Smart Bitches Trashy Books | All of the romance, none of the bullshit.

We Smart Bitches hereby decree that no author shall use the following words in any sex scene:

- Whorls (especially describing chest hair)
- Flat copper/flat penny (so as to describe nipples)
- Weeping / sobbing (if describing pussy)
- Tits
- Cringe-inducing oxymorons like “savage tenderness”
- Actually, just nix the word “savage” from love scenes, period
- Nobody’s voice is allowed to ache unless they have the flu
- Look, just let hair be hair, OK? Enough already with the “flowing locks” and “silken tresses” bullshit.
- Orbs
- Quivering mounds of ANYTHING--are you writing about blancmange or people?
- Love grotto
- Every time I read “dance as old as time,” it makes me so mad, I want to punch somebody in the crotch. HARD. So please don’t use it. Think of all the crotches you’re saving from my wrath.
- Just as the cunny is not a face and cannot weep or sob, the groinal region does NOT have a weather system; when you combine both and have an unlikely body part rain tears of desire, that just makes Baby Jebus rain many, many tears of sadness.
- Comparing a cock to a pointy weapon mostly makes us go “ow,” so enough with the love-spear, mmmkay?
- One word for seafood metaphors and similes: NO. Even if you think you’re being wildly imaginative and elegant with your salmon imagery, the answer is still NO. NO. NO.
- If coming makes your hero’s gut wrench or otherwise feel as if bits of his innards are going to be torn out, may we suggest that he have the physician check him for ulcerative colitis?
- Huskily. Do not use this word. Makes me think of corn silk, or tamales. Not sex. Capisce?
- There should be no yearning.
- Please avoid using any of the following: arousal, manhood, manroot, staff, hardened desire. That last one sounds like some cheese that went bad in my fridge.
- Avoid any description of the heroine’s legs. They are long? Lithe? Silky? Please. Spare me.
- Sing with me now: the words that cannot be separated, and yet, they should: veritable cornucopia… absolutely positively… winged eyebrows. Did birds land on her face? Is she some kind of mutant?

Please, add on! 

After careful tabulation of the votes, the winner is Bonnie’s submission, #4: “He’d been in love with her for the last year, but he had decided that he’d rather be miserable than hurt me.” Translation: He’d rather make her miserable on many levels than grow a pair and act like an adult. 

Voters commented on the sad convergence of events and had many a remark for the ex in question: “Jerkface.” “Her best friend?” “What an asshat.  Well rid of him.” “OMG That man SUCKS.” We agree!

Second Place went to #7: “I got rid of a husband, an ugly truck and a mean dog all within the space of a week.” Voter comments varied from “I will NOT mess with her!” to “It would have gotten my vote if not for the dog.” It’s the cilantro of breakup stories: either you sat back on the corner of your ass and said, “Woo damn!” or, you sat back on the corner of your ass and said “Woo damn!”

Third Place was a tie between #13: She went to law school; he went to Switzerland, which generated the user comment, “What an ass,” and #14: “I was pregnant with our daughter- due to deliver in one week- and he just up and left. That one got a LOT of comments, even from voters who ultimately cast their vote in another direction, who said things such as, “#14 made my BLOOD boil. Who leaves their 9 months preggers wife? Bastard!”

But back to our winner: behold, our prizes for the Worst Breakup Story contest:

First, the Smart Bitch Title! Kneel, Ms. Bonnie.

And second, the Smart Bitch prize: a partner that will never let you down, and will never hurt you, unless you want it to:

The SofTouch Kitty Vibrator, which comes with the Smart Bitch seal of approval. Or yodel of approval. Make every night a night you say, “Helloooooo Kitty.”

Congratulations! 

Not work safe. Click at your own risk. Will cause searing eye pain. Etc.

Sam is our latest inductee into our ‘sclusive club of Smart Bitch Title Holders. This time, she won it for guessing the answer to this week’s personal ad--one of my all-time favorite Judith McNaught novels, Something Wonderful. Kneel, and brace yourself, Sam, because behold, thou art crowned:

Woo hoo, ‘tis that time of the week again. Guess the correct title, author and hero’s name (no hero’s name, no banana!) and get yourself a shiny happy Smart Bitch Title!

Assholes Anonymous

SWM. My mom was a slutbag ho, my dad was neglectful and kinda abusive, and this means I get to be a great big jerk. So: looking for a sweet, impoverished young thang to accidentally compromise so her scheming mama can force me to marry her (yes, this happened to powerful dukes ALL THE TIME in nineteenth-century England, and don’t let anyone tell you different), then I’ll disappear for a long time, and she’ll have plenty of time to be disillusioned with me, and then I’ll come back hoping to find that beautiful ingenue but instead of the tomboyish urchin, she’s beautiful and sophisticated and getting married to my cousin--what the fuck, yo?