Smart Bitches Trashy Books | All of the romance, none of the bullshit.

Every so often, the clothing & accessories say more than the wearer when it comes to a romance cover. Candy and I think it’s time the fashion had a chance to speak for itself!

Sarah: First, the mardi gras beads - what every stylish “faux Native American” maiden is wearing this fall - along with a stunning low-cut gown and a Wonderbra.

Second, if you’re a man going for that “faux Native American” look, go through your grandfather’s bureau, dig past the 1940’s pornography and his hot letters from your grandma during the war, and find his Venereal Moose Lodge Membership Ribbon. This makes a stunning and utterly authentic armband for your next fashion pow wow.

Candy: OK, those track pants that come with the matching knife? They gotta go.

And I didn’t know Native American dresses came with shoulder pads. I learn something new every day.

Sarah: I didn’t know that the Gap had chainmail tunics for men. But I totally saw that mock turtleneck on sale there this weekend. Think it’s cold to press your wanton cleavage up against metal links like that? Ouch. I bet it pinches. And not in a good way.

Candy: The chick totally stole Elvira’s dress and threw a bucket of varnish on it so it would look nice and shiny for this photo. However, I think she needs to watch more vampire movies--so that she can learn how NOT to garotte herself with her cape, if nothing else.

Sarah:”Look, I TOLD YOU. You have to UNTUCK my shirt BEFORE you unbutton it. I don’t care what Fabio said, it’s not COMFORTABLE. How would YOU like it if I tried to yank YOUR dress off before undoing the buttons? See? It sucks!”

Candy: Dude obviously flunked Rake School, because he hasn’t figured out that to get to the REALLY good bits, you need to bunch the skirts UP, not try to yank them down, and vice versa for the bodice.

Sarah: Scandalous Miranda is only scandalous because she just loves to check for pitstains in her man’s shirts. Miranda’s got the magic of Clorox 2.

Candy: OK, I admit it: I got nuttin’ after Sarah’s perfect snark. All I can think is: they both looked so happy and really freakin’ turned on by the bleach fetish.

“Oh baby, scrub those yellow stains OUT. Oh yeah, pour more of that bleach on. Yes. Yesssss. Oh, right there, rub harder, yes, yes, YESSSS!”

Armpit-stain bleaching fetishes: they’re the steppingstone fetish for other bleach-related perversions. Next thing you know, they’re getting all Lara Flynn Boyle on us.

The guy actually looks like he’s been huffing quite a bit more of the fumes than he should, because dude, he looks like he’s hiiiiiiiigh.

Sarah:I don’t know where to begin. Is he wearing pink shorts or does he have a biiiiig muffin top problem below the waistline? Are they underwater? If not, what’s up with her hair? Is he dead? What’s wrong with the bone structure of his chest? Did he have open-heart surgery recently?

And FOR the LOVE of GOD put some CLOTHES on. This Lady doth protest because it is COLD and you are standing near the LOCH and you are NAKED. My eyes! My EYES!

Candy: Nope, not open-heart surgery. That’s totally where his third nipple used to be. Scandalous Miranda up there accidentally burned it right off with some bleach.

And that hair… I actually feel sorry for the model. Who can we sue for gross misapplication of a wind-machine?

Or was she just really, really surprised to see that his third-nipple was gone?

First, l’Shana Tova to all our Jewish readers. Since it’s Rosh Hashana, I am required by Jewish law to visit all the relatives and eat all of their food. At nine months pregnant, I am up to the task. But before I go, a question inspired by the discussion of the origins of romance:

What do you consider the Classics of romance? If you were, say, designing a course around the origins of the romance novel, or were looking to trace the finest examples of romance backwards through the library, what books would you choose?

On my list, which I’m still mentally building: Evelina by Fanny Burney, and Pride & Prejudice (particularly if Colin Firth is reading or at least featured prominently on the cover - yowsa!) certainly fill the bottom of the rotation, but picking my 20th century examples is going to be hard.

At least I have ideas for a list to make in the car! 

The RWA hasn’t brought up the definition of romance recently, but while I was playing on Wikipedia, I thought I’d look up their definition:

A romance novel is a novel from the genre currently known as romance. The genre has two strict criteria:

* the story must focus on the relationship and romantic love between a man and a woman;
* the end of the story must be positive, leaving the reader believing that the protagonists’ love and relationship will endure for the rest of their lives.

On the whole, I’d say the wiki entry is not bad. Sure, there are some holes, and certainly the question of plot restrictions and genre requirements could be debated over many, many bottles of wine, but it does pare down what a romance novel is - and not by defining what it is not! I call that a “Canadian definition” so named because Canadians often have to define the differences between American and their own culture by discussing what it is not.

However, the wiki discussion of the Origin of the romance novel caught my attention:

Origins of the romance novel

The earliest English novels in this genre appeared in the 18th century. Classic, highly-regarded romantic novels are Pride and Prejudice (1813), by Jane Austen, Wuthering Heights (1847), by Emily Brontë, and Jane Eyre (1847), by Charlotte Brontë.

Huh. Are these romance novels? More importantly, are they the origins of the romance novel?

I confess to not having read Wuthering Heights, but Jane Eyre? That book left such a poor taste in my mouth I don’t know that I could consider it a foundation for the romance novel - unless it’s a foundation for my personal opinion of what makes an unredeemable hero and what makes for a doormat of a heroine. I’m not a big fan of Ms. Eyre.

Pride and Prejudice, though, I’m on board with that, and Emma, as both books discuss and acknowledge the romantic and matchmaking elements of their storylines frankly, if not on the first page!

So, what other books are the Origins of Romance in your opinion? The Flame and the Flower? Men are From Mars? Red Fish, Blue Fish?

Congrats to THIS! Christine who guessed correctly: Lily Tremaine from Night Shadow by Catherine Coulter.

Kneel and receive your title!

Another Friday, another chance to guess the heroine and win yourself a Smart Bitch Title™! You know the drill - be the first to correctly guess the heroine’s name, the title, and the author, and you win.

Unexpected Arrivals Seek Permanent Home

Young “widow” seeks safe haven for herself and three Very Young Persons after fleeing ugly and grabby-handed guardian. I’m looking for my charming knight in a smoking jacket, and the four of us intend to turn your regal bachelor life on its head. But you’ll have to earn my trust and the trust of the Very Young People, and get over your conflict-sustaining beliefs about me, to earn our happy ending.