Smart Bitches Trashy Books | All of the romance, none of the bullshit.

How many romances can you think of that feature working girls - the real kind of working girl, not the power-suit, business tycoon working girl - as the heroines?

Holly Golightly in “Breakfast at Tiffany’s” comes to mind, though that isn’t really a romance. Tracy Quan’s Diary of a Manhattan Callgirl comes to mind, but that’s not a romance really, either. (For those of you who haven’t read it, it’s about a call girl who is engaged to a man who has absolutely no idea what she does for a living).

Can a romance author make a ho a heroine? Can a call girl, even a glamourous high-price one, fall in love and have a happily ever after in romantic fiction? Or is it one of the many taboos out there, begging to be broken in the world of romance, such as sports heros, military men, and historicals set in France, all of which were once “oh this will never sell” and are now hot property (well, the first two are, for sure).

Given that I’m new to romantica and erotica, is this a plot theme explored in newer publications? Does the ho get a happily ever after? And what does that say about sex and women - are we able to exchange it as a commodity and still reserve the ability to emotionally connect through sex with the Right Man? Perhaps this is an archaic sexual double standard that sexually-adventurous romances will be able to topple. Emma Holly’s heroines are certainly sexually spunky - but they aren’t paid for their pleasures.

So, are there any ho-heroines in romance? And can I call them “whoroines?”

LLB writes on RtB about the career woman in romance. How come so many heroines give up their big-shot jobs in the city to move to the rural idyll of small-town America to be with their heros, she asks.

My theory: much like I suspect chick lit is impressing the idea of home-and-family-based personal fulfillment on young women instead of career-based fulfillment, I suspect that plot lines that follow this path are blithely parallelling a “back to nature” argument that women are truly fulfilled in a traditionally-established atmosphere. Rural America with wheat fields and family trips in the Winnebago are more natural and authentic than living in a box apartment high above the city.

It’s not “natural” for women to have high powered careers at the expense of being caring homemakers, and a heroine who gives up her career to follow her man to Rural Outskirts, USA, is fulfilling herself and her life in a more traditional manner.

So what does this say about career women who find love? How many romances are there in the contemporary sphere that feature women in business falling for hunky men yet still making the board room meeting the following morning? I know I’ve read a few category romances of women in fields like real estate and journalism, but what about business? Lucy Monroe’s The Real Deal comes to mind, and SEP’s Hot Shot but is it as rare as my memory thinks it is?

I’m not saying that authors choose a traditional-fulfillment ending for their plot do so deliberately, nor am I wailing on them for their betrayal of feminism. It’s a perfectly valid decision - one that I encounter a LOT on pregnancy message boards between the stay-at-home moms and the work-out-of-home moms, and one that I think is as valid as the other choice(s) available to women.

But the number of traditional/home-fulfillment vs. career-fulfillment, or rural vs. city fulfillment romances seem, in my memory, to be imbalanced. Does this mean I should go home and put my feet up, after baking a pie? Because I could totally go for pie. 

You know, all the petty bitching I like to do was completely eclipsed today when I read this article in the Washington Post:

Pakistani Woman Seeks Justice in Gang Rape Case

Have you heard of Mukhtar Mai? She’s a Pakistani woman living in the remote village of Meerwala. I first heard about her through my sister, who e-mailed me about her case when it first happened. Back then, reading about it literally made me feel nauseous, and I’ve discovered that this holds true no matter how many times I read about it.

Mukhtar Mai’s 12-year-old brother had committed the heinous crime of walking around in public with a girl from another tribe. To avenge the girl’s and the tribe’s insulted honor, a tribal council ordered that Mukhtar be publicly gang-raped by four men. And to sweeten the deal, she was paraded naked through the whole village, in front of hundreds of onlookers.

More details can be found in this Times article.

Initially six men had been convicted in her case, but five of the convictions were overturned on appeal. The reason? Insufficient evidence. Given that the rape had been PUBLIC, all I can say is: WHAT THE FUCK? I don’t believe in the death penalty (believe it or not, I have a very, very strong pacifist streak when it comes to violent conflict and criminal justice), but for these motherfuckers? Kill them. Kill them slow. I want these shitsuckers to suffer.

It’s hard to believe that women are still treated like this in parts of the world. But they are. And it makes me incredibly angry, and incredibly sad.

This week’s cover showcase happened totally by accident - I went looking for the collection of bad “baby-themed romance” covers that I’d seen over the past few weeks, and found a completely separate category: celebrity models. Almost all of the dudes and a few of the women look like celebrities, and B-list celebrities at that.

So, not only do you get the “Whoa, is that ugly!” commentary, but you also can play the, “Wait a minute, isn’t that...?” game along with us. Thanks to Bono and the Highlander who both modeled for Rio Grande wedding and likely started this trend. Damn you!

Sarah:First, I have to say, I kind of hate men & baby covers. It’s a romance. It’s not a parenting book.

Secondly, it’s cold. Put some clothes and a goddamn hat on that baby right now or I will take her back to that orphanage in China and wait until some people with some sense come to adopt her. The only baby discovery he’s going to get is a discovery that Child Services is ready to bust open a big jar of whoopass.

Candy: I love how the guy’s hair sticks out just about as much as his chin does. HOTTTTT! I love dating men whose chins can double as a marital aid; makes oral sex that much more interesting.

Also, the stupid “Bachelor Dads” logo? Because of the three As in the block, I keep reading it as “Bachelor Daaads,” which in turn makes me think of the sheep in Animal Farm. “Four legs good, two legs bachelor daaaaaad.” Almost sounds like it could be Cockney rhyming slang too, and I can’t think of a more fitting rhyme for “bad” than “bachelor dad.”

Random side-note: This book must’ve been marketed in Malaysia or Indonesia, because the cover has a Malay sub-title ("Baby in the Snow"). This is not a particularly funny observation, although frankly I’m amazed that I remember enough Malay to translate that cover. It’s been about 10 years since I’ve had to read or speak that language.

Sarah: Hey, isn’t that the dude from 7th Heaven? And don’t you just love how the baby room is pink, the carpet is purple, it matches her outfit, AND she’s the one telling him how to put the crib together? And the tools are on HER side of the bedrail? Rev. Camden needs to take some lessons from his butch wifey there.

Candy: THESE ARE NOT REAL PEOPLE. THESE ARE STEPFORD PEOPLE. RUN, MOTHERFUCKERS, RUN!

Sarah: Christina Applegate has a not-so-secret baby. And she also has a not-so-secret need for some face powder to control that shine, too. Or is the secret that she’s not entirely ph-balanced, as a woman?

Candy: I was thinking Sarah Michelle Gellar, for some reason. Anyway, I feel bad for the little tyke. Being mashed against that bony clavicle has gotta hurt.

Sarah:Ok, first, she doesn’t look pregnant. Her boobs look damn funny -are they halfway down her chest? - but I don’t look at her and think, “Oh, totally expecting.” Second, what’s going on? Is she in labor? Is he helping? I don’t think that’s how it’s done. At least, I hope not, because I’m five months pregnant and I can’t stand it when the cats walk on my stomach, so don’t even talk to me about some dude pressing his big hand on my abdomen.

And speaking of dude, is that Billy Ray Cyrus? And isn’t that the chick from CSI:Miami?

Candy: I’m totally going to hell for saying this, but: it almost looks like the dude’s helping the woman to express her afterbirth for some unspeakably kinky fetish site.

And what is UP with those multi-colored jingle-jangles on her arm? Are they part of her sweater sleeves? Goddammit, when will 80s fashions die already?

And the dude totally looks like Billy Ray, only without the mullet, for which we are eternally grateful because that sweater has provided more than our fair share of fug for this cover.

Sarah:Lorenzo Lamas says, “I have been working out, and doing serious drama training for my role as a pedophile army dude who doesn’t know better than to play with little kids without my shirt on.” Uncle Sarge needs some parental supervision, if you ask me.

Candy: SO CREEPY. The way he’s holding the baby so possessively against him makes me think he’s using the kid to smuggle cocaine or something. He’s telling the girl “Touch this baby and I’ll CUT CHOO, leetle lady,” only all smiley because secretly? He’s looking forward to the cuttin’.

No, don’t ask me why when I see a romance novel cover featuring a shirtless dude in camo holding a baby I immediately think “Mercenary smuggling cocaine in baby” instead of “AWWW SQUEE HOW KYUTE!” You’re probably better off not knowing why I think the way I do.

Sarah: Ok, is he gay? I think he’s gay. Tight pants, very tight shirt? Furthermore, he looks like a Baldwin, but not a good looking Baldwin. He looks like a doofy Baldwin. Either that, or Just Jack from Will & Grace.

No! I’ve GOT IT. He’s DOUG from Trading Spaces!

Candy: Hey, what better way to ensure that you never, ever have another unexpected pregnancy than to date a guy who isn’t even remotely interested in getting you pregnant? Gay boyfriends: Birth Control, the All-Natural Way!

Did everyone else go see the AAR Cover Contest results and I was the only one who forgot to look and see the winners?

I love that (a) I was quoted and (b) the oral sex in the car won worst cover. Dang that cover is… well, I don’t know what it is.