Secret Baby Daddy: Part 1

Oh, bundle of joy? More like, oh holy crap what is this drivel? We present the first of a two-part series looking at some horrid reader-submitted secret baby and baby-daddy romances. Are you excited? I am. I had to put Freebird in the other room so his fragile little mind would not be warped by any of this crappe.

Sarah: By virtue of spending a lot of time with a newborn, I have slowly improved on my ability to guess how old a baby is. And this man, he is scoring with more than one woman, because those kids are not the same age, and yet they appear close enough in age that they couldn’t have been born by the same person. I don’t know what kind of design we had for daddykins, but I think it involved more than one designing woman, if you know what I mean.

Either that, or they are fraternal twins, and the one hanging off the front is bogarting the boob in a big, big way.

Candy: Sorry. Can’t snark. Am too occupied by the incredibly disturbing implications of printing “WHO’S THE DADDY?” on a bent-over baby’s ass.

Sarah: Oh Lord. It’s never too early to teach your molestation skills, given that the little boy is totally trying to grope the girl. And both parents are like, “Aw, isn’t that sweet?” Jeez. Add that image to the title and you’ve got a Sarah with a major case of the skeevies.

Candy: Man, years of being on the Internet have given me entirely different perspective of what “Papa Bear” means.

I’m creeped out by the way the mama bear’s holding on to the little girl. “No, hon, you’re not done until Papa Bear is done.” Smile smile smile.

Ugh. I need a Silkwood shower.

Sarah: Act now and we’ll DOUBLE your order! You’ll not only get a Rent-a-Dad but you’ll get a PLASTIC ALIEN Rent-a-Dad! We’ll graft a head onto an alien’s body – because aliens don’t need sleep! All the better for you!

Candy: Why are there so many strange half-naked men toting babies on the covers of these sorts of books? To add insult to injury, these half-naked men look like they’re about to drop the goddamn baby. Does Harlequin have a shirtless-dumbasses-playing-basketball-with-caved-in-baby-skulls fetish?

Sarah: “Dude. I don’t know who the hell you are, and I don’t know which of us has on a more stupid-looking head accessory, but I do know this: you have bad breath. It seems you are the last stubborn cowboy who refuses to accept the benefits of good oral hygiene.”

Candy: This particular alien surrogate dad is about to EAT THE BABY’S FACE. Just you wait: his smiling face is going to split any second, revealing that freaky second-head-with-pointy-teeth thing like the xenomorph in Alien. Kids know, man. Kids know.

Comments are Closed

  1. Danielle says:

    Attention parents: There is NO excuse for putting a garter on your baby’s head! If you’re that worried about making sure total strangers know she’s female, dress her in pink.

    Also, “Rent-a-Dad” is really the front for a skeevy escort agency, judging by the grinning

    satisfied customer

    woman in a bathrobe.

  2. Sarah F. says:

    No, on that last one, he’s holding the baby down.  He’s got this deathgrip on her arm, but he’s trying to smile so no one will know that SHE’s actually the alien and was just trying to rip his eyes out.

    Jesus, I knew there was a reason I didn’t read secret-baby, whose your daddy books.

  3. Victoria Dahl says:

    >>Also, “Rent-a-Dad” is really the front for a skeevy escort agency,<<

    Oh. My. God. This is genius. A male escort service for moms. Not only will he do you hard, but he’ll babysit afterward so you can get one damn satisfying night of post-orgasm sleep afterward. I’m ashiver with lust.

    Of course if you’re breastfeeding (aka asexual), you can just skip the sex and go right for the sleep. Even better.

  4. Victoria Dahl says:

    And who the FUCK came up with the title In Papa Bear’s Bed? Because that shit is fucking CREEP-AY! Good God.

    “James is so sweet. And he’s really excited about having stepkids. He thinks the kids should sleep in our bed so we can bond and feel like a real family. I don’t know how I got so lucky. Oops, gotta go. It’s time for a tickle party!!!”

  5. SamH says:

    Oh my God. I can’t get over the bent over baby from the first cover. I’m seriously creeped out. I was forced to catalog a bunch of books like these for the library and they actually stay checked out constantly.  I’d like to talk to someone who actually enjoys these and try to figure out what the appeal is.

  6. The “Whose The Daddy?” cover is making me feel twitchy.  And not in a good way.  There’s just something about the whole concept that’s freaking me out. 

    Of course it would be hysterical if both those little boogers spit up on him at the same time.  One down the neck, one across the front.  Ah yes, I remember those days…

  7. Kate R says:

    Rent-a-daddy has had more than enough baby time. He’s ready for some mommy action. There goes baby!  Right into the waterfall. Whee!

  8. Kate R says:

    oh and no doubt about it. . .rent-a-family is related to the Giant Coors people. (for non-USAers—the Big People were featured in the weirdest ad campaign *ever*.)

  9. Maman says:

    Danielle,  It doesn’t matter how much pink you put on your bald daughter, the idiots of the world will still call her a boy.  That being said, I did go out of my way not to squeeze my daughters’ brains out before they had the chance to develop any bad ideas or habits….

    Who is this Judy Christenberry who specializes in the “Cripes! I’ve reproduced! I need a man!” genre?  I would like to pick her brain and see what makes her tick.

  10. So, I’m wondering – who’s the target reader for the “Who’s your daddy” series?  Teenage mall chicks?  A crack ho?  Guess what, Harlequin, those chicks don’t read.

  11. Candy says:

    So, I’m wondering – who’s the target reader for the “Who’s your daddy” series?

    A befuddled Michael Jackson?

  12. Keziah Hill says:

    So, I’m wondering – who’s the target reader for the “Who’s your daddy” series?

    A befuddled Michael Jackson?

    Snort! Nearly got tea all over the key board.

  13. Robyn Harper says:

    The baby in Rent-A-Daddy is contemplating a jump into that icy river.

  14. Karla says:

    I don’t mean to be rude but could the art department possibly have mislaid their sense of decorum when they put “who’s the daddy?” baby on the cover? 
    Plus the deformed rabbit toys and the soothers with blending nipples, just ick.

    At least Papa Bear looks normal er… normalish at first glance.

    Rent-a-Dad appears to have blow-up Baby and raptorial visaged woman, so I think one ought to be worried about him.  I know he’s a just an escort, but even a hard-working alien escort needs protection sometimes.

  15. sarasco says:

    Oprah gives away great stuff, but she doesn’t have those paternity test themed shows. She’s high-budget and far to classy for that. Jerry Springer and all sorts of other shows have LOTS of WT people on there finding out that their girlfriend got knocked up by her third cousin two trailers down AND she’s decided to become a lesbian with her co-worker from the hog processing plant.

    I bet the audiences that go to those shows get the whole “Who’s Your Daddy?” collection under their seats for special episodes like these. Not knowing who the father is sems like a crisis rather than an opportunity for love that may or may not stem out of a big deception. Will they have a “Who’s this rash from?” collection aimed at girls who party a little too hard? Wonder what they’d put that question on for the cover?

  16. Sarasco, you’re right.  It’s tacky as all hell.  Very day-time talk show.

  17. Aquariscies says:

    Is it just me or does the Mom on the cover of “In Papa Bears Bed” *shivers at name* look like she’s trying to pleasantly pry the children away from the father? It looks like she was fighting for custody in the middle of the family picture.

  18. Alyssa says:

    Why is a baby’s butt being used to sell a book? Why?

    The baby on Rent-a-Dad totally looks like an alien. Which goes along with the Rent-a-Dad, I guess.

    The poor baby on The Last Stubborn Cowboy looks truly terrified. Save the baby. Now!

  19. Dacia says:

    I am going to have to echo the sentiments about the “In Papa Bear’s Bed” title.  What the eff?  Who would actually read a book with that title unless it was purchased from the adult superstore.  And even with how trashy those are, they still don’t have kids on the cover.

    Also, the “Rent-a-Dad” cover is just disturbing.  The looks like he is going to run off with the poor kid, and mom’s in the background grinning from ear to ear like she has been waiting for the goblin king since the kid arrived!

  20. Lauri Doublevie says:

    I’m a little late for this, but I didn’t find out about this site (and this section) until after winter break from college.

    The first one: The guy looks like Charles Rocket (a former Saturday Night Live castmember from the early 1980’s who killed himself last year), judging by his budding mullet and face structure. Maybe that’s why he committed suicide…

    And I won’t even mention the bent-over baby and “Who’s The Daddy” written on the baby’s butt. Sounds like the punchline to a dirty joke—dirtier than “The Aristocrats”.

    The second one (to me) doesn’t bring to mind a family having fun molesting each other. It brings more to mind of a family that pretends to be clean cut for family pics and such but in real life, they hate each others’ guts. The only thing that’s making it perverted is the title.

    Third one: Plain and simple, the shirtless wonder is going to bathe Junior in a Rocky Mountain spring—with his clothes on and the wife is looking on happily, not thinking that any of this is strange, kinda like something in a Monty Python skit.

    Fourth One: Also, plain and simple, he’s going to molest her. Come on, he’s shirtless also and a little too happy while the baby looks horrified.

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