Smart Bitches Trashy Books | All of the romance, none of the bullshit.

The deal: a whole novel summarized in snarky little vignettes. With thumbnails. It's magically delicious. Part 1 is here; don't read any of it if you don't want an eyeful of spoilers. Or profanity. Or animated GIFs of throbbing hearts.

Smart Bitches Thumbnail Theater Presents: Mr. Impossible, Part Deux.

At Daphne's

Daphne: Sprung from jail! I was going to kill those suckas if they didn't let us out soon. It's good to be rich and white. Oh wait, I'm still a woman. Suck.

Rupert: You're pretty when you're angry.

Daphne: Shush, I just had a bright idea. We probably should've done this first instead of waltzing off to Giza.... But this way we get to fight some thugs. FUN!

Leena: Lady, just lock him up and screw him senseless already. This "sublimation of sexual desire through action" thing you have going on is giving me a migraine.

At the Merchant's

Vanni Annaz : *gurgle* Cherchez Ramesses. *gurglegurgle, dies*

Daphne: GODDAMMIT. And cherchez Ramesses? Bitch, please. I mean, there you go saying something that sounds like it might be a clew and it turns out it's nothing really related to anything in the plot. YOU BASTARD.

Hapless Thugs : Surprise!

Rupert: Prepare to get tossed, fools! *proceeds to toss fools*

Not-So Hapless Thugs : *bonk*

Rupert: OUCH. Also: Concussion's a bitch. *passes out manfully*

Daphne: Feel the wrath of Horus, son of Isis!

Statue of Horus : BONK

Hapless Thugs : Ow! Scamper!

Egyptian Cops: What's all this, then? Another dead body, you say?

At Daphne's

Daphne: Noxley has gone after my brother without bringing me along? Sexist pig. After him!

Rupert: A river cruise, whee! I am SO going to lose balance on the boat and fall all over her hot azz.

On the River Nile

Boat: LURCH

Rupert: Look at me, losing my balance and shit. Whee, boobies!

Daphne: My fists, they say "Ka-powity-pow!" (But my eyes? They say "YES! YES! YES!")

Rupert: Booooobies.

Daphne: Idiot.

Somewhere else on the River Nile

Other hapless thugs : OK, Ingleezi scum! Be prepared to read some brown thingums!

Miles: Now wouldn't be a good time to tell you that my sister's the brains behind this outfit, right? Right. Errrr... I need my notes.

Other hapless thugs : This leetle piggy went to market... This leetle piggy got HIS MOTHERFUCKING HEAD CUT OFF...

Other other thugs : HA-HA! We have taken over the boat, and we declare a thug fight! Cut! Slice! Dice!

Other hapless thugs : URK! GACK! GLURK! Man, we suck at fighting.

Miles: Time to split! Oh shit, more thugs waiting at the escape pod! Think... think...

Ghostly Miles: "Tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow creeps in at this petty pace from day to day until the last syllable of recorded time...."

Other other thugs : Ack, community theater Shakespeare! Embrace us, O River! *sploosh*

On Daphne's Boat

Rupert: Horny. Horny horny horny. HORNY. Plus the boat's not moving, so I don't have an excuse to fall on her again.

Daphne: Pffff, you're not the only one who's stewing, bub. Instead of doing anything, I'll just talk to you and accidentally reveal my true feelings about my dead husband.

Rupert: Hey, we're near Memphis. Think you might find a broken bit of stone with some doodly writing over which you can get unnaturally excited?

Daphne: I thought you'd never ask.

At Memphis

Daphne: Whoa, a broken statue of a pharaoh! Now I'm going to run off at the mouth and totally, for real give away the fact that I'm the scholar, not Miles.

Rupert: Care to tease a proposition from me, babe?

Daphne: I was talking about prepositions, you big, stupid lumm--mmmph! Oh. Mmmmmm.

Rupert: *totally Frenching*

Daphne: *totally Frenching back*

Rupert: *stops Frenching first*

Daphne: Whuh? Oh. KA-PLOWITY POW POW!

Servants: Oh no, we're not ogling AT ALL. *whistling*

Rupert: Oops. Curse you, Mrs. Pembroke, and your sexy, mysterious mind! And your sexy, mysterious ass! Um. Wanna go look at some pyramids?

At the Pyramid of Steps

Rupert: Right, I am SO squicked out by all these pieces of thousand-year-old dessicated corpses crunching under my bootses, but I will remain manfully tight-lipped about it.

Daphne: Let's go into the pyramid, so I can talk some more about hieroglyphs and drive you nuts with my proximity.

Rupert: Right. In again, out again, staring at doodles for hours, mmm-hah that was fun.

Daphne: Oooooh, another piece of rock with indecipherable ancient writing on it. Let me just turn it over and OH FUCKING HELL.

Rupert: Oh look, a viper. I will go into bullfighter mode and save you, fair lady! Toro! Toro! Hemingway, eat your goddamn heart out.

Daphne: Am I out of danger? Oh good. Buh. *faint*

Rupert: This is a GREAT excuse for me to carry you, and then scold you in a really adorable way about how you over-exerted yourself, all on account of a bunch of falcons wearing odd-looking hats.

Horus : Fuck YOU, buddy. You try going through life being the product of a brother marrying his sister and having a crazy-ass uncle bent on stealing the throne. My headwear is the least of my problems.

Daphne: Zzzzzzzzzz.

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This session of Covers Gone Wild is a sort of drive-by snarking. Instead of going on (and on and ON) about a single cover, we’re going to take on five different covers and snipe briefly at them, Snarkywood-style. We hope you enjoy stunning the artwork. And we do mean stunning. No, seriously: the only way you could feel more stunned would be if somebody bapped your head repeatedly with a marble bust of Liberace. Wearing an Indian headdress.

Proud Eagle

Sarah: Excuse me, Mr. Eagle, what exactly do you have to be proud of, there? Your interestingly-placed bow, shooting up from your crotch there? Does that, perhaps, symbolize something?

It sure can’t stand for your hunting abilities.  I mean, the bird you’re aiming at is BEHIND YOU, dumbass.

Candy: I was under the impression that most Indians don’t suffer from the same kind of pallor the average Oregonian does from being deprived of sun for 6 months out of the year. I’ve seen fishbellies with healthier skin tone. I mean, this guy would qualify as Oscar Wilde-grade “interestingly pale.” Maybe he’s recovering from a bout of fever? That would explain why he’s aiming in the wrong direction.

Savage Hero

Sarah: He’s not savage. He’s mentally disabled. Look: Flaccid bow and arrow shot - no firm erect bowstring for him! Also, if he’s Native American, so am I. How much more anglo can a dude look? He’s like a wanna-be beta male wishing he were a Savage Hero. Picture him at the Halloween party: “No, NO I’m a SAVAGE HERO I tell you!”

Candy: I know Bronson Pinchot’s career has pretty much tanked since Perfect Strangers was cancelled, but really, did he have to resort to Indian drag to put food on his table? Because here I submit to you: Separated at birth, Savage Hero guy and Balki Bartokomous.

Savage Devotion

Sarah: Savage Devotion?

My ass. Savage hairdryer maybe.

Candy: Does Charlie Sheen have a younger brother with a serious waxing fetish? Again, I submit for your perusal:

Savage Fires

Sarah: Darling, get UP!  THE TEE PEE IS ON FIRE!  We need to get out of here! But wait, I am transfixed by your giant chin, and I cannot move! it is making me weak!

Candy: “IT BURNS WHEN I PEEEEEEE!”

“That’s because your dick is on fire, dumbass.”

When Passion Calls

Sarah: Ha. When People Fall, is more like it. Or, when nature calls - “here, pee right here you half-conscious woman!”

Also, why does he not have a neck? And his face looks like a forensic composite head.

Candy: Reasons why this cover creeps me out:

1. No. Neck.
2. The Exorcist-worthy angle of their heads.
3. Fringed. Buckskin. Pants.
4. A rushing river is no place to show off your tango moves, you stupid bitches. And judging by the way the woman’s hair is flying, he’s dipping her at considerable velocity. Is he the primary beneficiary of her life insurance plan? Because maybe he’s trying to dash her head on the river bank or something.

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Categories: Covers Gone Wild! (Non-Snoop Dogg Edition)

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I'm unashamedly ripping off Big-Big-Truck's Cowboy Bebop thumbnail theater, and apparently she ripped it off from some other person named ToastyFrog. But man, doing this for a 312-page novel is a lot more time-consuming than for a half-hour episode of anime, so I'm going to break this down into four or five instalments. Today's episode covers Daphne and Rupert's adventures until their escape from the pyramid of Chephren, and tomorrow's installment will probably stop at Miles's escape. For those of you who haven't read the book yet but you plan to and spoilers piss you off, stop reading now because this gives away substantial chunks of the plot. That, and it won't make much sense.

Anyway, enough babbling; on to our feature! Smart Bitches Thumbnail Theater Presents: Mr. Impossible, Part 1.

Some bridge in Cairo

Crippled Old Dude: Ow, my kidneys!

Soldier: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Rupert: O the injustice! Hey Mr. Soldier, here's your ass on a plate, sir.

5 million other soldiers: No, here's YOUR ass.

Crippled Old Dude: I'm a-scarperin', I'm a-scarperin'.

At Daphne's

Leena: Doooom, glooooom.

Akmed: Ow. Ow. Ow.

Daphne: WTF, where's my brother?

At the British Consulate

Daphne: WTF, where's my brother?

British Consul: Uh.

Daphne: Help me find my brother. Or else.

British Consul: OK, we have this guy, and he's not too bright, but he's pretty strong...

In some dungeon in Cairo

Rupert: Brown thingums!

Daphne: Idiot.

Rupert: You sound hot. I dig smart chicks who can read all that doodly writing. And stuff. Also, I'm hot. I'm the hottest disembodied chin you'll find in all of Egypt, and very possibly the world.

Daphne: Idiot.

Leena: Lookit, you silly bint, you have enough brains for both of you. What you need right now are big muscley muscles for beating off the bad guys. Plus getting laid properly will make you less cranky.

Daphne: FUCK.

At Daphne's

Daphne: OH SHIT. My work! And the bastards stole the mysterious, valuable papyrus Miles bought for me! And crap, I just totally gave away that I'm the scholar, not Miles.

Rupert: Oooh. You're REALLY hot. *manly swoon* Oh hey, here's a recalcitrant servant. Tell us all, or else… *flexes muscles*

Daphne: *swoooooon*

Leena: Rrrowr.

Recalcitrant servant: *tells all, which really isn't much*

Daphne: We'll go for help at Viscount Noxley's.

Rupert: Bah.

At Jean-Claude Duval's

Jean-Claude: YOINK. Also: I have Miles. Mwahaha. I will totally kick Viscount Noxley's ass in our quest for more antiquities. Bastard Englishmen stealing our Rosetta Stone.

At Viscount Noxley's

Rupert: I hate you.

Noxley: I'll just ignore and dangerously understimate the big lummox in my living room, mmmkay? Daphne darling, don't worry your pretty little head, I'll fix everything.

Daphne: That's what you think, bub.

Noxley: Hey, henchmen: take care of the big lummox, won't you?

On the way to Giza

Rupert: If any of you chickenshit servants desert the beauteous Daphne, I shall defenestrate thee with much post-hastenes.

Cowering Servants: Eeek! But we you all the same.

Daphne: Oh, gag me.

At Chephren's Pyramid

Rupert: Ooooh, big triangular thingy.

Daphne: Shut up and help me look for clews.

Rupert: Your ass looks even hotter when it's waggling in front of me in an dark, enclosed space.

Daphne: Bla bla bla bla pyramids bla bla bla hieroglyphs and oh by the way I hate dark, enclosed spaces.

Guides: GLURK!

Rupert: Oh crap, the light's gone out. Quick, to the ladder and the way out!

Guides: *still dead*

Daphne: OK, Rupert squeezing by me on the ladder was pretty hot.

Egyptian Cops: What's all this, then? Two dead bodies, you say?

Daphne: Oh, crap.

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We have some lovely referral records today.

bitches fucking.
horny bitches.
naked bitches.

So sorry you’ve landed on our erudite page devoted to romantic fiction! We have smart bitches, naked dukes, and horny heroes, but not in the combinations you seek. My apologies. I am sure there is another page or two on the internet that might be of interest to you. Continue your quest, noble knight of the MSN search! 

We Smart Bitches bid you adieu as you embark on your quest. 

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Huh huh. I said “rule.”

Anyway, last night I wasn’t in the mood for the angst of “Uncommon Vows” right before bed, though I was about 3/4 into the book. I wasn’t on the home stretch and was far too tired to think of finishing it, so I did The Unthinkable.

I started another book.

Does anyone else have a rule that they only read one thing at a time? Candy, I know, reads quantum physics (I’m not even kidding) and romance at the SAME TIME, which bends my mind more than a little. But I usually read one thing at a time, because otherwise I will always like one better than the other, and the one I like less? I never get back to it. Also, I have a poor memory and I’ll start mixing the plotlines up, which can be a challenge if I try to read a contemporary and a medieval at the same time. Someone is showering a lot, some one is not. Which one?!! I can’t even watch two tv shows at the same time, while Hubby, when he is master of the clicker, can watch, like, twelve. Simultaneously. And keep track of what’s going on.

So of course, I am seriously loving the roller-coaster ride of “The Pirate Prince,” by Gaelen Foley. Woo damn is that thing purple-ish and non-freaking-stop. It reminds me of Pirates of the Caribbean - once it started, WHOOSH.

I do have to finish Uncommon Vows, especially after so many people recommended it. And dang the hero is hot. But I have to be honest, the “Oh, I’m hot hot hot for you!” “No, I hate hate hate you!” hot/cold heroine is in desperate need for a smackdown. Don’t treat that fine, educated, man like that! He should come over here to Candy & me. We’ll take care of him. Wink wink, nudge nudge.

So - do you read one at a time, or muliple books at once?

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