Note: today’s cover snark isn’t entirely work safe, unless you work in an office where you create CG man-titty book covers. So read below at your own risk!
Candy: Um, why is this dude scouting out the castle with sword drawn while COMPLETELY BARE-ASS FUCKING NAKED? Is it part of some exotic strategy? Like, say, he exposes his shockingly small kibbles n’ bits and storms the castle single-handedly while all the soldiers are too busy pointing and laughing at his cocktail wiener?
Sarah: I can only assume, emphasis on the ass, that the naked sword-wielding, as Candy said, is part of some major strategy on his part. Otherwise, wouldn’t it be alarmingly dangerous to wing a sharpened object, meant for impaling the enemy, around one’s family jewels?
Also, is it me or is the sword literally made of wood? Do you think he calls his manly sword, “Woody?” Or perhaps, “Woodpecker?”
Candy: “Thank you, fellow elves, hobbits, dwarves and humans, for attending tonight’s Naked Songs of Middle Earth! Please don’t mind my lovely assistant, she wants to take pictures of all of you lovely people, only she’s shy about her saddle bags, if you know what I mean. And now, for my encore: your favorite tragic epic and mine, the Song of Nimrodel! ONE TWO THREE FOUR AWWWWWWWW YEAH!”
Also: There’s no guitar strap. HOW is the dude holding up the guitar at that angle? The mind boggles at what’s propping that thing up.
Sarah:Anyone ever see that episode of Drew Carey where they do the full monty dressed as UPS men, and one of his buddies is holding up the package that obscures his, um, package with nothing but his manly bits, while the rest of them confessed to using duct tape?
Yeah, so there’s gotta be a biiiig hole in the back of that there guitar, because otherwise he’ll have to use a g-string to repair the g-string he’s using to hold that thing up.
And the woman with the camera -what’s up with her legs? She has no ass! I want to have no ass! I think I have her ass! On top of my ass! She can have it back now. Hello?
Candy: Real warriors shave every part of their body—with their swords.
I also wonder if the sword is somehow meant to represent something else?
Nahhhhh.
Sarah: Gee, the imagery is subtle. I’m not sure what the artist is trying to say, here. However, I am concerned about the size of the warrior’s warrior, since it seems to cast an impressive Coke-can-sized shadow on his inner thigh, and yet it remains hidden behind the sword.
I bet this guy can also hold up a guitar without a strap. In fact, I bet he can let go of that sword and his warrior will hold it up for him.
Oh God! I remember when we got that book into the store. It was a transfer within the company, and I had no idea what I was opening—just reached in and pulled out (hmm, that sounds dirty) that. I think I screamed. In my defense it was right after we opened, and a girl needs a little more caffeine before she’s surprised with a phalic symbol like that first thing in the morning. My male coworker still wants to know why he (the man on the cover) felt the need to shave everywhere. He found the lack of hair most disturbing.
L
Can I add another scary CGI guy? He’s all over Lorie O’Clare’s website and gives me the creeps.
http://www.lorieoclare.com/ He’s all lumpy…and in some very weird places.
Candy, were you thinking of Big Bottom when you wrote “If you know what I mean”? Cuz when you mentioned the saddle bags, I instantly flashed on Spinal Tap, and I’m wondering about this disturbing psychic link we’ve got going.
All those swords reminded me of the L theory. L = k/H, where
k = a fundamental constant of the universe, also known as ‘the phallic coefficient’,
H = height (or, in this instance, sword length, and
L = penis length.
What the hell am I talking about? Do the math ;o)
Holy mother of God, Nicole. . . What is wrong with that guy’s legs? I think I just threw up in my mouth.
And the guy on Warrior. . . Have I not seen enough naked men in my life or is that gentleman’s torso twice the normal length? His TORSO, I said!
Good God, Nicole! I have to wonder, when a guy’s thighs get all buffed out like that, is he at risk for flexing and crushing his own testicles?
and what exactly is Legolas daring her to do? “I dare to to still want to do me after I finish my solo version of ‘More than Words’ by Xtreme…”
The sad thing, ladies, the really sad thing from an author’s point of view, are the publishers who insist nekkid guy covers sell more books and they’ve got the sales records to prove it!
Bottom line (no pun intended) is the publisher makes the choice and the poor author has to live with it. But snark on! Enough mornings of people spewing coffee on their computer keyboards and maybe the publishers will sing a different tune.
“I dare to to still want to do me after I finish my solo version of ‘More than Words’ by Xtreme…â€
Humiliating confession time: when I was 16, I had the biggest crush… on… NUNO BETTENCOURT.
*breaks down sobbing*
Those pouty lips, that long, silky hair… It was too much for an innocent, hormonal teenager to take.
*cries some more*
I’m afraid to click on Nicole’s link at work, especially with the Nosy Old Hag who sits behind me watching my every move with her evil, beady little eyes.
Hmm. Man-Titty and levitating objects Supposedly Held Up By Dick. Along with cold dead Poser eyes.
Are we seeing a trend here?
Darlene, it is so true – the publishers are in control and it’s just sad when you can’t show your own book to your grandma.
Darlene, I’ve heard that before, too. I still can’t believe that they sell better. Those are the ones I always DON’T buy. I figure if the only thing for a cover they can think up is a nekkid man, then there must not be much to the book.
Would somebody please ‘splain to me *why* most e-published books have CG covers? Quite frankly, they scare me!!! If I’m gonna see (and buy) this stuff, I’d like it to at least be somewhat “realistic” in it’s portrayal of man titty. JMO. Who’m I kidding, I got a book cover for that kinda thing anyways …
— Bonz
I don’t think the guy on that last cover is a man at all. That’s a praying mantis badly disguised as a man. Like the male version of that substitute teacher that almost ate Xander on BtVS.
Yeah, my friend has what she calls the treadmill test, as in, based on the cover, would she read the book on the treadmill at the gym. Sadly, very few romances make the cut. Me, I’m a bit more flexible, but even I draw the line at whipping out a book that screams “This book is fairly teeming with GIANT THROBBING ERECTIONS!!!”
And Candy, don’t be ashamed. I used to be in love with the guy who played Bo Duke. Not that he wasn’t cute (and actually still kind of is) but now he puts out like Christian Country albums. **shudders**
Ladies,
Pity me. I DO sit in an office that regularly creates CGI man-titty, and even now there is a 8-foot tall poster of mega-man-titty hovering over my work space. No. Lie.
I had no fear clicking on the link and just laughed my ass off with many other co-workers. Bwahahaha! Keep it comin…we just won’t inform the art department…it would crush their fragile wittle spirits!
Well, just to clean our eyes out, here’s a ebook cover I just love: http://www.loose-id.com/detail.aspx?ID=182
And then another scary one:
http://www.loose-id.com/detail.aspx?ID=187
And omg…a cgi guy with chest hair:
http://www.ellorascave.com/productpage.asp?ISBN=1-4199-0266-0&Page=Page1
Er, I’ll stop now.
My IT department said “NUH UH, GIRLFRIEND” so fast to those links it makes my head spin.
So they MUST be good!!
I’m thinking Mr. Warrior got a bit too humpity humpity with Mr. Rack and Madame Guillotine last night.
You know, LooseID IS coming out with better ePub covers. (I saw one that’s coming out from an author friend of mine, Lyn Cash, that is so incredible I’d make it a poster and put it over MY desk), but I swear, some of these make me wonder if I’m willing to go ePub, lol.
What is with the chest hair on Nicole’s last link?? LOL! I wondered if the hero is secretly Pinnochio, grown up. That’s not hair, it’s WOOD GRAIN!
As for Mr. Warrior, lol, has anyone checked if his hair removal with his sword really IS what’s wrong with him? I mean, egyptian monks were shaved head to toe daily….
Well, it was a shot, lol.
Keep the snark coming, ladies!
Dee
You can snark all you want about guys who shave, but Nicole’s link to the CGI dude with chest hair is just grotty. I’ve got nothing against guys with body hair—I live with a furball who looks like the Missing Link—but this is too squicky for me.
>And omg…a cgi guy with chest hair: <
Ewwwww. Why is it all over the place? I think he combs it all toward the midline to accentuate his abs. Ewwww.
(Hey, how do you italicize words here? I have italices envy.)
Here’s another EC guy with chest hair:
http://www.ellorascave.com/productpage.asp?ISBN=1-4199-0230-X
I happen to be fond of this one, for personal reasons:-). And I don’t think he looks nearly as CGI as some of the older covers. Honestly, I think EC’s covers are improving all the time.
NCP has great covers, too. But you do have to like man-titty to appreciate their covers *g*.
Having my EC cover given the “safe from snark” okay by a Smart Bitch was a big highlight for me. No man-titties or razor burn in sight. *g*
Victoria, put an
< i >
at the beginning and
< / i >
at the end without any spaces and it will look like this. Theoretically.
Just to be equal opportunity for pubs on cover snark, here’s some NCP ones.
http://www.newconceptspublishing.com/lovesportrait.htm
I’m not quite sure what’s going on in this cover, but the colors are kinda weird. ANd I never knew they had breast implants in 1892. You learn something new every day.
http://www.newconceptspublishing.com/starlitdestiny.htm
Now I know where Fabio’s gone. *shudder* And what’s a guy in historical dress doing it what looks to be a futuristic romance?
I should stop, cuz (no offense, Ellen), I never did like NCP’s covers. Though unlike Triskelion Publishing, at least you can see the title and author most of the time.
Though this one I don’t mind too terribly. Good man-titty. 🙂
http://www.triskelionpublishing.com/prod34.html
ROFL!
Oh thank goodness for the ‘not work safe’ warning. I waited until I was alone to read it and nearly sneezed cola all over my computer. Those comments were great!
*Snort* No offense taken, Nicole. I happen to love both the ones you linked to (yeah, I like Fabio:-), but I’ve seen some other NCP covers I disliked intensely. I’m sure the SBs could do some serious snarkage to NCP’s covers. Overall, I like ‘em, but then, I kinda like man-titty *eg*. Anyway, an author has no control over her covers, so we all need to learn to laugh about them… because sooner or later, whether we write for New York or epubs, we’ll find ourselves with a cover so bad that if we don’t laugh, we’ll cry!
Thanks, Shannon! I mean, Thanks, Shannon! Ooo, did it work? Yea!
About those Fabio-type models: Why is it that publishers think we have a thing for men with close-set eyes? :ohh:
There ain’t not only evil covers, there are really, really bad sex scenes, too, out there in the book market. 😀
Dee said: That’s not hair, it’s WOOD GRAIN!
My sinuses are all cleaned out now, thankyouverymuch. Who knew that wine cooler coming out of the nose would work so well?
I’d say that someone needs to start a letter-writing campaign to finally beat some sense into these publishers’ heads, but snarking about ludicrous covers is kinda fun.
LOL, love the post and thought I’d drop a comment when I saw this question from one of your readers:
Would somebody please ‘splain to me *why* most e-published books have CG covers?
Yep. I can explain that one. 🙂 There’s not a whole lot of money in epublishing for artists—not compared to print publishing anyway. As a result, many of the artists who get into doing ebook covers are often self-taught, without any practical working experience in commercial art, and more likely than not they learned their art on the computer and not by hand with pens, pencils, or paint.
Now, here’s a dirty secret: many self-taught computer artists actually CAN’T draw. Some can, marginally, and may cobble together some existing images and “paint” over them. But many of them use Poser—three reasons why. It’s cheap. It’s quick. It’s versatile. And if you buy all the models, props, poses, textures, and whatnot that you need, then you don’t actually have to draw anything by hand at all.
Biggest point, even for those marginally able to draw: it’s faster and easier to render somewhat realistic people with Poser than it is to render them by hand.
And believe me, that is a very big deal for artists who aren’t skilled or experienced enough to find work that pays more than most epubs.
🙂
Anyone noticed the name of the CGI “artist” from the Surrender’s Dance cover? http://www.loose-id.com/detail.aspx?ID=187
Hint: I think he’s very subtly trying to bring a certain hunkarific credibility to mind.
Oh, and it occurs to me reading these comments that the nekkid idjit covers sell so well because those of us with a sense of humor snap them up for our Best of the Worst collections. read them? No. Display them like the fine art they are? Absofrikkinlutely.
Anatomy classes. Say it with me people: ANATOMY CLASSES.
But what can we expect when even supposedly high-brow art schools (like the California College of Arts and Crafts) will let you graduate with an illustration degree without ever taking a drawing class!
I know CCAC is indeed a highbrow art school. But “arts and crafts?” Am I the only one who thinks tie-dye and lanyard and bead bracelets at camp when I hear the words “arts and crafts?”
Who needs drawing? Pah! We have Poser!
Man, imagine the carnage if Candy and I got our hands on Poser for an hour.
>>Man, imagine the carnage if Candy and I got our hands on Poser for an hour.<<
Bring it on, Sarah. Your public demands it!
Dare Me and Warrior might well be the worst covers I’ve ever seen. Ever. Ever. I’m not sure if I can emphasize that enough. Warrior is probably the worst of the two, but that’s not saying much.
Ack! Nicole, I can’t believe you subjected me to the horror that is the man on that website. Those legs are awful! They look sort of like . . . like the legs of a horse or a cow. If I have nightmares tonight, I’m holding you responsible.
As for the man (I use the term loosely) on the cover of Surrender’s Dance, just paint him green and he’s the Incredible Hulk. I don’t want to see him when he’s angry. I don’t want to see him when he’s not angry, either, come to think of it.
. . . the most tousled, tangled pubic patch through which I have ever had to find my way. A near impenetrable little forest, a small private Amazon to get lost in.
Oh. Muh. Gawd. That is quite possibly the most utterly disgusting mental image I’ve ever had the misfortune to encounter. Naturally, I had to repost it here for your edification, and to assist any of you who are currently dieting. UGH!
Now I feel that I must brag a bit. I’ve got an upcoming release with Loose Id and I think my cover kicks ASS. No CG for me, hooray! http://i6.photobucket.com/albums/y230/iopele/PBcover.jpg (let’s see if that link goes through—here’s hoping!)
And another big, rousing round of MUH GAWD for that mutilated-thighed leopard-boot-wearin’ hunka studliness (?) on the website! How much of a hero can he be if his kibbles ‘n’ bits are so completely concealed by those itty bitty man-panties?