Smart Bitches Trashy Books | All of the romance, none of the bullshit.

Lots of links to start your weekend off with massive browsing. What you wanted to get something accomplished this afternoon? PAH! Suffer with me.

Kate Douglas has a question for you: is man flank deserving of the whiteout? Not for one second do I believe the man pictured on that cover has a tush that flat, but still, man flank is problematic?

Mimi Gets a Contract made me snort so hard I nearly aspirated a Splenda packet from across the room. Thanks to Angie for the link.

I just laughed myself into tears reading this article about the Diagram Prize, which is a hunt for the most bizarre book title. The Greek Billionaire’s Virgin Love Child’s Boardroom Mistress has NOTHING on these books. Don’t miss the slide show of covers. Thanks to Svenja for the link.

Thanks to the many, many people who sent me this link: using the frozen sperm of two Black Footed Ferrets which had died years ago, the Smithsonian National Zoo successfully bred two kits (those would be wee adorable baby ferrets), born in June. The sperm was frozen back in 97 and 98, and ten years later, those two ferrets are proud papas from beyond the grave. Mazel tov to the successful breeding crew, and to the new mommies. And mad props to Moth who sent me a link to the article with the subject line, ‘The Virgin Black-Footed Ferret’s Secret Baby.’

And if you’re feeling the need to gaze at the sleeping cuteness that is the Black Footed Ferret (official ferret of Smart Bitches), there’s always the immensely addictive ferret cam.

See, I am all about wasting valuable hours of your time today! We’re having a bit of a hurricane today in the northeast, so we’re all inside on the internet. Ok, *I’m* inside on the internet, but hey, join me in endless surfing!

We have two winners in our Caption That Cover contest, one a come-out-of-nowhere (well, from our inbox) stealth winner that cracked us up so hard, it’s not even measurable.

Eve Savage sent us a sound effect. Seriously. She couldn’t figure out how to spell it, but dude, it was perfection. Candy called it “blergh-tastic” and she’s right. Jane thought it was spiffy as well.

Right click and save to give a listen!

So from the “Ouch I laughed too hard” department, Eve Savage wins for auditory submission of what sound that man’s nipple would make. Eve, congratulations, and enjoy your $20 gift certificate from Amazon and Powells.

And on to the commented entries! The winner of a $20 gift certificate and a copy of Manhandling (or “Man Titty Squishing” as the case may be) is:

Leslie Dicken for “hsssssssssssssssssssssssssss.” The simplicity and hilarity of your very own blow-up Blaze hero was too much to resist. Congrats, Leslie, and email me with your contact info for appropriate prize awarding!

First, from many, many people: what to do with bad reviews? Put them in the mouths of your little league team, your grandparents and their friends, and anyone else who will appear on camera. Then make it into a ersatz book trailer. What makes me giggle, personally, is that this many reviews, even bad ones, from this many powerhouse publications is in and of itself something of an accomplishment. To turn them on their ear and make them humorous (the armpit farts are inspired) is just absurd and awesome.

But wait, there’s more!

I started writing this late last week while pondering what it is about Edward that has folks so addicted to the Twilight series, and so willing to overlook or excuse what critics find to be some creeptastic behavior on his part. Since then, the first 12 chapters of Midnight Sun have been leaked, much to author Stephenie Meyer’s dismay, and she’s halted progress on the project indefinitely. Whether the leak was a publicity stunt or whether someone she gave the chapters to was too tempted not to share them, there remains a LOT of interest in Sir Edward of Sparklyville, and I’ve been spending way too much time comparing him to Alpha Heroes from Days Of Yore to determine what it is about him that’s so transfixing, so addictive, so amazing that people are literally going bananas over the idea that they won’t get the rest of his perspective from Midnight Sun. And of course, I’m reading Midnight Sun and wondering how much time I can spend in this guy’s head before I go bananas. I warn you: this entry is holy shit long. Don’t say you weren’t warned.

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While there seems to be some divide between the folks who love them some Jacob, I remain fascinated with the people who are over the moon about Edward, particularly as he’s portrayed in Twilight.

The more I think about it, and look back on Edward’s appearances and interactions with Bella in Twilight, the more he reminds me of the same old-same old Alpha romance hero —specifically, the old-school Alpha hero recast in glittery YA paleness. The same Alpha hero characteristics that so many readers find either tiresome or downright terrific are present in Edward, and serve to make him addictive and alluring.

Many people have noted how conservative and conventional Twilight is as a romance. They are not wrong, in my opinion. Joanne Renaud was the first to give me the heads up on her opinion that Edward was old-skool all the way down to the punishing kisses. I agree: Bella and Edward’s romance echoes the old skool romances of the beginnings of the romance genre: stories told deep within the point of view of the heroine, wherein the hero is a mysterious figure whose desires and intentions are not known, let alone his feelings. The old skool romance hallmarks are all there, most notably, as Candy pointed out to me after her glut of the old skool romances earlier this year, the idea that the hero’s worldview must be adopted by the heroine in order for her to secure her happy ending, complete with increased social status, wealth, and possible title.

From yesterday’s Publisher’s Lunch:

Creator and executive producer of the CSI television franchise Anthony Zuiker’s series of three suspense-thriller “digital novels” (every five chapters readers are given website codes to access two-minute films that bridge to the next five chapters) beginning with SQWEEGEL, about an former FBI forensic investigator who retired after his whole family was murdered but continues to work a variety of grim cases, to Brian Tart at Dutton, at auction, for publication beginning in fall 2009, by Dan Strone at Trident Media Group (world).

Variety says “Zuiker will write a 60-page outline for each book, then supervise a novelist who’ll turn it into a 100-chapter book. Zuiker will write and direct 20 “cyber-bridges,” the two-minute video segments that supplement the pages.”

Aside from the whole “supervise the novelist” thing that makes me think of James Patterson and not in a good way, is anyone else kind of befuddled by this announcement? Cyber bridge videos between chapters that mix vieweing and reading? What the huh now? Generally speaking, I read on the bus, and on the treadmill (thank you Kindle and your absolutely gi-hummuna-normous text size - all the better to bounce you with, my dear) and am nowhere near a video-enabled computer, much less with the patience to wait for my iPhone to load the video. I can’t say I’d be all excited for a book that ties me to a computer to view the video bridge - half the time reading is a break from the computer, not that I can stay away long, oh Internet, how I love thee. Seems overly complicated, but then, I’m often mystified by Facebook.

Does anyone else think this is a rather bizarre concept, or is this the Future of Reading, with YouTube on Your Kindle?