Smart Bitches Trashy Books | All of the romance, none of the bullshit.

Congratulations, Jenica, for correctly guessing the answer to today’s Guess That Lonely Heart - Victoria from Catherine Coulter’s Moonspun Magic.

The Smart Bitches Hereby Dub Thee:

S/he who giveth the name of the heroine, the name of the author, and the name of the book in most haste shall find themselves in ownership of a Smarte Bitche Title.

Help me escape - and extinguish the light, please.

Recently blossomed, though scarred, young heiress seeks stunningly handsome captain to help me escape evil guardian who seeks to, well, deflower my bloom. Must be willing to see beneath the surface and past planted suspicions, as I will certainly have to see past your superficial resemblance to evil in order to trust you. Marrying me for honor’s sake is understandable, but you must ‘fess up to the Luuuuurve™ eventually or I and your stalk will certainly wilt.

I had dinner the other night with a friend of mine who, as we were all discussing books we’d read and liked, intoned in as snide a voice as possible, “Aren’t you embarrassed to admit you read romance novels?”

“Nope.”

And honestly, one of the reasons I am over my embarrassment, which I fully admit I did have for a long time, is due to this website. I have always known that romance novel readers were a savvy lot, and that having the ability to appreciate explorations of female sexuality, emotional health and recovery from trauma, feminist rhetoric in traditional fairy tales, and the difficulty in crafting fine writing based on an established formula is nothing to be ashamed about. Especially considering the glut of romance that pours out every month - finding a well-crafted novel is a hard thing to do sometimes.

And my other friend present at that conversation, herself not a reader of romance, said that it’s just like mystery as a genre - it’s so popular there’s a lot of dreck out there.

So of course the first person made a comment about “housewives from Omaha” being hard core into their romance, making it sound as if puffy-paint women in middle-US states were the only ones who read romance.

I decided it wasn’t worth my time trying to establish any argument about why she was wrong wrong wrong, because really, I know that being smart and liking romance are not mutually exclusive, and if she thinks my choice of reading isn’t savvy and intelligent, why do I care?

But I was bothered by her derision because I spend WAY too much time on this site where everyone has such erudite, clever discussions about romance and the process of writing and reading it, so I figure everyone on the earth can appreciate romance the way we do. So to hear that old prejudice rearing it’s head? Ugh.

Then, last night, I was on the subway with an absolute crowd of romance readers. Of course the rule on the subway is, “Thou shalt not talk to the strangers,” so I couldn’t say a word, but holy hell - one chick was reading Medeiros, two people were reading Linda Howard, a third was reading Meg Cabot/Jenny Carroll, and I totally think I saw someone reading a Gabaldon, which is a big shock because those things, they are heavy. It was hard as all get out not to break the silence of the subway car and ask them how they liked their book.

So I’m still not the only one - phew! - who reads romance in public without shame. I love it when the not-so-secret society of romance readers show themselves in public - especially in a town like New York City, which at all times tries desperately to live up to its own hype. It almost makes me want to start a photo-blog of hidden candids of people reading romance. But that is waaaay too stalkish for me.

Edit: Assume, for this article, that I’m talking in particular about well-written, entertaining reviews by people with a better-than-tenuous grasp on English and logic, and not poorly-written hack reviews, either positive or negative.

Via Paperback Writer, Cynthia Harrison quotes author and literary critic James Atlas on why we love negative reviews.

“Why is a stern critical denunciation so invigorating? It appeals, I think, to the punitive, grudging, envious impulses we generally suppress in our daily social transactions, gives expression to hostile, aggressive instincts through a sanctioned mode of discourse.”

I think the dude is reading just a bit too much into it. Oh, make no mistake, my sense of schadenfreude is very well-developed, as are my usual stand-bys, Bitchery, Hateration and pure, good-old fashioned Malice. But let’s face it, it’s not as if I suppress my punitive, grudging and otherwise eeeville impulses a whole lot. If I’m pissed at someone or think they’re a raging moron, they generally know, either because I tell them so, or I give them The Look--you know, the one that says “Wow, I didn’t know the extensive excision of so much matter from the prefrontal cortex would allow a person to walk and breathe as efficiently as you seem to.” (I think of The Look as self-defense, because before I developed it, someone would, without fail, come whining to me about the color printer being broken WITHOUT READING THE ERROR MESSAGE THAT’S DISPLAYED ON THE HUGE FUCKING LCD SCREEN. After the development of The Look, people actually come to me only when the printer is about to blow up, and not because friggin’ Tray One is out of paper.)

Ahem, where was I? So, I don’t love reading negative reviews because I can’t vent often enough. I love reading negative reviews because they’re usually funny as hell. There are few who can write a positive review and still keep it hilarious. One of them is Bam--just read her Linda Howard reviews. She almost (almost!) makes me want to pick up a Linda Howard, even the novels I’d read in the past that sent my blood pressure skyrocketing because I wanted to drown the hero and heroine in concentrated hydrochloric acid, but couldn’t, and instead I had to content myself with gnashing my teeth in the knowledge that an HEA awaited the protagonists instead of a slow and painful death. Mrs. Giggles does a pretty creditable job, too--of writing entertaining positive reviews, that is, not gnashing her teeth. I don’t know her well enough to judge her teeth-gnashing abilities.

Why are negative reviews so funny? Because comedy, my friends, is predicated on pain. Watching the crip-fight between Timmy and Jimmy on South Park is hysterically funny, even if it makes you feel dirty and wrong for laughing. Having Timmy and Jimmy set aside their differences and become friends? Not funny, even if it’s uplifting and positive and all that shit.

Think of all the jokes you know and love. The really, really good ones that make you howl with laughter. I guarantee you, almost all of them, from “Dopey fucked a penguin, Dopey fucked a penguin!” to “Did you really think I asked for a twelve-inch pianist?” are based on somebody’s pain, suffering and/or humiliation.

Even the fluffiest, most friendly and toothless Meg Ryan romantic comedies *crosses self for invoking the Name of Evil* base their humor on pain.

So in summary:

Pain = teh funney

Good things and fluffy kittens = adorable, sweet, uplifting, etc. but not really funny

And I have to admit, I like writing negative reviews better than I do positive reviews. The eeeville reviews are cathartic. The book has made me suffer through yea these many hours of horrendous prose. I can only dream of returning the favor. Positive reviews of books I really like are fun to write too; the snark is toned down considerably, but the excitement of “HolyshitthisbookisawesomeIneedtotellotherpeople NOWNOWNOW!” carries me through. The hardest reviews to write are usually the “meh” reviews--the B minuses, the Cs. Lukewarm feelings for lukewarm books tend to make for lukewarm prose.

So let’s hear it: do any of you love reading negative reviews as much as I do, even when it’s savaging a book you actually like? Why do you like it? Do you think my assertion that comedy = pain is full of shit? Have any evil, evil jokes to share? Have at it in the comments.

Edited to Add:

Here’s a perfect demonstration of what makes something funny:

This Craigslist rant? Not funny.

This reply? AWESOMELY FUNNY.

The Very Tall Husband made this banner a while back as a sig file for the Something Awful forums. Since we were talking so much about Thundercats earlier, I thought I’d share the love.

The gay inter-species love.

FEEL IT.