HairoftheDeSalvo

by SB Sarah Monday, March 06, 2006 at 09:02 AM

It’s not just the Hairclub for Men anymore. It’s the Hair Club for Men with Man-titty.

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Sarah: Future Mega Mullet Man gazed at the air to the left of her ear, hoping she would admire his fine pooftah necklace and big green plastic armband.

“Wow,” she thought. “Could he BE any more gay?”

Candy: That is truly a magnificent mullet--it’s so big that the dude has to wear his crown on his arm, because there’s no way it could’ve fit over that mane of glory. But I have to say, it’s all eclipsed by the woman’s futuristic RennFaire-Orgasmed-All-Over-40-Yards-of-Hot-Pink-Satin monstrosity. And what better to go with a Medieval Bitches In Space dress than midnight blue tights?

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Sarah: The hair, it is half ducks-ass and half overgrown mullet. I think it’s an exaggerated version of the typical description of a hero who “wears his hair longer than fashionable” with a forelock he can toss back in an arrogant manner.

But in this depiction? He looks scruffy and over-moussed.

And also, is it me or is her torso disturbingly short, like her leg is emerging from just under her ribcage?

Candy: Man, he’s such a workout addict that he seizes any and all opportunities to exercise. That’s why when faced with a supine woman, his first instinct is to do one-armed push-ups. He only regrets he forgot his headband and legwarmers to go with his 80s mullet.

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Sarah: Yes. Please. Back away from the pussy. Now.

Candy: The furry implications of this cover are more than a little disturbing.

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Sarah: From Claiming the Highlander, by Kinley MacGregor:

Him: “Your neck. It is disturbingly long.”
Her: “So is your hair.”
Him: “Are you a giraffe?”
Her: “No more than you are a highlander in those Gap jeans you have on.”
Him: “Seriously, do you say ‘Go Go Gadget Neck?’ when you can’t see over something?”
Her: “No. Do you ask deliberately for those layers to be cut in your hair, or does the hairdresser knock you unconscious first?”

Candy: On him: Mullet. Inexplicable shirtlessness. Bountiful man-titty. On her: Bad perm. Teal gown. Teal, for motherfucksakes, people. Inexplicably long neck.

These two people on the cover had sex once, and the cataclysm resulting from that joining was known as the 80s.

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Sarah: Perhaps if she gazes at the secret message he scrawled under his man-titty cleft, she won’t notice that he poured the rest of her vintage 1982 Indian Earth Bronzer Powder on his hair.

Candy: Never were the words “ginger minger” more apt, methinks. Nor the words “rampant sunless tanning lotion abuse.”

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Categories: Covers Gone Wild! (Non-Snoop Dogg Edition)

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CoronationforTheLibraryDiva

by SB Sarah Friday, March 03, 2006 at 12:00 PM

Sound the alarm, especially if it’s a trumpet with a big banner hanging off the front, like a flag on an erection! The Library Diva has won today’s Guess that Lonely Heart!

Yes, it was Nellie Grayson, from Jude Deveraux’s Wishes, a book in which Nellie’s noble character and strength earns her a fairy godmother who makes her thin. Don’t even get me started on that part. Yes, the fairy godmother realizes that being thin doesn’t solve the girl’s problems, but still - it would have been bootylicious if the heroine could have remained her zaftig self.

But regardless, Ms. Diva has won, and will now receive a most fabulous Smart Bitch Title™. Kneel, Your Divaship, and arise:

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GuessThatLonelyHeart

by SB Sarah Friday, March 03, 2006 at 11:10 AM

You know the routine: Author, Title, and Heroine’s Name to me, and Smart Bitch Title™ to you!

Don’t Get Me Started on This One

Lovely zaftig heroine in the Old Wild West seeks wounded, lonely man to heal and make happy. Meanwhile, you do the same for me and bring me out of my misery, away from my nasty parent and awful stock-character sister. I’ve got help in the form of a time-traveling lady with a magic wand and a year’s worth of People magazine to read, and she’s got spells of the NutriSystem variety - I’m like a historical romance precursor to Jemima J. In the end, you earn my adoration and love, and, as a noble bonus, I’ll be all skinny and hawt and every man’s fantasy. 

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InterviewwiththeFolksfromEllora’sCave

by SB Sarah Thursday, March 02, 2006 at 08:32 AM

We here at the Smart Bitchery are nosy, nebby ladies, always sticking our big snarky noses into various pieces of the publishing industry, wondering how it all works. All part of our plan for world domination, of course! Or, just domination. Heeyah!

Since one of the hottest topics right now in the publishing industry is the advent of erotica (it was even featured on the front page of Crain’s New York Business, which I cannot link to because it’s registered users only, sob sob) we thought, Hm! Why not ask the toiling editors at Ellora’s Cave all our questions about the erotica industry, what sells, what doesn’t, and, for heaven’s sake, what is UP with those covers?

Editing Masters Heather Osborn and Nick Conrad were kind enough to answer our queries - so read on and enjoy our latest Smart Bitch Interview.

More,more,more!>
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CareerCounseling

by SB Sarah Wednesday, March 01, 2006 at 07:19 PM

I am lucky enough to have some seriously crush-worthy healthcare providers. My former primary care physician had blue eyes that could make you wish that colds and bronchitis were sexy afflictions (that’s all he ever saw me with, anyway) and a full head of gorgeous grey hair. He is Irish and damn sexy - and on top of that, he is a fantastic doctor.

Then there’s my dentist, who is one of those men who looks unbelievably hot with a fully bald head. Certainly his competence (and liberal applications of novocaine when my dental work this week hurt while in progress) is part of the sexy factor, but even without the confidence, he’s fine to look at.

Since I had nothing to do but think, I got to pondering about romance occupations. There are plenty of romance heroes who are doctors, business tycoons - and sheikhs, if you read any of those books. Heroines I’ve read range from business execs to secretaries, artists to musicians. Part of the fascination of some contemporary romance writers, and Nora Roberts’ books come to mind, is seeing what job the heroine will have.

I know Candy and I have mentioned in passing to each other at least once the many, many heroines who have creative right-brain jobs, and heroes who have businessy left-brain jobs. I’ve encountered it time and again, so it makes the curious exceptions so much more entertaining.  And for the hero to have a technically detailed and challenging job such as medicine - which often involves the human element of caring for other people - well, that character line has oft been explored as well. (My personal favorite example, for the record: Dr. Cox on Scrubs. John McGinley does a wonderful job with the crusty-exterior/wounded heart-of-gold character that is almost a cliche sometimes in the hands of the wrong writer.)

When it comes to employment, it must be a challenge to pick your character’s career, especially in the US where your job is so closely tied to your identity. One asks what someone “does” for a living, but often the answer is, “I am....” A job is often a major element to one’s definition of self. So in the context of romance protagonists, career is a big, big choice.

That said, I ask the Bitchery:

1. What careers for heroes and heroines have you noticed as most common?
2. What jobs are unheard of in romance? Meat packer? Butcher? Felon?
3. What job would you LOVE to see?

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