Smart Bitches Trashy Books | All of the romance, none of the bullshit.

I have an interesting question I want to pose to y’all later, but first, some assorted link pimpage that’s engaged my attention:

• Doug is running a sex scene contest, Bulwer-Lytton style. I’m sneak-writing my entry at work. God, I hope the old hag who sits behind me doesn’t decide to sneak up and check out what I’m typing.

  Ah, what the hell--it’ll make her life more exciting.

• Brenda Coulter argues that we should be very, very nice when reviewing books because romance novelists are sensitive and writing a book is harrrrrrrrd. Booksquare replies, and Monica Jackson enters the fray as well. They all have points I agree and disagree with.

  Y’all know where I stand on this issue, right? I mean, if the 666 engraved on the back of my skull and my oft-declared love of pain didn’t give you a clue already....

• Is bacon dropping from the sky? Because holy fucking shit, Monica Jackson and LLB are having a civil conversation. Where’s that sal volatile?

  I still hold out hope for a reconciliation between Monica and LLB/AAR. *wipes tear from eye*

• AND! Thanks to my fabulous friend Katie, I found out about Virgin: The Untouched History, coming in 2006, which dedicates TWO CHAPTERS TO HYMENS. Katie has read it and told me it’s grrreat, and I always believe Katie, and you should too because Katie? Is fabulous. I just can’t wait for this book to come out, but in the meanwhile, I’m checking out Hanne Blank’s erotica anthologies.

  So, anyone have a list of authors to whom I could gift The Untouched History? *evil glee*

I don’t watch TV at all very often, but I find it comforting to have it on while I’m unpacking. It could be some totally shitty show in the background--I don’t care. Last week, for example, I unpacked kitchen crap while listening to the dulcet tones of Martha Stewart channeling Donald Trump.

Well, last Sunday, while sorting out my clothing, I caught a re-run on the WB that snagged my attention. I actually stopped what I was doing and plopped my ass on the couch to pay full attention to what was going on. Two hot (and I mean HOTTTT) brothers who also happen to be demon hunters go around the countryside, tracking down and killing all sorts of spooky critters. The story was cheesy as all hell, the cheesecake factor through the roof, but holy crap, I’ve been sucked in but good.

And tonight’s episode, with a story that was basically a Candyman/Ringu hybrid? EEEEEEEGAAAAH. I mean, I knew exactly what they were ripping off--hell, I’d SEEN the movies this episode had stolen its ideas from--and it still scared the shit out of me. It helps that the production values are decent, and the effects were actually pretty scary. I’m now afraid to look in the mirror. It definitely doesn’t help that I already have really irrational fears about demons and evil spirits residing in mirrors to begin with. (Why do you think I wrote the cliffhanger I did for the last installment of my SASS?)

What show am I talking about? Supernatural, my friends. Cheesy TV at its best. When the fuck is the Season 1 DVD coming out? I need to see the pilot because I’m getting bits and pieces of a truly juicy backstory, especially the creepy dead girlfriend.

Inspired by this awesome list of things that only happen in movies, we present 15 (or so!) things that only happen in romance novels?

1. If you go for a walk in Hyde Park, your incredibly well-groomed and impeccably trained horses, or someone else’s, will go wild and start a dangerous rampage through the trees.

2. A secondary or tertiary character who suddenly reveals something personal about themselves for no apparent reason in a romantic suspense is going to DIE DIE DIE.

3. One kiss of the hero/heroine has the power to create irresistible powers of lust that cause one or both parties to toss off their clothing, even if in the corner of a house hosting a ball attended by thousands of nosy people.

4. A corollary: once the hero and heroine have divested themselves of enough clothing, or gone past 2nd base, no matter what the location, they will rarely if ever be discovered or caught, even if in the corner of a house hosting a ball attended by thousands of nosy people.

5. Laudanum will soothe the pain of anything from a minor headache to six bullets in one’s left buttcheek. And it tastes like crap warmed over, but the taste is easily masked by tea. Weak tea.

6. Despite the lack of cleanliness, the hero will survive a bullet to the shoulder, arm, buttock or leg, even after “probing for the ball” with what sounds like a fireplace poke.

7. If there is a heroine, and if there is a riding habit, there will be a feather and it will be jaunty. It is the law.

8. No matter how badly the hero is wounded, he’s always up for some serious nookie. Gut shot? Perforated lung? Brain trauma? Doesn’t matter. Wild Willy is ready and willing for the ride.

9. American girls ALWAYS have more leeway and freedom to act like slutbags, unlike their stuffy English counterparts.

10. During an age when most people didn’t bathe often, and no matter what the ambient temperature of the ballroom and the number of powdered, stinky people surrounding her, the heroine will always smell delicately of orange blossoms, spring roses, or something equally appealing.

11. The villain is the only ugly person with significant air time in the book. A handsome villain will become the hero of the sequel.

12. If there’s a gay villain, you can bet on him being a pedophile too.

13. Alcoholism and other problems with addiction can be dealt with in one, big detox session.

14. Nothing identifies a hero faster than an artfully tied cravat. But it never, ever makes him a dandy.

15. Every couple ever in the history of Regency England and following historical periods married for deep abiding love and rather flammable passion. But not one of them knows the others, because, as any matron will tell you, love matches are exceedingly rare.

Care to add more? I know you have suggestions!

My Romancing the Blog post is up - apparently I’ve made people cry.

1. Go to Google.

2. Search for “man-titty.”

3. Check out who’s number one.

Oh yeah, that’s right. Take THAT, Chris Rock! BOO YAH!

Other search terms for which we are the tippy-toppiest of the Top Dogs:

• trashy books
• trashy novels
• Dominican bitches (but we have been pretty much from day one)
• trashy bitches

We’ve worked hard to provide hard-hitting (huh huh, I said “hard") content to you, and we’re proud that we’ve cornered the number one spots in these coveted search terms.

As Sarah said, we should have one of those used car sales ads with the guy bellowing on the bullhorn saying “WE ARE NUMBER ONE IN MAN-TITTY SO COME ON DOWN TO SMART BITCHES, TRASHY BOOKS!”