More secret baby/baby-daddy books from our fabulous readers, and more horrified responses from Sarah & Candy. What a lovely way to start the week!
Sarah: Forgive me, but your daddy the Duke might want to (a) consider another source other than Burger King for his crowns, and (b) start looking into charm school, because you, little girl, look like you have some serious attitude problems.
Candy: I initially mis-read the title as My Daddy the Puke. Tee hee!
Speaking of puke: this cover has just caused my admittedly low gag threshold to redline. Come to think of it: Many romance novel covers should come with built-in barfbags. Holy shit, I’m a GENIUS.
Sarah: TRIPLET secret babies? What in the name of all that is good and noble in the world, is THAT about? I’m guessing it’s a hard secret to keep, considering that most triplet deliveries involve a few months of bed rest to allow for as long a gestation as possible. How do you explain that one? “Well, darling, I’m sorry I didn’t return your calls for four months, I was kidnapped by aliens! And excuse that giant stretch mark. It’s nothing. Just, um, slipped while I was writing with a Sharpie!”
Candy: Wow. Just…wow. I mean, Jesus fuck, the secret baby fetish is pretty retarded to begin with. To multiply this by a factor of three boggles the mind. Frankly, it sounds like kind of a freak show. Next up: “Secret Astonishingly Hirsute Conjoined Twin Babies!”
Sarah: Ok, is it me or do the three dudes look a little like the men from Full House?
And how is that romantic, not knowing who the baby daddy is, and then standing around in your nightgown with all three of them? Yeesh.
Candy: The implication seems to be that this woman had frenzied group sex with these three men without the benefit of STD or birth control. HOT! I didn’t know Harlequin published love stories about crazy swingers. Bonus points if the events leading to the pregnancy involved snorting cocaine off her breasts.
Sarah: It’s not so much the doctor’s dilemma as the mother’s – how the hell did she pick a zombie ob/gyn who DOESN’T KNOW HOW TO HOLD NEWBORNS? And on top of that, the artist seems to have Photoshopped the same face on each baby? Yeesh. That’s just freaking creepy right there. I’m going to stop looking at it now – I’ve got the jibblies.
Candy: Michael Jackson must be getting desperate—here, he seems to be kidnapping not one, but TWO babies who wouldn’t have looked too out of place in Eraserhead.
The doctor’s dilemma? How he’s going to explain it to the jury during the malpractice trial. I handle a cantelope with more care than he’s showing those poor little babies!
A very scary cover.
Dukes don’t have crowns, they have coronets with strawberry leaves in them. Everybody knows that, don’t they? I mean, that’s what being a Duke is all about – strawberry leaves. Nobody else gets to wear them. Even being called “your Grace” isn’t that great because Bishops are called “your Grace” too.
I suspect that her daddy may have bought his title off the internet.
To repeat a comment from last week’s cover snark:
Who is this Judy Christenberry, and why hasn’t she been stopped??!
This lady is slightly creepy.
The Doctor’s Dilemma? The man’s forearms look like they’ve been reattached to his body after being ripped off! Possibly by the same person that stole his ability to make a facial expression. I could do a better job than that!
I think the doctor´s being setup in his own sarcophagus lined with panoramic pictures. The babies are actually clay vessels filled with the dope he used to be left cathatonic.
He was the founder of the Secret Baby Society, a cult that worshipped dirty diapers.
The implication seems to be that this woman had frenzied group sex with these three men without the benefit of STD or birth control. HOT! I didn’t know Harlequin published love stories about crazy swingers. Bonus points if the events leading to the pregnancy involved snorting cocaine off her breasts.
Well, I snorted coffee and nearly choked to death reading this. ROFLMAO! And yeah, they do look like the guys from Full House. This kind of plot line would have improved that show.
I admit I am almost curious about the group sex book: exactly how are they going to make that plot romantic? Ok so perhaps they didn’t have group sex but what is so wonderful, precisely, about not knowing who’s your baby daddy? Are they going to fight each other for the honour?
Wtf?
The last cover, for some reason, reminds me of Raelians. Like it should be on a Raelian pamphlet or something.
I agree – getting the romance out of “Who your baby daddy?” is like blood from a stone. I almost want to find a copy of that book and read it.
Hmmm. Off to Amazon!
What’s teh movie channel sticker on My Daddy the Duke? Surely not secret baby movies?
1)The guy on The Doctor’s Dilemma is clearly a young George W. And everything below the neck is too creepy to talk about.
2)Who’s the Daddy? should be an Ellora’s Cave selection. Oh, and then they could all live happily ever after together! I’d read that.
3)Judy Christenberry is more than slightly creepy. I hope to God it’s a pseudonym used by all the writers who are embarrassed to put their real name on a secret baby book.
I looked her up. She looks like a 55+ grandma-like lady. And she had a lot of books on her booklists…scary
I really need to stop reading this when I’m drinking my morning coffee—Dh is beginning to question all the stains on the walls from where I spit my coffee out laughing!
Holy. Fucking. Christ.
Okay, first off? That Triplet Secret Babies thing? Okay, nothing romantic about having a fucking LITTER, mmmkay? And an amusing sidenote—I’ve got an internet accelerator (may all the gods damn you, dial-up) that works by slightly decreasing the quality of pictures, so that subtitle above Judy Freakyberry’s name? Looked WAY too much like MUTANT MATERNITY.
Secondly, snotty little rich brats? Not good cover material. I personally don’t look at 6 year old girls in their pretty Sunday dresses and Burger King crowns and think, “Ooh, romance, HOTT, whadda turn-on.” And I don’t want to know anyone who does.
Thirdly, Who’s The Daddy? That book is the lovechild (or secret baby, if you will) of the illicit sexual romp between Full House and the Jerry Springer show.
And The Doctor’s Dliemma? I’m guessing it has to do with whether the two newborns with rigor mortis are fresh enough to use as spare parts, because that dude SO needs new arms and hands. Can we say TOTALLY SQUICKED OUT???
And btw, EXCELLENT cover snark! I was eagerly anticipating the return of Old Harlequin Covers Snark and you did not disappoint. Now I’m going to go projectile vomit. Toodles!
Did I mention to y’all that hubby and I went backlogging for cover snarks when he started reading over my shoulder to figure out why I was laughing so hard my spleen was in danger, lol.
TOO funny!
Dee
These all sound like Maury Povich episodes. “You are the father!”
I have tears rolling down my face.
First because of the Burger King crown observation – so, so geniusly spot on.
Second because I too looked up Ms Christenberry and discovered she’s written a book called The Texan’s Tiny Dilemma.
So God bless Judy Christenberry. Someday when I’m awfully low I’m going to pull that out of my memory and laugh.
Since ebook covers are the ones usually in the line of fire, I’d like to point out that my secret baby book has no Burger King crowns, rigor-mortised infants, nor confused “I know I was drunk,but I did ALL of you?” mommies on the cover.
I’m so proud.
I want to start reading these secret baby books – I enjoy group sex scenes A LOT.
Okay, secret baby books are one of those romance things that should just be an urban legend but instead are a boombing business.
And perhaps my inability to understand is due to the fact that I’m a total bitch when pregnant and wanted my husband to know, every day, that it was indeed his evil sperm that got me in that state to begin with. Perhaps I’m not morally strong enough to be quiet about it instead of narrowing my eyes at him menacingly.
Anyway, go Judy! Work that niche! The covers though, wow. I’m going to have to find some of these books to add to my “awful book title shelf” along with books with “Virgin” in them (and the usual descriptors like “disobedient” Bwah!
Of course “booming” is what I meant, not boombing. Jeebus.
Is the Doctor standing in front of Anne Rice’s house? Is that tree trunk sporting Spanish Moss just out of frame? Maybe his dilemna is that he’s trying to kidnap the babies away from the Witch/Vampire family but they magled his arms in the process?
Ew. That cover’s just going to bother me all day…..
I think I’ve worked out what the plot of the Who’s the Daddy book must be:
1) the heroine is a virgin who desperately wants a baby.
2) She’s probably only 24 or something, and so her fertility isn’t in decline and you’d think she’d be in no rush, but she is.
3) There’s a mixup at the fertility clinic.
4) The 3 men are possible donors (but the author will not allude to how the sperm got out of the donors and into the collecting vessel).
5) The virgin will fall in love with one of the 3 donors, whom she will meet due to yet another accident at the clinic which breaches client confidentiality.
6)Virgin will have great, orgasmic sex with the hero.
7)Virgin will break it off with hero, thinking that he won’t accept the baby if he’s not the baby-father, but mainly because there’s a need for a Big Misunderstanding to prolong the book.
8) Virgin will realise she cannot live without the hero.
9) Hero knows he can’t live without the heroine, even if it’s not his baby. He goes to her house to try to reason with her, just as she’s dashing to his house to apologise for ever doubting him. They finally meet up with each other and are blissfully reconciled.
10) They have more great sex.
11) Of course, the one she falls in love with is the one who’s the biological father of her child. So convenient.
12) Epilogue in which they have about 3 other children and are all blissfully happy.
Can anyone who’s actually read the book confirm if I’m right?
When Caroline Adkins woke in a hospital bed with amnesia, she received startling news she was pregnant! She couldn’t remember one single night of passion…yet three different men were claiming paternity! Sexy stranger Max Daniels was the only man not previously acquainted with her powerful family. But one look into his eyes and Caroline started to fall for him, even though he was the least likely daddy-hopeful. Meantime, her family was arranging her marriage to a man with more proof…. Caroline was headed toward the altar with the seemingly right daddy – but the wrong man. Could she and Max prove his paternity in time to stop her wedding?
Secret babies, bunches o’ money, amnesia, secrets, arranged marriages… this has it all! I’m going to buy this now and haunt the post office until it comes in and then read it all in one sitting and then tell everyone how much I loved it and review it on my blog and… and…
… sorry, the meds just kicked in, and the insanity has stopped for another day. I’ll have to continue this line of thought later.
Ah, fear not, Amy. I have purchased myself a copy and as soon as it arrives, I shall read, review, and then attempt to reboot my brain from the Last Known Good configuration, which would mercifully contain no fragments of memory about that book.
It’s worth a try, anyway. The book and the memory reboot.
The real ‘Who’s the Daddy’ plot sounds even sillier than what I’d thought up. My mind is boggling at the idea of ‘a man with more proof’. Does he have the sheet stained with blood on which she lost her virginity? Can he describe the birthmark she has on a very secret part of her body (as in Shakespeare’s Cymbeline)? Has a creepy member of her family installed a secret webcam in her bedroom? Have they digitally manipulated some photos?
Amy, if you do read it please, please post a synopsis.
>>along with books with “Virgin†in them (and the usual descriptors like “disobedient†Bwah!<<
The Disobedient Virgin? Holy heck, that makes me kinda tingly. Plays into all kinds of fantasies. Whew. Unfortunately, if it’s a series, it won’t be even close to that kind of good. Hmm. Maybe I’ll pop on over to The Cave and use it as a search term. Ta! :cheese:
The Doctor’s Dilemma is that he has breasts shaped like babies.
DAMN, DAMN, DAMN!!!!! Now I want to read the stupid “Who’s the Daddy?” book. I soooo don’t have time for this! I have two grad school projects due by Feb. 3 and I MUST have them done by Jan. 30 because the new Christina Dodd and the new Rachel Gibson are going to be out on the 31st and I am so behind that I have not even picked up the new Jennifer Crusie yet. OHHHH THE HUMANITY!!!
Judy Christenberry has written many a fine title. In one series, weddings run amuck when Taralulabelle Hayride is accidentally Struck by the Texas Matchmakers with a cast-iron decorative fish slice. In a rage, she seats them near the toilets at her reception for The $10,000,000 Texas Wedding. Learning of this plan, they snub her and instead attend The Great Texas Wedding Bargain pig roast organised by her impoverished trailer-dwelling second cousin and secret love. Will The Nine Month Bride ever find the courage to tell this studly used-car dealer, Surprise: You’re a Daddy?
All of this has inspired me to write my own secret baby romance. I’m going to call it: Mamas, Don’t let your Secret Babies grow up to be Billionaire Texas Cowboys.
Oh, please no more baby covers. I’m begging you! The Doctor’s Dilemma is a truly frightening cover.
There’s also something awful about Triplet Secret Babies. Note to cover designers: STOP with the baby bottom covers.
I know I’m late to the party, but I just wanted to point out the disturbing baby feet inset on the “Who’s the Daddy?” cover. The feet are two different sizes! What the hell kind of mutant baby is this?