Smart Bitches Trashy Books | All of the romance, none of the bullshit.

The Smart Bitch Book needs a Smart Bitch Book Videomo*. And who better to make us wet our pants with laughter than the collective brilliance of The Bitchery?

*You’re probably asking yourself, “Self, what the fuck is a videomo?” Well, the answer, Self, is that it’s a pastiche of “video” and “promo.” Why not use the words Book + Trailer? Because “book trailer” is trademarked to Sheila Clover English, CEO of Circle of Seven Productions. So, Videomo it is. Sounds like Tony Romo, only not so much a Dallas Cowboy. And we doubt that any promo videos will date Jessica Simpson, though one never knows.

This is probably one of the bigger contests we’ve run, so get ready for a lot of explanation. The nutshell: you make a promo video about our book, upload it to YouTube and alert us to its presence. We collect all the entries on our channel, and showcase as many of them as possible as part of our Friday Video collections. A panel of Extremely Erudite, Intelligent, and Awesome people will select the winner, and the winner gets a holy shit huge prize package.

What’s a holy shit huge prize package? Behold:

Friday Videos don’t have any comments on David Caruso except to say, “This is HILARIOUS.”

Don’t forget - the Smart Bitch Videomo Contest entries are due on 1 January 2009.

So far, there’s one entry. One lonely entry. Shiloh Walker has it in the bag unless we get some more participants. Hope your video craftiness is inspired! I mean, seriously, how could you turn down your chance at the people’s ovation and fame forever? Or, barring that, a Kindle?

So, what book was this buffet of romance based on? Or, better, how many books?! Total and epic win to the folks at Fandom lounge who said, “OMG WTF MUST SEND TO Smart Bitches.” HA! WIN!

Thanks to InnocentSmith, who also sent me the much higher-res link should you wish to see the high quality version.

You really should watch the high-res version to appreciate what lyrangalia wrote:  “I feel like I need an explanation as to why the entire Romance aisle of the bookstore just came alive and [tried] to eat me.”

She also suggests a drinking game “where you take a shot every time a romance novel cover is recreated.” If I did that, I’d be comatose. 

You know, for a holiday during a repressive, recessive economy, we have some incredible gift options. From SBTB Swag to log underpants, your options are long, strong, and mighty.

But really, personalization is IT. Like, your own customized, personalized David Hasselhoff poster.

So, with great thanks to Harmony, I provide you with: the Hofftastic Holiday Contest. Craft your personal Hoff message where in the Hoff sends holiday Hoff greetings to the internet. Why the internet? Because the internet is the hot, teeming wellspring of his powerful celebrity. You can craft it to his HoffSpace fans, the YouTube folks who make sure his videos never, ever die, or the individual who Photoshopped on his 5 o’clock shadow with waterproof makeup. Whatever - go wild.

Take a screen cap of your poster, and place or link to it in the comments for our enjoyment. Make sure to put the caption beneath, in the event that we can’t read The Hoff’s masterfully enigmatic handwriting. You have until 6pm PST Sunday 14 December - then I’ll pick the top three for some sweet prizes from the Smart Bitch Treasure Chest (hidden at the end of the happy trail, obviously).

To get you started, here’s Harmony’s effort, sent to me when she sent the link. She sets the bar high, I think.

I think the word “looms” is hilarious for some reason. Deadlines definitely loom over me. They’re creepy like someone standing way too much in my personal space. But enough about me and my personal space issues: Videomo Contest Entries are due 1 January by midnight EST.

If you’ve made a Videomo and it’s not among the ones listed on our YouTube channel please please please asap so I can make sure to catch it and add it to our lineup.

Remember - winner gets Teh Kindle and a heaping pile of the people’s ovation and fame forever. Good luck!

Last call for Videomo entries! I’m still going through my email - but all entries must be posted to YouTube AND I must be alerted to their presence by midnight EST tonight TOMORROW. Jan 1.

Jesus. I haven’t even started drinking yet. Sorry y’all.

Happy new year and happy video editing!

I’m taking the day off away from Ye Olde Laptop of Wonderment, but here are some things to look forward to here at the Pink Palace of Man-Titty:

2009 brings: The Smart Bitch Book and hella piles of promotion and giveaways. Seriously, could there be a better publishing market than right this minute? I mean sheesh! This is going to be cake!

And by “cake” I mean, next up, Candy and I will be baking a 15’ tall cake and jumping out of the middle naked wearing clown wigs and She-Ra breastplates. We’ll let you know when it’s scheduled and whether we need more eggs and sugar.

2009 will also bring: The Return of the Turtle! DocTurtle, specifically, who is so enchanted by the Power of the Bitchery and the allure of the romance that he’s asked to keep reading and reviewing as he learns the ins and outs of the genre. Next up: a book mentioned often as a title best suited for Sir Turtle. I’ll also be interviewing him so you can become better acquainted with his mathematical awesomeness.

And as always we’ll have snark and sparking wit, reviews and recommendations, videos and advice (or assvice, depending on whether you agree with me), and general merriment.

We at Smart Bitch HQ wish you and yours a very happy New Year. To romance! 

This guy loves titties and he wants to tell you allllll about it.

YouTube allows me to add the same video more than once to a playlist. That is LAME.

But I’ve gone through and added as many as I could find to our playlist at our YouTube channel. If you don’t see yours on our playlist, email me please.

Thank you to all the entrants. Srsly. I’m blown away by the creativity and the effort and time you put into the competition. Thank you from the craggy bottoms of our bitchy hearts.

I’m going to be featuring a few Videomos each Friday as a bonus to Friday Videos. You can vote for your faves using the YouTube star rating feature, but the week before the winners are announced on 14 February, I’ll be hosting a vote here so you can pick your fave. Readership vote will count in the final tally as our judging panel determines the winners.

And, since the competition is fierce, enjoy this photo from contestant Victoria, who is not fooling around with this Videomo business.