Smart Bitches Trashy Books | All of the romance, none of the bullshit.

While doing some ad design, the cover for Kalen Hughes’ upcoming Georgian romance, Lord Scandal caught my eye. Why?  Take a look.

Ladies and gentlemen, that is chest hair. On a romance cover?! Holy cow! I’m, like, transfixed by the crisp hair, or whatever else it’s called in your Standard Historical Love Scene. WOW. After so many years of waxed chests, it takes a bit of natural hair to bring me to a complete stop. Ha! 

This week: costume drama, as in ‘How much drama do costume portrayals like these cause among those who, you know, do research?’

Sarah: Between the ruffles and the puffy sleeves and the vest, I had to giggle. The ice dancing puff-shouldered heroine was worth a snort, too. But the incredibly bendy legs of the horse? Oh, holy shit.

Candy: Miss Manners on graceful abduction-on-horseback etiquette: “Gentle abductee: The new rage when being pulled off your feet by frilly-shirted men on horseback is to struggle for freedom, but it seems to Miss Manners that this new development lacks a certain couthness and grace. Try arching your back to present a flattering profile, and remember to keep that pinkie up. Packing your own fan to ensure your tresses stream behind you is, however, gauche at best, and implies that your abductor does not know his job. In this particular instance, Miss Manners would like to gently remind you that natural is best.”

Sarah: Nobody forgets the nude dude at the garden party, that’s for sure.

Candy: Titles that were briefly contemplated for this cover before being discarded:

“The Nudist and the Drag Queen”

“Is That Really a Third Nipple?”

“Still Life with Schlong and Potted Geranium”

“For the Love of a Dead-Faced Hooker”

Sarah: Nothing but NOTHING says “Scottish” like slops. And purple hose. In the ocean.

Candy: What the fuck are those black smudges on his chest? Are they supposed to be chest hair? I mean, I have full sympathy for artists trying to depict chest hair without making it look smudgy, but seriously: the bits on his sternum look like grease paint. The better to accentuate his top-notch man-titty?

Got plans today? Kathryn gave me a heads up (or something) that today is Go Topless’s protest day around the US, where women will gather without shirts to protest the ridiculous standards which make it socially acceptable for men to go topless, but not women. The New York City gathering place is the Merchant’s Gate of Central Park, aka the Columbus Circle entrance across from the Time Warner center. Other cities hosting topless rallies include Bloomington, Chicago, Miami and Omaha. The Denver rally will be on the 26th to coincide with the start of the DNC (Welcome to Denver! Here are our boobs!)

I think this is just awesome, but I have one word of caution: women, please, trust me on this. Wear sunscreen. Especially on your nipples. I recommend SPF 45+ lip balm as a sunscreen for your nipples. It tends to stay on longer.

Happy topless day! Hope someone breastfeeds while this is going on because that would just underscore the awesome. 

Jane from Dear Author forwarded us a cover image that’s so spectacular, we had to share it. And challenge you to caption it with the appropriate sound effect.

Jane: Doesn’t it look like she is squishing his 6 pack together and the muscles are going to burst out through the skin like some pus from a pimple?

Candy: FWARGH! I physically flinched when that cover loaded.

The coy way her fingers baaaarely cover his manly nipples is hilarious. And her fingers are causing the surrounding titty to WRINKLE. Are her fingers the equivalent of super sour candy FOR NIPPLES?

Sarah: Awful, isn’t it? Like he has saline implants and she’s massaging them.

Do you think his man titty sounds like that squelch when you jump on a waterbed?

And behold, a Smart Bitch Contest is born! Caption that Cover—Onomatopoeia Edition: What is the sound made my his man titty when squished by her stubby little fingers? Feel free to weigh in with whatever caption you like, LOLs or otherwise, but we’re looking for sound effects, folks.

Winner as judged by Jane, Candy and me will receive a copy of a copy of Manhandling by Karen Anders, and a $20 Gift Certificate to Amazon or Powells (your choice).

Here’s a slightly-fuzzy close up of the wrinkly squish to, you know, inspire you. 

This weekend we are all about cake at my house - someone small and mighty is having a birthday ("OMG HAS IT BEEN A YEAR WTF UNDERNEATH THAT ALSO BBQ” is what the cake should say but alas, cooler heads prevailed). Too bad this cake isn’t available in13 more years, because everyone knows, the traditional 14th birthday is the Man Titty Birthday.

Or the “unbutton my fly” birthday.

Or the “future Ellora’s Cave cover” birthday.

Thanks to the many many readers who forwarded me a link to this majestic bit of fabric. Were I a more crafty sort, that would be ALL OVER my house, my bod, and possibly my car. Definitely the dog, too. (Poor Logan). Because really, the only way to celebrate that much bad taste in one place is to absolutely revel in it. Hilarity is only more hilarious when applied with a trowel, no?

Speaking of trowel, the host of that thar blog, Crazy Aunt Purl, also wrote a book last year about being divorced, covered in cat hair, and shamelessly addicted to knitting. My kind of gal. Go on with your bad self, Ms. Purl. I dare you to knit yourself a buxom fireman.