Thanks to Brandy for the link to Things I Will Do When I am the Vampire, (I know, it’s hard to read. I cut & pasted it to a txt doc just to read clearly without eyestrain) I’ve been giggling like a fool. My faves are: “58. All the cutlery in my house will be either stainless steel or plastic. No silver. (Besides, I might accidentally cut myself.) But ideally, the steel will have a special surface that makes it *look* like silver, so the Hero will waste his time trying to stab me with it,” and “49. I will ignore all attempts to appeal to my former sense of humanity. I don’t have any. That is why it is former.”
Now of course I’m making all kinds of lists in my head, like “Things I Will Do When I am Anita Blake,” (e.g. “Put 50 condoms in my fanny pack each morning, plus two extra just in case in the socks that match my shirt.” “Do my day job because that shit was cool.” “Spend a few honest moments evaluating why I am (or was) so conflicted between the faith in my head and the fire in my loins.” “Stay out of the shower if were-somethings are in there.”)
“Things I will do if I am the heroine” could be fun on its own, or hero. Or … crap. I’m not going to get a thing done today. Dammit.
Things to Do When I am the Heroine
1. Marry the Italian by sunset.
2. Have the Greek Tycoon’s sekrit baby.
3. Nab me a Navy SEAL.
4. Toss my hair in a way the hero finds alluringly feisty.
5. Have a romantic crisis brought about by a simple miscommunication.
Things to do when I’m the Hero:
1. Avoid giving punishing kisses. No matter how seductive and paralyzing they are for the heroine, they actually make my lips hurt.
2. Take a second look at my mistress. Overt lustiness is not a bad quality to have.
3. Be nicer to the heroine’s parents. Though it may be true that they deliberately and maliciously ruined my family, I haven’t heard their side of the story.
4. Maintain my unbelievably astute business sense. Being able to dabble on the ‘Change whilst I’m bedding whores as an impetuous youth attending Eton and thereby becoming one of the richest men in England in a few short years is totally cool.
Thanks, y’all, for making my day better! I love these lists.
Things to Do When I am the Heroine
6. Pay attention when my father/brother/guardian is practicing all that silly war stuff. Notice those swords are big and sharp. My spunkiness will not hold up against them should I decide to charge into a battle.
7. Don’t just bribe my trusty maid to tell me all about sex – bribe her to stand as lookout while the stableboy and I get it on. What, have you not seen those lovely muscles he developed working on horses?
Things to do when I’m the heroine (with apologies to a New Yorker article I read last night):
1.) Never stand in front of a mirror and describe myself mentally in the first chapter. Just get on with the hair-brushing.
2.) Never tell my friends, co-workers, and family things they already know for the sake of the reader. “Oh, you always play tennis on Tuesdays, unless it’s raining and you hit the gym! Also, you divorced my my mom three years ago.”
“….yeah. I know.”
29. I will force myself to look concerned and not hungry when someone accidently cuts himself.
That just made me giggle.
Ok now this is just eerie, my spamword is cut13 (insert spooky music here…).
Things to do when I am the Heroine:
1. Get stinking drunk and sleep with the hottie bartender.
2. Start chain smoking. I can quit whenever I want to.
3. Get stinking drunk and sleep with the hottie who came to the party with my best friend. Spend the rest of the novel extremely conflicted but very very fulfilled.
4. Waste my inheritance on a very expensive sports car and live off my rich cousin.
5. Get stinking drunk and sleep with my rich cousin’s husband.
This post courtesy of Miss Goody Two Shoes who is about to turn 40, has 3 kids and a sweet husband who cooks and cleans. The advantage of doing all this ill-advised stuff in a novel is that there are no consequences.
Things to do as a heroine:
1. Make more money than the hero. Cause, you know, Sugar Momma Rocks.
2. Masturbate. I can reach fulfillment on my own TYVM. (Buy toys qualifies here too…) No need to lose sleep just because that stubborn Hero is making me horny.
3. Check out said stubborn Hero’s absurdly good-looking duo of also rich, also attractive, and also incredibly good in bed. Make out with them a few times…especially that tragically dark, angsty one.
4. Accept the expensive clothes, shoes, hats, etc., the Hero buys for me. They make me look hot, and feel good about myself. What’s wrong with that?
Science Fiction and Fantasy fans have compiled quite a few such lists over the years. Some of them are compiled here:
http://www.sff.net/paradise/lists.htm
Oh you know that is the funniest thing I ever read. I will be posting this. The funniest were near the end. I personally liked the one about not beathing being a handy skill. hah! Brilliance.
Please reconsider taking 50 condoms…you never know when an emergency will rear its head.
Hmm. You’re right, Brit. An emergency in Anita Blake-land would require at least 100 condoms. Perhaps more.
I wonder if a pallet of rubbers from Costco would fit in a fanny pack.
Too true, SB. However, in Anita-land condoms only come in XL. i.e., Micah. Does Costco carry XL?
For those of us who are British, condoms would be the only appropriate thing to carry in a fanny pack.
Things to Do When I Am A Regency Heroine:
1. When the hero tells me not to do something because it is dangerous, I will listen. While taking orders from a man may be beneath my anachronistically feisty feminist dignity, having to be rescued by a man while my petticoats are on fire from his evil Viscount half-brother is equally beneath my anachronistically feisty feminist dignity.
2. I will treat my servants with respect, but reserve. That way when they catch me in a passionate embrace with the hero in the orangery, they will have the sense to keep quiet but they won’t ask for details (or worse, offer advice).
3. If I have to have an affair with the stablemaster, I will have the sense not to couple with him in the actual stable—it’s unhygienic, the straw and manure on my clothes will be sure to attract unwanted questions, and will only result in more work for him when we inevitably frighten the horses into a stampede.
4. I will treat my parents with respect and affection, if not obedience – as old-fashioned and irrelevant as their ideas are, it worked for them in their day.
5. I will avoid men with outlandish and anachronistic names like Raven, Damian, Orion, Apollo, or Odin. If their Georgian parents thought that was an appropriate name, they cannot have had a firm grasp on reality and there’s an excellent chance such instability could be genetic.
6. It is as easy to fall in love with a rich man as it is with a poor man – a choice between a sexy, alluring, kind valet and a sexy, alluring, kind Earl shouldn’t be nearly as hard as everyone else makes it out to be.
7. If I am compromised and forced into a hasty marriage, I will immediately treat my husband, regardless of his reputation, with respect and kindness, instead of bewailing my fate and repeatedly listing his endless sins. Forever is a long time—I might need to save some cutting insults for down the road.
8. If I take an instant disliking to a man, I will step back and think instead of immediately making some feisty, anachronistically offensive remark. First off, being rude will only reflect badly on me and my family. Secondly, odds are good that I’ll only end up unaccountably, irresistibly attracted to him later and it will only cause embarrassment for all concerned at our wedding brunch when my improper and hasty comments are repeated in the context of a hilarious wedding toast.
Ros:
*wheeze*
AnimeJune:
*wheeeeze*
*Ahem* I have never seen a condom sized medium and small.
Things To Do When I am Anita Blake:
1. Figure out where the hell Edward went, because he was freaking awesome. (I feel that the proportions of Edward and Anita’s crazy sexing in the books are inversely proportional. Did I completely miss him in the later books, other than him just casually dropping by firearms?)
2. Learn to love my penguins again, only in a way that kinda balances the fact that I kill shit for a living. Penguins are cute, yes, but their cuteness does not serve as a proxy for my cuteness.
3. Stop reveling in how I can kick ass despite being 5’ tall.
4. Run around with some decent hair shears so that if I do insist on shagging all the men/werefolk in sight, at least they’ll have a decent freaking hair cut and not be undead or leopard Fabio wannabes.
5. Learn. French.
6. Straighten my hair, or do SOMETHING, with it.
7. Consider scar surgery.
8. I totally second Sarah – go back to my day job, because it was awesome.
9. Learn some flipping occlumency so that Jean Claude has less brain sex with me.
10. Go back and time and run away into the sunset with Edward before I’m stupid and he gets all pansy-ish. Have little magical voodoo furry babies.
Who the hell wears a fanny pack in this day and age? Outside of serious bolderers and such, I mean.
Kalen: Come visit New York City. I can show you many, many fanny packs used with absolutely zero irony.
Yay for tourists!
1.) When I am hiding a potentially damaging secret about myself or my family, I will not devise an elaborate scheme to set it all right. I’ll just spill my guts to The Hero. Look, he’s rich and powerful and has lots of important alliances – he might actually be able to help me out.
2.) If The Rake promises he’s going to seduce me, I’ll put a little stock in his claim. Related: If I decide to boast I’m immune to temptation, I’ll be speaking facetiously, of course.
3.) Once I’m generally regarded as a spinster, I’ll immediately expect a wild offer of marriage.
4.) If I am snowbound with the Hero in rustic yet charming cabin, I won’t engage him in petty disputes. Such arguments, while clearly signifying sexual tension, tend to make me look shrill. Also, they delay the inevitable arrival of a long, naked tumble in front of a roaring fireplace.
5.) He’s Italian. He’s a Tycoon. He Bought Me For Revenge/Pleasure/One Night Only. As such, I will not expect a whole bunch of gooey, sentimental talk from him.
6.) I’ll expect any number of important missives to go astray, either with disastrous, fortuitous or entirely hilarious results.
7.) If I see something flicker in The Hero’s eyes, I’ll try not to assume too much. Could be desire. Could be concern. Could be angst. Could be a painful childhood memory. Could be his eyes reflecting a flicker from my own eyes. Eye flickers: They’re just a really bad bellwether.
8.) I’ll expect my marriage of convenience to prove to be anything but.
9.) If I find myself experiencing the unfamiliar twinge of jealousy when The Hero flirts outrageously with another woman, I won’t go all to pieces inside. Instead, I will calmly evaluate why he would flirt with another woman mere moments after he feverishly kissed me, an interlude that ended when I forcefully (albeit halfheartedly) pushed him away. Oh wait: I get it.
winner: #62 While it may offend my dignity, whining incessantly will indicate that I am the protagonist, and will enable me to avoid the attentions of Heros.
love this site, finally delurking:
If I was Anita Blake:
1. I’d go to a deserted island and rest my vagina. It’s been hard at work for years and needs a break.
Resting a vagina…huh. Novel thought.
When I am the Heroine…
I will damn well ask for help when I need it. No one gets points for doing it the hard way.
Just wanted to say (and it’s probably been said by now, because this window’s been open for hours): Firefox, View, Style, No Style. All the stupid colors and idiot font choices will vanish into a lovely black font on white background. Saves my elderly eyesight frequently.
Lizzy-*snort* That was so funny. Thank you. 😀
If I’m the heroine:
I will not allow the Hero to manhandle me unless I manhandle him first.
I will not chew on my lower lip. It hurts and makes them chapped.
Things NOT to do when I am the Heroine
1.Be a size 10 and not whine about being ” a big girl”
2. Not trust the hero just because he says ” trust me”
3.Not go out alone because I just HAVE TO if there is a bad guy that escaped prison whose only purpose in life is to KILL ME.
4. Not dream about one day being a mommy even though it’d be dangerous to the plot or my health because somewhere around page 179, I will be knocked up with twins.
5. I will NOT cry and whine and bitch about a man for 500 pages and THEN decide to spend the rest of my life with him just because he knows how to make my honey flow.
Can somebody please write up some legislation requiring authors (of all kinds, including accounting how-to books, BECAUSE YOU NEVER KNOW) to read these comments before they write anything?
I had totally blocked out all the “standing in front of a mirror and mentally describing myself” crap I read in my teens. YAAAAAAARGH!
When I am the heroine, I will not talk all the time about how wee I am. My waspish little waist, my petite little frame, my “how oh how can I kick so much ass when I’m only knee-high to a grasshopper” staure. If I was a real girl and tried that shit at brunch, I’d get smacked.
And when I am the hero (cuz you can gender-bed on SBTB! Yee haw!) I will put on a shirt and keep it on, because that’s what we do in polite society. Also? I will have no damn idea how to ride a horse, and I will be fine with that.
When I am the heroine, I will NOT:
1. SCREAM my orgasms. I may moan, sob, swear, yell, but screams will not pass these lips (har). I mean, what’s up with that anyway? Real screams would startle or annoy the hero, the dog and the neighbors.
2. Automatically assume the hero has done something, anything, to wound me. If I am angry or don’t understand, I will speak up like an adult. The hero will afford me the same consideration.
3. Let my hands shake when I touch the perfection that is the body of my hero. Hands flopping like trout on the floor is not the image or mood I’m looking for.
4. Have hair on my head that matches The Hair That Is Elsewhere because NO ONE DOES, they just don’t. Summary execution for anyone using “downy” or “tawny” in this context.
5. Let anyone repeatedly describe any part of my anatomy, including my hands, as “tiny” or “petite.” Fuck.That.
I will not chew on my lower lip. It hurts and makes them chapped. Kaitlin, I agree completely.
Hey, SB Sarah, this has been unexpectedly fun, if not downright cathartic.
When I am Anita Blake…
I will get some fashion sense and maybe try wearing something other than Nikes and polo shirts.
I will see someone about that scar licking I seem to like so much
When I am the heroine, I won’t run out and buy all new clothes and have a makeover and lose weight and learn to walk in 4-inch heels and learn how to flirt in order to win the hero. If he can’t handle my chronic messiness, then it’s obviously not twooo luuuuv.
I haven’t laughed so hard since first finding the Evil Emperor list – though more for Anita Blake than just the vampires.
2 topics I’d like to suggest for someone more creative than I am:
When I’m the Other Woman, I’ll…
When I’m the Plagiarist, I’ll…
Guess we could consult Cassie Edwards on that one.
Seriously, y’all are funny.
When I am the heroine I will:
1. Not feel guilty just because I had sex with the hero, or anyone else for that matter, unless I’m already in a committed relationship.
2. Not freak out and second guess myself just because his ex shows up, she’s his EX for a reason.
3. Wear make-up/high heels/a push up bra if and when I feel like it without feeling like a tramp.
4. Have my own hobbies/interests/friends and I won’t ditch them just because the hero decides he doesn’t like them or they’re not ‘appropriate’.
5. Use birth control because shot gun weddings are not sexy dammit!
When I am Anita Blake I will:
1. Either dump the lot of them or get over my guilt about sleeping with every male I meet.
2. Sleep alone occasionally, at night, in a ratty old t-shirt, with a penguin.
3. Enough with the god-modding already, there has to be SOMETHING she can’t do!
When I’m the heroine I will not:
1. Let everyone walk over me until the last quarter of the book. I will stand up for myself from the beginning.
2. Tell myself I’m immune to the hero, and then act surprised at myself to find out that I like the hero.
Things I will do if I am a modern-day romance heroine.
1. No matter how passionate we are, I will insist on condoms during sex. Scratch that, if I have to insist on it, the passion will die.
2. I won’t have sex with any man that I don’t like or trust enough to tell him that I’m pregnant despite said protection
Things I will do if I am any romance heroine.
1. If the hero insists I can’t resist him, I’ll laugh, because that’s an insanely pompous thing to say.
2. If my friends and family insist the Rake and Cad is, well, a Rake and Cad, I won’t insist that they don’t UNDERSTAND him! Their brains aren’t hormone-soaked, so their understanding is probably better than mine.
3. If the hero refers to me as a whore for anything short of my telling him that I take Visa while we’re discussing sex, I’ll consider the relationship to not be going anywhere healthy.
I am enjoying this thread, and have quite the list of things I’d enjoy doing “When I’m the heroine…” (graceful sex while 8 months pregnant for starters)because what the hell else is fiction for?
But Darlynne…is this true? The drapes and carpet thing – they don’t match on most people? I’m a red head (never dyed it – yet), well, everywhere…and it’s pretty much the same shade – ‘cept where I’m going gray…on my head for chrissakakes…for now – sheesh, does that happen too? Oh God, it probably does.
Also – I looked up the def of “tawny” –adjective
1. of a dark yellowish or dull yellowish-brown color.
–noun
2. a shade of brown tinged with yellow; dull yellowish brown.
Not very complimentary, sounds kinda like poop, I daresay. Author was doing those poor pre-Clairol dull girls a favor!
>>Forever is a long time—I might need to save some cutting insults for down the road.
I loved this one!!