Smart Bitches Trashy Books | All of the romance, none of the bullshit.

Beth’s Smart Bitches Day post this week discusses which romance novel clichés she particularly likes. I think it’s funny that we enjoy many of the same ones, like pirates, cross-dressing heroines, Forbidden Attraction and smarty-mcsmart heroines who actually are intelligent and not total airheads who manage to quote the occasional dead Greek man. Man, we have such excellent taste in cheesy plot devices. Here are some other romance novel plot devices I really, really like:

Sarah: This is one of the most memorable Lindsey covers for me. She looks uncomfortable, like he stopped her from leaning over the port side and hurling into the sea. The ocean behind them looks pretty rough, and she does not look particularly well. See that sick expression on her face?

“Please, put me down, I’m going to boof.”

And as for you, Mr. Hunkadunk, I see that you’ve tucked your shirt into your massively thick and uncomfortable looking belt. Perhaps if your shirt blowing around is a nusiance, you might try buttoning it!

Also, I keep misreading the lettering as “Gentile Rogue.”

Candy: Oh, how I weep that bad eyeshadow colors were inflicted upon hapless maidens even hundreds of years ago. Aquamarine eyeshadow is the true abomination, not sodomy. When will people learn?

And Sarah, I didn’t think her expression looks so much seasick as… pained. As if Fabulous slid a buttplug into Miss Thang without bothering to use lube. See, she embodies two abominations in one! Four if you count her lipstick and foundation as two separate items.

As for Fabio: as always, he renders me speechless. Like you said, I like how he took the time and trouble to tuck the billowing shirt into his belt, but couldn’t bring himself to BUTTON THE FUCKING THING.

This cover features the elusive trifecta most romance novels can only dream of, by the way: There’s a Hint o’ Dick, I Got Coochy and, best of all, Whole Lotta Titty--on both hero and heroine’s parts.

Sarah: I have a heart of thunder. I have heartburn like you wouldn’t believe. This cover is not helping. Oh, the many peculiarities. What’s up with her hair? Her face? And the locale? They appear to be swooning in a lush patch of foliage in the middle of the desert near Devil’s Finger - in a lightning storm. Surely bumping uglies in a desert with an electrical storm moving in is not advisable, according to the National Weather Service. Nice suggestive blossoms, though.

And dude, dude. Your face is… squished. And you are...very tan. Wait, is this a Wishes-it-were-an-Edwards-"Savage" story? Alas, no, that is “Hank Chavez, the rough-hewn, insolvent outlaw.” He’s not a “savage;” he’s “insolvent.” And according to this cover, rather unwashed, too.

Candy: Insolvent? I think it probably means that regular soap and water are unable to cut throught the three-inch layer of oil and dirt this guy seems to have caked on him and one needs to resort to industrial solvents like toluene to do the job. Just like another Lindsey cover, this one revisits the pairing of stank-ass-nasty naked man with a woman dolled up like a two-bit whore, preparing to bump uglies while a lurid sky looks like it’s going to dump five different kinds of shitty weather on their horny asses.

And furthermore, what does the title even MEAN? It sounds singularly unpleasant. If you have a heart of thunder, may I please suggest you look up a good cardiologist? It just makes me think of that Strong Bad video game: YOUR HEART A SPLODE. Internal Organ + Violent Weather = Moronic Title. “Stomach of Lightning.” “Colon of Hail.” “Thyroid Gland of Tornado.” See? It’s equally stupid when you apply it to other organs. “Eyes of Blizzard.” “Penis of Hurricane.” “Vagina of Torrential Rainstorm.” Almost makes me want to make another romance novel title generator. (Though admittedly the last one makes more sense than I want it to.)

But this is “Covers Gone Wild,” not “Incredibly Stupid Titles Gone Wild.” That would have to be a whole other ‘nother weekly feature.

Sarah: This cover is akin to “Defy Not the Heart” weirdness. Can you imagine the artist trying to sell this cover concept?

“They’re in a snow storm. He’s wearing this weird cape and doublet dealie, and he has perfectly coiffed hair, while she’s got her dress half-falling down her astonishing bosom, and her hair is blowing straight sideways in the wind. There’s a castle, some storm clouds and snow - and here’s the best part! Wait for it.... wait for it.... there is a Viking ship sailing straight up out of her ass!”

And oh my God you couldn’t make this up unless you were a Smart Bitch thinking up prize titles: the heroine’s name is Kristen Haardrad! BWAHAHAHAHAHA!

Candy: I didn’t picture that Viking ship coming out of her ass so much as get the impression that her hair is regularly used as some kind of weird hiding place for presents and other objects. Like, he’s taking her hair down all sensually and shit, and he’s running his fingers through it and hoping he’ll get to brush against some hooter on the way down when his fingers snag on something and he’s thinking “WHAT THE FUCK” but she’s all “HONEY, SURPRISE! Look what I got you for your Christmas! Do you like it?”

And is it too much of a copyright violation for us to create a “Duchess of Haardrad”? Because goddamn, I really, really want to.

Tall, snarky, not-too-bright blonde chick dies, is resurrected with superpowers that include unusual strength and speed and is dragged into the battle of Good vs. Evil, kicking and screaming and making pop culture references all the way. Sound familiar? Yeah, the Undead franchise has been so good to Davidson that she’s now saving other people the trouble and is blatantly ripping herself off, down to the black best friend and taciturn, hot, dark-haired hero. She could’ve called this book Undead and Microchipped. Feh.

Thanks to Monica, I found Brenda Coulter’s blog, which I’ll probably be checking out regularly from now on. (Note to self: Must update sidebar links.) This entry about double-standards in judging fiction in particular made me chuckle, and I agreed with much of what was said. This bit, though, made me sigh a little: “I’ve said before that I don’t consider myself a feminist, and I don’t twist myself in knots trying to be politically correct. But when someone displays prejudice of this magnitude in a public forum, even a non-militant type like me tends to take offense on behalf of her gender.”

Since when were all feminists militant? That’s like saying all Christians are homophobic Bible-thumpers. I’m a feminist, and although I’m outspoken, I don’t think I’m militant in my views. My feminist stance is very simple: I think a woman should be free to do whatever turns her crank, whether she wants to be a CEO or an engineer or a porn star or a stay-at-home mom, or whether she wants to subscribe fully to religious fundamentalist doctrines of female submission (I know a fundie Christian whose wife doesn’t work outside the house and doesn’t vote because they both fully believe in this). The key words here are “freedom” and “choice.”

The way I see it, if you believe in things like equal work for equal pay and that women deserve to be free from discrimination and double-standards, and that our voices deserve to be heard when it comes to decisions that affect our lives--either personal or political--you’re a feminist. There is such a wide variety of movements and schools of thought, from wacky-ass militant separatists (which is what most people think of when they think “feminist,” I’m afraid) to ifeminism (which in my opinion is only very nominally feminist) that very often these central tenets are all that they have in common.

What puzzles and irks me the most is when professional or politically-active women speak disparagingly of feminism. Lady, if it weren’t for feminists, you woudn’t be allowed to vote, own property, have custody of your children should something Very Bad happen to the marriage, work outside the house or attend the same schools men do, much less receive the same professional accreditation men do. Show feminists some love, and think long and hard: are YOU a closet feminist? If you are, come out of the closet. Hey, you already read romance novels, right?

Today’s (uhhh, actually, yesterday’s) Romancing the Blog entry was about author blogs influencing book-buying decisions. With me, it really boils down to this: If I refrained from reading books written by assholes or people whose opinions differ in any way from mine, I’d run out of books pretty damn quick; I think my list of authors would probably be pared down to, like, Eric Schlosser and Jennifer Crusie. Aside from that, I also find it fascinating to read books by people whose views are radically different from mine. A couple of years ago I tried reading Mein Kampf, for example, but I had to quit at page 150 because it was seriously sending me to sleep. I never knew anti-semitic vitriol could be so boring.

Blogs have introduced a lot of authors to me; recently I saw a PBW book written under the Lynn Viehl pseudonym (If Angels Burn) and I picked it up because I recognized the name through her blog. I certainly don’t agree with some of her opinions, but the premise of the book sounded interesting, and hey, if I gave Hitler a chance, I had to extend the same courtesy to PBW, no? (Note: in case it wasn’t obvious, that last remark was strictly in jest, and I’m inserting this clunky disclaimer only because I am completely opposed to using smilies in my blog posts.) The book flunked the 15-page in-store preview, though, and it’s the only reason I didn’t buy it. The other day I saw an Alison Kent book, and while I agree with her views (as presented on her blog, anyway) more than PBW’s and Alison’s on-line persona is much less abrasive, the same thing happened: 15-page preview didn’t grab me, so no go. Monica Jackson’s In My Dreams, on the other hand, passed the 15-page test. And now that I’ve finished the latest Emma Holly I checked out from the library, I’m going to start reading this one, Monica, so the review should be up soon. Be afraid. Be very, very afraid.

(Funnily enough, I found out about Monica not through her blog, but through LLB’s blog. Anyone else think that if these two meet that there will be a catastrophic explosion such as what happens when matter and anti-matter collide and spontaneously annihilate each other?)

Similarly, I’m interested in checking out other authors’ books whose blogs I read should I see them in the stores. If I see a Holly Lisle book I’ll give it a fair trial, even though I categorically disagree with her stance on abortion. I’ll give Kate Rothwell’s books a try too, ditto Lydia Joyce. Monica Jackson brought up Brenda Coulter in her blog entry about this issue, and though I definitely disagree with Coulter on some things, I’ll check out her books if I see them since I’m still determined to give Inspirationals a fair shot, though God knows when I’ll get around to that because Emma Holly is seriously starting to fuck up my TBR stacks.

That 15-page in-store trial, man. It’s really the final arbiter of what I buy, unless the book’s by an autobuy author. The blog thing? The authors’ entries may make for good rant fodder for this site, but I honestly don’t think it affects my purchasing habits other than the exposure to a huge variety of new-to-me authors.