Smart Bitches Trashy Books | All of the romance, none of the bullshit.

This week: costume drama, as in ‘How much drama do costume portrayals like these cause among those who, you know, do research?’

Sarah: Between the ruffles and the puffy sleeves and the vest, I had to giggle. The ice dancing puff-shouldered heroine was worth a snort, too. But the incredibly bendy legs of the horse? Oh, holy shit.

Candy: Miss Manners on graceful abduction-on-horseback etiquette: “Gentle abductee: The new rage when being pulled off your feet by frilly-shirted men on horseback is to struggle for freedom, but it seems to Miss Manners that this new development lacks a certain couthness and grace. Try arching your back to present a flattering profile, and remember to keep that pinkie up. Packing your own fan to ensure your tresses stream behind you is, however, gauche at best, and implies that your abductor does not know his job. In this particular instance, Miss Manners would like to gently remind you that natural is best.”

Sarah: Nobody forgets the nude dude at the garden party, that’s for sure.

Candy: Titles that were briefly contemplated for this cover before being discarded:

“The Nudist and the Drag Queen”

“Is That Really a Third Nipple?”

“Still Life with Schlong and Potted Geranium”

“For the Love of a Dead-Faced Hooker”

Sarah: Nothing but NOTHING says “Scottish” like slops. And purple hose. In the ocean.

Candy: What the fuck are those black smudges on his chest? Are they supposed to be chest hair? I mean, I have full sympathy for artists trying to depict chest hair without making it look smudgy, but seriously: the bits on his sternum look like grease paint. The better to accentuate his top-notch man-titty?

By the power of the random integer generator, we have a winner! Comment #126 is our winner: Jennifer Armintrout. Hooray!

Email me, please, and I’ll send you a print copy of Matthew Haldeman-Time’s Off the Record. Please do let me know what you think of it!

The first place winner of the Henley Bodice Prize is AnimeJune for her entry:

Lady Eleanor Wadsworth-Pennington had always thought she’d understood her mother when she said, “Beware the rakes, they cause only pain and misery!” until she finally stepped on one and the stout wooden handle swooped up and smacked her on the face, breaking her nose and causing her to curse the lazy but irrepressible gardener Louis in a most unladylike manner.

The second place winner of the Henley Bodice Prize is Carrie Lofty, for her entry:

Thrusting and thrusting again into the gasping blonde groupie sprawled across a hot pink Naugahyde loveseat, Leo “Nasty” Houston’s member was like a hard-working mole digging its winter shelter: its snout slick and hairless, blind to all but its instinctual purpose, and intensely fond of warm, dark, welcoming warrens.

And third place goes to Elizabeth Wadsworth, for her entry:

It is a truth universally acknowledged, that any single Vampire Lord newly arrived from Transylvania with a wad of cash and several wooden boxes of dubious function, must be in want not only of prime London real estate but several nubile females upon whom to slake his insatiable bloodlust.

me, please, with your contact info to claim your prizes - thanks!

If this were the movie, I’d so see it. Especially the part about the Nickelback CD.

To make the spoof extra more awesome, compare it to the actual trailer:

Thanks to Star Opal for the link. 

To the members of the RWA Down Under - have a great conference! I hope it goes splendidly!