Here in Smart Bitch land, it is a day of happy news. And how else to announce the happy happy joy joy than with… cover snark, and more abominations of art from librarian extraordinaire Lady Rhian?
And why the double-dose of cover snark? Because Smart Bitch Sarah is pregnant with the Smart Bitch Not-So-Secret Baby and is due in September – Woo!
Sarah: Ok, so this technically isn’t a baby but he’s young and probably a little older than Smart Bitch Freebird. And my guess at his age is about the only thing that’s right with this cover. Is each person depicted going to a different costume party in a different time period? And why are these two letting the little boy go back in time to the 70’s satin-lapel-and-‘fro era unattended?
And why is there a small dark figure taking a dump in the fire?
Candy: Hgr’nak-G’thak sat patiently and waited. His hunger was ever-growing. It gnawed in his belly and snaked up his spine. The Big Ones did not know. The Big Ones were slow and stupid, and could not possibly comprehend. They cooed at him and talked to him using their crude, ugly language. His eyes glowed, and he smiled in anticipation, knowing that soon he would draw his ceremonial knife from its curly sheath and carve new smiles and new mouths on the Big Ones in places where mouths should never be.
The blood would flow soon. Oh yes. The blood would flow.
Sarah: Him: “Who’s baby is that?”
Her: “I dunno. Somebody’s.”
There really isn’t enough romance set in the trauma, heartbreak and terror of the stolen baby industry.
Candy: The impression I get is that the woman is such a huge whorey whore that she lost track of paternity. Mmmm, herpesbabies!
Sarah: And here is yet another neglected subgenre: orgasmic childbirth romance.
“Oh, honey, the contractions are only four minutes apart!”
“RWOR! LET’S GET IT ON!”
Candy: Hey, if nipple stimulation works to kick-start labor, think about all the wonders clitoral stimulation can do.
Sarah: People. PEOPLE. YOUR BABIES ARE EATING YOU ALIVE.
Her: “Psst.”
Him: “Yeah?”
Her: “How’s Dad? Need some steak sauce?”
Him: “Nah. He’s plenty flavorful on his own. You?”
Her: “Mom could use some tenderizer, but I’m working on it.”
Candy: N’grik-Thagn and H’trag-gmelk crawled over their hosts, anticipation for the coming kill singing in their veins, and wondering how their colleague, Hgr’nak-G’thak, was doing in his quest for blood.
oo! babies! i’m kinda a baby fanatic. if i’m at school too long without going home and seeing “my” babies, i go into withdrawal. that being said, yes, the babies on these covers are a bit creepy. and i want to go steal them away from the scary people that claim to be their parents. especially the ones in the first cover—who the hell dresses their kid like that? in ANY time period??
oh, and, congrats, sarah! too bad you dont live in the amherst area (you dont, do you?) or i’d offer my babysitting services…
Congratulations, Sarah!
Poor little 1970’s toddler in THE CHRISTMAS MATCHMAKER, flung back almost two centuries in time!
Mazal tov, Sarah! Freebird’s going to love being a big bro.
Congrats to both of you smart bitches!
Jeez Louise, I could’ve sworn Freebird was only a few months old. Time flies! Congratulations, Sarah!
Oh, and that cover with the pregnant woman suffering from back labor? Is the worst cover EVAH. One glimpse of that and I lost all feeling in my tingly parts.
Hey! In the sequel, the hero watches lustfully, pants already unbuttoned, as the heroine slouches on the couch in a filthy bathrobe, greasy hair falling into her eyes as she nurses a newborn. “I’ve got the perfect salve for cracked nipples, darlin’,” he purrs, while her vacant eyes burn, too exhausted to produce real tears.
Wow, so much good news in one day. Congrats to you Sarah!
Congrats, Sarah, hubby, and Freebird! That’s awesome news. May your child look nothing like the horrible child-things displayed on these covers.
WTF?? I just clicked that orgasmic childbirth link and… I don’t want any part of an equation like me + child = orgasm. Just seems incestuous to me. Would it be even more gross if dad whipped it out and jerked while mom’s having a baby? Eww, eww, eww.
OMG, I had finally managed to put that Somebody’s Baby cover out of my head, and then I go and stumble across it on here!
The mortified author
Sarah, that is AWESOME! Only…how do you follow up with a second name as cool as Freebird? Maybe you should run a Smart Bitch contest to find a Secret Blog Name for SB Baby II.
THE CHRISTMAS MATCHMAKER – Is she wearing a dress decorated with buttons? I think I may have had a dress like that in 1983 (when I was 5…)
Congrats Sarah!
Why do you all do this to me? Now I’m cringing because of all of the anachronisms in the Matchmake cover. Aside from the knee britches and the Simplicity pattern dress—Didn’t anyone involved with this cover know that children of both sexes wore “frocks” until age 3. I’m sure it had something to do with toilet training. But I also think there has probably been a serioua lack of research among regency authors about toilet training.
CONGRATS!! That is really great. Now if I could only forget the horrible covers!
Congratulations, that’s wonderful news!!
I suspect from the dazed smiles on the man and woman of the Baby Exchange cover that what they are about to exchange those babies for is more heroin.
Oops, that last comment (about the heroin) was me. I brought my cookies over from another site, apparently. Stupid site.
OK, Miss Stevens – please tell us: it was somebody’s baby, so whose was it?
And we did pick out a pregnancy nickname for this one: Baba O’Riley, keeping with the Classic Rock anthem theme. Hubby didn’t think “Gadda da Baby” or “Stairway” was a good baby nickname, but Baba O’Riley totally cracks me up.
Congrats, Sarah!
That kid in “Somebody’s Baby” looks really freaky, like he’s planning to kill. That would be an interesting book to read.
Congrats SBSarah!!
Congratulations! (I think federal regulations prohobit you from looking at these covers while pregnant though).
Wow, having done both—law school and two babies—I don’t know which of you is in for the wilder adventure.
But my guess is: Candy. Because seriously, it’s unnatural. (But motherhood, while natural, is for-freaking-ever.)
Congratulations to you both. If you
ever need moral support, feel free to contact me. But not for advice. Because the only sane advice is “run!” and it’s just not PC.
Plus, it all worked out in the end. Motherhood and law school are only difficult when you’re in media res. When they’re over? Piece of cake.
Kate
Congratulations Sarah!
When I saw “Somebody’s Baby” on the cover, I thought it was a “rushed to print” book about a famous someone who shall remain nameless who now has a multitude of men young & old rushing to claim paternity of her baby.
Then I read about orgasmic childbirth and now have an image permanently seared into my brain of a baby being born with a BOB in its hand.
And of course I HAD to click on the link. In this age of oversharing, I can honestly say this is the first time I’ve heard about people actually sharing their orgasmic experiences.
My fave line from the story about orgasmic childbirth? “If conception feels good, why not childbirth?” Yeah, why not? It’s a helluva mystery. Clearly another example of The Man keeping us from knowing our own bodies.
Re: the small dark figure taking a dump in the fire
See http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Caganer
I just found out about this at a “Poop Night” I attended last month with my brother. A whole night of improv comedy / stories about poop. With free beer.
Holy crap, a day for news here! Congrats, Sarah. And that cover #3 is like Vietnam flashbacks for mothers. Damn! No! I won’t go back!
Sarah, that’s wonderful! Congratulations!
and wondering how their colleague, Hgr’nak-G’thak, was doing in his quest for blood.
And thanks, Candy, I almost choked to death on my pizza.
Congrats, Sarah!! Yay!!
Candy, your comments on the first cover cracked me up. Or as the daughter of a friend of mine says – cracked me out!
You have no idea! All I can say is (congratulations and…):
http://www.whatisdeepfried.com/zogg/zogg1.html
KSA!
Sarah—Congratulations to you, too! That’s wonderful. Sorry to tell you that in my case the whole pregnancy thing was much less glamorous the second time around (on many base levels that need not be detailed here).
The good part was that labor was around 23 hours shorter. (As evidence of my longtime lurkiness here at SB, I remember that my Little Man was born on the same day as Freebird!)
Not sure about you, but my notion of blissed out during labor is an epidural and not the possiblity of an orgasm as my baby crowns. I also know that during my third trimester I was utterly estranged from any notion of horniness such as that being exhibited by the heroine of “Marriage and Miracles.” Had I ever been in her position, my only thought would have been how I was going to lever my bulk up out of that armless chair so that I could go and pee.
Congrats, Sarah! I’m due in the beginning of October! Isn’t it fun?
At last Little Boy Blue got his horn, so he can go blow it…unfortunately the horn isn’t the only thing that blows on this cover. Can someone tell the tool that wrote this cover commentary that a: Cupid doesn’t go around dropping off gifts like some cherubified Santa, and b: It’s Christmas, not Valentine’s Day!!!
Congratulations SB Sarah and family!
Oh god, the murderous babies! I may or may not have suffered from mild incontinence due to the laughing!
Also, the word of the day is ‘father48’. How appropriate!
Outta curiosity, does anyone know of a -good- (or at the very least, entertaining) book with a Secret Baby? I am loathe to admit, but on the very rare occasion, I may even seek these dark tomes out…
Oh wow!!!! That’s wonderful news! September baby! How awesome. 🙂
Those covers are horrible. Looking at the Marriage and Miracles one reminded me of my very uncomfortable last few months of pregnancy. Wow. Not romantic at all.
Congratulations on the New Smart-Bitch Baby! Keep us posted on how things are going!!!
And, as always…thanks for the Cover-Snark….especially the little Cannibals…buahaha..
There really isn’t enough romance set in the trauma, heartbreak and terror of the stolen baby industry.
Nora wrote three books like that that I know of, the latest being Born in Death. I think Birthright also qualifies, and there’s one of the Donovans (whose name I can never remember) with a similar plot.
I think that’s about all I can stand of that particular plot device however.
Congrats!!
“Hearts of Fire”: The guy looks like he has a thing for the pregnant ladies. Hide those baby bumps!
Congrats ladies. Sounds like both of you have some “hard labor” ahead! BRAWHAHAHA
Good luck with both endeavors.
AND keep those covers coming. They are truly awful…and yet, so funny.
Congratulations, SB Sarah! 🙂
Congratulations to Sarah, Sarah’s hubby, and Freebird. The world can always use another Smart Bitch!
Congratulations, SB Sarah!
Victoria, you made me cough my cupcakes with that post-partum scenario of the pervy papa panting after the mom with the suckling infant and burning, empty eyes. Thanks for starting my day off right!