Smart Bitches Trashy Books | All of the romance, none of the bullshit.

So Candy and I got an email from a concerned reader regarding one of the covers we laid some snark on. Seems the author in question not only wrote the book, but also designed the cover. The concerned reader is also a friend of said author, and begged us to take it down before the author saw our comments and her work held up for ridicule.

Candy and I, to quote Candy, were nonplussed. On one hand, are we mean nasty people in real life? Shit no. We’re pretty snarky but we’re not going to kick your dog. We love dogs. And cats. We spend hours making our animals’ food, for crying out loud.

That said, do we want to take the review down? We’re a review site. As Candy pointed out, it’s a dangerous precedent - if we make someone mad with a review, if Emma Holly gets mad at me for saying I didn’t like “The Demons Daughter” and demands I take down the review, are we going to be able to do that? No. As Candy wrote to me, we’re not assessing effort here, we’re assessing aesthetics.

Now the reviews are our opinion; the covers we just find on Google images and say, “Whoa, damn hell.” However, we also know that the covers are (usually) the product of an art department and a marketing department’s thought of what readers want - and we’re happy to point out examples that show that the marketing surveys kind of missed the whole point of what readers want to see and be seen with. (Man titty comes to mind.)

But in the end, our point was to create a site where we could address romance as a genre worthy of individual review and critique, and have the room to say, “How the hell did that reach publication?” As Candy said, “This is not grade school. We are not obliged to play nice or hold hands and say ‘Good job!’”

I do sometimes think, when I write in response to a book I’ve finished, how harsh can I be in a review? I mean, this is someone’s work, and while I would like to point out flaws, I do worry that sometimes my over-reaching harshness will hurt someone’s feelings. *I* sure didn’t stay up until 4am writing the book, so is it really ok for me to use the words “Sucked Donkey Cock” in a review? For that reason, because I know how hard it is to write a novel, I do point out the favorable items and discuss salient points of solid writing or development. And people who have requested our reviews have thanked us for the balanced critique, saying it will make them better writers.

So in the interest of making a “better website,” we’re asking you: take the offending entry down? Or leave it there, and perhaps the author will find our site and be upset? What’s your opinion? 

Via Booksquare comes this delicious tidbit from Grumpy Old Bookman about the (British) Romance Novelists’ Association just beating the everloving snot out of the other team (composed of staff members of Wisden, a cricket almanac) during a general knowledge quiz show.

Romance novelists are smart people. Whodathunk? Next thing you know, people will start thinking that romance novel readers don’t need to move their lips to sound out the hard words when they read.

One of the quiz show participants on the RNA team, Stephen Bowden, has a very, very amusing blog.

I am a writer of historical fiction, as yet unpublished but that will change. I am currently working on a Romantic Regency Romp, James Bond meets Georgette Heyer, complete with fireworks and at least one elephant. If I had a good title for it I would tell you, but for the time being the file name is just “Regency”.

At least one elephant? Baby, I’m THERE. Crossing fingers and hoping this guy will get a juicy contract.

Anything that makes people read more makes me happy. Therefore, the Harry Potter phenomenon makes me happy. People are really, really excited! About a book! How fucking cool is that?

But man, I wish people would go nuts over a better book.

Oh yes, that’s right. I think Harry Potter is vastly overrated. The premise is all right, but based on what I read (all of the first book, half of the second) the writing was pedestrian at best, boring at worst, and rife with cliches.  Someone I knew wrote this very interesting post about the magic system and pinpointed something else that was bothering me:

Anyway, maybe I’m being picky, but [Candy] is certainly right, the writing is nothing to write home about. But most of all the MAGIC is rather silly.

I’m not even quite sure what I mean by that - but the magic seems kind of spoofy and farcical in nature like - oh, I’m going to go take Magic Charms 101. And then Hagrid is going to move the plot along by doing something stupid. And then I’m going to fly around on a magic broom. And wear an invisibility cloak. Forgive me if I didn’t get past the first book.

And then there’s the division of the kids into 4 types of people: the heroes, the villains, the clumsy idiots, and the smartypants. That irks to no end.

I feel like you can tell a lot about a book or author by the way they use magic. The magic in worlds like Ursula LeGuin’s Earthsea (she should be added to the list by the way) or Tolkien’s Middle Earth is much more part of the fabric of the world, much more natural. C.S. Lewis’ magic is based in Christianity - I think. Diane Duane’s books are much more comparable to Rowling’s world, because they are also set in the “real” world, and the magic there is based on the idea that wizards are fighting against the forces of entropy. And Rowling’s magic is...like I said… silly.

Here are some magical children’s books that I’ve read and loved--books that, in my opinion, are Better than Potter:

• The Sword in the Stone by T.H. White (I made my husband read this a couple of years ago and he e-mailed me at work, essentially saying “Holy shit! Best. Book. Evar.")
• Alice in Wonderland by Lewis Carroll
• Any of the books in the Chronicles of Narnia by C.S. Lewis
• Peter Pan by J.M. Barrie
• The Neverending Story by Michael Ende
• The Phantom Tollbooth by Norton Juster
• Bedknob and Broomstick by Mary Norton
• Five Children and It, The Phoenix and the Carpet and The Story of the Amulet by E. Nesbit (really, ANYTHING by E. Nesbit is brilliant)
• The Darkangel trilogy by Meredith Ann Pierce (The Darkangel, A Gathering of Gargoyles and The Pearl of the Soul of the World
• Redwall by Brian Jacques (the first book is astonishingly good, but the rest of the series is crrrrrap)
• Anything from the Wizard of Oz series by L. Frank Baum.
• The Hobbit by J.R.R. Tolkien (The Lord of the Rings trilogy is a series that I think is somewhat overrated--a lot of the dialogue and ALL of the poetry/songs have literally made me gag, they’re so stilted and awful, though I admit nobody can beat Tolkien when it comes to world-building, and I acknowledge that Tolkien is largely responsible for creating the modern fantasy genre as we know it)
• Anything by Philip Pullman--I have the His Dark Materials trilogy in my TBR stacks, and I’ve heard many, many good things about them, and unlike Harry Potter, I have no doubt that these books will live up to their hype

Feel free to fire away in the comments and tell me what a shitful freak I am. Or if, like me, you’re a fellow children’s book/YA novel reader who just is not impressed with Harry Potter, feel free to speak up in solidarity. Feel free to recommend your favorite children’s books, too--yes, even if they’re Harry Potter novels.

Sarah: Fallen from Grace? More like, Fallen from a great height and is now a member of the walking dead. Perhaps a basic anatomy drawing course might be in order for that artist. Yeesh. And is it me, or is his head an entirely different color than his undead body?

Candy: I can just imagine the conversation pitching this cover: “So I’ll smoke a bunch of crack, see? And then I’ll, like, watch Fight Club over and over until my eyeballs explode, see? Then I’ll, like, sketch Brad Pitt from memory, only to make it less obvious that I’m painting Brad Pitt I’ll make him look like a zombie, see? Then I’ll smoke some MORE crack, and finish the painting. What do you say?”

Sarah: “Look what my next-door neighbor’s son drew in 7th grade art! Isn’t it perfect for our next book cover?!”

One should wonder about the kid next door’s interest in cross-eyed, no-necked Dark Lords sporting absolutely monstrous man-boobies. I imagine this Dark Lord has a voice like Eric Cartman and is screaming at the reader not to laugh at him, or he will throw his light-up purple fart at you.

Candy: I am so incredibly creeped-out by this cover because the character’s face looks eerily childish but his body is way, way overdeveloped, kinda like one of those child bodybuilders (e.g. Richard Sandrak). Was the artist a member of NAMBLA?

The uneven brush strokes also make the muscles appear lumpy and stringy. Brrrrr.

Sarah: Tall Dark and Diaphanous. Just how I like my heroes. With no real substance to them. Also, I like it when their cowboy hats look like fedoras with penises growing out the side. Whoo! Sexy!

Candy: You know you’re having a bad day when you can’t even draw a fucking silhouette right.

Goddamn. WHAT IS UP WITH THAT HAT?

Just got back from Powell’s Books. The intention was to hang out with my friends and buy The Demon’s Daughter and ONLY The Demon’s Daughter, but instead I came home with the following:

Olympos by Dan Simmons. Hey, I already have Ilium, and I was waiting until Olympos was released to begin reading. I’m itching, just itching to start these books. WHEEE! I wonder if Dan Simmons came to town for a reading/signing? I’ll be pissed off if he did and I missed him. Seriously, he’s one of the most entertaining authors I’ve ever encountered. Him and Dan Savage.

The Heart of Darkness by Joseph Conrad. It was on sale! $3.98! And I’ve been meaning to read this book for ages. I TOTALLY had to snag it.

Self-Editing for Fiction Writers by Renni Brown and Dave King. Another sale book. Only $6.98! And trust me, I need allllll the help I can get with fiction writing, and this book looked interesting, accessible and practical.

These Old Shades by Georgette Heyer. OK, there’s no excuse for this one. I remembered somebody mentioning how hot the Duke of Avon was in one of our discussions about romance novel heroes, so I cracked open the book and read the first five pages. I should’ve known better. There was no way I was going to leave the book on the shelf after doing that.

The Demon’s Daughter by Emma Holly. Hey, it was the book I set out to buy.

I also bought a shitload of Brodart Mylar dustjacket protectors. Oh yeah, I’m one of those freaks. Gotta keep those books lookin’ pristine, bitches.

So c’mon, help me feel better. What unexpected splurges have you indulged in lately?