as out of place, if not more so. But I think a respectable medium could have been reached—sans gag-inducing imagery—while still getting the ugliness in there.
Actually I would find a book that made the sex between Hitler’s parents “romantic”, or at least a level above vomit-inducing, far more intriguing, complex and worth reading, than one that traded in on hack writing and ham fisted scatalogical analogies in order to whack me over the head with their eeeeeeevilness.
That is if you’re trying to write about human beings. If not, by all means, lets have the coil of shit hounds in the pieties.
Oh, Ann, I forgot to say that that was an awesome LOLcat.
Oh ick. How can I get this out of my head? I knew there was a reason why I don’t read “literature”. How can I wipe my computer clean? Oh and my eyes?
I think I just threw up in my mouth a little bit.
Awesome.
Mailer, not so much. Fail, indeed.
Eeew… Harlequin from Hell.
On a brighter note, advances in medicine have just been made. Ipecac can now be replaced with Mr. Mailer’s passage.
I think it is about Hitler’s parents. But there’s plenty more where that came from. I think part of the reason I started writing hardcore was to undo the bad early education I got from Norman Mailer and D. H. Lawrence. Mailer’s An American Dream is (literally) unforgettable—just a few days ago, my husband told me I’d have to change a scene in my own current mss because it reminded him of when Mailer’s hero screws the maid who screams “you’re a genius, Mr. Rojak!” (subtle ways—my heroines don’t scream out “you’re a genius”—but I saw what he meant).
I vaguely recall another extract from this book – there was an article in The Guardian about the intricacies of writing sex, and of course this has to include levels of epic fail not seen in centuries – that mentioned feathers.
Feathers. As pubes.
Alois, old lad…if you’re aiming for her feathers, YOU’RE DOING IT WRONG.