Smart Bitches Trashy Books | All of the romance, none of the bullshit.

I am lucky enough to have some seriously crush-worthy healthcare providers. My former primary care physician had blue eyes that could make you wish that colds and bronchitis were sexy afflictions (that’s all he ever saw me with, anyway) and a full head of gorgeous grey hair. He is Irish and damn sexy - and on top of that, he is a fantastic doctor.

Then there’s my dentist, who is one of those men who looks unbelievably hot with a fully bald head. Certainly his competence (and liberal applications of novocaine when my dental work this week hurt while in progress) is part of the sexy factor, but even without the confidence, he’s fine to look at.

Since I had nothing to do but think, I got to pondering about romance occupations. There are plenty of romance heroes who are doctors, business tycoons - and sheikhs, if you read any of those books. Heroines I’ve read range from business execs to secretaries, artists to musicians. Part of the fascination of some contemporary romance writers, and Nora Roberts’ books come to mind, is seeing what job the heroine will have.

I know Candy and I have mentioned in passing to each other at least once the many, many heroines who have creative right-brain jobs, and heroes who have businessy left-brain jobs. I’ve encountered it time and again, so it makes the curious exceptions so much more entertaining.  And for the hero to have a technically detailed and challenging job such as medicine - which often involves the human element of caring for other people - well, that character line has oft been explored as well. (My personal favorite example, for the record: Dr. Cox on Scrubs. John McGinley does a wonderful job with the crusty-exterior/wounded heart-of-gold character that is almost a cliche sometimes in the hands of the wrong writer.)

When it comes to employment, it must be a challenge to pick your character’s career, especially in the US where your job is so closely tied to your identity. One asks what someone “does” for a living, but often the answer is, “I am....” A job is often a major element to one’s definition of self. So in the context of romance protagonists, career is a big, big choice.

That said, I ask the Bitchery:

1. What careers for heroes and heroines have you noticed as most common?
2. What jobs are unheard of in romance? Meat packer? Butcher? Felon?
3. What job would you LOVE to see?

Sarah: Perm + Man-titty + WAY TOO MUCH BRONZER = hilarity. Do you think if you moisten your finger and wipe it down his chest, you can reveal the pasty white skin beneath? What a handy place to write down notes and phone numbers. “Hang on, I have his number, it’s right here on the Highlander’s left man-tit.”

Candy: Indeed, when I’m feeling pasty after a grey, brutal Portland winter and I’m longing for some time in the sun so that I, y’know, no longer glow in the fucking dark, I immediately think of decamping to the Scottish Highlands.

Sarah: I think his man-titty is holding up his plaid sash. And have you ever noticed that on all the deSalvo covers, his arms are bent because he’s so built he can’t straighten his arms, and, more importantly, his legs are spread, like his man junk is SO big he can’t close his legs? What’s he hiding under that kilt? Priapism?

Candy: Egad! The pirates, English rakes and randy horsemen have all infected the Highlanders with the inability to lace up their shirts before tucking them into their waistbands! When will the madness stop? Won’t somebody think of the children?

Sarah: I giggled for a good half-hour at this cover. Even Hubby walked around the house: “Laird of the Wind! TOOT!” Seriously, sir, you do not want to be Laird of the Wind in a kilt. There’s nothing there to stop your wind from, um, escaping the confines. You might want to refrain from eating so many beans if you’re still having that problem - unless it’s not beans. Maybe you and last week’s Hot Buttsecks Wind Indian are Lairds of Brokeback Mountain?

Candy: See that eagle soaring off in yonder distance? It was totally blown off its feet in an unanticipated lift-off, courtesy of this particular laird’s wind. Gives “wind beneath my wings” a new meaning entirely. People oft wondered what sorcery the Laird wrought when on Tuesday mornings, all the eagles within the immediate vicinity would take flight whenever he stepped out, but really, that’s just because Monday night is always 5-Alarm Chili night.

There’s something missing in this article about the advent of romantic erotica. Is it mentioning of explicit sex?

No, the article covers that.

Discussion of self-confident heroines with adventurous sexual appetites? Yup.

Hmmm. Creation of erotica imprints from established publishing houses? Yeah, that’s in there.

So what’s missing from this article?

Could it be ANY MENTION WHATSOEVER of Ellora’s Cave? Hello?! “Berkley was a pioneer with its Heat line last May”??!! Are you kidding me?

Gee whiz. For a million-dollar genre, you’d think the writer would find reference to EC quick enough in her research. Of course, it is USA Today, which Hubby and I call “McNews.” Perhaps I ask too much.

Nah, I don’t. To write about the popularity of erotica and not mention EC? That was boneheaded, no pun intended.

A few days late, and I apologize - the PowerBook, it was not so full of the Power this weekend. It was more full of Things that Annoy Sarah. But Duchess Cuntington tolerates no crap from her subordinates, and we are back in business - the business of bestowing wicked awesome titles on the winners of contests.

So, kneel, or just relax a bit, Jeri Smith Ready, and arise with your new title:

Congratulations and good job on the contest! 

This video is gayer than two gay men having sex, and that’s pretty gay.

I mean it. Just when you think it can’t get any more gay, IT DOES.

Seriously. It has Kurt Browning, Alexei Yagudin, John Zimmerman and assorted other ice skaters wiggling, writhing and pumping in tight-ass cowboy outfits. To the remixed version of Elvis’s “A Little Less Conversation.”

In summary: GAY. Hot as hell, and gay, gay, gay.

(Update: Broke my poor little Catfoodguide server, but bless JT for uploading ze video to Youtube.)