Smart Bitches Trashy Books | All of the romance, none of the bullshit.

Candy: Um, why is this dude scouting out the castle with sword drawn while COMPLETELY BARE-ASS FUCKING NAKED? Is it part of some exotic strategy? Like, say, he exposes his shockingly small kibbles n’ bits and storms the castle single-handedly while all the soldiers are too busy pointing and laughing at his cocktail wiener?

Sarah: I can only assume, emphasis on the ass, that the naked sword-wielding, as Candy said, is part of some major strategy on his part. Otherwise, wouldn’t it be alarmingly dangerous to wing a sharpened object, meant for impaling the enemy, around one’s family jewels?

Also, is it me or is the sword literally made of wood? Do you think he calls his manly sword, “Woody?” Or perhaps, “Woodpecker?”

Candy: “Thank you, fellow elves, hobbits, dwarves and humans, for attending tonight’s Naked Songs of Middle Earth! Please don’t mind my lovely assistant, she wants to take pictures of all of you lovely people, only she’s shy about her saddle bags, if you know what I mean. And now, for my encore: your favorite tragic epic and mine, the Song of Nimrodel! ONE TWO THREE FOUR AWWWWWWWW YEAH!”

Also: There’s no guitar strap. HOW is the dude holding up the guitar at that angle? The mind boggles at what’s propping that thing up.

Sarah:Anyone ever see that episode of Drew Carey where they do the full monty dressed as UPS men, and one of his buddies is holding up the package that obscures his, um, package with nothing but his manly bits, while the rest of them confessed to using duct tape?

Yeah, so there’s gotta be a biiiig hole in the back of that there guitar, because otherwise he’ll have to use a g-string to repair the g-string he’s using to hold that thing up.

And the woman with the camera -what’s up with her legs? She has no ass! I want to have no ass! I think I have her ass! On top of my ass! She can have it back now. Hello?

Candy: Real warriors shave every part of their body—with their swords.

I also wonder if the sword is somehow meant to represent something else?

Nahhhhh.

Sarah: Gee, the imagery is subtle. I’m not sure what the artist is trying to say, here. However, I am concerned about the size of the warrior’s warrior, since it seems to cast an impressive Coke-can-sized shadow on his inner thigh, and yet it remains hidden behind the sword.

I bet this guy can also hold up a guitar without a strap. In fact, I bet he can let go of that sword and his warrior will hold it up for him.