This session of Covers Gone Wild is a sort of drive-by snarking. Instead of going on (and on and ON) about a single cover, we’re going to take on five different covers and snipe briefly at them, Snarkywood-style. We hope you enjoy stunning the artwork. And we do mean stunning. No, seriously: the only way you could feel more stunned would be if somebody bapped your head repeatedly with a marble bust of Liberace. Wearing an Indian headdress.
Proud Eagle
Sarah: Excuse me, Mr. Eagle, what exactly do you have to be proud of, there? Your interestingly-placed bow, shooting up from your crotch there? Does that, perhaps, symbolize something?
It sure can’t stand for your hunting abilities. I mean, the bird you’re aiming at is BEHIND YOU, dumbass.
Candy: I was under the impression that most Indians don’t suffer from the same kind of pallor the average Oregonian does from being deprived of sun for 6 months out of the year. I’ve seen fishbellies with healthier skin tone. I mean, this guy would qualify as Oscar Wilde-grade “interestingly pale.” Maybe he’s recovering from a bout of fever? That would explain why he’s aiming in the wrong direction.
Savage Hero
Sarah: He’s not savage. He’s mentally disabled. Look: Flaccid bow and arrow shot - no firm erect bowstring for him! Also, if he’s Native American, so am I. How much more anglo can a dude look? He’s like a wanna-be beta male wishing he were a Savage Hero. Picture him at the Halloween party: “No, NO I’m a SAVAGE HERO I tell you!”
Candy: I know Bronson Pinchot’s career has pretty much tanked since Perfect Strangers was cancelled, but really, did he have to resort to Indian drag to put food on his table? Because here I submit to you: Separated at birth, Savage Hero guy and Balki Bartokomous.
Savage Devotion
Sarah: Savage Devotion?
My ass. Savage hairdryer maybe.
Candy: Does Charlie Sheen have a younger brother with a serious waxing fetish? Again, I submit for your perusal:
Savage Fires
Sarah: Darling, get UP! THE TEE PEE IS ON FIRE! We need to get out of here! But wait, I am transfixed by your giant chin, and I cannot move! it is making me weak!
Candy: “IT BURNS WHEN I PEEEEEEE!”
“That’s because your dick is on fire, dumbass.”
When Passion Calls
Sarah: Ha. When People Fall, is more like it. Or, when nature calls - “here, pee right here you half-conscious woman!”
Also, why does he not have a neck? And his face looks like a forensic composite head.
Candy: Reasons why this cover creeps me out:
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I'm unashamedly ripping off Big-Big-Truck's Cowboy Bebop thumbnail theater, and apparently she ripped it off from some other person named ToastyFrog. But man, doing this for a 312-page novel is a lot more time-consuming than for a half-hour episode of anime, so I'm going to break this down into four or five instalments. Today's episode covers Daphne and Rupert's adventures until their escape from the pyramid of Chephren, and tomorrow's installment will probably stop at Miles's escape. For those of you who haven't read the book yet but you plan to and spoilers piss you off, stop reading now because this gives away substantial chunks of the plot. That, and it won't make much sense.
Anyway, enough babbling; on to our feature! Smart Bitches Thumbnail Theater Presents: Mr. Impossible, Part 1.
We have some lovely referral records today.
bitches fucking.
horny bitches.
naked bitches.
So sorry you’ve landed on our erudite page devoted to romantic fiction! We have smart bitches, naked dukes, and horny heroes, but not in the combinations you seek. My apologies. I am sure there is another page or two on the internet that might be of interest to you. Continue your quest, noble knight of the MSN search!
We Smart Bitches bid you adieu as you embark on your quest.
Huh huh. I said “rule.”
Anyway, last night I wasn’t in the mood for the angst of “Uncommon Vows” right before bed, though I was about 3/4 into the book. I wasn’t on the home stretch and was far too tired to think of finishing it, so I did The Unthinkable.
I started another book.
Does anyone else have a rule that they only read one thing at a time? Candy, I know, reads quantum physics (I’m not even kidding) and romance at the SAME TIME, which bends my mind more than a little. But I usually read one thing at a time, because otherwise I will always like one better than the other, and the one I like less? I never get back to it. Also, I have a poor memory and I’ll start mixing the plotlines up, which can be a challenge if I try to read a contemporary and a medieval at the same time. Someone is showering a lot, some one is not. Which one?!! I can’t even watch two tv shows at the same time, while Hubby, when he is master of the clicker, can watch, like, twelve. Simultaneously. And keep track of what’s going on.
So of course, I am seriously loving the roller-coaster ride of “The Pirate Prince,” by Gaelen Foley. Woo damn is that thing purple-ish and non-freaking-stop. It reminds me of Pirates of the Caribbean - once it started, WHOOSH.
I do have to finish Uncommon Vows, especially after so many people recommended it. And dang the hero is hot. But I have to be honest, the “Oh, I’m hot hot hot for you!” “No, I hate hate hate you!” hot/cold heroine is in desperate need for a smackdown. Don’t treat that fine, educated, man like that! He should come over here to Candy & me. We’ll take care of him. Wink wink, nudge nudge.
So - do you read one at a time, or muliple books at once?
I just checked the stat counter, and we have crossed the big 10k - anyone got me a screenshot of 10,000? Bring it on!
A website that reviews romance novels from a couple of smart bitches who will always give it to you straight. No bullshit. No gushing--unless the author really deserves it.
It really only takes a few hours of dedicated web-surfing to realize that, in order to publish, you really should get an agent, and not a friend’s friend in accounting. Maybe the two of you can do some of this…
Thanks to your inspiration, I am officially submitting a research essay on Mullets to my college’s student-run publication.
From Mullet Passions.
Aha, I had not clicked far enough through the Etsy store.
“Julie Jackson at Subversive Cross Stitch was lovely enough to allow me to use her patters.
*note* frame in photo not necessarily the frame your…
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I got a pair of those thumb-flippable mittens a few years back. They’re a great idea, but the thumbs don’t like to stay flipped closed, and it’s nearly impossible to flip them closed if they come open while you’ve got…
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Agreed, Kathy. One of my coworkers made “Fuck Cancer” buttons when her fiance’s brother died, and I love seeing the reaction of people in stores and on the street. Some give her raised eyebrow looks, but often the most conservative-appearing…
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you all the same.
