Smart Bitches Trashy Books | All of the romance, none of the bullshit.

I ordered a pair of mitten/gloves - the kind where there’s fingerless gloves inside mitten tops which flip over the gloves. But what makes these mittens so funky that I’m telling you about them is: Retractable Thumbs!

From DebzCreations at Etsy:

The idea for thumb flaps was given to me by a customer after trying to use a pen while wearing her new convertible gloves.

With a flick of your finger you can open the thumb flap and use a pen without removing your gloves. Or pop both thumb flaps and you can text away on your cell!!

As someone who spends a good amount of time typing with her thumbs, I’m so excited about these gloves, it’s ridiculous. And since I know so many of you are thumb typers, too, I figured warm thumb typing would be a gift that keeps on giving. Or, gvng.

I’m savoring a lot of time on Etsy lately shopping for gifts, and it’s dangerous fun. Fun because, well, crap, there’s Snarky Cards and Snarky Cross Stitch (I’m a big fan of “Fuck Cancer.") and dangerous because, crap, now I’m not going to get anything done today. 

Welcome to another edition of Everything I Need to Know, I Learned from Romance Novels, where I attempt to give advice. Or talk out of my ass. Or both!

Today’s letter comes from Frustrated, who is friends with an aspiring novelist.

My longtime friend and I have always talked about writing a romance novel. Recently she finished writing a novel that she’s enormously proud of. I’m proud of her for finishing it! Now here’s the problem: she wants me to help her get it published. A guy I used to work for now works for a publishing house in New York, and she wants me to send it to him. He’s in the accounting department, for one thing, and for another, I haven’t spoken to him in over two years. I’d feel really weird and awkward asking him for a favor.

The other problem is that I don’t think her novel is really very good, but she doesn’t really listen to my opinion because, as she says, I’m not really qualified to critique her book. She asked another mutual friend of ours to read it after I did, and while that friend told her how wonderful the book was, privately she told me that she thought it was awful. This novel is all my friend talks about now whenever we meet for lunch or I see her after work, and I don’t know what to do.

Suppose you have a mullet and you’ve been looking for love in all the wrong places. First, have you tried the Minnesota State fair? Or, perhaps, Pittsburgh? Your online dating location is ready, then: MulletPassions.com is:

[a] 100% free social networking & online dating site specifically for singles with a mullet...and for those with the taste and style to appreciate these unique trendsetters.

I sense a romance or twenty in the making.

[Hat tip to the Washington Post and Chicago Tribune for covering this timely, crucial story.]

Meet Nathan Kamp:

Hi Mr. Kamp!

Meet Nathan Kamp’s Bukkit:

Hi Mr. Kamp’s Bukkit!

See Mr. Kamp’s Romance Cover:

But wait! Mr. Kamp does not like the color of her dress!

There’s a huge ad in the subway for the Twilight movie, which opens Friday, and it gives me the serious creeps. I can’t quite figure out how all of the posters and promotional materials for the movie have taken a completely acceptable looking dude and made him Super More Vacant and Stupid Looking. In the movie stills he looks rather interesting. In the promotional pictures he’s… disturbed. He’s creepy in a completely absent and unfocused way. Seriously.

Take a look at this shot, which was taken with my camera phone so it’s not the best quality. Is it me or are his eyes aligned improperly, so that they don’t seem to be staring at the same point? It’s not quite Lazy Eyed Vampire… it’s more that feeling of unease that comes with wonky Photoshopping. I know when I look at some of the ads on Photoshop Disasters, it takes me a second to figure out why the photo is so disturbing, because I’m busy being disturbed without knowing the reason. Then I realize, oh, her arm is 4” too short or her head doesn’t line up with her body, or she only has one leg.

But with Vacant Vampire stare, I’m still creeped without knowing the reason for the creepy. Yet again, there’s something about Edward, and I can’t put my finger on it precisely. He looks normal in the still photographs but every artists rendering for the promo photos yields The Not Quite All There Vampire Boy.

And side note: what is up with the making of Kristen Stewart’s face and lips as rounded and babyish as possible in the movie posters?  In the stills she looks much, much older, but the movie posters? She’s got baby fat cheeks and a much, much younger appearance. What’s next, a Love’s Baby Soft advertisement deal?

Bonus enjoyment: hypothetical letters between Edward Cullen and Sarah Palin. Thanks to Liz W. for the link.