Smart Bitches Trashy Books | All of the romance, none of the bullshit.

Just like last week’s Covers Gone Wild, click on the links in this entry to admire our L33T PH0T0SH0P SK1LLZ and marvel at our trenchant wit as we bestow alternate titles to Johanna Lindsey’s Man of My Dreams stepback cover. And yeah, we know--it took us this long to finally get around to giving a Fabio cover the Smart Bitches treatment. As penance, we’ll stare at the cover for Flowers From the Storm until our eyes bleed or our cerebral cortex implodes, whichever comes first.

Candy: Doesn’t the woman look as if she has some sort of weird sexual orifice in the middle of her back? Because it sure as hell looks as if Fabio is humping her spine. And from the looks of her O-face, she really, really likes it.

Sarah: Oh my GOD with that corset she LOOKS like a GIANT PENIS. God the longer I stare at that the more horrified I get. He’s NAKED. She LOOKS like a PENIS. And he’s NAKED. I mean, utterly naked, and jabbing his manhood against her shoulder blade.

Candy: Wait, maybe she’s a whore who’s just really, really new at this. Maybe she really thinks shoulder blades are the humptiest spot on a woman’s body?

And you know what else is bothering me? Fabio’s legs. They’re so friggin’ hairy. What is up with that? He has obviously shaved the rest of his body bare, but his legs are still plentifully be-furred. The first time I saw this cover, I wondered for a second if he was wearing hairy, flesh-colored pants. Then I realized, no, Fabio is in his altogether, unless like the Red Hot Chilli Peppers of yore he has a sock on his cock. I wonder why he left his legs alone? Did he think “Hmmm, a completely smooth chest, belly and arms are manly, and so is long hair carefully dyed black being blown by a giant fan in a studio, and so is humping a woman whose corset lends a distinctly phallic aspect to her appearance--but I’m NOT shaving my legs. That’s just way too gay.”

Sarah: Further, the longer I stare at it (Ow, my EYES!) I have to wonder, what happens to get oneself into this position. He’s naked, standing upright, with a corseted and skirted woman (in full makeup, so a big “hmmmm” to the whole “whore” idea) kneeling in front of him. Are they playing hide-and-go-seek? Was she counting to 10 and he just took his clothes off and snuck up behind her? Or maybe he was taking a whiz and he’s blind and thought she was a tree? (That would explain the O-face.) Or maybe she lost her Hitachi Magic Wand and he’s giving her a shoulder massage with a magic wand of a different sort? I mean, I have the most wonky imagination out there, and even I can’t come up with a viable scenario for how these two got in this position. Imagine if his wife walked up - how’s he going to say, ‘No, honey, this is not what it looks like!’

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Categories: Covers Gone Wild! (Non-Snoop Dogg Edition)

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