Smart Bitches Trashy Books | All of the romance, none of the bullshit.

My Romancing the Blog column is up - all about the soundtrack of a romance novel.

This is actually a topic that sprang to writing after a weeks-ago conversation between me and Candy: If SBTB had a mix tape, what would be on it?

I know, I’m dating myself there. Now it’s a “mix cd.”

So much good linkage, so little time!

From Beth: Why I’ll Never Confuse A Romance Novel With Real Romance

There is a STUNNING LACK of good-looking pirates who are (a) noblemen in disguise and (b) really tender and sensitive and intelligent and noble, once you get to know them.

NOOOOO! Say it ain’t so!

Beth, why don’t you just stab me in the heart and get it over with?

I want to believe. Dammit. *sob*

My contribution to her list is: There is a similar stunning lack of tycoons (Greek or otherwise) who are willing to drop all business concerns to pursue your non-supermodel ass.

From Candice Proctor: The Romance Genre Blues (this link was courtesy of Robin, one of our regular readers/commenters)

This article makes a lot of good points, and I really want to discuss some of them, but I’m still feeling scattered. Maybe later. I agree with her about a lot of things, but this bit here does bother me a little:

Intrigued by the skyrocketing popularity of a newish fantasy writer, I recently pulled one of her books off the shelf in my local bookstore, opened it at random, and found myself reading a graphic description of three people engaged in a sex sandwich. Nothing I’d read about this author even hinted at the blatant erotica in her books. (And here I thought she was making the Times because she was a good writer!)

Now we all know that kinky sex is a big, big part of why that author’s books are selling so well.

How sure is she that the kinky sex was a major factor in this particular author’s success? If kinky sex is a major factor in determining what sells, then Emma Holly should outsell Nora Roberts, and James Herbert should outsell Stephen King.

But then Proctor’s larger point is that the fantasy author isn’t getting guff for including the sexy sexy in her books the way romance authors are, and this is because the fantasy author isn’t using cheesy barechested covers and sex to market the books, and I agree with that larger point. Mostly. My gut feeling is, it’s even more about production value than simple barechestedness.  Cheesecake is an acceptable marketing ploy; think about Calvin Klein ads, the covers for certain issues of Rolling Stone, movie posters, etc. But there’s tasteful cheesecake, and there’s cheesecake that’s downright rancid. Romance novel covers, unfortunately, tend to steer towards appallingly cheap and tawdry production values, and part of it’s a consequence of the industry (lots of product, small budget). Mind you, I’m not making excuses, because shoddy work is still shoddy work, and there are lots of ways to make a quality product on a shoestring budget. Getting rid of those godawful florid fonts would be a good start....

And from Kate Rothwell: In which I think I figure out it’s really porn

I have loads and loads I want to say about THIS issue, too. Also, I’ve taken a swipe at it before, but me, I can always talk some more about porn. My opinions on this issue are conflicted and conflicting, but what else is new?

Man, I am completely unable to focus on shit today. But I did manage to find some eeeenteresting linkage.

First off: This dude writes some OMGHOT spider porn:

He signaled his interest by thrumming her web. She ran to the other side of the cage. He gave her a bit of space but never let up on the thrumming. Soon enough, he had her in the mood. (...) Then he started to work his pedipalps closer, closer, making small circular motions over her twitching epigynum. (...) One pedipalp found its way home, probing deeper. Deeper still. Then, no slouch he, he came at her with the other pedipalp! “Faster,” she moaned --

Screw the sea cucumber shapechanger erotic romance--I want me some were-tarantula ackshun! Bonus points if the tarantulas have pedipalps so huge, so massive, they’ve been wary about mating for fear of harming the female tarantula’s epigynum.

And just think about what an imaginative author can do with the urticating hairs. RRRROWR!

Hey, anyone else love the word “pedipalp”? Pedipalp pedipalp pedipalp--quick, try saying it five times real fast!

And now for something completely different:

Lilith alerted me to what seems to be a most excellent cause: Books ‘n Blues. Blues. Books. A charitable cause. What more can you ask for?

Last week Candy burst forth with songs of Luuurve ™ about covers she actually liked. This week, it’s my turn.

This is one of my favorite covers ever, which is good because I like the book a helluva lot, too. It’s both ethereal and creepy, attractive and horrifying - a diaphanous woman on the ground in an unnatural position, yet still arranged in a way that is alluring enough to make you take a second look. Amazing design, especially the physical position of the model - at first glance, she’s just reclining but then you see the bent arm and think, “Wait a minute....”

P.C. Cast shall henceforth be known as Seriously Lucky Bitch, because she won the cover lottery somehow. I’ll get to the “Goddess of” series in a minute, but check this out. It’s a centaur woman. She’s half a horse. And she’s still attractive and interesting and how the hell did they do that? She is HALF HORSE and yet she’s strong and feminine. Wow.

Proof #2 that PC Cast has the luck that dare not speak its name. Candy already talked about Goddess of Spring so I’m going to take a gander at this one - and there’s something very specific I like about it, too. Aside from being artistically gorgeous and visually exquisite, I love this cover for a particular reason. The woman in question, she has a BELLY. At least, it looks like she does. And wow, does that every make my pregnant self feel even more goddess-like.

I love Dot Frank’s Lowcountry tales, and Sullivan’s Island is one of my favorites, and, like Bitten, I love it when a cover is attractive enough to match my enjoyment of the contents. It has enough color to avoid being one of those washed-out beach watercolors, and it looks like a still snapshot of a romance and a good story - which it is.

I love this cover for the same reasons as the Dot Frank cover. I personally love the beach, so it’s not hard for me to like any cover that’s ocean-related. But the classic attire, almost Greek or Roman-like, coupled with the gesture that the woman depicted is about to toss off her gown and go swimming is both a romantic and conquering image.

I have tried to read this book a bunch of times, and each time I didn’t enjoy it as much as I enjoyed the cover - so I suppose this is my “Kitchen Witch,” the book I keep coming back to even though I’ve tried to read it before. It’s a lush, evocative cover, and I wish my hair would do that thing that it’s doing on her head on that there cover. The smooth bun without the flying pieces every which way? I might have to try to read this book again, because it’s just too good-looking. My problem, though, is that the cover looks like a contemporary - her dress, that hairstyle - and then I crack it open and it’s...a Tudor?

Holy erotic cover, Batman. WOW. That is one evocative image, and while I’d have to cover that bad boy up on the bus in the morning, whooo damn. That is some erotic, sensual imagery right there. Love the dark hand against the bodice. I’m fanning myself, in fact.

And there you have it - covers I like. I’m a big fan of not seeing people’s faces, it seems, as I like covers that end at the collarbone - the headless cover model doesn’t bother me at all. I’m also a sucker for covers that show people from the back or side, or in masked profile, though I couldn’t recall any specifically that I’d marked mentally as a “love this cover” book.

But mostly, I love artistic, lush covers that aren’t about clinchy sensuality. I’m not a huge fan of the one color covers with a picture of an estate or manor in the distance, either, though, as they seem to be the antithesis of the clinch cover, staid and plain for the sake of being so. I’m always interested to see reissues of older books, like early Julia Quinns that go from wild-haired clinch cover to staid one-shade cover with small watercolor house in the distance around the middle like a belt.

I’m always happy, then, to find covers that are romantic without clinching all over the place, and yet are interesting to look at. 

I just read some excellent news: Laura Kinsale won the Best Long Historical Romance RITA with Shadowheart, and Jennifer Crusie won the Best Contemporary Single Title Romance RITA with Bet Me. YES! *fistpump* This goes a long way towards ameliorating some of the rather puzzling decisions the RITA committee has made in the past. (I mean, c’mon, Worth Any Price was the best Short Historical for 2004? Da hell? Was it an especially lean year for historicals? And I’m big Lisa Kleypas fan, even, the kind who buys her books as soon as they come out and devours them within a day, whether they’re any good or not.)

Anyway, congratulations to Laura Kinsale and Jennifer Crusie. I’m doing the Happy Snoopy Dance.