Smart Bitches Trashy Books | All of the romance, none of the bullshit.

In our discussion of the RITA nominations, many a Bitchery member remarked on the lack of award category for erotica, and the difficulty of creating such an award that accurately judges erotica, romantica, and the genre as a whole.

Perhaps that difficulty might come as much from RWA’s documented hesitancy to welcome erotica alonside its other genres, but it is certainly a difficult category to judge against the traditional structure of romance - as erotica does its best to bust through established traditions.

That said, a few suggested that the entire process of nomination and submission was a challenge, and that the RITA categories yielded a mix of disparate genres under one heading.

So, we figured, we should certainly stick OUR noses into the awards arena. So we hereby create The Most Important Writing Award Ever: the Smart Bitch Book Awards, henceforth known as The BWAHA: The Bitchery Writing Award for Hellagood Authors.

Here’s the deal: we’ll accept nominations in the following categories, and the top 5 nominated books in each category will make the finals.

Finalists will be voted on by the Bitchery, with winners announced with great fanfare (think ManTitty. Lots of ManTitty.) and we’ll give out fabulous three-dimensional prizes possessing of actual matter. Or gift certificates. Or both!

Nominations will be accepted until Tuesday, April 4, 2006.

Books eligible for nomination must have a publication date of 2005.

Finalists will be announced that week, and voting on the finalists will be open for a one week period. 

One set of nominations per person, and one vote per person.

This will be an annual event, a writer/reader nominated and writer/reader voted award, and we expect The BWAHA will be THE award to brag about.

Please, send your nominations to and by Tuesday, April 4.

And now, on to the categories!

Care to buy some fine artwork and support our favorite cause, the continued smackage of Bill Napoli?

Check out this fine auction: a hand-drawn print of a viral cartoon by McMillan in response to Bill Napoli’s abortion legislation in South Dakota.

To quote the artist’s description from her eBay listing:

I will donate 100% of the winning bid, after I receive it, to two places, half of the amount going to each:

1) Planned Parenthood of Minnesota, North Dakota, South Dakota, and

2) The Oglala Sioux Tribe at Pine Ridge, South Dakota. Their President, Cecilia Fire Thunder, has spoken of an intention to build a women’s reproductive health clinic on tribal land.

Current high bid is $192.50. Care to raise the ante? Or just laugh at the cartoon? Or give the artist some more linkage? Either way - good on her for her efforts to respond creatively to this absolute pimpsmack to women’s rights.

If you are Leigh Greenwood, you are one lucky man/woman. Because oh, holy night, you got yourself some fine DeSalvo covers for your “The Cowboys” series. From Greenwood’s website:

The freedom of the range, the bawling of the longhorns, the lonesome night watch beneath a vast, starry sky - they got into a man’s blood until he knew there was nothing better than the life of a cowboy...except the love of a good woman.

This series tells the stories of nearly a dozen orphans who’re adopted by Jake and Isabelle Maxwell and grow up on their cattle ranch in the Texas Hill Country.

So as the longhorns bawl (perhaps due to the purple prose?) you find a bunch of orphans, who, judging from the covers, miraculously all look alike (except for Sean, who wants you to pull his finger). That is some serious scientific mystery right there, folks. I’m amazed that A&E hasn’t done a heavily-promoted special on the identical orphans. They’re all desalvolicious in their own special way.

Sarah: The mullet. The manly firearm held erect from his manly crotch. And of course, the mantitty. Buck is a master of manly manliness. And he only likes women with mullets and salmon colored dresses. Sorry, ladies.

Candy: He only likes women with mullets? The hell you say. I swear to God that’s an Adam’s apple I see peeking ‘midst yon flame-colored mullet tresses.

Sorry, ladies, indeed.

Sarah: Identical faces… all sporting mullets. Chet, of course, is blonde.

Now, here’s my problem with this cover. There is only one Chet. This is Chet.

And also, this is Chet. That dude with the hat? Not Chet.

Candy: Man, that little inset looks like the lead-up to the following joke:

What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?

Nothing, you already told the bitch twice.

I’m just saying he looks like he’s about ready to tell the little lady the first time.

Sarah: Nice waxed chest, there, Luke. It’s good that you keep up with your brother’s love of the mullet, but I think you’re really interested in brotherly love of a different sort, hmmm? Those daisies, they mean something, don’t they.

Candy: Much as it pains me to say it, if Viggo Mortensen decided to undergo laser hair removal and pectoral implant surgery while dressed in Hidalgo drag, he might look like this incarnation of DeSalvo.

Sarah: Matt, not only do you have Luke’s shaved chest and Chet’s mullet, but you have a decided love of hair product, too. Your horse, his hair is everywhere. But yours? Moves not an inch. So manly.

Now turn the horse around so Candy and I can check for a glittery rainbow sticker on your horse’s rump.

Candy: “Hold on, I don’t want this pomade. I want Dapper Dan.”

“I don’t carry Dapper Dan, I carry Fop.”

“Well, I don’t want Fop, goddamn it! I’m a Dapper Dan man!”

Sarah: Poor guy. No mullet, his shirt appears to be buttoned, and he’s somewhat normal looking. And his gun, it is not held in an erect posture. For all these sins and more, he gets a backseat to some chick with a bad wig and a skirt that is so short, she wil have breathtaking thigh chafing within the hour. He is way in the distance, and his hopes of gettin’ some from Drew? Distant as well.

Candy: I agree that his chances of scoring with Drew are slim to none, but I’m not sure the fella minds. Something tells me he has a gallon tub of Dapper Dan in his saddlebags and he’s off to meet a man with a strong hankering for it--and not just for his hair, if you know what I mean and I think you do.

Several alert Bitchery readers sent us a link to this Oral-B (snort) “A Brush with Romance” contest featuring a DATE with his mantitty himself, Fabio.

Plus, you get $750 of spending money for your date in LA.

As Sarah F. pointed out, $750 ain’t going to go far in LA, and wouldn’t go much farther in NYC, but I don’t think the cash is the attraction, here.

In order to get the details, I have to register, and read their rules and regulations, but they cushion the effort by teasing me, “But Fabio’s worth it, isn’t he?”

I don’t know, is he?

And gee, once I register I can create my own romance novel staring A. Martinez, Tia Carrere, or Fabio. Or I can continue my sweet, sensitive journey. Have I mentioned this ectasy is all being brought to me by a toothbrush? I cross my legs at the thought.

Oh, Jesus Flapjack, once I get through the animation and pick my “hero,” my choices of story are “Sensitive Stranger,” or “Fate’s Forest of Feeling.”

Should I make you each register for this… romance? Or shall I spoil it for you with horrified glee?

Pardon me please please if you lurk here and are nominated and I don’t know that you’re visiting, but I wanted to wish congratulations to SBTB Bitchery Readers and SBTB reviewed authors for their 2006 RITA nominations:

Stephanie Feagan, nominated for Best First Book: Show Her The Money.

Lani Diane Rich, nominated for [Best] Novel with Strong Romantic Elements: Ex and the Single Girl

Lisa Kleypas, who might not read this site but Candy and I dig her anyway, for Best Short Historical Romance: It Happened One Autumn

As I said, if you read and are nominated but I don’t know of your readership, please delurk and we’ll give you some mad props. And, above all, discuss, folks: what do you think of the Rita noms this year?