Smart Bitches Trashy Books | All of the romance, none of the bullshit.

This week, we’re taking a look at some reader-submitted stepback covers. So nice when the cover is rather bland and then you open the flap and HOLY CANOLI are those REAL?!

Our first stepback: Patricia Pellicane’s Sweet Revenge

Sarah: “The sea is rising up behind me, and here, I have this dead girl with giant silicone boobies. Aren’t Coast-Guard-approved floatation devices made of silicone? I sure hope so!”

Also, can we talk about how disturbingly long her first two fingers are? What does she DO with those fingers?! Prostate exams… on giraffes?

Candy: “Non non non, ma cherie...You keep your knees bent, lift your breasts UP and suck that stomach IN. Like so, comprends?”

Or maybe he’s demonstrating the newest Aikido throw to the little chickadee?

Under the Wild Moon by Diana Carey

Sarah:”Darling, I don’t think it’s going to work between us. First, I have to go fight those monks over there. But more importantly, you have jaundice, you aren’t able to stand up, and one of your breasts appears to be coming out of your shoulder. And, now you’re melting into a puddle. Don’t you see? It’s not you. It’s me. I can’t handle your specialness.”

Candy: YAY medieval mullets! Very authentic.

Side note: All these bitches need to look into knee surgery or something. The premature kneecap failure rate among these models must be appalling.

The Dark Horseman Marianne Harvey

Sarah: You know the horse is thinking, “Ok, I’m about to go over the cliff because Lord Bozo doesn’t look where he’s going, AND I have to pull the weight of this doofy dead woman ol’ Bozo insists on dragging everywhere, even though she’s beyond rigor mortis and her dress is clearly from three seasons ago. And NOW there’s some big fire burning over there and what is he doing? He’s looking down her cleavage again. Maybe I can throw them both over the cliff.”

Candy: Riding a rearing stallion with a shirt mostly unbuttoned is eminently practical and a sign of excellent horsemanship. Also, allowing your stallion to rear so wildly about 2 millimeters away from the edge of a cliff. Between that and the chick with the mean crick in her neck, I say this tableau looks like a Darwin Award waiting to happen.

Alert! It is the birthday of Smart Bitch Candy, Saturday, February 4!

So, let us rejoice, and compose our ardor in raunchy haiku, couplets, and iambic smartbitchometer in her honor!

Ready, set, go!

And have a happy birthday Candy!

(And thanks to MadLantern for the graphics!)

Congratulations to Sara K, who took all of 15 minutes to guess correctly that this week’s lonely heart was Emma Dunster, heroine of Julia Quinn’s Splendid.

Kneel Sara K, and receive your Smart Bitch Title!

Congratulations, Sara K! 

We finished 21st in the Predators and Editors poll of Best Writer’s Forums.

Wow! Cool!

But I had to think, “Huh, we’re a writer’s forum?” But given how much craft talkin’ goes on around here, and how much we discuss the process as much as the product, I guess we are!

Thanks for the votes and recognition - that’s pretty cool.

Smart Bitch Title for
the first bitchery reader:
Author! Title! Name!

Oh, Tame me, my hero. Tame me!

Feisty, clever colonial dame possessing of quite a stubborn streak seeks smokin’ hot confirmed bachelor. Why even bother with the assertions of your bachelorhood? One kiss snuck from my hoydenish, hellion lips and you’re a goner, so give it up already. It’s my first season and I’m not the least interested in the lot of you Brit aristo men, but catch me in scullery disguise as I save a wee lad’s life, and I’ll make plenty of trouble in your life. You tame me into immediate respectability, and I’ll tame you into matrimonial bliss. Bring it on!