Smart Bitches Trashy Books | All of the romance, none of the bullshit.

Sarah and Candy are incommunicado for three days because of Sarah’s lack of internet, and THIS is what they start talking about first thing Monday morning.

Candy: Hey, how’d the moving go?

Sarah: Moving went well. LOVE the new house. We not only hired movers to move us, but we hired movers to PACK which was a WEIRD experience. They packed EVERYTHING. And I mean, every thing. My mother in law helped us unpack because I am limited in energy and it is far too easy for me to hurt myself, and she opened a lovingly wrapped paper bundle of… takeout Chinese duck sauce packets.

Sidebar: Can evidence of arousal in Chinese romance/erotica heroines be likened unto duck sauce? Discuss!

Candy: I love that the movers packed your duck sauce packets! BWAH! And I’m glad you asked about comparisons to duck sauce, because seriously, you could’ve said fish sauce. Or sweet-and-sour. Or oyster.

Sarah: See, I’m a big fan of duck sauce, though not from women, and while I don’t think I’ve ever had fish sauce, or oyster, I have had sweet-n-sour and lobster, and I don’t think they match the true erotica heroine consistency I’m looking for.

Of course, then we have to discuss the hero: egg roll? Kung pao chicken roll? Chicken skewer?

Candy: I’m pretty sure you’ve had oyster sauce. If you’ve had stir-fry or fried rice, you’ve had oyster. Few people realize that the distinctive taste of Chinese stir-fry is almost entirely due to oyster sauce. The sauce itself is thick and gloopy and brown, and it’s not a dipping sauce at all--it’s used strictly for cooking, near as I can tell. I have a giant bottle in my refrigerator at all times for the making of the stir-fry.

It would be too funny if in the Chinese version of the Catherine Coulter novel you told me about, the hero had used oyster sauce to lubricate the heroine’s cunny instead of cream.

As for what the hero should be: pork ribs? Or if he’s especially large--beef shank in herbal broth?

Sarah: Stirfry is oyster sauce? No kidding! No wonder stir fry makes me ill. Just about all the valve-type shellfish, like clams, oysters, mussels, etc, make me iller than ill. I be illin’.

Oh my GOD yes. Midsummer Magic, with oyster sauce! UGH!

Pork ribs would be GREAT. Perhaps we can work this into the character generator script? He’s as big as an egg roll, or some chicken satay on a skewer, or a shishkabob - the whole thing. Useful if one is a sheik, no?

Candy: Hey, if the hero’s a sheikh, then we need to include leg of lamb. Or mutton. He’s baa-aaa-aaa-d to the bone.

And the heroine’s sauce would be some kind of yogurt-tahini combination. HAAAAA.

Sarah: Totally, if the hero is a sheik, there needs to be mutton or some kind of shank (har har shank). Or, if he were seriously teeny, a pine nut. And tahini would work. Or, on a bad day, hummus. 

Candy: YES to the hummus. CHUNKY hummus.

Or chunky kefir.

Wow, that just made me throw up a little in my mouth.

Sarah: Hummus with Roasted Garlic and Pine Nuts!

Candy: Screw the pine nuts! This heroine wants cucumber! An UNCUT cucumber!

Sarah: Don’t forget the yogurt sauce.

Ok. Now I’m nauseated, too. 

Candy and I have been kicking ideas back and forth regarding advertising on this site. On one hand, I solemnly swear on all four of my cats, and on Candy’s cats, that we will never subject you to epileptic seizure advertisements, popup windows, or those bastard sliding ads that get in your way and won’t let you see the actual content. So fear not- annoying ads are not in our plans.

Neither, for the time being, are Google ads, which are content-specific, and, as Candy pointed out, the number of times we mention backdoor lovin’ might bring some seriously questionable advertisement blocks.

So - I came up with an idea, and I want to ask you, our noble - and somewhat titled - readership what you think. We’d like to offer dedicated advertisement space on a weekly basis for authors, publishing houses, editors, and writers. We’d link to reviews or point-of-sale sites for your book, and feature a graphic, and a small blurb about your book or product. Candy and I are still discussing rates - and your suggestions in that department are certainly welcome - but since we are both happy with the number of writerly-sorts that frequent this here bitcherty, we thought we’d make the discussion about advertisement as much of an opportunity for you as it is for us.

So: *puts on Linda Richman voice*: Advertisements for authors and books. To host or not to host: discuss!

All of my books, save exactly three pregnancy books and a novel, are packed in boxes that, given the priority system Hubby and I worked out, will probably stay in wrapped confinement for a week or so.

So yesterday in the Super Stop n’Shop, after doing the Mother of All Target Runs, I passed by the paperback aisles and took my usually gander at what was new, hot, and popular enough to stock at the grocery store. I didn’t go to the book section of Target because that’s just asking for some heavy impatient sighing from Hubby. But the SSnS book aisle had the romance conveniently wrapped around the end so you passed it on your way to the checkout lines.

I glance over, and hello Suzanne Enoch? Writing contemporary? Well color me surprised. I think Enoch and I think “London/rake/scoundrel/cravat/valet/pelisse.” I surely do not think of contemporary cartoon covers about cat burglars and business tycoons.

So, in my first ever ‘I am going to have to review this for SBTB. Wonder if I can claim it on my taxes?’ purchase, I have procured said contemporary, written by a known-historical author, and I shall let you know how it goes.

However, this phrase from the Amazon synopsis does give me pause: Though some readers may be disappointed by the lack of a traditional happily-ever-after, others will cheerfully await Sam and Richard’s next adventure.  First, a not HEA? Dang. That’s why I read romance, people. Come on now, don’t take my guaranteed HEA away from me. Second, continued adventures? What, is everyone JD Robb now? Writing series with heavy romantic elements? Dang, again.

Darlene Marshall (writer of that swishbuckling classic, Pirate’s Price) has notified me that Bookaza, an e-book retailer, is selling at least one of her titles without authorization. Her publisher, LTDBooks is trying get them to cease and desist, but so far they’ve apparently been unsuccessful. Darlene and her publisher get zip when you buy something of hers from this store. This is so far the first and only confirmed case. (See update below.) Other e-book authors: do you have any experiences with this retailer?

Anyway: Bad e-book retailer! Stealing is naughty!

Update: Darlene just notified me of another way Bookaza is engaging in thievery: According to J.K. Rowling herself, there are NO authorized e-book versions of any Harry Potter books, yet Bookaza offers them anyway. 

Candy: Wow. Is there a name for people who like having group sex with mannequins? Les freaques aux plastiques? Jesus. And I thought Furries were bad.

The hand placement for the guy on the right is also muy, muy creepy. Makes me think he’s about to pop her head clean off, then run around the house swinging her head manically before hanging it from the ceiling fan.

Sarah: I have often asked myself, “Self, what ever happened to Clay Aiken?” Self, now you know.

Nothin’ sexier than a skinny man with no shirt. And a shoulder-sunburn. From being buried up to his clavicle.

Victorious Star Cover - NOTE: NOT WORK SAFE

Candy: Aaaaahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

*stops for breath*

HAAAAAAAAhahahahahahahahahahaaaaa.

Oh God. That woman sure has some bitchin’ bangs and maroon eyeshadow, though I guess I should be grateful it’s not aquamarine. And the way the man’s hand is curved around her right hooter makes it seem as if it has no give at all. You’d think in the far future that plastic breastables would be more realistic, but apparently not even science that allows us to conquer faster-than-light travel can make breast impants lose that jello mold look. WORST. COVER. EVER.

Also: it hurts me to see how low Jason Mewes has sunk in his efforts to bolster his heroin habit.

Snoochie boochies! (But maybe “Snoochie coochies” would be more appropriate in this instance.)

Sarah: Candy totally has me beat on the “Dude, who does that dude look like?” contest. That dude totally looks like Jason Mewes. That’s so sad. Jason Mewes with a Legolas hairdo.

I have to ask Hubby who the other dude looks like. Damn, Hubby can’t figure it out, either. Ok, someone has to help me figure out who that dude looks like.

And that is the most horrid cover I have ever seen. Dear God. I need to lie down.

Candy: Guy: Unhhhh! Unnnh! Oh baby!
Girl: YES! OH YESSS! Ram that fleshy sword of love into my love chunnel, you stud!
Leopard: RAARR! Take it up the ass, bitch!

Sarah: Leopard 1: “I say, Jerome, there appear to be some rather beefy people engaging in some, shall we say, activities out in yonder swamp. “
Leopard 2: “Never!”
Leopard 1: “True, I am afraid. At this moment, in fact. Hear them?”
Leopard 2: “I do, indeed. Hm. Well, I am feeling a bit peckish.”
Leopard 1: “Oh, it has been a long time since you’ve eaten. Go on.”
Leopard 2: “Are you sure?”
Leopard 1: “Oh, yes. Go on. Enjoy. Bon appetit.”

Candy: Guy: I’m either constipated, or like Keanu Reeves, this is my Look of Passionate Intensity.
Girl: Is it in yet? I’m kind of bored.
Leopard: WOO, TITTY! Even ghostly leopards need titty. Oh yeah. OH YEAH. Much better than that chick’s from Victorious Star.

And once this guy leans over he’s going to get it up the ass, too.

Sarah: “Even ghostly leopards need titty.” A truer saying was never, er, said. *sniff* Just the price of a cup of coffee each day could give ghostly leopards their own titty. Imagine the difference you could make.

I won’t even go near my normal “What was the art department thinking?” ruminations. I can’t even imagine, unless their goal is to Not Sell Books.