Smart Bitches Trashy Books | All of the romance, none of the bullshit.

There’s a huge ad in the subway for the Twilight movie, which opens Friday, and it gives me the serious creeps. I can’t quite figure out how all of the posters and promotional materials for the movie have taken a completely acceptable looking dude and made him Super More Vacant and Stupid Looking. In the movie stills he looks rather interesting. In the promotional pictures he’s… disturbed. He’s creepy in a completely absent and unfocused way. Seriously.

Take a look at this shot, which was taken with my camera phone so it’s not the best quality. Is it me or are his eyes aligned improperly, so that they don’t seem to be staring at the same point? It’s not quite Lazy Eyed Vampire… it’s more that feeling of unease that comes with wonky Photoshopping. I know when I look at some of the ads on Photoshop Disasters, it takes me a second to figure out why the photo is so disturbing, because I’m busy being disturbed without knowing the reason. Then I realize, oh, her arm is 4” too short or her head doesn’t line up with her body, or she only has one leg.

But with Vacant Vampire stare, I’m still creeped without knowing the reason for the creepy. Yet again, there’s something about Edward, and I can’t put my finger on it precisely. He looks normal in the still photographs but every artists rendering for the promo photos yields The Not Quite All There Vampire Boy.

And side note: what is up with the making of Kristen Stewart’s face and lips as rounded and babyish as possible in the movie posters?  In the stills she looks much, much older, but the movie posters? She’s got baby fat cheeks and a much, much younger appearance. What’s next, a Love’s Baby Soft advertisement deal?

Bonus enjoyment: hypothetical letters between Edward Cullen and Sarah Palin. Thanks to Liz W. for the link.

The Smart Bitch Book needs a Smart Bitch Book Videomo*. And who better to make us wet our pants with laughter than the collective brilliance of The Bitchery?

*You’re probably asking yourself, “Self, what the fuck is a videomo?” Well, the answer, Self, is that it’s a pastiche of “video” and “promo.” Why not use the words Book + Trailer? Because “book trailer” is trademarked to Sheila Clover English, CEO of Circle of Seven Productions. So, Videomo it is. Sounds like Tony Romo, only not so much a Dallas Cowboy. And we doubt that any promo videos will date Jessica Simpson, though one never knows.

This is probably one of the bigger contests we’ve run, so get ready for a lot of explanation. The nutshell: you make a promo video about our book, upload it to YouTube and alert us to its presence. We collect all the entries on our channel, and showcase as many of them as possible as part of our Friday Video collections. A panel of Extremely Erudite, Intelligent, and Awesome people will select the winner, and the winner gets a holy shit huge prize package.

What’s a holy shit huge prize package? Behold:

Awhile back, a very nice lady contacted me about clinch covers. She was writing an article for Publishers Weekly, and several people told her that she ought to speak with me about cover art, so would I mind if she asked me about clinches?

Pah! says I. I would be pleased to talk about cover art! My opinions, gleaned from… three years of running this blog and searing my eyeballs with Covers Gone Wild!

The article went live today: The Forever Clinch by Lucinda Dyer, featuring a quote from yours truly, a mention of the Smart Bitch Book (THANK YOU) and a nod to some very wise people, including Kate Smith, founder of Romancing the Blog. The upshot: clinches can be awful but they’re not going away any time soon.

Best quote: Jennifer Enderlin from St. Martin’s Press: “Avoid at all cost poses where the heroine is bent so far backward she’ll be in need of a chiropractor.”

Well, don’t avoid it too often, please. We needeth the covers to snark! 

Another Sarah, another blog, another righteous sword of cover snark brought down upon the tackiest novels in existence.

My fave? “To restore the honor of Rome and of his own family, Severus Varus left the decadent life of Rome… his only hope was to join the barbarians.”

If that were an erotica novel, he’d need Burma Sauce for those barbarians, is all I’m sayin’.

[Thanks to Linda for the link.]

It’s soon to Turkey Day here in the United States of Carbs, and we’re happy to inspire your appetite, or perhaps drive it deep into the earth to hide until Groundhog’s Day, by allowing you to view and caption the following cover. What are they saying? What are they thinking? Dear GOD won’t someone think of the children? The blank eyed, oddly staring creepy children?

Best caption as chosen by me gets a $20 gift certificate to Amazon or Powell’s, your choice. Feel free to nudge my voting by telling me which in the comments is your fave.

And now… the cover. Feast (hur) your eyes on this!

[Thanks to Sharon and many others for the link.]