Smart Bitches Trashy Books | All of the romance, none of the bullshit.

What we have here is a Google-translated article from Finland, but really, that picture is worth a thousand translated words.

Except for maybe these six words: “Cunt brings the art of anything.”

I think that phrase might hold the secrets of the universe. Or at least the secret as to why the Pens didn’t win the Stanley Cup.

But on the whole (ha!) this is romantic comedy gold. Biking vulvas that bring the art? One can only assume they also bring the noise and the funk. So you know what this means?

Smart Bitch Contest!

Write us up some advertisement copy for a radio ad promoting your new romantic comedy, a comedy which, obviously, features bikes, vulvas, possibly art, and certainly cuntular hilarity. Celebrity endorsements? Hyperbolic statements? Bring it on! Bring us the finest meats and cheeses, plus a 200 word promotional radio advertisement for your book, and send it to by midnight tomorrow night, 10 June, Eastern time. I’ll be putting up the advertisements for your judging, and we’ll pick us a winner.

Prizes? Man, it would be cool if I could give away a bike, but alas, that isn’t in my inner tube. How about a $25 gift certificate to Powell’s or Amazon, your choice, and the CD audio book of Christina Dodd’s Some Enchanted Evening.

Pedal on, Bitches, Pedal on.

Entry #1 Frankie O’Malley

Frankie O’Malley’s giant vulva sculptures were to make her the next Georgia O’Keefe. She couldn’t believe it when CLOCK magazine decided to cover her newest exhibit. But when BMX champion Maddox Raine saw the graceful curves of Frankie’s biggest vulva outside the art museum, he simply thought it was a wicked awesome ramp.  Suddenly CLOCK magazine has a more interesting article than just an upcoming artist.  Frankie hated him for mocking her art and stealing her publicity, but her friends knew the truth.  When Maddox rode his bike into the vulva he also rode into the artist’s heart.  Now her two best friends, estranged cousins, and precocious daughter must convince the artist and the biker of their love.  They set-up an online profile at Bikers Anonymous for ‘Pudenda-tascular Artist’ and chat up Maddox to convince him that Frankie feigned her hate.  But what happens when Maddox’s scheming fiancée, an Olympic swimmer, discovers their scheme?  Will her amorous flood coldly leave Frankie without satisfaction?  See THE VULVA WAY, in theaters this summer, to discover the climax of Frankie and Maddox’s love.  It’s a completely original film of bikes, vulvas, art, and meddlesome others sure to be the hit of the summer.

Entry #2 The Heart Shaped Box by Cella deVenus

Vanessa couldn’t believe the stipulation her uncle had left in his will! In order to collect her inheritance she would have to bike across Italy carrying a priceless art piece on her person—The Heart Shaped Box. Little does she know that the fellow cyclist she joins up with along the way is Manen Gorged, a man more interested in getting his fingers on the secret treasure in her folds than the Italian countryside. But he’ll reassess his feelings when, after an accident, he must plunge himself into the hidden cleft known as Aphrodite’s Flower to save Vanessa.

Cella deVenus spreads herself wide over every page in her first novel. Her descriptions of weeping grottos, dewy mounds, moist caves, and worshipping at sacred altars, coupled with glistening, firm gripping prose will have you aching for more. Ride this warm velvety road romance today!

“Tight, slick passages!” says Smart Bitches.

Entry #3 The Money Shot

Mimosa Pale, princess of Unholaan, is royally pissed. Named for a sissy drink and forbidden from the sun and anything fun, she slips her palace guards, dresses down and poses as a photographer’s assistant. Not just any photographer, but Jedi-journalist Jatti Hapy, the pedaling prince of the paparazzi, the man who’s made her every move a misery.

An artist with vast vision, Jatti does not agree to stay in Unholaan forever, just long enough to score a snap of the mysterious Miss Mimosa’s pristine pink perfection. Once People pays him, he’ll plunk down the cash for a camper and canvas the countryside in search of hard copy and put his Payless-shod feet out to pasture. But when a crazy mixed-up kid who doesn’t know a camera from a clusterbomb catastrophically confuses his chemicals, he cottons on his cutie is not who she claimed. And could it be? The pouting princess has been under his proboscis the whole time!

The Money Shot, a rollicking intergalactic romantic comedy inspired by Roman Holiday--- only with bikes and spaceships instead of scooters ---will tickle you from your tonsils to your toenails. Buy it at bookstores from Beirut to Bangor!

Entry #4 Cross Cuntry

Cherry Stone doesn’t think art and Mormonism are exclusive. She’s promoting premarital virginity by riding her VulvaCycle in an all-female, coast-to-coast bike race.

Actor Rod Hardy needs some attention. Wearing a wig, he’s riding as Lola Lamb on his bike, the Trojan Horse. Cherry never saw a horse with no head and such prominent ribs, but it is aerodynamic.

When “Lola” and Cherry collide, “Lola” offers to help repair Cherry’s damaged petals. Lesbians are an abomination to Mormons, but Cherry feels something for her butch competitor that she never felt for her Mormon fiancé. Maybe it’s just appreciation for “Lola’s” facility with tools.

Rod’s lust is crimped by having to tuck in his bike shorts, but he manages to convince Cherry that girly action won’t violate her vow. If “Lola” helps Cherry win the race, Cherry will let “Lola” taste her juices. Then Rod’s agent calls. Provided Rod wins the race and unmasks, he’ll get the TV condom campaign he wants.

While Cherry lubes her chain, Rod falls in love. If she wins the race, can he win her heart? Will he have to get a sex change and embrace polygamy? Find out, in Cross Cuntry.

Entry #5 Loose Lips

Coming soon: “Loose Lips” Starring Vajayjay Loving and Peter Cuntsmore. 

Loosinda Massengill, the critically acclaimed sculptor of the 10 foot tall vagina called “The Love Cave”, is commissioned to create a new master piece for the city’s new museum with Dicky Sackson, a new up in coming artist who’s art centers around bicycle seats and limp chains.  Dicky insists that they combine their distinctive styles to create a new symbolic statue that represents love, cycling, and brazillian waxed cooches.  He wants to put Loosinda’s Love Cave lips against his banana seat. 

But Loosinda has taken a vow to never allow a banana to slip against her lips.  As they toil in the workroom day in and day out, slowly Loosinda allows Dicky to touch her vadge and mold it, work it and even…set it on his racing seat!  Dicky wins Loosinda over with his knowledge of bicycles, sense of humor and vulva themed limericks.  It’s a special moment when Dicky opens up and shows Loosinda his purple helmet.  The training wheels come off and Loosinda rides Dicky like a Schwinn!  But will their love survive?  Will their sculpture “Ride and Grind” impress the museum committee? Watch and see!