Smart Bitches Trashy Books | All of the romance, none of the bullshit.

E.D’trix had the correct answers for today’s Personal Ad Contest: Princess Olympia St. Leger of Seize the Fire by Laura Kinsale. All hail E.D’trix! She rocketh our world and deserveth the tasty bon-bons, but alas all we have is this spurious Photoshopped prize.

Kneel, E.D’trix, and receive your title (and new Russian name):

Go forth and do your title proud!

Candy and I are agog with the knowledge that we are a few hundred hits away from 10,000 visitors - a huge figure for a site that is just about 4 months old.

So! We have decided to launch a small contest, because we are Smart Bitches, after all!

The first person to send or a screencapture of the StatCounter at the bottom of the page registering you as the 10,000th visitor will win a $10 Amazon.Com gift certificate, and a chance to be a Guest Bitch reviewer.

Yes, that’s right, you’ll have almost enough to purchase your own romantic fiction novel (can you believe some of the prices these days?! It’s like gasoline, only with explicit sex!) AND you’ll get to review a romance of your choosing as a Guest Bitch reviewer. So start hitting reload like the obsessive-compulsive creatures we know you are. Good luck!

I can’t believe I forgot to mention this when Candy and I were writing about it earlier, but I have a definite theory about why paranormals are so very hot and the market is almost oversaturated, as white raven said, especially in the vampire romance department.

I think this stems from the hyper awareness we carry now of terrorism, and how, unlike in prior wars where we knew who the enemy was (Germans! Russians! Japanese! Canadians! No, wait, not Canada - sorry), we don’t know who the enemy is, and we can’t place them in one convenient location. Terrorists don’t walk up to you and say, ‘Hi! I’m a terrorist and I hate your capitalist agenda. Pull this string on my jacket, would you?” Terrorists are among us and we have no idea who or where they are, and it’s really freaking scary.

Now I could be feeling this more acutely because I live near and work in Manhattan, and it’s generally something I’m aware of, but I think it’s somewhat a national trend- and the reason paranormals are popular right now, along with monster stories and creepy crawly mysteries in general, is that it’s comforting to visit a world where the enemy is very, very easy to spot, and at the end of the story, the obvious evil is vanquished or neutralized. I think paranormals and monsters specifically are attractive as fantasy-relief for readers because supernatural evil is a sort of uber-evil - about the only thing MORE scary than wondering if any of the people on the train with you today are terrorists, and dude, it’s 70 degrees, what’s up with the heavy down jacket? Seeing fangs or claws or watching them molt into a hairy thing at the full moon is a big clue: yo. Dude is baaad news.

Being able to identify and vanquish an evil that is so powerful it’s not even human, or, better yet, to tame and accept that supremely powerful and scary creature with the Healing Power of Luuuuv (tm) is enticing, and helps assuage the fears that a good number of people might carry around. Psychologically, we know we can’t return to a time where terrorism was something that happened somewhere else, but if we look at alternate universes, somehow the uber-scary isn’t so scary anymore when compared with present day life. 

As with the previous two contests: Guess the character’s name, the title of the novel and the author in the comments, and the first person to get everything right will be bestowed with a unique, hand-crafted, guaranteed sweatshop-free title. Smart Bitches, Inc. is a Fair Trade-certified organization. (OK, that last bit is a lie. But we would be, if we actually sold anything. Or were actually, y’know, incorporated.)

FORGET TINA TURNER: WE DO NEED ANOTHER A HERO

Shy princess of small European principality seeks noble, courageous, well-decorated military hero for assistance in progressive nation-building exercise. Must be ready to weather adversity, up to and including imprisonment, shipwreck and rebellion. Fondness for zaftig white girls a plus. PTSD OK.

What is your favorite type of paranormal romance - vampires? Immortal folks? Werewolves? Shapeshifters? Ghosts? Does time travel count?

Sarah: I have to say I’m particularly fond of werewolves, vampires and immortals, but don’t have much time (huh) for time-travel, because they are often so predictable and poorly handled. I did read one crazy wack thing where the heroine switched bodies with a mermaid and went back in time (Goddess of the Sea, by PC Cast - I just looked it up) and there were goddessess and merpeople and all manner of stuff and after awhile I had a hard time with the tone, as it seemed to be more of a fairy tale than anything else. With a rather pointed moral. I don’t want moralizing from my romance! I want nookie!

I think the thing I like best about paranormals is when they take place in a reality that is close to the present, or at least close enough that I can recognize it, and focus on how a person who is clearly, even predatorily different, and tries to fit in, and run a “human"-like life, when really, their abilities and physiology are so beyond humans they run the risk of living among them and feeling contempt and envy all the time. I dig stories like that, the ones that focus on alienation and fitting in under extraordinary circumstances.

Candy: I classify “paranormals” as “anything involving magic and alternate realities.” Which I guess would include time-travel, “futuristics,” shape-shifters, wee folk like fairies, mermaids, ghosts, vampires and right-wing columnists and talk show hosts (no, wait, scratch that last one--I DO NOT want Ann Coulter or Sean Hannity invading my nookie time).

I have yet to read a shape-shifting romance that I like, but it’s not so much a problem with the type of romance as it is a problem finding an author whose writing style I like. If the author’s good, I’ll read just about anything she releases. I tried shape-shifter stories by Donna Boyd, Susan Krinard and Tracy Fobes, but all the books left me kinda “eh.”

I’m not sure I have a favorite kind of paranormal. I like ‘em all. Time travel romances do require a LOT of suspension of disbelief, especially with regards to the culture shock and the language barriers (especially when somebody travels to or from medieval England). The keepers on my shelf that have paranormal elements include The Last Mermaid by Shane Abe, Forever His by Shelly Thacker (time-travel), the Dara Joy Matrix of Destiny trilogy and The Vampire Viscount and The Devil’s Bargain by Karen Harbaugh.

Oh wait, the Matrix of Destiny novels feature shapeshifters, durrrr, so I have read shapeshifting romances that I liked.

And speaking of Karen Harbaugh: I was so excited to learn she was writing again, but I thought Dark Enchantment, her new paranormal novel, was really disappointing and kind of meh, unlike the Signet Regencies she wrote, which were generally excellent.

I think the appeal with paranormal romances (for me, anyway) lies in two major factors:

1. The whole “fish out of water” element. I enjoy reading about people trying to cope with something really, really weird, whether it’s discovering they’re now blood-sucking freaks, or struggling with a corset when in their previous life they couldn’t even stand wearing pantyhose, or trying to figure out what those tiny talking people are in the illuminated box. A lot of the fun also allows us to marvel at the weirdness of human culture, kind of like that creative writing exercise in high school/college in which you pretend you’re an alien who just came to earth and you have to describe a football game to your fellow aliens on your home planet while pretending you don’t know ANY of the rules or the purpose of the event.

2. Paranormal nookie. With aliens, mermaids, shapeshifters and the like, we’re going into some seriously taboo territory--I mean, what the protagonist is fucking is not even strictly human. Sexy inter-species humping extravaganza, woot. And then there’s the whole “vampires/Familiars/whatever can make the sex sooo much better than normal via vaguely-explained mystical means,” and yeah, I get a prurient kick out of that too.

Sarah: I have such a hard time with time travel novels. For one thing, anyone going back in time is going to end up with some serious problems, especially if that person is going back to a time when burning the witches was at all a good idea. I mean, modern language vs. middle/old English? Clothing? Synthetic fibers? I mean, I’d think five minutes after the person landed in the past someone would be all, “OK, you’re just a little too different, so come over here next to the fire, mmkay?” So time travels require a good long suspension of belief for me.

I once read a present-into-future, future-into-present series by La Nora, part of her Silhouette series which she is no longer writing (so now you have to “Look for the seal that guarantees an authentic new work by Nora Roberts!” *snort*) and it left me rather indifferent. I thought it was completely unrealistic, and I usually like Nora Roberts’ books for the realistic characterizations - particularly the heroes. Nora writes her some good men, in my never-humble opinion. But this duo of books - it might have been a trilogy I never finished - never really dealt with some of the culture shock issues: what does it mean psychologically to the characters when they jump ahead or behind and must face a world where their loving parent or sibling is either not due to be born for decades, or is long dead? How do you grieve for someone that might be still alive, if one accepts the theory of time periods existing concurrently in parallel, and thus allowing people to travel between them.

I am, however, a big sucker, as I said, for the theme of alienation - trying to fit in when one is so extraordinary that it’s nearly impossible. It’s like the “fish out of water” element you speak of, amplified by the personal feelings and the psychology of knowing you are so very, very different.

And I’m embarrassed to say this, but I never thought about the paranormal nookie, but you are right that it is often SO hot. And so original, and leaves so much room for exploration of superhuman sexual adventures - and I am not talking about the idea that the hero can get it up five minutes after he had an orgasm. That’s superhuman, but I don’t even think a vampire or a werewolf could swing that (no pun intended).

I’d have to say my favorite paranormal to date is Bitten by Kelley Armstrong. Oh, heavens I love that book. I also loved the first of the Sookie Stackhouse series, and the very very beginning of Laurell K. Hamilton’s Anita Blake series before, as my friend JenFu says, she started adding superpowers like charms on a charm bracelet. But finding paranormals that are well written and not dripping with angst and fear has proven difficult for me.

And I don’t know if Ann Coulter and Sean Hannity qualify as “paranormal” or just “not normal.”

And now, Gentle Reader, The Smart Bitches Present to You: The Paranormal Drinking Game!