Smart Bitches Trashy Books | All of the romance, none of the bullshit.

I just read this review of Breaking Dawn on Jezebel and have to note that even though I am half asleep, this paragraph rocked my world:

Breaking Dawn does seem to be promoting a fundamentally conservative ideology. But then so does The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe, and they will pry that book from my cold, dead, godless fingers. I think ultimately we shouldn’t worry too much about what ideas young adult books promulgate. We should worry about whether the books themselves are awesome. Because awesomeness promotes thinking, and thinking promotes becoming the kind of adult we all want more of in the world: the kind who can understand the message of a book — or a movie, or a blog post, or a presidential candidate — and decide for herself whether she agrees.

If I had a penis, I’d have a boner right now, is all I’m sayin’.

In honor of this year’s Bulwer Lytton prize winners for 2008, it’s time, I think, for the worst first line in a romance novel competition. I know there is a “romance” category in the real Bulwer-Lytton, but given the depths (hur) of your creativity, there needed to be more.

You know the drill: give us your original works of horrid first line art, that you yourself wrote, as awful and excellent as possible please! Comments are open for 24 hours, so leave your first line of awesomeness there. I’ll be doing something different this time around, though: in the comments, we’ll take nominations for the finals. So if you see a first line there you like, nominate it for the finals, and I’ll post the final slate of top-nominated first lines for final voting.

First prize: $25 gift certificate for the bookstore of your choice (Powell’s or Amazon), plus Romance Novel Poetry Kit for your eternal amusement while you stand at the fridge wondering if you’re hungry or just wanted to feel a cool breeze.

Second prize: Something Awesome. I’m not at the Prize Suitcase right now but there’s awesome in there, I promise.

Third Prize: see above!

Why The Henley Bodice Prize? Because Virginia Henley wrote some marvelously bizarre and downright screeching first scenes for her novels, with some great first lines, particularly my favorite, Dream Lover:

As the perfectly formed, timeless shape of the rounded head emerged, still glistening with wetness, Emerald couldn’t take her eyes from it.

Bring it on!

Thinking of writing during September? Thinking of reading during September (who isn’t?!)? Writers and readers are joining to raise money for The Cystic Fibrosis Foundation through the Unleash Your Story event. Sponsors can donate in honor of the writing and reading goals pledged by those who register, and folks can register in teams or individually. This year’s pacesetter author is Debbie Macomber, who writes about 46.6 million words a day, and I have to go lie down now.

Thanks to Kate Rothwell for the link.

Your Quest: Kinsale Poetry about, in tribute to, regarding, or generally celebrating any of Laura Kinsale’s books, characters, etc. You can write it in the voice of one of the characters, or you can write it to one of the characters (though I believe Candy will fight you over more than a few of them). Whatever floats your boat, it’s business poetry time.

Your Poetic Format: Limerick or haiku. The choice is yours. You can enter as many times as you want. Bring it on, bring it often. Just bring it.

Your Judge: Laura Kinsale will judge the entries, and has the following words of encouragement for you poetic masterminds out there: Hints for contestants: My taste in limericks and haiku would probably be similar to Miss Leda’s.  I will try not to give hedgehogs an unfair advantage.

Your Time Limit: You have 24 hours to post your poetic awesomeness in the comments.

Your Prize Booty: Thanks to SourceBooks Casablanca, we have a kickass set of prizes to give away.

The grand prize winner will receive a three-book set of the Kinsale books being released from Sourcebooks Casablanca: Midsummer Moon, Seize the Fire, and The Prince of Midnight, signed by Laura Kinsale.

Three honorable mention prizes will also be awarded, and the winners will receive one of the three Sourcebook Kinsale releases, also signed by Laura Kinsale.

So get your poetry on, folks. In order to inspire you, we provide samples.

Kinsale picks winners
Soon, there will be rejoicing
as books find new homes!

Laura Kinsale writes:

Indeed, it was an agonizing choice.  However, one must girdle one’s bustle, apply all due care and make one’s selections of the creme de la creme among these entries, all of which were memorable.

Knowing that we must put aside Miss Candy’s brilliant haiku in Middle English, as I am told she is not eligible, let us proceed to the Honorable Mentions.

Firstly, Laura H because I had to look up “Double Dactyl.”

Secondly, Jenny, for Best Use of Buffle-Headed in a haiku.

Thirdly, Lara, for her haiku to Allegretto.  Thank you.  Just...thank you.

And finally, the Grand Prize goes to MS Jones.  I’m sorry, but “Seize the Hedgehog” was simply irresistible and now I will probably have to actually write a book so I can name it that.  Curse you MS Jones! 

However, lest the SB’s suspect that I simply fell for the hedgehog, I must emphasize that her complete collection of 3 haikus and a limerick rose to a level of excellence that could not be denied.

I applaud the creativity and awesomeness of the SB’s.  I never expected so many excellent entries.  Thanks also to Sourcebooks for contributing the prizes!

Congratulations to our winners, and thank you for your poetic mastery. Damn y’all are good. Thank you to Laura Kinsale and to Danielle at Sourcebooks Casablanca for the repeated and thorough awesomeness. 

The Smart Bitch Book needs a Smart Bitch Book Videomo*. And who better to make us wet our pants with laughter than the collective brilliance of The Bitchery?

*You’re probably asking yourself, “Self, what the fuck is a videomo?” Well, the answer, Self, is that it’s a pastiche of “video” and “promo.” Why not use the words Book + Trailer? Because “book trailer” is trademarked to Sheila Clover English, CEO of Circle of Seven Productions. So, Videomo it is. Sounds like Tony Romo, only not so much a Dallas Cowboy. And we doubt that any promo videos will date Jessica Simpson, though one never knows.

This is probably one of the bigger contests we’ve run, so get ready for a lot of explanation. The nutshell: you make a promo video about our book, upload it to YouTube and alert us to its presence. We collect all the entries on our channel, and showcase as many of them as possible as part of our Friday Video collections. A panel of Extremely Erudite, Intelligent, and Awesome people will select the winner, and the winner gets a holy shit huge prize package.

What’s a holy shit huge prize package? Behold: