CoronationforTheLibraryDiva

by SB Sarah Friday, March 03, 2006 at 12:00 PM

Sound the alarm, especially if it’s a trumpet with a big banner hanging off the front, like a flag on an erection! The Library Diva has won today’s Guess that Lonely Heart!

Yes, it was Nellie Grayson, from Jude Deveraux’s Wishes, a book in which Nellie’s noble character and strength earns her a fairy godmother who makes her thin. Don’t even get me started on that part. Yes, the fairy godmother realizes that being thin doesn’t solve the girl’s problems, but still - it would have been bootylicious if the heroine could have remained her zaftig self.

But regardless, Ms. Diva has won, and will now receive a most fabulous Smart Bitch Title™. Kneel, Your Divaship, and arise:

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GuessThatLonelyHeart

by SB Sarah Friday, March 03, 2006 at 11:10 AM

You know the routine: Author, Title, and Heroine’s Name to me, and Smart Bitch Title™ to you!

Don’t Get Me Started on This One

Lovely zaftig heroine in the Old Wild West seeks wounded, lonely man to heal and make happy. Meanwhile, you do the same for me and bring me out of my misery, away from my nasty parent and awful stock-character sister. I’ve got help in the form of a time-traveling lady with a magic wand and a year’s worth of People magazine to read, and she’s got spells of the NutriSystem variety - I’m like a historical romance precursor to Jemima J. In the end, you earn my adoration and love, and, as a noble bonus, I’ll be all skinny and hawt and every man’s fantasy. 

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InterviewwiththeFolksfromEllora’sCave

by SB Sarah Thursday, March 02, 2006 at 08:32 AM

We here at the Smart Bitchery are nosy, nebby ladies, always sticking our big snarky noses into various pieces of the publishing industry, wondering how it all works. All part of our plan for world domination, of course! Or, just domination. Heeyah!

Since one of the hottest topics right now in the publishing industry is the advent of erotica (it was even featured on the front page of Crain’s New York Business, which I cannot link to because it’s registered users only, sob sob) we thought, Hm! Why not ask the toiling editors at Ellora’s Cave all our questions about the erotica industry, what sells, what doesn’t, and, for heaven’s sake, what is UP with those covers?

Editing Masters Heather Osborn and Nick Conrad were kind enough to answer our queries - so read on and enjoy our latest Smart Bitch Interview.

More,more,more!>
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CareerCounseling

by SB Sarah Wednesday, March 01, 2006 at 07:19 PM

I am lucky enough to have some seriously crush-worthy healthcare providers. My former primary care physician had blue eyes that could make you wish that colds and bronchitis were sexy afflictions (that’s all he ever saw me with, anyway) and a full head of gorgeous grey hair. He is Irish and damn sexy - and on top of that, he is a fantastic doctor.

Then there’s my dentist, who is one of those men who looks unbelievably hot with a fully bald head. Certainly his competence (and liberal applications of novocaine when my dental work this week hurt while in progress) is part of the sexy factor, but even without the confidence, he’s fine to look at.

Since I had nothing to do but think, I got to pondering about romance occupations. There are plenty of romance heroes who are doctors, business tycoons - and sheikhs, if you read any of those books. Heroines I’ve read range from business execs to secretaries, artists to musicians. Part of the fascination of some contemporary romance writers, and Nora Roberts’ books come to mind, is seeing what job the heroine will have.

I know Candy and I have mentioned in passing to each other at least once the many, many heroines who have creative right-brain jobs, and heroes who have businessy left-brain jobs. I’ve encountered it time and again, so it makes the curious exceptions so much more entertaining.  And for the hero to have a technically detailed and challenging job such as medicine - which often involves the human element of caring for other people - well, that character line has oft been explored as well. (My personal favorite example, for the record: Dr. Cox on Scrubs. John McGinley does a wonderful job with the crusty-exterior/wounded heart-of-gold character that is almost a cliche sometimes in the hands of the wrong writer.)

When it comes to employment, it must be a challenge to pick your character’s career, especially in the US where your job is so closely tied to your identity. One asks what someone “does” for a living, but often the answer is, “I am....” A job is often a major element to one’s definition of self. So in the context of romance protagonists, career is a big, big choice.

That said, I ask the Bitchery:

1. What careers for heroes and heroines have you noticed as most common?
2. What jobs are unheard of in romance? Meat packer? Butcher? Felon?
3. What job would you LOVE to see?

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DeSalvo,PartDeux

by SB Sarah Monday, February 27, 2006 at 01:33 PM

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Sarah: Perm + Man-titty + WAY TOO MUCH BRONZER = hilarity. Do you think if you moisten your finger and wipe it down his chest, you can reveal the pasty white skin beneath? What a handy place to write down notes and phone numbers. “Hang on, I have his number, it’s right here on the Highlander’s left man-tit.”

Candy: Indeed, when I’m feeling pasty after a grey, brutal Portland winter and I’m longing for some time in the sun so that I, y’know, no longer glow in the fucking dark, I immediately think of decamping to the Scottish Highlands.

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Sarah: I think his man-titty is holding up his plaid sash. And have you ever noticed that on all the deSalvo covers, his arms are bent because he’s so built he can’t straighten his arms, and, more importantly, his legs are spread, like his man junk is SO big he can’t close his legs? What’s he hiding under that kilt? Priapism?

Candy: Egad! The pirates, English rakes and randy horsemen have all infected the Highlanders with the inability to lace up their shirts before tucking them into their waistbands! When will the madness stop? Won’t somebody think of the children?

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Sarah: I giggled for a good half-hour at this cover. Even Hubby walked around the house: “Laird of the Wind! TOOT!” Seriously, sir, you do not want to be Laird of the Wind in a kilt. There’s nothing there to stop your wind from, um, escaping the confines. You might want to refrain from eating so many beans if you’re still having that problem - unless it’s not beans. Maybe you and last week’s Hot Buttsecks Wind Indian are Lairds of Brokeback Mountain?

Candy: See that eagle soaring off in yonder distance? It was totally blown off its feet in an unanticipated lift-off, courtesy of this particular laird’s wind. Gives “wind beneath my wings” a new meaning entirely. People oft wondered what sorcery the Laird wrought when on Tuesday mornings, all the eagles within the immediate vicinity would take flight whenever he stepped out, but really, that’s just because Monday night is always 5-Alarm Chili night.

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