Want to get your eager hands on an ARC of Sherry Thomas’ August release Delicious? You do? Really?
Cool! We have 5 to give away, and your task, should you choose to accept it, is to tell us, what food do you love SO much that, if it was brought to you in the next little while, you’d be so happy you’d give a righteous sexing to the bringer? To put it more simply, what food do you love such that you’d happily bang whomever brought it to you?
Sherry Thomas, bringer of the ARCs, says that she’d willingly give up some mighty lovin’ for whomever can gift her with savory agar-agar jelly salad:
I know it sounds weird, but the agar-agar jelly is a thing of beauty, translucent and shivery, with just a tinge of the sea to the taste of it. You slice it into bite-size pieces, and pour on a dressing of pounded garlic, soy sauce, vinegar, and cilantro leaves and it’s heaven. I never see it anywhere in the States and my attempts at making my own from agar agar have all been disastrous. So it’s my sexiest food because I’ll sex anyone who brings me a bowl. And I’m talking no-holds barred sexxoring here. Okay, no bestiality. And nothing that will hurt. But other than that,no holds barred!
Me? What food will bring on the amorous response from yours truly? I admit, I’m a sucker for a specific chewy chocolate ginger molasses cookie, so if someone showed up with a plateful, some icing drizzled on each one, and a guarantee that said cookies would not be introduced to my arse in a different form (namely: as fat), I am releasing myself from responsibility for my actions.
So, what about you? I love a good frisky contest. Bring it on! What is your Food That Would Make You Wanna Sex The Bringer? Sherry will pick the winners, three by Food Sexy talk and two by random integers, and we’ll send out ARCs. You have, as usual, 24 hours to being in the food that makes you wanna get funky.
Congratulations to the lucky folks who get a copy of the ARC of Delicious for their entries in the Mmm Delicious ARCs contest. From Sherry Thomas comes the following missive:
Winners selected:
Katie Dickson
Courtney
DeputmanI read all the entries over breakfast. And I have to say, raspberries with powdered sugar never tasted so good (might also be the case that it’s the first time I’m eating raspberries with powdered sugar). Though the contest is about food and sex, inevitably, my little black heart warms for the love stories. Because love is what takes both food and sex from good to sublime, so all the winners I picked gave me love stories of some sort--and I kicked myself for deciding beforehand that I’d only pick three winners based on the entries, because there were a good few more that made me sigh about food and wonderful memories with/of loved ones.
And the random integer generator produced:
DeeCee
Anj
Hooray and well played to our winners. And after reading over all those comments, I’m really freaking hungry.
This evening, traffic, children, and weather permitting, I’ll be at the Ann Aguirre BBQ-a-Thon Gathering aka “Someone has a hella layover and decided to turn it into a PARTAY.” There’s going to be bbq, a lot of napkins because holy crap is that messy food, and a few rounds of my favorite game, “Wait, are you Maria or Marisa?” with the Romance Novel TV twins. Perhaps there will be pictures.
There is no doubt, however, there will be a stain on my pants from dripping sauce. It’s a given. And if it’s not on my pants, it’ll be on my shirt. I’m a lightning rod for indelible stains.
Thanks to Bitchery reader Jora, we have a heads up on a cool place to meet the San Francisco readers who might not be attending RWA but would like to meet Bitches in person, and an equally cool place for folks at the conference to meet up and have a drink with us.
Bitching Happy Hour will be Friday 1 August at 3:30 pm at the Thirsty Bear bar, 661 Howard Street. It’s on the Bitchery Food & Drink map of San Francisco if you need a visual or you really dig the street view. They have house brews, wine, and tapas, and since I love two out of three of those things, I am there like merde and mon dieu.
We’ll be gathering, drinking, and eating, and we’re looking forward to meeting you. This is open to anyone who wants to come have a drink with us - we hope you’ll come by! To give us a rough idea as to whether you’re going to duck out of work early and drink with the crazy ladies from this here website, leave a comment please so we can get an estimated head count. See you in a week!
Item the First: Dost thou know we have zee Twitter? We have zee Twitter. I don’t quite understand the joy of zee Twitter, but I’m going to have some fun with it. If you are at SF, either because that’s where you live, or you’re attending the conference, stay tuned to zee Twitter. I’ll be posting while I’m in SF a trivia question or a secret word. If you’re the first to (a) find me and (b) answer the question or give me the secret password, I’ll have a prize for you in my Big Ass Bag. (No, the bag is not made of actual ass, nor will your prize be ass).
Why am I doing this? Because it’ll be fun, it’ll be a neat way to meet new people, and why not give cool stuff to strangers to make new friends, right? Plus, I get to say “zee Twitter,” like The Giver from Send.com used to say his own name (He was The Giver, from Send.com. Giving was in his blood and muscle tissue) . And I have neat prizes, thanks to Ninth Moon and their very very thoughtful clearance sale.
Item the Second: Remember the accounts from last year of thieving booksellers doing the grab and run at the publisher book signings? And Walt from CuppaCafe among others ranted about it, discussing how to better prevent such crapful behavior again? Yeah. I’m hoping that same crew of ass isn’t around in San Fran, but I have my doubts as to the possibility that assholes won’t be assholes. So, I’ll be keeping my eye out for the crew of shite. If you see it happening, or you can identify the crew of crap what’s swiping the books, let me know.
Item the Third: I’m still adding slowly to the RWA Google Map of Food and Drinks and General Merriment, so stay tuned. And if you have a suggestion, please let me know.
Back when I was learning to cook, I had an absolute monster file of shortcut recipes for The Poor Student Cook (that would be me). Honestly, I look back, and I don’t know how Hubby and I survived my cooking, which wasn’t so much about actual culinary skill but about embracing the mathematical answer to the question, “How much sodium can one person ingest in one meal?”
Slather chicken with condensed soup? Oh yeah. Slather more chicken with other processed goop? Yup. Save extra goop to put on the Lipton side, which consisted of noodles and sodium? Yeah. I’m embarrassed.
But back before I knew better, that was cooking. And I was so proud to be in my kitchen, my apartment, mine mine mine, that I cooked and cooked and cooked… using processed ingredients and all kinds of narst.
Little did I know, I could have been famous. Do you know Sandra Lee? Creator of the “Semi-Homemade” empire, which those who dislike her call “Semi-Ho?” Her entire schtick is to create “semi-homemade” meals using prepared ingredients that have been scooped, reconstituted, seasoned, and beaten into a shadow of their former sodium-laden selves. The hallmarks of her show are her habit of tilting forward Giada-style into the camera boobs-first, the massive, absolutely happy-hour-worthy cocktail pitcher she’ll make in every episode, and the “tablescape,” which looks like Michael’s Crafts and the Rag Shop did the hunky chunky together and in their moment of passion burst into flame and exploded, kind of like the couple at the end of Like Water For chocolate only much more explodey, and with a mother ton of tschotskes.
There’s a Sandra Lee drinking game, for heaven’s sake. Have a look at Sandra’s alcohol-drenched Christmas tree. From scooping out pre-made pumpkin pies to pouring 90% of a bottle of vodka in a pitcher and splashing it with a tablespoon of Sprite. If you really feel like working out your abs, find Heather Osborn and ask her about Sandra Lee. Lee is hilarious and horrific: hilarious because it cannot possibly be real - and horrific because, oh, yes, it is.
Marta Acosta has offered up three ARCs of her new book Bride of Casa Dracula for Bitchery readers - and all we want is your best or worst wedding memory. Easy, right? Doesn’t even have to be your own wedding. Could be someone else’s.
For example, I know a certain Smart Bitch who was once a bridesmaid, and the dress was a certain shade that turned that Smart Bitch a very greenish shade of green, without the added enjoyment of nausea. To add fun to frolic, said Smart Bitch was the lone short dark haired attendant among a sea of tall, lithe, blonde, and tanned Southern bridesmaids. Oh, it was lovely. I mean, compared to some dresses out there, she got lucky, but still. Oy.
Marta says, “I actually don’t have a worst wedding memory. City Hall ceremony, small gathering at my parents’ house, margaritas and Mexican food. Okay, except that my husband and I woke up the next morning and we both said, ‘What the hell have we done!’”
Now, my very favorite worst wedding story, one that I reread for added laughs when I’m having a hard day, is the Titanic wedding dress story from Etiquette Hell. Enjoy - but do not feel like your comment has to be that long!
I’ve often said that people do two things at weddings: they get married or they get offended. I usually try to make sure I’m not in the latter group, since I’ve already participated in the former. So what’s your best or worst wedding memory? Share! Your comment enters you in a chance to win an ARC - you have 24 hours, and Marta will pick the winner. Ready, set, go!
During RWA, we had a contest running for an ARC of Marta Acosta’s new book, Bride of Casa Dracula. Then entries in the contest are so damn funny I was wheezing in the hallways as I read them. I’m sure someone thought I had a rather odd repiratory disorder, because I’d be snorting at my phone and giggling.
Marta emailed me with the winners, and asked me to convey the following:
There were so many incredible stories for this contest that I’ve had a really difficult time picking my favorites—and a really fun time reading them aloud to my husband.
The first winner is Emmy for her tragic tale of a marriage that was disastrous from the beginning (husband bailing on wedding night) to it’s ultimate conclusion (pregnant secretary).
The second place is Joanna and the Halloween wedding. I was laughing so hard I couldn’t finish reading aloud.
The third book goes to Elizabeth Wadsworth for a wedding story that proves that love, sense, and happiness are not mutually exclusive.
And I’ve got an ARC without the title page, so that goes to Miah, for enduring “gaslighting” by a psychotic mother-in-law/seamstress, a theme which comes up in The Bride of Casa Dracula.
Honorable mentions: WryHag for bravely wading into cold water to save beer. JennK for “cheese log rolled in corn flakes.” Cellan for “macaroni cross.” Fall from Grace for using “butt wiggle” and “toilet water” together.” JoyKenn for sitting on her wedding cake. Meagan who suffered for love. Booklight for a dark and dramatic tale of conspiracy and corruption. Marsha for giving us a moment of loveliness and grace. Jackie for playing air guitar at her reception. Malin and her “shoes make the bridesmaid” tale of terror. Amanda G. and her patchwork wedding dress. The Rotund for “blue and white satin Civil War recreation gowns.” Amelia for the camouflage wedding gear.” Staple for two left shoes. Sarah Frantz for her Shakespearean tale of familial sabotage. Jennifer Armintrout for her story of the demon bitch in mourning. Collette for sounding the battle cry of the bride: ““I’m the fucking bride asshole. I’ll park wherever the fuck I want.”
Thanks to everyone for the wonderful stories! Please visit my blog next week for some book giveaways.
If you’re a winner (yay!) you can , and I’ll pass them along to Marta. Thanks for playing, y’all.
Cheyenne McCray used a highly scientific method for picking her winners for the Cast a Spell, Win a Book Contest: Sleepy child random number generating.
“I have my youngest son pick numbers in the range of total entries. This time he was half asleep, but I managed to pry the winning numbers out of him. Those numbers translated into the following 13 winners!
I really enjoyed reading along through all the entries. I’m one of those that wants to say “all of the above!” But if I have to choose one, I’ll stick with a spell for a clean house which includes wiping off whatever’s on my youngest son’s face from what he’s just eaten.
Thanks so much for finding homes for these ARCs of Dark Magic!”
The winners are:
A website that reviews romance novels from a couple of smart bitches who will always give it to you straight. No bullshit. No gushing--unless the author really deserves it. To find out more, read all about us or check out our minty-fresh and funkadelic FAQ section.
pharmacy; florinef kopa; kopa cytotec; l-arginine; flagyl er sverige; msm uk; buy mestinon; compra atarax; buy synaral; dramamine pa natet; online kamasutra ribbed condoms; cheap methox-400; buy testo-rex;…
“I’d like to thank the academy....”
THANKS, SBTB GALS!! Honestly, that was such an obvious answer to me that I kept scrolling through the other replies to see if someone else had said it! LOL!
;-)…
As a sidepoint on the Harry Potter comparisan, they are oddly similar in their relationships, in the sense that at the end the relationships weren’t healthy. Potter’s was based on hero warship from Weasley, and you can almost say the…
I don’t see why it has to be either “bizarre” or “the future of the industry.” No more than that “cathy’s book” experiment was. It’s a fun experiment. I’m intrigued, but then again, I love those alternate reality games, and…
This is a two-part Semi-Homemade improvement. Dump two cans of Manwich on your angel-food cake plot. First, always have a threesome, or a manwich, wherein the heroine gets smushed between two men. It doesn’t matter who the other dude is. He might be an ancillary character. He might be some guy who is glued to the wall in a priapic state who exists merely for the manwich purposes. He might not be a he—he might be a pole in the ground. Doesn’t matter. Not only does the heroine need to take it in the two-hole for it to cross the border into erotic romance, she needs a double-stuffing for that erotic romance to float the boats of today’s discerning crowd.
Your Brand-name Manwich angel food cake erotic romance plot needs scent. All these alpha predatory male heroes, man, are sniffing up her skirt, scenting her essence, and generally remarking on the whiff eau heroine, man. This is particularly true for paranormals, because it’s not an erotic paranormal romance unless the animal-esque hero ruminates upon the smell of her arousal at least three or four times. Get it? He’s part-animal, that sexy man-beast, and his sense of smell is fourteen thousand times more sensitive than everyone else’s, and so you have no secrets every time you’re hot to trot. There’s nothing more erotic than being turned on and having the dude who turned you on inform you that he could tell each and every time you were turned on in the past four years since you moved into the apartment next door, and what is it about QVC that gets your love honey flowing, anyway? Is it the Quacker Factory?
After you’ve covered your angel food cake plot with Manwich, threesomes, some additional scent, and enough name brand references to choke a shopaholic, there’s just one more thing you need to make a Semi-Homemade Erotic Romance: “baby.”
