Smart Bitches Trashy Books | All of the romance, none of the bullshit.

Kassia Krozer over at Romancing the Blog discussed her instant “No” reaction to a good many romance single titles, inspired by the oft-bitchslapped-on-this-page-and-rightfully-so Cassie Edwards. Asks Kassia, “How scary is [it] that I can buy into alien-on-human sex more readily than sheiks and Indians?”

Good question! Anyone feel the same?

Sarah: Well, there’s no font to ridicule. It’s really a pity that this image leaves us so little to work with in terms of mockage. I mean, he’s a world-champion boxer with the belt to prove it, and a really faygala man-vest that looks to be made of some stretch velour fabric.

And she appears to be polishing the belt with her breath, or maybe trying to take it off with her teeth, while wearing scarves and a wide belt for clothing. Perhaps there was some sort of an emergency and she had to flee the scarf and chiffon section of Macy’s with just two purple cloths and a belt, and make her way in the world.

Really. So little to work with.

Candy: Yowza. I think Fabio is a bit confused there. You need to remove your pants before shoving a woman’s face to your crotch in an effort to force her to give you a hum job. Or maybe he just has a fetish for belt-buckle patterns imprinted on his girlfriends’ faces. Either way, I just wish it didn’t seem like he was slamming her into his twiddly bits with such force. I mean, look at how their hair is being blown about in an apparently enclosed space. Unless they have their air conditioning cranked WAY the hell up, it just makes it seem like he’s pulling her towards him at 60 mph, or they’re whipping their heads around for no good reason.

I never thought I’d say this, but… their outfits make me actively yearn for the old-fashioned Spandex far-future uniforms of yore. And you KNOW an outfit’s bad when it makes the people on Star Trek look like cutting-edge fashionistas in comparison.

Sarah: Is it me, or does the “E” in “Love” kind of look like Homestar Runner? Maybe it’s me.

Let me express how glad I am that this style of cover has gone the way of the wind - heck, that clich covers in general are on their way out. This is particularly bizarre, though, sort of a late-70’s colored attempt at art deco stylings. Very convenient imagery, though. He’s already naked. She’s got a very long neck and a very long nose, and… her boobs are on their way south as well, so soon they will be very long, too.

If I were an art namer, which would be a cool job, I would have to name this, “Battle of the Chins.” One of them is going to poke an eye out with those mega sharp chins. Hers is sharper than her nose. Ouch!

Candy: I love how each era inflicts its bad hair and make-up practices on its cover art, regardless of what time period the cover is supposed to represent. I mean, can the woman actually open her eyes? Her mascara is so thick that her eyelashes must weight about a pound apiece.

At least this particular couple has the good sense to be naked and amorous in an indoor setting instead of in the middle of the desert, caught in some kind of crazy electrical storm. Whatever will the duenna think, though, when she walks into the parlor and finds Lord Montieth buck-ass nekkid and playing dueling banjos (if you know what I mean) with the virgin with the bad make-up on the chaise longue? (And people: it’s chaise longue, which literally means “long chair” in French, and not chaise lounge, which literally means “Please pay closer attention to how words are spelled.")

Sarah: This is one of my favorite covers of all time. It’s just so damn horrible. She’s attempting to pull him to the ground by his handle-bar-esque pectoral muscles. He’s already got her shirt half off, and… is he wearing a pair of UGGS? Fabio, you fashionable devil you. Britney and you, both Ugg-sporting fashionistas.

I think it’s the woman that’s so egregious. She looks like a hooker--and really, don’t you want some level of restraint on the cover? I mean, it’s a romance, not a woman walking up to Ugg-Fabio (a good name for him) and saying, ‘NOW, Mr Thunder! NOW!’

And now, a word about the title. My husband has savage thunder. He likes to release his under the covers so that I can asphyxiate come morning on 8-hour-old savage thunder carcass. In short, thunder of the savage variety is not romantic.

Candy: Yeah, what’s with Lindsey and the thundering titles? She and Mary Jo Putney should get together and swap chili recipes or something. Damn.

This time, our intrepid red-haired harlot is reversing some roles: instead of getting pulled with great velocity into Fabio’s crotch as in Keeper of the Heart, she’s the one doing the pulling now, and succeeding with some speed judging by the way Fabio’s hair is flying about. But frankly, she doesn’t look aroused, she looks distressed, and he looks mildly peeved. “PLEASE, you have to help the orphans!” she seems to be saying; he seems to be trying to pry her off and telling her “Lady, let go of my vest, I have to join the parade before the Dykes on Bikes pass Broadway and Yamhill Street.”

Or maybe he’s tossing her aside in favor of catching the horsie in the background that looks like it’s FREAKING THE FUCK OUT. Because you know what they say about the, ahem, strong relationships forged between a man and his horse on those long, lonely trips on the plains.

Ohhhh, I loves it when Mrs. Giggles goes on a tear and makes fun of romance novel conventions. This time she rips romantic suspense a new one. And it’s SO entertaining. If anything or anyone could ever induce me to use that throbbing heart animated GIF in an actual blog entry, I’m thinking Mrs. Giggles would probably be it.

You know what, personally, bugs me the most about romantic suspense? (And I mean in all its forms--book, TV and movie.) That the agents stand out so much from the general population. They practically scream “HEY LOOK AT ME! I’M A COVERT AGENT! AND I’M GOOOOOD IN BED! YEAH!” I’m thinking being so conspicuous would seriously fuck up your cover, and make you an easy target for enemy agents.

The lack of muscle tone in most of the women playing secret agents/assassins in movies and TV also bothers me. Yeah, I know, I’m one to talk, Miss Lacks-biceps-so-severely-her-arms-are-almost-concave, but all those anorexic women walking around throwing unconvincing punches bothers me a LOT. What, they can’t hire women who don’t deliberately yak the two leaves of lettuce they had for lunch to play secret agents? Oh wait, it’s Hollywood. Right.

Ditto all of these agents sashaying around and assassinatin’ fools in super-shiny PVC bodysuits and patent leather spiky boots. The perfect secret agent, in my opinion, looks pretty unobtrusive, wears sensible shoes (have you tried WALKING in 5-inch spiked heels, much less running full-tilt-boogie in those fuckers without having either the heel of the shoe or your ankle snap clean off?) and dresses in comfortable clothing that allows them a full range of motion without fear that delivering a roundhouse kick will rip the seams in embarrassing places.

Yes, yes, I know, it’s fiction, blah blah blah, and sexy is nice, but for once I’d like to read about or watch secret agents and assassins who look, or at least dress and work, like Jean Reno in The Professional. Because I remember watching that movie about ten years ago and thinking “Holy shit! It makes so much more sense for an assassin to dress like a normal person.”

Ahem. Sorry. Enough ranting. On to the next bit of link-whoring:

Meljean has come up with some roll-on-the-floor, piss-your-pants funny shit in her entries about re-visiting old romance novel favorites. So far, she’s covered her first romance novel and her first DIK. Go! Read! Plotz!

I’ve gone NUTS. Seriously, I have.

I’ve been having a bad couple of days, with some drama going on both at work and at home. (Don’t worry, I’m not about to lose my job, but some Bigwigs HAVE lost their jobs, hence everyone is walking on eggshells and waiting for more axes to fall as the next inevitable round of “restructuring” begins.) As a result, I’ve been much, much more snarly and cranky than usual.

Do I work my stress out by exercising? Meditating? Learning to let go of my anger? Or (most realistically) watching some old episodes of Sealab 2021 to cheer me up?

No. That’s what a sane person would’ve done, and do recollect, I have declared myself non compos mentis.

Instead, I went on Amazon, my pretties, and in a veritable spree of mouse-clicking, bought these books:

Till Next We Meet by Karen Ranney

It’s a Love Thang by Reon Laudat

Velvet Glove by Emma Holly

Menage by Emma Holly

Personal Assets by Emma Holly

Beyond Innocence by Emma Holly

Beyond Seduction by Emma Holly

Somebody Wonderful by Kate Rothwell

Somebody To Love by Kate Rothwell

With Every Breath by Maureen Smith

Buying books is a sickness with me. And the worst thing is, I don’t want to get help. I’m a biblioholic, happily drowning in a sea of paper and bad cover art.

Kristin, a commenter on an older entry today asked, “I like the new trend toward paranormal romance.  It poses some very interesting conflicts. But you need to be a good writer to pull it off.  Can someone suggest to me some paranormal romance authors that are worth reading???”

Pondering this question, and the many, many, other recommendations people have made on this site (thus raising Candy’s and my own TBR piles to such precarious heights that I am told I need a builder’s permit before I attempt to reduce them) has made me realize: collectively, we are among the more well-read romance readers out there, particularly when Candy or I try to stump you with a romance personal ad.

This got me thinking: we should set up a reference section of recommendations by genre and type. So here’s what we’ll do: we will request any and all author/title/series recommendations from you, our knowledgeable and clever readership (don’t ever say kissing up never gets you anywhere), for a specific genre and type of romance. Then, Candy and I will take your names, website links, and recommendations and compile them into reference pages. That way, if you’ve got a hankering for some paranormal romance with a particular type of paranormal activity, you can check out our community recommendations, and check out what other authors a particular person has recommended. Thus, you know who likes what you like, and can take your word that one should stay away from recent Jude Devereauxs in the paranormal department, but run like the wind to find yourself some Anne Stuart.

Kirstin was looking for paranormal recommendations - but that seems a broad request. So for our first reader recommendation request: Paranormal: Vampire romances.

Bring us your tired, your bloodthirsty, your huddled undead yearning to get it on with some hot monkey lovin’!