by SB Sarah • Thursday, June 05, 2008 at 11:24 AM
I frequently troll eBay for romance novel covers, cover art, and original paintings used for romances, though I haven’t bought a painting that I liked. Then I had another thought: what about Etsy? Oh, ho! Etsy, a treasure trove of badass shit, is flush with old romance novels remade into curiousities and functional items.
Old Harlequin romances remade into plastic business card holders are a hot item, at least, they are in my purse. I have one, a gift from a clever personwho bought herself a similar item made from the cover of “The Pink Phaeton.” How can you not love a pink Phaeton? Those pink phaetons, they are irresistible.
There are pages crafted into naughty pendant jewelry, the more salacious the better. “His tongue probed?” You bet it did. What better sentiment to imprison under glass?
Like pop art? There’s some of that, too.
Romance novels are also harvested for notebooks. Instead of being bashful about carrying your favorite trashy book, flaunt your diva-licious ironic use of sultry embraces and mantitty with a handmade notebook.
My favorite? “maked” has a few made of more recent Harlequins, including this rather steamy cover from Jill Shalvis’ Shadow Hawk.
by SB Sarah • Wednesday, August 27, 2008 at 05:24 AM
Our Grade:
Title: Twilight
Author: Stephenie Meyer
Publication Info: Little, Brown Young Readers 2006, ISBN: 0316015849
Genre: Young Adult
To say I was angsty as a teenager is something of a majestic understatement. I was miserable, for a host of reasons. And I had suitably angsty intense relationships with really awful, unsuitable, self absorbed guys who were interested more in screwing with my already ruffled emotions than they were any genuine efforts at being a couple. One particular guy was an absolute waste, and I am horrified that I spent so much time trying to make this fool happy.
Reading Twilight reminds me heavily of my angsty teen self, and how ridiculous it was that I expected rainbows and happiness when, let’s be honest, teenagerdom is pretty fucking miserable all around. It makes me think of a really old, navel gazing Alanis Morissette song wherein she says, “You were plenty self-destructive for my tastes at the time/ I used to say, the more tragic the better.” Yeah. That about sums up my teen years, and this book.
I’m still reading this thing, persevering to the end, trying to figure out what all the fuss is about, why so many people absolutely adore this book to the point that they set up bulletin boards and fan sites and, for God’s sake, whatever you do, don’t search “Bella” or “Twilight” on Etsy or you’ll get so much jewelry with swans and crap you’ll want to set your eyeballs on fire. The Twilight fandom is a serious fandom.
In case, like me, you’ve been under a rock for awhile (how’s your rock? Mine’s awesome!) and haven’t read or heard of this series, here’s the nutshell: klutzy teen Bella Swan moves to exceptionally small gloomy town in the Pacific Northwest to live with her father, who is so absent he might as well not be a parent so much as a chaperone who falls asleep or, in this case, goes fishing a lot. Gloomy, Abercrombie-gorgeous Hottie McVampire Edward is playing at being a high school student with his adopted family, and seems profoundly disturbed by her presence, only to experience equally profound mood swings which allow him to pay extreme attention to her. Commence panting courtship.
I do get the elements that are so sultry and seductive about the plotline: he’s over the moon about her; he can’t stop thinking about her. He’s mysterious, he’s dark and gloomy, he’s like angst and sexy rolled up in a sparkly taco shell. He’s isolated and longing for her, yadda yadda yadda. And I can see why some readers adore the plotline where she reveals him and gains solo entrance into his world, is the only one to make him smile, etc.
But what I don’t get is the degree of isolation that accompanies that entrance. I can’t even explain how uncomfortable their self-imposed alienation makes me feel. The former angsty teenager in my shriveled, echoing heart is all over it, because dude. Hot angst biscuit wants her and only her and after six weeks let’s make declarations of loooooove. He’ll watch over her while she sleeps, he’ll sneak into her home, he’ll insert himself silently into every part of her world. Former Angsty Sarah can see why that’s incredibly seductive, especially when one is feeling lonely and without anyone who truly understands.
Currently Adult Sarah, who is a lot older and one would hope marginally wiser than F.A.S. is majorly squicked out. The imbalance of power between these two characters is significant, and his moodswings don’t help much. He’s annoyed, he’s irritated, he’s blissful! He’s sparkly, he’s angry, he’s irritated again. But what really bothers me is the degree to which Bella subsumes her identity at every turn. She inserts herself into her father’s home by doing the things that will make him happy (cooking, laundry, making herself scarce when he wants to go fishing and is troubled by feelings of potential parental responsibility) with minimal fuss. She inserts herself into Edward’s world by doing the same - the biggest show of spine she has (so far, I’m on page 3,546,775 of 7,532,668) is asking a shit ton of questions, but mostly only with his permission to do so. She’s a mismatched dichotomy of the teen no one notices and the teen everyone notices and it doesn’t fit well on her, nor does it make for an interesting character. Even her name as a reference to her character is klunky: Bella Swan? COME ON NOW AND I MEANT IT.
Meyer’s writing is nothing to hyperventilate over, in my opinion, except for its tendency to hyperventilate in moments of drama. That said, I don’t necessarily see the point in condemning a book and saying no one should read it, it’s awful, omg, alert the vampires that a terrible insult has been laid upon them. Meyer definitely taps into the dark, mysterious tortured hero, one of my personal favorite archetypes, but the degree to which Edward’s intensity is focused on Bella, and the degree to which he shifts in mood and action (he’s here! He’s gone! He’s back! Whee! Do vampires get frequent flyer miles because damn, he gets elite status in, like, a week.) doesn’t seem to level out. And while Edward is a 9.0 on the Richter scale in terms of mood variations, Bella mopes from meh to meh. I’m curious about the movie, simply because the actress playing her is exceptionally talented, and could revive the character to a more vibrant portrayal. The book’s version of Bella and Edward reads to me like pairing lukewarm milk with a Red Savina pepper.
My wishlist for this book is a mile long in terms of things I wished had been a little different, a little better, a little more sparkly, if you’ll pardon the pun, but mostly I wish I could understand what it is about the book that sends so many people over the moon in terms of their adoration and pursuit of more. Either way, if this book makes people sunny and moony at the same time, more happiness to them. Whatever floats your boat. Or sparkles your vampire.
by SB Sarah • Monday, September 29, 2008 at 01:44 AM
Once upon a time, Candy wrote a review for Shayla Black’s Decadent which has since become one of the most linked-to portions of the site, and was the nadir of a little-known gem of internet delight known as “LOLPorn.” Seriously, people link to that entry with astonishing regularity.
I don’t know if we’ve ever really expounded on our deep love for the folks who read this site, but damn hell and howdy do we love y’all. When we hold contests with other folks, invariably they’ll write, “You have the best readers, OMG.” It’s true. You guys are freaking awesome. Why? Because of shit like this that is so funny I wheezed and Hubby came running to make sure I wasn’t going into anaphylaxis.
I received an email from Shae that read:
One of my favorite things on the planet is definitely the review for Decadent. My friend Heather and I quote it all the time. Her birthday was on Sunday (sadly her 26th, so no hope of her being a vhamphire who could be renamed Hheathher) and I had to think of something to get her. In the first week of August I figured it out! I would buy her the book that we had been laughing about for months!
Of course, just getting a book isn’t that fun. I decided that it needed something else - so I made a bookmark! I took the lol!pr0n that was accompanied the review, printed it out, and yay, instant bookmark. It looked a bit plain, so I commissioned a small penis charm with the words ‘life saver’ on it from someone on etsy. (Note from Sarah: OMG NOT WORK SAFE)
But Shae didn’t stop there. Oh, no. There was cake. There was ASS CAKE, as in CAKE shaped like an ASS with… oh, forget it, the pictures tell all.
Be aware: NOT SAFE FOR WORK. SRSLY.
This may be the finest frosted ass I’ve seen in awhile.
Then there was the gift itself.
A closeup of the gift strategically placed so that viewers can appreciate the AWESOME.
Lucky, lucky Hhteathher!
Happy birthday, Heather, and mad props to Shae. Seriously, I laughed so hard my abs hurt.
by SB Sarah • Wednesday, October 22, 2008 at 01:44 AM
Five words that might save your life: Beware the Chocolate Willy Spread. Anyone else see an erotic suspense novel in the making? She’s trying to hunt down the criminal who poisoned her best friend; he’s the cop who has seen it all… until chocolate-dipped bananas were introduced to the menu.
[Thanks to Becky for the link.]
The BBC hosts a review of The Jewel of Medina by blogger Shelina Zahra Janmohamed, and it tests me sorely to move past her first sentence without putting my fist through the monitor:
The Jewel of Medina is a chest-heaving, brassiere-busting book of outrageously tacky historical romantic fiction.
On one hand, the author makes some valid points. On the other hand, clearly she hasn’t read a lot of romance but relies on those limp standard stereotypes, which makes the rest of her critique tiresome and annoying. Personal Foul: 10 yard penalty to Ms. Janmohamed for use of “bodice ripper.”
If she hadn’t flogged the old dead horse of romance, I would have really celebrated the following section of her review:
What we need for debate and discussion are accessible histories of all the key figures in Islamic history. As Muslims, instead of honouring these individuals blindly, we will accord them much more respect by opening our eyes to their achievements through critical re-examination of their lives. This cannot be done in an atmosphere of fear and intimidation.
Agreed, ma’am. But while you make a very appropriate point, you do yourself a grave discredit by couching your argument with the weak analogy that it’s as “bad as a romance novel.”
[Thanks to Evaine for the link.]
Checking in with the romance craft world, we have a romance novel fragrance on Etsy, with a citrus/ginger top note and a base of sandalwood and musk, and embellishment tags made from old novels as well. And don’t tell KristieJ about this set of jewelry inspired by North and South.
Feeling crafty right now, and want to do something with your never-to-be-read-again pile of romances? You can make wallets or business card holders out of them. I have one of these, a gift from Heather at Tor - it’s adorable.
[Thanks to Kate for the link.]
And finally, want some catty reviewing… of a fragrance? Enjoy the New York Times’ Moment Blog review of Danielle Steel’s perfume, “Danielle.” The, ahem, money quote:
For the first four seconds it smelled sort of vaguely like a kind of flower that you get in a gallon of floral-scented laundry detergent, and then for five seconds it reminded you of Edvard Munch’s “The Scream.” Then it evaporated, like the prose in a novel by Danielle Steel evaporated from your memory the moment you read it.
I’m so finding a sample of that as fast as I can.
[Thanks to Jessica B. for the link.]
by SB Sarah • Thursday, November 20, 2008 at 08:47 AM
I ordered a pair of mitten/gloves - the kind where there’s fingerless gloves inside mitten tops which flip over the gloves. But what makes these mittens so funky that I’m telling you about them is: Retractable Thumbs!
From DebzCreations at Etsy:
The idea for thumb flaps was given to me by a customer after trying to use a pen while wearing her new convertible gloves.
With a flick of your finger you can open the thumb flap and use a pen without removing your gloves. Or pop both thumb flaps and you can text away on your cell!!
As someone who spends a good amount of time typing with her thumbs, I’m so excited about these gloves, it’s ridiculous. And since I know so many of you are thumb typers, too, I figured warm thumb typing would be a gift that keeps on giving. Or, gvng.
I’m savoring a lot of time on Etsy lately shopping for gifts, and it’s dangerous fun. Fun because, well, crap, there’s Snarky Cards and Snarky Cross Stitch (I’m a big fan of “Fuck Cancer.") and dangerous because, crap, now I’m not going to get anything done today.
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