Smart Bitches Trashy Books | All of the romance, none of the bullshit.

Note: today’s cover snark isn’t entirely work safe, unless you work in an office where you create CG man-titty book covers. So read below at your own risk!

Above and beyond the Hell that is moving, please note that the following has happened to Candy in the span of the last 12 hours:

- While installing her DSL modem last night, she found that not only would the DSL modem NOT connect to the Internet, but the phone line somehow got thoroughly fucked over in the process. I’m pretty computer savvy, and I didn’t do anything exotic. Plugged one end of the cord provided into the modem, plugged the other into the phone jack, and BLAMMO, instead fuck-up.

The technician will be over some time “between 1 and 5 p.m.,” or so they say. It’s kinda cool that I get to cut out of work early, but man, I’d much rather that the DSL had just WORKED, y’know?

- This morning, on my way to work, I slowed down because it was a) pitch-black, b) slippery, and c) I didn’t want to miss the intersection I needed. As a I slowed down, I heard the sound of screeching brakes, and just as I looked into the rearview mirror, BAM, someone ran into me.

The person immediately turned his lights off, which I thought was strange, but I was pretty shaken up and my thoughts were scattered. Anyway, I turned my blinker on, pulled off to the side of the road and waited.

And the car cruised on by, lights still off.

By the time I got back on the road, I couldn’t tell which car had hit me. Because it had been so dark, and because the shit-ass motherfucker had turned his lights off SO FAST, I can’t even tell you what make or model the car was, much less its license number.

(Which makes the following comment from the police so much funnier: “Why did you wait so long to call? Now we’ll never catch the driver.” DUDE. I didn’t even know what color the goddamn car was!)

Luckily, the bumper suffered only a few dings.

Unluckily, I’m anal-retentive about keeping the car in perfect condition. It’s my first new car, damn it! *breaks down sobbing* So after the DSL technician comes over, I’m driving over to the dealership to see how much it’ll cost to fix the damage.

Pray that the reaming will go gently, my pretties. Oh, and while you’re at it, feel free to wish evil, evil things on the turdburgling dickheaded cuntmonkey who ran into me.

God knows I am.

But! One bright spot in my day so far: my Amazon.com package arrived, and I now have in my sweaty little mitts the new Franz Ferdinand album (I saw them on Monday night and holy crap they were good and HOT DAMN I want to lick Alex Kapranos). Also, Lisa Kleypas’s latest.

I don’t know what it is about Lisa Kleypas books, but I have to read them immediately after I get them. Even shitty Kleypas books (and she’s written a few groaners) are finished instead of tossed to the wayside.

So yay, new music, and yay, new book to read. Good thing, too, because God knows what my Internet connection will be like all weekend. 

Congratulations, Vicki, for correctly guessing the answer for today’s personal ad contest. Who says procrastination doesn’t pay?

Kneel, Vicki, and rise as:

You should know the drill by now: Give us the title, author and heroine’s name (DON’T FORGET THAT LAST BIT OR YOU’LL CRY AND CRY BECAUSE NO HEROINE’S NAME = NO WIN) and you shall find yourselves the proud owners of a custom-made Smart Bitch title. Yay!

I will kick danger IN THE ASS
SWF, code-breaker, ass-kicker extraordinaire, seeking hot guy to have hot sex with. Commitment not needed or wanted. Don’t fuck with me. I’ll totally kidnap your ass and hold a gun to your head if I have to.

I’m finally catching up on my blog rounds after five days of little to no Internet access, and saw that I’d been tagged by Nicole.

Hear Ye, Hear Ye! Herein Be The Rules For Yon Meme!

*fanfare by pretty boys in tights and those tunics with the long, fluttery sleeves*

1. Delve into your blog archive.

2. Find your 23rd post (or closest to).

3. Find the fifth sentence (or closest to).

4. Post the text of the sentence in your blog along with these instructions. Ponder it for meaning, subtext or hidden agendas…

5. Tag five people to do the same.

OK, this is a bit tricky. The first 10 posts to this blog are closed entries as Sarah and I futzed around with the template and the inner workings of ExpressionEngine.

(One of the closed entries does contain a bit I’m particularly proud to have written; to wit: “On your knees, foolish mortals! I am the mysterious sloe-eyed Chinkie in the top left corner, and I have powers beyond your ken!")

(No, I won’t give the context to that. It’s funnier that way. Go ahead and guess what I was talking about, if you’re so inclined.)

Anyway, I’ll do the 23rd and 33rd entries, just because I’m feeling loquacious today.

The fifth sentence for Entry Number 23 (ignoring the bulleted list) is: “Hey Sarah, are you having a romance novel day?”

This was back when most of the people visiting this site were looking for trashy and/or Dominican bitches. That entry was my sad, sad attempt to drop Google a big old hint as to what our site was about. I guess that would qualify as a hidden agenda.

Entry Number 33 is a classic: PBW foamed at the mouth about reviewers, and I foamed right back. Big old rabid foam party, that entry. And sentence number 5? Well, it makes me snicker a bit: “And then right around paragraph 8, she starts losing it.”

Hey, it only takes me about 3 sentences before I start losing it. And no hidden agenda or subliminal meaning in that entry that I can see. Subtlety, thy name is not Candy.

As for five people to tag… Hmm.

Doug, Kate, Lilith, Bam and Stephen.