Deep in the back file cabinet, in the recesses of the Harlequin office, there exists a file folder. It hides behind the “Confidential: Grave Location, Jimmy Hoffa” folder, and the sealed file marked “Truth about Turin, Shroud of.” It’s even nestled in the shadow of the “Dion, Celine: Home Planet Location” folder.
It’s the “Forbidden Titles” file. A list of titles so bad, even the folks down in the Harlequin Presents office aren’t allowed to look at them, for fear they wrest control of the empire away from the publishers and wreak havoc on our understanding of romance as we know it.
Your intrepid Smart Bitches, though, they know how to jimmy the lock on an old metal file cabinet, while holding cosmopolitans in one hand and a stack of Bombshells in the other. Behold: the titles you will never see in a Harlequin Presents novel.
The Painfully Shy Computer Geek’s Russian Bride
The Italian Tycoon’s Restraining Order
The Basement-Dwelling Mama’s Boy’s Virginity
The Stupid White Man’s Dark-skinned Secret Baby
The Heiress’ Purple Cheekbone Bruises
The Crack Whore’s Secret Babies, All Three of Them, Plus a Couple of Toddlers, Too (Hey Man, Who can Keep Track Of All Those Moving Things When You’re High?)
The Boardroom Mistress’s Sexual Harrassment Lawsuit
The Porn Star Thinks Positive
The Morbidly Obese Lady’s Secret Pregnancy
The Heir’s DID Mistress’s Other Personality’s Mail-Order Bride”
The Hungarian Tycoon’s Yugo
Love in the El Camino
The Billionaire’s Incontinent Wife
The Spaniard’s Mostly Virginal Bride, Because Anal Totally Doesn’t Count
The Greek’s Underage Cambodian Whore
A Scandalous Accounting Discrepancy
Pregnancy by Turkey Baster
The Billionaire’s Bulimic Supermodel Mistress
His Secret Weeping Sores
Bound by A Really Fat Dominatrix
The Disobedient Bottom
Herpes Infection of Revenge
Expecting the Playboy’s HIV Test To Come Back Negative
Fellating the Father of the Groom
The Secret of Michael Jackson’s Neverland Ranch
The Mediterranean Mogul’s Secret One-Testicled Lovechild
The Sheikh’s Obnoxious Halitosis
You mean they will be using:
His Duct-Taped Hamster
The Baby Doctor’s Doctored Baby
Her Latin Lover’s Iambic Hexameter
The Greek Tycoon’s Freak Typhoon
The Chilean General’s Guilty Verdict
and from the Regency drawers:
Hey There, Lonely Earl
The Barren Baroness
Out for the Viscount
The Rake, the Spade and the Hoe
(Now somebody will tell me that one of these is real…)
O.M.G. I fell off my chair laughing. My children’s worst fears have been confirmed- I’m sertifiably insane & their college money (such as it is) will be spent keeping me locked up far, far away from bodice ripping porn for housewives.
Sorry about the shitty spelling. I told you I’m certifiable. That ought to have been ‘certifiable.’
I swear I think that I read “The Disobediant Bottom” before… Ha! What a great entry, I loved it!
Oh man, and I was soooo looking forward to The Porn Star Thinks Positive – both the story and the cover.
And Stephen, my mind put a dirty little spin on His Duct-Taped Hamster so, um, yeah…I’m off for some brain bleach.
::whistles innocently as she walks away::
Stephen, that was better than cheap, leftover Halloween candy.
Did this topic stem from the actual title of a new HQ presents: “The Pregnacy Revenge”? Coz, that took me aback.
It’s CRACK ‘HO nowadays. I think back in the day was “The Dock Whore’s Secret Syphilitic Duke’s Scion.” You know, when ‘hos were whores.
Did this topic stem from the actual title of a new HQ presents: “The Pregnacy Revenge�
It was just looking at the collection of HP titles in toto and realizing that all the time we were making fun of the titles? We didn’t need to. They were making fun of themselves. Some of them, like The Brazilian’s Blackmailed Bride, are SO BAD that there’s no way I could’ve thought them up.
Anyway, funny you should mention the pregnancy revenge title, because that was the direct inspiration for Herpes Infection of Revenge. Because really, a pregnancy as revenge is 18 years of child support, but herpes? Is forever.
Should I be lining up to read “Everybody Loves a Horny, Fat Chick” or is that more of a sitcom thing?
The Billionaire’s Bulimic Supermodel Mistress.
Is this copyrighted? I’m thinking I can join that Nano thing last minute and cook me up something good using that title. Because it is too perfect and I am laughing too hard.
Oh man.
That’s all.
Oh….man….
Arethusa: GO FOR IT.
If you do end up using it, just let us know what kind of story you ended up writing.
You know, down in the HP basement, there are about 5 Master Wheels. Whenever they need a title, they spin ‘em. Words like “Tycoon,” “Secret,” “Mistress,” “Lover,” etc, cover these wheels. Whatever comes up when the wheels stop spinning… thus are books dubbed!
“The… Greek… Mistress’s… Secret… Virgin… Tycoon…” YES! It’s perfect! So what if the story’s set in Kansas?
::Sniff:: I’ll have you know I write Presents. And I can’t wait for the day I have my very own Tycoon’s Tart’s Tryst title.
X
The Secret of the Plumber’s Butt Crack
Passion on Roller Skates
She Dreams in Rubber
Although I fear if I spend too much time in Ellora’s Cave, I just might find that last one.
The Sultana’s Enormous Moustache
Tamed by his Widening Wife
The Spanish Surgeon’s Malpractice Pursuit
Stalking the Lustful Proctologist
The Copraphile Catches a Wife
Slave to the Moral Mormon
The Mistress’ Marriage in a Convenience
In the Arms of the Septuagenarian Sheikh
In my future reincarnation as Barbarella Oxcarthide I vow to write all of the above.
Wait a sec. Weren’t some of these used in the Goofy Names/New Title Generator contest?
Though I’ll contend that E.D’Trix didn’t need the generator for “Gettin’ Dirty With the Windy Janitor”…
Love in the El Camino
I can see it now: they’re standing in the back, she’s lying with her throat exposed, bosom heaving, and blond hair fanned out across the navy blue hood. His shirt is open, exposing the Italian Stallion’s short and curlies, his sho-lo flapping in the wind.
Cover blurb: Will Drake be able to give up his car for Vanessa, the one true love of his life? Or will Vanessa have to resort to disguising herself as a man, and taking an autoshop class just so she can spend time with Drake? Will Drake and Vanessa find more than Love in the El Camino??
The Copraphile Catches a Wife
I admit, I’m looking forward to this one the most. Question: is The Mistress’ Marriage in a Convenience the sequel?
Gettin’ Dirty With the Windy Janitor
Oh my God – I think I just had a heart attack. They’ll put it on my tombstone – Died Laughing.
I thought up some funny ones, but NO WAY can they hold a candle.
More! More!
The Mistress’ Marriage in a Convenience is indeed the sequel.
It features the copraphile’s lavatorophobic tycoon cousin who forces an innocent young convent-educated virgin to become his mistress.
This is in revenge for her step-brother “bog-washing” him at a tender age causing unspeakable damage to his psyche whose symptom is an inability to flush. To overcome the trauma he manfully ravishes her in any public convenience he finds until ultimately her sweet innocence and pure piney scent cause him to love her.
But unable to admit his love, even to himself, he forces her to marry him and claims he only wants her for her ability to scrub a u-bend.
However, a build-up of methane causes a freak cesspit explosion which nearly kills the heroine. Overcome with emotion the hero reveals his feelings at last and they celebrate their luuurrrve in beautiful outhouse in the country.
Love Lies Oozing
Lord McFarland and His Engaging Member
Come Again, My Swarthy Botswain
To Love an Irish Setter
Latex Love- a Regency Romp
Annie and the Titular Head
The Snaggle Tooth Virgin Finds a Baby
The Pregnancy of Revenge. Gosh, that’s so romantic I might… become a lesbian.
These are hilarious! I think my favorite is The Porn Star Thinks Positive. It offers so many possibilities.
If you put the titles of some of those HQN Greek/Sheikh etc books together, you would have the blurb for a really bad noveL: THE SHEIKH’S UNWILLING RUNAWAY BRIDE became THE GREEK TYCOON’S SECRET MISTRESS but now she’s been BLACKMAILED INTO BED and she’s HAVING THE ITALIAN COUNT’S BABY!