We read Toxic Desire by Robin Lovett, and we had a LOT to talk about. Spoilers abound! But with forked tongued aliens sporting aphrodisiac venom fangs and gold body armor crash landing on a toxic sex gas planet, that’s not a surprise.
Thank you to Melody, Erin, and Amanda for making this episode so much fun!
…
Music: Purple-Planet.com
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Here are the books we discuss in this podcast:
You can subscribe to Heaving Bosoms wherever you get your fine, funny podcasts!
And you can hear the episode I was a guest on where Melody and I discussed Nicholas: Lords of the Satyr by Elizabeth Amber.
Looking for more podcasts? Of course you are! Check out The Mermaid Podcast!
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Transcript
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[music]
Sarah Wendell: Hello there, and welcome to a very special crossover episode of Smart Podcast, Trashy Books. I am very excited about this! Also, heads up, this is so Not Safe For Work. Like, if you think, oh, I really can’t listen to this podcast with other people around, you really can’t listen to this one with other people around. But do expect to be laughing! This is a special crossover, extended-length episode where Amanda and I are joined by Melody and Erin from the absolutely, incredibly delightful podcast Heaving Bosoms. Now, I was a guest on their show recently, and so they have returned the favor. We read Toxic Desire by Robin Lovett, and we had so much fun discussing it. Spoilers everywhere, but if your thing is fork-tongue aliens sporting aphrodisiac venom fangs and gold body armor crash landing with a human on a toxic sex gas planet, well, you’re going to enjoy this very much. Like, I said, this is ex-t-reme-ly Not Safe For Work, and it’s extra long – heh-heh. We loved every bonkers moment of this conversation, and we hope you do too.
Now, I will have links to where you can find everything about Heaving Bosoms – yes, you definitely want to tune in if you don’t already. And, speaking of podcasts, if you are looking for another new show to try, please check out The Mermaid Podcast!
Laura von Holt: Hi! I’m Laura von Holt from The Mermaid Podcast, part of the Frolic Podcast Network. The Mermaid Podcast is – you guessed it – all about mermaids. I cover everything from mermaid legends and history to mermaids in pop culture, movies, and TV. My guests include mermaid experts, mermaid historians, mermaid authors, mermaid charities, mermaid tail makers, and even professional mermaids. Yes! Being a mermaid is a real job! So whether you have legs or fins, are a mermaid queen or a mermaid at heart, The Mermaid Podcast has something for you. You can find us at mermaidpodcast.com and wherever you listen to your favorite podcasts.
Sarah: So basically, if you were thinking, wow, I’ve got more time, I’d like more podcasts, we’ve got The Mermaid Podcast, we’ve got Heaving Bosoms guesting on the show, and there’s, like, a whole bunch of podcasts in the Frolic Network, so we’re here to hook you up! Basically, if you need things to listen to, we want to help you out. But also, thank you for listening to this show. I really appreciate it!
I also want to say hello and welcome three – no, four, yes, four! – four new Patreon community members. Hello and thank you to Linda, Naomi, Gwen, and Cassandra. Thank you so much! Your help with the show means that it keeps going, and the whole Patreon community makes sure that every episode is transcribed by a professional, human transcriber [garlicknitter: waves to readers], which I kind of like supporting independent businesses that way. Thank you for making every episode accessible to everyone, and thank you for supporting the show.
If you would like to have a look at our Patreon levels: patreon.com/SmartBitches.
This episode is brought to you in part by Headspace. If you are one of the thirty-four percent of Americans who made a resolution to be less stressed, or you’re not an American but you also want to be less stressed, and you like to try meditation, Headspace is here to help. Headspace is your daily dose of mindfulness in the form of guided meditations in an easy-to-use app. Headspace is one of the only meditation apps advancing the field of mindfulness and meditation through clinically validated research, so whatever the situation, Headspace really can help you feel better. If you need help falling asleep, Headspace has new wind-down sessions every week, and their members swear by how effective they are. Amanda particularly loves these. If you’re feeling overwhelmed, Headspace has a three-minute SOS meditation just for you. And for parents, Headspace even has morning meditations you do with your kids! Headspace’s approach to mindfulness can reduce stress, improve sleep, boost focus, and increase your overall sense of wellbeing. I definitely agree. I have now been using Headspace for over sixty consecutive days, and I really like it. Right now I’m doing a session, a course – there’s individual courses where there’s maybe ten, twenty, thirty sessions that you work your way through – this one that I’m doing is on balance, which I am really, really enjoying, and I love the feeling I have after I finish sitting and listening to each session. Headspace is backed by twenty-five published studies on its benefits – [big voice] – SIX HUNDRED THOUSAND FIVE-STAR REVIEWS, and OVER SIXTY MILLION DOWNLOADS! That’s in ALL CAP, so I have to say it in a big voice. Headspace makes it easy for you to build a life-changing meditation practice with mindfulness that works for you on your schedule, anytime, anywhere! You deserve to feel happier – yes, you do – and Headspace is meditation made simple! Go to headspace.com/SARAH – that’s headspace.com/SARAH, S-A-R-A-H – for a free one-month trial with access to Headspace’s entire library of meditations for every situation. This is the best deal offered right now, so head over – heh-heh – to headspace.com/SARAH today!
This episode is also brought to you by Native aluminum-free deodorant, which is a great addition to your 2021 routine! Native cares about what you put on your armpits. That’s why their deodorant’s ingredient list includes things you’ve actually heard of, like coconut oil and shea butter. Another plus, none of their products were tested on animals, and almost everything is vegan! Native is risk-free to try: every product comes with free shipping within the US, plus free thirty-day returns and exchanges if you don’t like it, and they have options. They have sensitive deodorants for people with baking soda sensitivities, they plastic-free if you’re trying to cut down your plastic consumption, and there’s even an unscented option. If you want to try something a little different, they have special rotating seasonal scents, like blood orange and clove or candy cane. And if you like things automated, you can even subscribe to Native so you’ll never have to sweat – ha-ha – about running out of deodorant again. Make the switch to Native today by going to nativedeo.com/TRASHYBOOKS or use promo code TRASHYBOOKS at checkout and get twenty percent off your first order. That’s nativedeo.com/TRASHYBOOKS or use promo code TRASHYBOOKS at checkout for twenty percent off your first order.
Are you ready for an epic, silly, laughter-filled, absolutely Not Safe For Work, supremely inappropriate, and totally hilarious podcast crossover? Let’s talk to Melody, Erin, and Amanda about Toxic Desire. On with the podcast.
[music]
Sarah: I am so excited to do this. Thank you guys so much!
Erin: This is not a favor. This is a privilege.
[Laughter]
Melody: This is, this is what I have been looking forward to all fucking week!
Sarah: Oh, thank you, Melody! All right, so –
Melody: Oh my gosh.
Sarah: – I don’t know if we’ve actually met in person – hi! I’m Sarah –
Erin: Hello!
Sarah: – that’s Amanda.
[Laughter]
Melody: Hi, Amanda!
Erin: Hello, Amanda!
Amanda: Hi!
Melody: I definitely haven’t spoken to you before. How are you?
Amanda: No! Good! All things considered.
Sarah: All right –
Erin: Yeah, I hear that.
Sarah: – so this is entirely Amanda’s fault, because I texted her on Slack and I was like, listen, I need a batshit novella? And she was like, oh. Okay, how ‘bout, how ‘bout aliens on a sex gas planet with – [laughs] – with aphrodisiac fangs?
Melody: Honestly, Amanda, I have to say a hearty and, and, and just, like, from my core –
[Laughter]
Melody: – thank you!
Amanda: You’re welcome! [Laughs]
Melody: For the –
Erin: May I make a prediction?
Melody: I have already, I’ve already purchased the rest –
Erin: Yep.
Melody: – of the series.
Erin: I was going to say –
[Laughter]
Erin: – I would like to predict that Melody Carlisle unironically loved this book.
Melody: Yes! And you know what, I’m fucking proud to love this thing!
Amanda: Why not? Why not?
Melody: [Laughs] Oh, I loved it!
Sarah: If alien fucking is your thing, this has plenty of your thing.
Melody: Oh my gosh.
Sarah: And that’s okay!
Amanda: It’s one of those books where, like, okay, you’re think you’re getting this, but wait, there’s this.
Erin: Yes. [Laughs]
Amanda: But wait, there’s even more!
Sarah: And then there’s this other thing.
Amanda: And there’s sex venom! Like, just –
Melody: Oh my gosh, there’s sex venom that also changes your motherfucking DNA, man!
Amanda: Yeah.
Melody: Like – [laughs]
Amanda: I never had sex that great, I will tell you that.
Melody: Then there’s that whole sex society! It’s a sex society, you guys!
Sarah: We’re just going to all hang –
Amanda: And they’re blue.
Sarah: – in transparent houses from now on!
Amanda: With blue people.
Melody: Oh my God!
Sarah: Okay.
Melody: Oh my God.
Sarah: Oh my God. So thank you for this, Amanda. You have made all of us so happy!
Amanda: I do what I can. I do what I can.
Sarah: You have made us so happy.
Melody: You made my dreams come true.
[Laughter]
Melody: Seriously.
Sarah: I mean, it was so good she put on lipstick and eyeliner!
Melody: Yes.
Erin: You have eyeliner too?
Melody: Yeah, bitch! I came, I came swinging! [Laughs]
Sarah: This is Bitches and Bosoms, right?
Melody: That’s right. I needed my, I needed my armor on for this, my diamond-plated armor!
[Laughter]
Amanda: Meanwhile, like, my hair is hiding the obscene pile of laundry, like, on my bed, so.
Erin: I would, I mean, you have some really delicious volume, Amanda.
Amanda: Thank you!
Melody: Her hair is literally full of secrets!
Erin: It is!
Melody: It’s hiding your secrets!
[Laughter]
Sarah: Okay, so since we’ve already started talking, I’m going to –
Melody: Yes.
Sarah: – back up a second. Erin –
Erin: Yes!
Sarah: – would you please introduce yourself?
Erin: I’m Erin. I – we had trouble with this the last time!
[Laughter]
Sarah: I’m Erin, and that’s all we have for you, sorry.
Erin: I’m Erin. I’m on the podcast Heaving Bosoms with Melody –
[Laughter]
Erin: – one of the Bosoms.
Melody: Mm-hmm. That’s right.
Sarah: Are you the left bosom? Or the right?
Erin: What did we just – didn’t we do this one time?
Amanda: Are you the slightly bigger bosom?
Melody: You’re the left bosom.
Erin: I’m the left bosom, yep.
Melody: You’re the left bosom, Erin.
Erin: Mm-hmm.
Sarah: Do you hang a little lower?
Melody: Just like, just like you’re the left brain of our friendship, you are also the left bosom.
Erin: I’m probably, like, the misshapen bosom, like the one that’s a little off. That’s –
[Laughter]
Melody: No. What?! Come on.
Amanda: Melody disagrees.
Melody: You’ve seen inside my brain.
[Laughter]
Melody: I, I have to be the misshapen one.
Erin: All right, fine, we’ll both be weird Bosoms.
Melody: Oh yeah! Oh yeah.
Sarah: And Melody, would you introduce yourself and your bosom?
[Laughter]
Melody: Of course! I’m Melody Carlisle, and I’m the other half of Heaving Bosoms, and I’m really stoked to be here! Talking about insane alien romance that I –
Erin: My God!
Melody: – unironically worship.
Sarah: I am so happy, because, I mean, when I was a guest on your show –
Melody: Yeah.
Sarah: – we read Nicholas –
Melody and Sarah: – The Lords of Satyr.
[Laughter]
Sarah: With the double penis. [Laughs]
Melody: That’s right.
Amanda: It’s a, it’s a rite of passage, reading –
Erin: With the abdominal penis.
Sarah: Oh yeah. Oh yeah.
Melody: Yeah.
Sarah: And the, and the Seeker, don’t forget the Seeker who crawls out from behind your ballsack.
Melody: The, the Zamboni of love!
Sarah: Yes, of course!
[Laughter]
Sarah: Just cleans the whole area! Erin –
Melody: That’s right!
Sarah: – I, I hope that you have read this –
Melody: Also heals!
Sarah: – ‘cause it’s, oooh!
Erin: I did not. I did –
Amanda: He’s like the little –
Erin: – listen to the show, though, and I did actually tell a non-romance-reader about it last night, because I was telling her about this, and –
Melody: [Laughs]
Erin: – she was like, what would you even do with that other penis? And I was like, think about it!
[Laughter]
Melody: Just for, just a hot second, man!
Erin: Look, let, let that noodle cook a little bit there, and you’ll figure it out.
[Laughter]
Amanda: The Seeker reminds me of that weird little robot in WALL-E, M-O, who just, all he does is just –
Melody: Yeess!
Amanda: [Laughs]
Erin: That’s right.
Amanda: Doesn’t say a word, except for his name.
Melody: [Laughs] Yeah.
Amanda: It just goes around –
Melody: Uh-huh!
Amanda: – cleaning it up!
Erin: Oh, it’s so good.
Sarah: So when you reached out to me to be on our show, I was like, well, now I need to, like, show up with some good books.
[Laughter]
Melody: You showed up with Nicholas, though!
Sarah: And I’ll be honest –
[Crosstalk]
Erin: You’re the one who showed up!
Melody: Yeah!
Sarah: Yeah, but now I needed to bring you something that was as good as Nicholas, because, I mean –
Erin: Yeah.
Sarah: – that’s a really, that’s a really high bar. Like, it’s hard –
Erin: You did it.
Sarah: – to top Nicholas: The Lords of Satyr, which my, my husband –
Erin: Uh-huh.
Sarah: – still believes is about Passover.
[Laughter]
Melody: I love that for him.
Erin: Yeah. What a great journey!
[Crosstalk]
Sarah: I’m like, oh yeah. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
[Laughter]
Amanda: Tot-, yeah, seder, got it.
Sarah: Yeah, he, he lets his, he lets his people go.
[Laughter]
Sarah: So I reached out, I reached out to Amanda, and I said, Amanda, I need a really, really messed-up novella, and she’s like, I got you. Here you go!
Melody: Ah!
Sarah: So we read –
Melody: I’m so excited.
Sarah: – this book, and we have to attempt – [laughs] – to recap it!
Erin: Oh, don’t worry!
Melody: Oh, I’ve, I’m good!
Erin: With this.
Melody: I’m here!
Sarah: All right, Melody!
Melody: I do this for a living, man!
Sarah: I, I know. I know, and I am –
Melody: I’m ready.
Sarah: I, I have so many highlights?
[Laughter]
Sarah: I have something that I want to make into – oh my God, Erin is bouncing!
Erin: I’m on my bouncy ball.
Amanda: I have to look at my highlights!
Sarah: I have highlights. I have something that I want to cross-stitch from this book?
[Laughter]
Sarah: I want to make some –
Erin: Is it about sparkly jizz? Is it?
Sarah: No, but that is highlighted –
Erin: Okay.
Sarah: – because how do you not?
Erin: All right, fair enough.
Sarah: How do you not highlight the sparkly jizz, right?
Melody: I know, it’s unicorn jizz! [Laughs]
Erin: You can drink it, but you’ll leave, you’ll live a half life, a cursed life.
[Laughter]
Amanda: It’ll be worth it though, right? It’s got to be worth it!
Erin: Because it’s so meaty on the way down!
Melody: It’s meaty!
Amanda: Oh God.
Erin: That phrase made my whole body just shrivel.
Melody: I highlighted it just for you.
Erin: Oh my gosh. I almost texted it to you, and then I was like, no, we have to do it live on the podcast. We have to do it live!
Melody: [Laughs]
Sarah: Not only was it meaty jizz, but it was sweet too.
Erin: Sweet and – ahhh.
Sarah: Like it was somehow both –
Amanda: If only.
Sarah: – the meal and the dessert.
Erin: Bleah.
Melody: Obviously!
Amanda: If only.
Melody: Yeah. Whoo!
Erin: All right.
Melody: Okay, so this is Toxic Desire by Robin Lovett, right?
Sarah: Yes, and we –
Erin: That’s right.
Sarah: – and we emphatically love it.
[Laughter]
Erin: Lovett!
Sarah: Oh, oh yeah. Oh, oh yeah! Like –
Erin: Yes.
Sarah: There, there’s, like, a whole specific genre, I think, of romances –
Melody: Mm-hmm!
Sarah: – where you’re not going to hand this book to someone that’s not fluent in the genre?
[Laughter]
Sarah: You’re not going to be like, oh, you’ve never read romance; start here. You’re not going to give this as –
Amanda: No, I feel –
Sarah: – like, an intro, but to those who are fluent in the genre –
Erin: Ohhh.
Sarah: – this is a very special type of romance.
Amanda: I don’t, I don’t know. I said, if this is your first book or you’re going to give this as a first book, this is, like, a sink or swim scenario. Like –
Erin: [Laughs]
Melody: That’s true!
Amanda: [Laughs]
Melody: That’s true.
Sarah: Yeah, they might run screaming.
Amanda: You want to get into it? Like, sink or swim, you’ll know.
Melody: Yeah, no! Toss ‘em in, toss ‘em in the deep end, you know?
Sarah: To the, to the alien fucking, the pool of alien fucking.
Melody: Yeah, yeah! I mean –
Sarah: That is a, that is a technique.
Melody: Actually, at a dinner party with my, with my baby at that point just crawling around me, somebody was like, oh, what do you do? And I was like, well, I do this, and then I have a, a romance novel podcast, and she was like, whoa! What’s, like, what’s that about? And about two minutes later I was like, well, and then we did this episode about this whole society that’s based on double penetration! And, like, you know, it’s –
[Laughter]
Sarah: These are the types of conversations I do not have at synagogue.
Melody: [Laughs]
Amanda: I work in an independent bookstore in the, like, greater Boston area, and one of the owners said, what are you doing this weekend? I was like, well –
[Laughter]
Amanda: – I’m recording a podcast about a romance that’s set on a sex planet, and he’s like –
Melody: Yes.
Amanda: – okay! Yeah. [Laughs] Okay.
Melody: I’m slowly backing away from this conversation now! [Laughs]
Amanda: I didn’t really want to know, and now I really don’t want to know.
[Laughter]
Melody: Oh my gosh, I loved everything about this. So who did you like more? Nemona or Oten?
Amanda: Oten.
Melody: Did you have a favorite?
Amanda: I’m, I liked Oten better than Nemona. She’s a little prickly, not that I mind a prickly heroine.
Melody: [Laughs] Erin can’t decide!
Amanda: But I feel like her, her, like, backstory was a little weird.
Melody: Mm-hmm.
Sarah: Changed a lot, based on what the story needed?
Amanda: Yeah!
Erin: It did change quite a bit over the whole thing!
Sarah: Her motivations made a lot of switches, right?
Melody: Uh-huh, uh-huh.
Amanda: Yeah, and I feel like Oten being, like, part of this race of people that’s been, like, hunted and massacred throughout history –
Erin: The Ssedez?
Amanda: Yes. The double S.
[Laughter]
Amanda: You know, I got it! I got why –
Melody: Yeah.
Amanda: – he was so cranky!
Erin: Yeah.
Melody: Yeah, I hear that. So it starts off with Nemona on her ship, and she’s the general, she’s General Nem, and she’s, like, totally armored up, and you can’t see her face, and you can’t see her cunt; you can’t see anything on her, right? Everybody is, like –
Sarah: Because that generally hangs out when you’re wearing armor, and you just have –
Melody: [Laughs] Right! I mean –
Sarah: – your bits just hanging out there, yeah.
Melody: – if it’s good armor, you know –
Erin: At first –
Melody: – just not my style armor –
Erin: – I thought that the solution of, like, men treat women badly in the military, so we’re just going to cover them head to toe and make it illegal to tell anyone your sex, at first I was like –
Sarah: Mm-hmm.
Erin: – that’s ridiculous, book, and then I was like –
Melody: [Laughs]
Erin: – mm, actually that does seem to be a very human solution to a problem where we could just, like –
[Laughter]
Erin: – have better attitudes toward people.
Amanda: Like, no either/ors. Like, no, we’re not going to fix it; you’re just going to cover yourself all the time.
Sarah: Yep, and you’re going to use a voice –
[Crosstalk]
Erin: So this is realistic. [Laughs]
Sarah: Yeah! You’re going to use a voice coder to disguise –
Melody: Yeah!
Sarah: – your voice; you’re going to hide your – and then if someone reveals their gender to you, you’re going to be like – [gasps] – you’ve broken the law!
Melody: How dare you?!
Erin: Yeah! You’ll be punished?
Melody: You put your boobs away!
Erin: Yeah. Yep. That seems like a –
Sarah: We’ve all got this –
Erin: – very military solution to a, a very solvable problem. [Laughs]
Melody: That’s right!
Sarah: Right?
Amanda: That’s right!
Melody: So she’s on her ship, and she’s, they’re being boarded; they’re being taken over; they’re being attacked. And there’s this –
Sarah: Yep. And it’s bad.
Melody: Oh, it’s, it’s super bad. There are, like, crew dead all over the place. They have no idea –
Sarah: There’s a lot of murder.
Melody: Yeah, they have no idea how these, these guys got onto their ship. They’re like golden gods, and I did like that in this scene she was like, must murder him! Why can’t I murder him?
Amanda: [Laughs]
Melody: Because I liked the fact that she, you know, had those reservations before she got to toxic planet, you know? But anyway, he basically has the same thing. He’s like, need to murder this, this dude! Can’t! And so he pushes her into an escape pod, they push the, somebody’s ass hits the button, and off they go.
Amanda: Erin’s raising her hand! She’s raising her hand.
Melody: Yes, Erin.
Erin: Well, thank you, Amanda. Melody –
Amanda: [Laughs]
Erin: – acknowledge when I raise my hand on the podcast, so I’m glad you’re here.
Melody: I’m like, it’s your podcast, man! Just talk!
Erin: Well, I don’t want to interrupt you.
[Laughter]
Erin: Why, why Oten push Nem into a pod and fly away? It doesn’t really make sense! Why he do dis?
Melody: He could just not kill her!
Sarah: No, ‘cause the ship was about to crash. I think the ship –
Melody: Right!
Sarah: – they realized that the ship was being sucked into the gravity of sex planet –
Erin: So he was just going to save –
Sarah: – and the only thing they knew about – yeah, and I think the only thing they knew about sex planet was that they were going to die if they crash landed on the sex planet.
Melody: Yeah, they thought it was a fire planet.
Erin: Right.
Melody: And remember –
Erin: And it was.
Melody: – he is – yeah. Oh yeah, it was a fire, fiery planet. It was hot down there!
Sarah: Loin, loin fire, loin fire.
Melody: Oh yeah.
Amanda: I did, I did highlight a passage where it’s like, the fire in her loins, and, like, man, do I hate the word loins! I just hated that.
Melody: Oooh! I love it!
Erin: Melody loves loins!
Amanda: Why?
Melody: [Sighs]
Erin: Girds her loins –
[Crosstalk]
Erin: Girds her loins for things that are not sexual every day.
Melody: So much, Amanda! So much! [Laughs]
Amanda: Ooh!
Melody: No, but remember, there is a justification for this, Erin, because he has to push her into the pod because he’s got to torture her for information about the rest of the Ten Systems!
Amanda: Yeah, duh!
Melody: That’s the only reason he would possibly do that. Not because he has a secret Fated Mate connection to her that he doesn’t even know about yet!
Sarah: No.
Melody: It couldn’t be that!
Sarah: Nooo.
Erin: But he also says, I will tell you everything about the Ssedez you humans have wanted to know but have never been able to understand, and then I will kill you –
Sarah: Yeah.
Erin: – and it’s like –
Melody: And then I will murder you dead!
Amanda: But, like, why? You know –
Amanda and Melody: Why?
Amanda: Why, why that step? That step’s not necessary.
Erin: Not necessary!
Melody: Because of hot banter!
Erin: Additional, extra effort!
Amanda: I guess.
Sarah: He’s got to monologue, you guys! He’s got –
Erin: I guess.
Sarah: – to monologue about his people before he murders her a lot.
Melody: That’s right; how is he going to achieve ultimate murder-smolder, Erin? If he’s not monologuing?
Erin: Don’t tease me with murder-smolder.
[Laughter]
Erin: You know that this man doesn’t have a murder-smolder.
Melody: He does, he does!
Erin: You know what a murder-smolder is, and it, there, this is not it.
Sarah: [Laughs]
Amanda: But you know, like, in real life, a man monologuing would just make you kill yourself instead.
[Laughter]
Erin: You’re right, Amanda. Yeah.
Amanda: Yeah, I’m done; I’m tapping out.
Erin: Uh-huh.
Amanda: I don’t care about anything that is coming out of your mouth.
Erin: [Laughs]
Melody: So they land on this planet, and they, they, like, get out of the thing, and then it’s so hot or something, and so they have to strip down, probably?
Amanda: Take your clothes off!
Melody: Something like that? And then they start fighting –
Amanda: [Laughs]
Melody: – they start tits-out fighting, which I did not hate at all. They, it’s just like, everything about it is, is my fucked-up catnip, you know?
Erin: When he sees that she is an alien lady, he describes her –
Melody: Yeah.
Erin: – as having – this is, I just wanted to read this aloud –
Sarah: Please.
Erin: – “an array of delicate cheekbones and full lips.”
Amanda: That’s it; that’s all she is. Just a pair of cheekbones and lips, nothing –
[Crosstalk, laughter]
Erin: Like, how –
Melody: No, it sounds like she has many pairs of cheekbones and –
[Laughter]
Erin: How much lips does she have?
Sarah: Well, she has multiple lips; he’s going to explore those later.
Amanda: And cheekbones.
Erin: Oh, get it, Sarah. Yep! That’s nice! That’s a good one.
[Laughter]
Melody: Yeah. So then, all of a sudden, they are overcome by the need to bone, to the point –
Amanda: Right Now!
Melody: – that they just, like, dry hump on each other until both of them come in their pants, and she talks about coming like down to her kneecaps!
[Laughter]
Amanda: Till her kneecaps blew out.
[More laughter]
Melody: It’s so good!
Amanda: And I’m just thinking, like, am I doing sex wrong? Is this supposed to happen?
Melody: I don’t know; I think we’ve got to get to Fyrian in order to find out, you know?
[Laughter]
Sarah: My favorite, my favorite highlight from, from chapter two – and I have many –
Erin: Yes, please.
Sarah: – I was, I was particularly charmed by round, rubied nipples –
Erin: Oh yes.
Melody: Oh yeah.
Erin: Oh yeah.
Sarah: – and her thighs vising my hips. I’ve never heard vise as a, as a verb before, but okay, yeah, I understand.
Melody: Ohhh yes!
Sarah: But my personal favorite is page thirteen, chapter two –
Amanda: Oh boy.
Melody: Mm-hmm.
Sarah: – something about this planet, the air, the heat, the steam –
Melody: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Sarah: – is fucking with us.
[Laughter]
Sarah: Ohhh really?
Melody: Oh, I’m so, I’m so into it. And, and at this point, I am gone.
Sarah: Oh yeah.
Melody: I, I already know –
[Laughter]
Sarah: This is why Melody was like, all right!
Melody: I already know –
Amanda: I’m in!
Melody: – I’m buying the whole series. I already know that I’m checking out whatever else Robin Lovett has ever written.
Sarah: Oh yeah.
Melody: Like, I’m, I’m, I’m a goner! It’s over.
Sarah: Oh yeah. Steamy sex planet plus Melody equals win!
Melody: Yeah! Just happiness.
Erin: I just, I, I don’t know if I can find it, like, I, I couldn’t find it hot because it was so funny, the idea of them, like, fight- –
Melody: Oh, I know!
Erin: – and then just all of a sudden just, like, humping things and, like, not being –
[Laughter]
Sarah: We have, we have walked twenty minutes; we will bone against a tree. Like, there’s –
Erin: Yeah!
Sarah: – there’s three distinct acts –
Melody: Uh-huh.
Sarah: – of this story. So act one is –
Melody: Yes!
Sarah: – we walk through the forest and we bone.
Melody: Mm-hmm.
Amanda: Yep.
Melody: It’s a road-trip romance, Sarah!
Sarah: It’s, it’s a bone-y road trip. They just –
Melody: Yeah, yeah!
Sarah: – they have to walk, and then they have to bone, and even the plants want them to bone.
Melody: Yes!
Amanda: Oh yeah!
Sarah: Like, if the plants caught her flesh –
Amanda: The plants are a bunch of dang perverts!
[Laughter]
Sarah: Yep! Caught her flesh, and then she gets horny-tones!
Melody: And they’re like, they’re violent perverts. They’re going to cut you –
Amanda: Oh yeah.
Melody: – and, and get that juice in you, you know?
Sarah: Oh yeah.
Erin: But wait –
Melody: That’s what they’re going to do.
Erin: – importantly, he bites her with his snake fangs.
Melody: Yes!
Erin: Guys, he’s a sssnake –
Amanda: He has a sex venom.
Erin: – just so you know.
[Laughter]
Amanda: He’s got a forked tongue –
Erin: Snake man.
Sarah: Yes.
Melody: Oh yeah, he does.
Erin: And he does bite her –
Sarah: Forked tongue.
Erin: – with his snake venom fangs, and then that makes her have –
Sarah: Because he can’t control himself!
Erin: – an orgasm.
Melody: Yeah.
Erin: But it’s –
Amanda: That’s tough.
Erin: You guys, it’s important for the plot. [Laughs]
Melody: It is! Thank you, Erin! Thank you! Oh, but, because, also important to the plot, she doesn’t even, I don’t even know if, if any of us knew he had fangs at this point, and she just looks at him and she goes, bite me! And then she’s like Sookie Stackhouse: bite me! And shows her his, shows him her neck.
Sarah: Oh yeah.
Melody: Give it to me! And then he bites her! But then we find out, from his perspective, that he hasn’t felt his venom come down; it’s like –
Erin: Hundreds of years.
Melody: – it’s, it’s almost, it’s almost like a –
Amanda: It’s, it’s like a Kresley Cole demon situation –
Erin: Yeah. It is. It is.
Amanda: – where demons –
Melody: I was thinking it was like –
Amanda: – can’t ejaculate unless he’s having sex with his mate!
Erin: Mm-hmm.
Amanda: His little, his peen seal breaks.
Erin: [Laughs]
Melody: Whoa! I was thinking it was very much like lactation, but you know –
Erin: Oh!
Sarah: [Laughs]
Melody: – that’s where my –
Erin: Moo!
Melody: It’s true! He’s like, I haven’t felt this –
Sarah: I am in Target and I’ve heard a baby cry: pa-chew!
[Laughter]
Melody: It’s true, it’s true! So since puberty, and, like, he’s – [laughs] – Erin’s dying!
Amanda: Well, I mean, it is like they’re going through puberty, especially, like, the dry humping, like –
Melody: Yes!
Erin: Ugh!
Melody: Oh, it’s so good! So he does do that bite, and then we find out that that’s the on-, like, that only happens with someone that you’re forming the capital A Attachment with. Yes.
Sarah: Attachment. Yes –
Erin: There are several steps to Attachment, the fourth one being –
Sarah: Mm-hmm.
Erin: – the most hilarious of all.
[Laughter]
Erin: In my personal opinion.
Melody: It’s true! Okay, so then their big, giant ship, the Origin – I almost said the Odyssey –
Erin: Her ship.
Melody: – different story – yeah, her ship crash lands on the planet, and they’re like, we’ve got to get there. So they start walking, and that’s when they walk through the forest.
Erin: Mm-hmm.
Melody: And as – so he’s fine, because he’s got this diamond-plated armor that’s –
Amanda: In gold, like gold-scaled.
Sarah: And he’s gold!
Melody: Yeah, yeah, yeah, and he’s gold, you guys. So – and he’s giant, of course, you know, and, like, we’ll talk about his dick later, but that’s a whole thing too.
Amanda: There are no, like, short kings in romance, I feel like.
Erin: No.
Amanda: They’re all like six-four!
Erin: It’s true, yeah.
Melody: Yeah. So –
Sarah: Dicks like tree trunks.
Melody: – they’re walking through. He’s hav-, he’s totally impervious to the foliage. Meanwhile, she’s getting cut to shit by these, these, what you think are leaves –
Erin: Horny murder plants.
Melody: – but they’re just horny plants, yeah!
Erin: Yeah.
Sarah: They’re just horny plants; they just want you –
Melody: So then –
Sarah: – to be horny.
Erin: Yeah.
Melody: Yeah! So then, as she’s walking – listener, we shit you not – as she’s walking, every once in a while she just, like, stops to, like, hump her hand a little bit, and then he’s like – [laughs] – and then he’s like, oh God, I’ve been holding back because she’s mad at me and I don’t like this thing, and also the Attachment! That’s really confusing, and my, my –
Amanda: But she seems miserable with how horny she is!
Melody: Yes! And I know that I can fix that horned-up burning sensation!
[Laughter]
Melody: And so, does he, does he – oh! So he comes up behind her and he, like, kneels behind her, and he rubs on that clit for her, and maybe he puts a finger in her! I, I don’t even remember!
Erin: He does!
Amanda: They all blur together, man! [Laughs]
Melody: They do!
Sarah: There is one moment where she says –
Melody: ‘Cause I remember –
Erin: Yeah, go for it, Sarah!
Sarah: – his, his fingers –
Melody: – I was worried about the claws!
Erin: Yeah.
Sarah: No, his fingers slip inside me like butter.
Melody: Like butter!
Sarah: Who sticks butter there? Nobody sticks butter there!
[Laughter]
Sarah: Listen, I’m doing a lot of baking in the Quarantimes –
Amanda: That is –
Sarah: – I have like four pounds of butter in my house. There is no butter, no –
[Laughter]
Amanda: That’s just, like, a UTI or yeast infection, like, waiting to happen.
Erin: Oh yeah, absolutely.
Sarah: Oh, that is just butter vaginosis right there; you don’t want that. But –
Melody: Yeah, true.
Sarah: – his fingers slip inside her like butter. Erin, what’s your quote?
Melody: But she’s so wet!
Erin: Later –
Melody: She’s wet down to her kneecaps!
Erin: Later it’s described as cream, which is even grosser to me.
Melody: Oh yeah!
Amanda: I hate it!
Melody: Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh.
Erin: You know, I had a –
Sarah: Which is, which is –
Erin: – I had a highlight that I don’t think I want to read out loud.
[Laughter]
Melody: Please, Erin, please, for me?
Sarah: No, no, no, no, Erin, I think you do.
Melody: For me?
Erin: It says, if I wasn’t inflamed between my legs, I am now. With my thighs pressed together, between my legs a wetness seeps onto them. So she’s seeping onto his legs. Can’t help it. Not with the thought of his dual tongue tips licking through the thick folds between my thighs, and that’s when we realize he has a forked tongue like a snake.
Melody: [Laughs]
Amanda: Erin, you read that like someone was, you were a hostage.
Melody: Yeah.
Amanda: Just making that, making you read that to your family.
Melody: Amanda, that’s at least one-third of our podcast.
[Laughter]
Erin: You should really listen to the other double-penetration planet one where I was forced to read things out loud that I, I –
Amanda: Which one is that?
Melody: Mastered by Her Mates.
Erin: Yeah, Mastered by Her Mates. Episode 39, my friend.
[Crosstalk, laughter]
Amanda: Making a note right now.
Melody: Oh yeah.
Erin: Wait! I have to say something.
Melody: Okay, but then – yes, Erin.
Erin: Part of her backstory, she says that she’s never been horny before because she’s in the military, and because she’s in the military, she doesn’t have any use for sex –
Melody: Nope.
Erin: – or horniness.
Melody: That’s not what she says at all.
[Crosstalk]
Sarah: – sexuality.
Melody: No, no. She said she has been genetically engineered to do that. That’s what she says.
Erin: She’s been genetically engineered to not have babies. She hasn’t been genetically engineered –
Sarah: Mm-hmm. No, no, no, no.
Melody: No!
Sarah: Erin’s right: she’s genetically engineered to not have, to not be, to not be able to have babies –
Erin: Right.
Sarah: – but at one point she says, the long repression of my sexuality is over. I have no reason left not to suck his cock.
Melody: It’s because she’s in the military she’s been like I’ve got to turn this part of me off. I’m no longer a woman; I am only a general.
Erin: Wow!
Sarah: This book does a lot of weird things with gender that I’m not sure I can wholly unpack.
Erin: I do want, I just want everyone to know –
Melody: No.
Erin: – that that’s not how military works. [Laughs] Everyone –
[Laughter]
Melody: Erin –
Sarah: Is that not it?
Melody: – you had sex while you were in the military?
Erin: I did. I did not, I – I did.
Melody: Wow, that blows my mind.
Erin: Yes.
Amanda: Unbelievable.
Melody: Wow.
Erin: It’s not how it works.
Melody: Incredible. All right, I feel like that’s against several rules.
Erin: It is, it is. There are several rules.
Melody: But, you know.
Sarah: What branch of the military, though? The horny branch?
Melody: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Erin: The army, yes, yes.
[Laughter]
Melody: The horniest, horniest of all branches!
Amanda: That’s great, ‘cause my brother’s in the air force, and I don’t want him –
Erin: Least horny of the branches is the air force.
Amanda: to know he’s in the horny branch.
Sarah: No.
Erin: So, so low.
Melody: See, I have the opposite: my brother’s in the navy, and I’m like, get yours, man, you know?
[Laughter]
Melody: I don’t know! Is that not, is that a weird thing?
[More laughter]
Melody: I just feel like everybody should be happy –
Amanda: Your relationship with your –
Melody: – and be having orgasms. I don’t care who you are!
[Laughter]
Amanda: Your relationship with your brother is yours and yours alone.
Melody: Yeah! We don’t talk about it! I don’t want to know the details, but, like, you know, do you! Be happy!
Anyway, so, so then she turns around and she’s like, must have this cock in my mouth! It’s got to be –
Amanda: We need to –
Sarah: Because it’s gold!
Amanda: We need to talk about it, ‘cause it’s –
Melody: Of course we do!
Amanda: – it’s ribbed. It’s got a little –
Everybody: – spiral!
[Crosstalk]
Sarah: We’re, we’re all making finger spiral gestures!
[Laughter, crosstalk]
Amanda: You know! And then, where is that – I highlighted this – I mean, yeah, he’s, there’s the, he’s ribbed scenario –
Melody: Mm-hmm.
Amanda: – and then he refers, he’s like, the thick covering at the tip pulls back –
Melody: Mm-hmm.
Amanda: – inside her mouth –
Melody: Mm-hmm.
Amanda: – exposing my most vulnerable place –
Erin: Mm-hmm.
Amanda: – my Achilles heel.
Melody: Yeah.
Erin: [Laughs]
Amanda: That’s where it’s at.
Melody: How did you picture this? I pictured it almost like a Venus flytrap.
Sarah: Oh my God, me too!
[Laughter]
Sarah: [Cackles like hen who has just laid an egg]
Melody: Or maybe, maybe that, that alien sort of thing that’s like a Venus flytrap but, like, with four petals?
Erin: Yeah!
Melody: You know? Like it really –
Amanda: Ohhh!
Melody: – zhoomps out? And then you’ve got that soft, squishy center. [Laughs]
Sarah: All right.
Melody: [Snorts]
[Laughter]
Sarah: So Amanda will tell you that I have a little thing for How to Train Your Dragon; it’s one of my favorite children’s movies?
Erin: Ooh!
Sarah: And there is a dragon in the How to Train Your Dragon world called the Snaptrapper, which has multiple –
Amanda: Coincidentally, that’s what I call my vagina.
[Laughter]
Erin: Amanda, yes!
Melody: I mean, hot!
Amanda: [Laughs]
Sarah: The Snaptrapper was, like –
Melody: I’m into it!
Sarah: – like a three-pronged Venus flytrap, so it had two on the top, one on the –
Amanda: Very aggressive –
Erin: No, I can see that.
Sarah: Right!
Melody: I love it!
Sarah: So I think that’s kind of what it looked like. It was like a little myee!
Melody: Yes, I think so! And I, you know, I didn’t hate it!
Erin: [Laughs]
Amanda: My imagination did not go that far, and I just thought it was a, like a, an uncircumcised situation.
Erin: Yeah, I just thought it was like regular foreskin.
Amanda: Sure! Yeah! Yeah!
Erin: But I do love that the only way to kill a Ssedez is to just stab ‘em right in the dick. That’s the only way to get ‘em.
Melody: Right in the dick!
Amanda: [Roars]
Melody: You know? Like, just, buh!
Erin: Right there.
Melody: [Laughs]
Sarah: I also love the, the idea of Fated Mate penetration is not his dick, it’s his teeth.
Erin: Yes.
Sarah: Because it’s his teeth that are going to determine his fated person. That the –
Erin: Yeah.
Sarah: – that, that the person that he’s going to form the Attachment with is going to be the one who makes his teeth drop –
Erin: Yeah.
Melody: Yeahyeahyeah.
Sarah: – but the dick is his vulnerability. It is not his greatest strength –
Melody: Uh-huh.
Sarah: – it’s not the tree trunk of his love; it is the part where he can die.
Melody: Yes!
Erin: Oh! That is very astute!
Melody: She holds that power in her mouth –
Amanda: Mouth?
Melody: – and hands.
Erin: And wherever she wants to hold it –
Amanda: Yeah! Wherever it –
Erin: – you know?
Sarah: It ends up in a lot of places.
Amanda and Erin: It does.
Erin: There’s no anal though! I really thought that was a missed opportunity.
Sarah: No, there was a finger.
[Laughter]
Sarah: It was just a little toodle-oo.
Amanda: Was it, no, they’ve got to –
Melody: You know –
Amanda: – keep stuff for the sequels, okay?
Erin: That’s true.
Sarah: ‘Cause you know there’s – oh –
Melody: You have to –
Sarah: – act three was like a whole line of sequel bait.
Amanda: Yeah.
Melody: Which, oh yeah, and I’m going to read all. Of. Them.
[Laughter]
Sarah: Amanda, you, you have done a glorious thing here, Amanda.
Melody: You have!
Amanda: You’re welcome! You’re so welcome.
Melody: I owe you a debt.
Amanda: [Laughs] A life debt! Okay.
Melody: I do! Okay, so then they keep on going, right, and they, like –
Sarah: Through the woods.
Melody: – and – oh, what, what Erin?
Erin: Well, this is the part where she sees him glittering in the sunshine, and –
Melody: Oh, like Edward Cullen, yeah.
Erin: – she asks if he is the same Oten that put the stars in the sky of the universe with the refracted light of his skin, and he was like, no, that was my dad. And I just want to pause –
[Laughter]
Erin: – like, okay, there’s some kind of –
Melody: [Laughs]
Erin: – that the Ssedez created that this dude’s dad, because his skin was so shiny, floofed all the stars into the sky. Like –
Melody: Floofed ‘em right up.
Amanda: Floofed, yep.
Erin: – recently! Like, you would think that these people would have seen stars before his dad was born, right?
Amanda: Well, I thought his dad was –
Melody: Well –
Amanda: – super old.
Erin: But the race –
Melody: Yeah, they live to be like a thousand –
Erin: – is not, like, just two generations old! Like, they’re a species –
Amanda: Thought this was like a –
Sarah: No, they, they live a long time.
Amanda: – like an Odin scenario –
Erin: Yeah!
Melody: That’s true.
Amanda: – if you know what I mean.
Melody: It was sort of like the –
Erin: Also, if I’m going to read about somebody –
Melody: – the creator god kind of thing.
Erin: – named Odin, O, O-ten that’s, like, not Odin but Oten, like, I better get an eyepatch out of the situation. That’s how I feel.
Amanda: Would love an eyepatch though.
Erin: Yeah!
Melody: [Laughs]
Amanda: I have a weakness for an eyepatch.
Erin: Same.
Melody: It’s true. Anyway –
Amanda: What’s under there? You don’t know!
Melody: – I thought that they did that for, that was, like, propaganda. You know, it’s like, we’re so –
Erin: Ah, so.
Melody: – we never die. We’ve been alive for millennia, and so my dad’s –
Erin: For sure.
Melody: – the one who, like, floofed the stars up into the sky, you know?
Erin: [Laughs]
Sarah: With glittery nipples, yes.
Melody: That’s right, yeah!
Erin: Yeah, okay, okay. That makes more sense.
Melody: They’re very talented little glittery nipples.
Erin: She –
Melody: Anyway, so, yeah –
Erin: – sucked his golden dick yet?
Melody: Yes. Oh yes.
Erin: Okay, yep.
Sarah: Yeah. Yeah, that, that, yeah.
Erin: All right, cool. All right. I will flip then.
Sarah: That, that’s chapter five –
[Laughter]
Sarah: – golden dick, chapter five.
Erin: Okay. ‘Kay, ‘kay, ‘kay. All right, I’m on six now.
Melody: So then they keep going, and –
Sarah: Through the woods.
Melody: Yeah. They, they’re like, they keep on having to, like, either masturbate or, or, you know, bone or whatever.
Erin: They don’t actually bone yet.
Sarah: – the sun, though. They figure out that it’s the sun, the sunlight.
Melody: Yeah, ‘cause they stop at this – oh my gosh, we’re going to one of my favorite parts of the book.
Amanda: [Laughs]
Melody: They stop at a, they stop at a stream, okay, and this idiot, the golden one –
Amanda: This idiot!
Melody: – runs straight up, stuffs his whole face into the water –
Sarah: It’s fine!
Melody: – and drinks all the water! Like, first of all, you, didn’t you, didn’t you ever see Crocodile Dundee? You can’t stick your whole face in!
Erin: She’s like, I have to filter! And he’s like, nay. Save your filter.
Melody: No!
Sarah: It’s fine.
Erin: Slurp, slurp, slurp, slurp.
Amanda: But the atmosphere, like, the sun’s dangerous, the plants are dangerous; like, why –
Erin: Yeah.
Amanda: – wouldn’t you think that the water is also dangerous?
Melody: Also, I love the fact that he eats that fruit, which is apparently the only thing that does not intake the toxin –
Sarah: Yeah.
Melody: – for some reason? You know –
Erin: She does say, does it make it worse?
Melody: – there’s water –
Erin: And he say, it might, but it’s better than biting you. So it might actually make him horny.
Melody: Yeah, but I thought he tested it!
Sarah: So can you, can you imagine he’s, you know, you’re, you’re wa-, you’re wandering through the Forest of Horniness –
Erin: Yes.
Sarah: You’re, you’re in, you’re in Never-Laid Forest –
Erin: I’m here, I’m with you, yep.
Melody: Humping trees.
Sarah: Humping trees, rubbing your –
Amanda: This sounds exhausting!
Sarah: – rubbing yourself on the bark because you, you got itches down there –
Melody: Just need any friction.
Sarah: – and here’s this guy, this six foot tall, golden doodle –
Melody: Yeah, yep, mm-hmm.
Sarah: – with, like, a big papaya, and he’s just –
Melody: [Laughs]
Sarah: – sucking his fangs in it to keep from biting you! Like, you look back and he’s like, om-nom-nom-nom.
[Laughter]
Sarah: Why? Wh-wh-why, why? Wow, okay!
Melody: Well, because he can’t put ‘em in her! Okay, so here’s what happens: he drinks all the water, and all of a sudden he is just like, he’s seizing on the ground. He’s shaking, and he’s –
Erin: This is my favorite part.
Melody: – so hard, you guys. He’s, like, hard up to the sky, and she comes over, and when she’s like, what’s the matter with you? I’m sure I can help if I hop on that D! And so I think that’s when she does! She just, like, hops right on! Yes! And, oh gosh, it’s lovely!
Erin: She gives him an HJ first, I think.
Sarah: Ha.
Melody: Maybe there’s a, maybe there’s an HJ –
Erin: There is an HJ first, because –
Melody: – and then he, like, flips her over.
Erin: – my thought was, like, an HJ is not going to handle this. Like, it barely handles stuff –
Melody: No!
Erin: – on a non-sex planet. Like, you’re going to need to get in there with more than that!
[Laughter]
Sarah: Yeah. And, and if you don’t have, like, a Fleshlight to back you up here, you’re, you’re going to need to –
Melody: Yeah!
Sarah: – you’re going to need to, you know, hop on.
Erin: That’s right.
Melody: That was –
Erin: Funniest part of the book for me –
Melody: – they –
Erin: – though, when he just, like, got the tremor, like, ahhh! The tremors going through him? Ah.
Melody: Oh, it’s so good. So then that creates this sexual frenzy in which he just, like, keeps biting her and keeps boning her, and she just, like, keeps orgasming. You know, like, it’s just this whole thing, and they do, they go for hours and hours and hours and hours. And then the sun goes down.
Sarah: And it sets up conflict number one, which is –
Melody: Yes.
Sarah: – I don’t like you, but we are forced to bone by the atmosphere.
Melody: We have to.
Amanda: Gotta!
Melody: We have to, we have to.
Sarah: The weather is, the atmosphere is making us bone, but I hate you.
Erin: Right.
Melody: Yes. And it’s so, it’s so yummy.
Sarah: Which causes some, some funky consent issues.
Amanda: Yes.
Melody: Yes.
Sarah: Which are later addressed, but initially are not.
Melody: That’s true!
Erin: I –
Melody: That’s true. Wait, so, we, we – sorry, listener – he hates her because the humans did a genocide on them –
Sarah: Yeah.
Melody: – a long time ago.
Sarah: Unfortunate – like a couple hundred years ago. So all those –
Melody: Yeahyeahyeah.
Sarah: – humans are dead.
Melody: Of course. But they, like, they, they, like, you know, went away and they, they hid for a really long time, and now –
Amanda: They, like, faked their extinction or whatever.
Melody: That’s the one, yeah.
Sarah: Mm-hmm.
Melody: Yeah. Because humans in the Ten Systems – capital T, capital S – are, like, their whole thing is, we dominate the universe, and so that’s what we’re doing. So –
Sarah: TL;DR: Capitalism.
Melody: [Laughs] Right. Yes! And she, meanwhile, is, hates him because he did kill like half of her crew at the very least and, and got her whole ship ruined.
Erin: Mm-hmm.
Sarah: Yeah!
Melody: But they have to bone! So then the sun goes down, and they’re no longer, like, murder-horny anymore. And –
Sarah: Murder-horny!
Erin: Wait, no!
Sarah: Murder-horny!
Erin: No, no, no.
Melody: Yeah!
Erin: No.
Melody: But, I’m so sorry, what?
Erin: No. No. This part where he comes in her is the grossest stuff I’ve ever read –
Melody: [Laughs]
Erin: – this week for sure.
Melody: I loved it.
Sarah: This week. This week!
[Laughter]
Sarah: Next week we don’t know; last week was something else.
Erin: I pull out of her and see the thick fluids I poured into her dripping out of her swollen folds. I want them to stay in her –
Melody: That the one.
Erin: – so I urge her thighs closed, but she moans, no, reaches down between her legs, massages herself. She soaks her fingers in the come at her opening –
Sarah: [Laughs]
Erin: – and raises the dripping fingers to her lips, leaving a trail –
Sarah: Br-r-r-r-r!
Erin: – on her belly –
Melody: All the way up her abdomen.
Erin: – and then licks her fingers clean, looks at me with hungry eyes and says, more. Bleah!
[Laughter]
Erin: Especially after it’s described –
Amanda: Disgusting!
Erin: – as meaty? I just couldn’t –
Melody: Oh yeah.
Oh my gosh, so this sets up the other part of this, in which she feels completely unfulfilled by any sexual encounter they have if he does not come inside her.
Erin and Melody: Which –
Amanda: [Laughs]
Melody: – is a whole, oh boy, that’s just a whole basket of wow.
Erin: Yeah! I don’t know if you ladies have thought about how they didn’t even talk about condoms, you know?
Melody: [Laughs]
Sarah: There are, there, in, in space –
Melody: Erin –
Sarah: – there are no condoms!
[Crosstalk]
Erin: They didn’t talk about –
Melody: Just like bras: they don’t exist in space.
Sarah: Yeah!
Erin: They didn’t talk about –
Amanda: I’d be –
Erin: – whether they’ve been tested? They didn’t talk about any of that!
Amanda: I’d be surprised if Oten –
Melody: Erin, stop trying to be me right now. Don’t, we’re in space, stop, stop making –
Erin: I’ve told Melody many times that if you’re fucking a monster you don’t have to worry about STDs, and every single time –
Melody: Yeah!
Erin: – we’ve done a monster episode she’s been like, they don’t even talk about condoms!
[Laughter, crosstalk]
Melody: So she’s trolling me right now.
Amanda: I mean, I wouldn’t be surprised if Oten has never seen a condom in his life.
Erin: Of course not!
Melody: Of course not!
Erin: Yeah.
Melody: No, because, because – this is so good. Okay, also, this species is just incredible because, so he is, she’s shocked because, you know, he does hate her. She’s shocked that before they do anything, he makes her come at least once before his, before he even approaches her with his penis.
[Laughter]
Melody: And so she’s like, this is really nice of him! Like, I’m totally ready regardless; he could just shove it right in and we’d be good! But we find out from his perspective that Ssedez females don’t –
Erin: Bone dry.
Melody: – they don’t open. So they’re bone dry, they don’t sec-, they don’t secrete, as he says –
Erin: Yeah, why, why did he have to say that word?
Melody: Oh God, I loved it! And then, and then, also, they don’t, like, their vaginal opening does not open unless they come once, which I think –
Erin: That’s kind of nice.
Melody: – humans should adopt.
Amanda: [Laughs]
Melody: Like, can we figure that out, you know?
Erin: Keep ‘em closed.
Melody: Keep ‘em, you know, yeah! But, but, like, from an external force.
Erin: Sure.
Melody: You know, something that you can’t control. I think it’d be great for womankind all over the place.
Anyway, so then – oh, I lost my train of thought.
Erin: [Laughs]
Melody: Damn it! [Laughs]
Amanda: You were talking about the water and the, the shaking –
Melody: Oh yeah!
Amanda: – and the sex.
Melody: Yeahyeahyeah! So then they, they realize they’re less horny at the night times because, they realize, that the sun, like, activates everything, and it basically makes this toxin, like, evaporate into the air, and, and it’s –
Amanda: It’s humidity!
Melody: – like – yeah, it’s also like a 125 degrees or something insane.
Amanda: Yuck.
Melody: And so then they, they, they, like, go the next day. They do another day of road-tripping.
Erin: No, no, next day she’s a snake!
Melody: Oh, that’s right! I’m so sorry!
[Laughter]
Erin: He wakes up, and she’s a motherfucking snake.
Melody: [Laughs]
Sarah: She’s gold –
Erin: She, she’s got –
Sarah: – she has fangs!
Erin: Bumps –
Melody: She’s got that forked tongue!
Sarah: Got a forked tongue!
[Crosstalk]
Melody: They do, they do –
Amanda: – trying to talk!
Melody: – make outs!
Erin: Everything she says –
Melody: They do forked tongue make outs!
Erin: – is now hilarious, ‘cause she’s got –
Melody: [Laughs]
Amanda: Yeah.
Erin: – a snake lisp –
Melody: ‘Cause she has this –
Erin: – where’s she’s like –
Sarah: Yeah.
Erin: How dare you do thisss to me? Like –
Sarah: Yeah.
Erin: – so nothing she says can be taken seriously in any way.
Sarah: My two favorite, my two favorite quotes from this whole fucking book are in this chapter.
Erin: We –
Sarah: My first one: she’s gold, she’s a snake, she’s got tough skin –
Melody: Oh yeah.
Sarah: – she’s got a forked tongue. She, he, she has begun to transform into his species.
I rush to the pack of survival supplies, not caring that I’m still naked. Like I give a shit. I’m gold now anyway. Water is more important.
[Laughter]
Sarah: So, like, when I’m having a bad day, I’m going to be like, like I give a shit; I’m gold now anyway.
Erin: I’m gold now!
Melody: That’s right! [Laughs]
Sarah: I’m gold now! Bitches, shut it, get out of my way. I’m gold now; like I give a shit. Like, her priorities adjust in a very pragmatic fashion?
Erin: Yes.
Melody: I love her.
Erin: But it’s a good thing!
Sarah: She doesn’t like –
Erin: It’s a good thing –
Sarah: Yeah, but she’s –
Erin: – that she’s a slither snake now, because she’s –
Melody: Yeah!
Sarah: She’s protected?
Erin: – her, her whole, her skin –
Melody: Her bodysuit has been ripped to shreds by all the sex! So she’s like –
Erin: Well, no, and the plants!
Sarah: And the plants.
Erin: Yeah!
[Crosstalk]
Sarah: The plants can’t hurt her anymore.
Melody: Yeah.
Erin: Yeah!
Sarah: But then this brings up conflict too, because his tooth venom and jizz have combined to transform her into she’s gold now, like she gives a shit, but she did not consent to being turned into a gold snake woman.
Amanda: And she’s pissed!
Sarah: She’s mad. She’s not happy.
Melody: She’s not, and he, and before he finds out that she’s mad, he’s a big ol’ consent worry too! He’s like, I didn’t know this would happen! Oh no, I’ve turned her into a slither snake –
Erin: And then she’s like, bullssshit!
[Laughter]
Melody: But I kind of, I really just liked –
[Crosstalk]
Melody: I’m, I’m sorry, Amanda.
Amanda: No, I, I feel like it’s fair that he didn’t know, considering, like –
Melody: Yeah!
Amanda: – they don’t mate with humans –
Erin: Right!
Melody: Yeah!
Amanda: – so –
Melody: How would he know?
Erin: Yeah! There would be no way to know! Oh –
[Crosstalk]
Erin: But I kind of hated that, like, sex with him made her, like, become his thing? Like, I don’t know, the thing that’s cool about alien books is that they’re different things and they come together over the, the adversity of being –
Sarah: Literally.
Erin: – like, totally different species.
Sarah: For sure.
Erin: I kind of hated that she, like, conformed to his deal, but, you know.
Amanda: Can you imagine he would be if he woke up and he was a, like a fleshy human man –
Erin: Yeah!
Melody: Oh my gosh!
Amanda: – instead?
Melody: Honestly, I would be pissed! Like, here’s the thing: my whole thing is, this happens to her, and it is a surprise, you know?
[Laughter]
Melody: There’s no two ways around it.
Erin: It’s a sssurprise!
Sarah: But you know, if you’ve already crash landed on a sex planet, there have been a lot of surprises in your day. What’s –
Melody: Yeah!
Sarah: – one more? You’re gold now anyway, like you give a shit.
Melody: That’s right! So she’s fucking pissed, and then she, like, she just, like, walks naked through the forest where she would be, she would be demolished the day before. She’s totally fine now –
Sarah: Yeah!
Melody: – and she still is like, me wants be weak human again.
Erin: Mm-hmm.
Melody: Hurry! Drink all the waters to make sure that I get human and less impervious to all danger! What?!
Erin: Yep.
Melody: I don’t know. I had a, I had a hard time with that part. Like, at least delay it until you’re out of the, of the vicious forest.
Sarah: Right, it’s like a temporary buff.
Amanda: Right!
Sarah: You get good orgasms, and you get, you get impervious gold skin, and –
Melody: Yeah!
Sarah: – you know, a forked tongue. I mean, apparently kissing with forked tongues was like a whole thing for them, and they –
Melody: Yeah! It was like acrobatic make outs in there.
Sarah: Oh, she, like, wrapped her forked tongue around his fangs and started yanking on ‘em like they were his –
Melody: Yeah, oh –
Sarah: – like they were his, his schlong? Like, whoo!
Melody: She started blowing his fang to suck the venom out with her forked tongue! Everyone –
Sarah: Whoo!
Melody: – this thing is pure magic! I won’t hear anything else! [Laughs]
Sarah: All right, Melody? Melody? We have to take a timeout for a very big challenging questions for you?
Melody: Yes, please.
Sarah: Forked tongue?
Melody: Uh-huh?
Sarah: The Seeker.
Melody: Oh, shoot, this is tough! This is tough!
Sarah: ‘Cause remember, the forked tongue can give blow jobs to fangs, but the Seeker –
Melody: That’s right.
Sarah: – repairs your asshole.
Melody: It does! It does; it makes sure that you’re all healed up so that you can go for marathon sex sessions.
Sarah: Yes.
Melody: Although, he has healing properties in his mouth, and so I’m going to go forked tongue, because it’s the best of both worlds! Can you, do you remember when she described that forked tongue, like, swirling around her clit?
Erin: I did.
Melody: Do you remember that? [Laughs]
Erin: I did, I did. It wasn’t great for me.
Amanda: [Laughs] It wasn’t great for me!
Erin: Wasn’t good for me, no.
Melody: Ahhh!
Amanda: Seemed pretty good for her, though.
[Laughter]
Sarah: I mean, it sounds like what human men are missing is a forked tongue!
Erin: Can I ask if –
Melody: Sure.
Amanda: I’d be, I’d down with a forked tongue, I feel like.
Erin: Ugh, no.
Melody: As long as it wasn’t a surprise.
Sarah: Erin, what’s your question?
Erin: Yeah, but she, like, describes it, like, lapping at her cervix. I don’t know. I was just like, no –
[Crosstalk, laughter]
Melody: Yeah, any kind of –
Sarah: Yeah.
Melody: – cervix talk, I get a little, ugh! about. But –
Sarah: Hard no.
Erin: – I, my question is, why does Nem still get wet when she’s a snake lady? Because he said that snake ladies are bone dry down there, and then when she –
Sarah: It’s true.
Erin: – becomes a snake lady, she’s still just like, pfft, like a fountain, just, like, gushing.
Melody: So here’s the thing: I have an answer for that, and I feel like it’s scientifically based, okay? [Laughs]
Erin: Okay!
Melody: At the end, at the very end – spoiler alert! – they decide to be together forever. She decides to be bitten forever; she decides to bite him too. It’s a big HE-fucking-A. And when he –
Sarah: It bites, yeah.
Melody: – introduces her to his crew, they’re like, who, who’s this bitch? We don’t remember a lady on the boat –
Erin: Right.
Melody: – and he’s like, this is my forever mate. She is now human and Ssedez –
Erin: So the only –
Melody: – and so –
Erin: – human quality she retains –
Melody: – she, she retains her bone structure; she, she doesn’t get, like –
Amanda: The cheeks and the lips.
Melody: – bigger or whatever – yeah.
Erin: Okay, all right, I accept your science.
Amanda: She –
Erin: Let me please read this passage.
Melody: She still gets, she’s still open without an orgasm all the time, like us stupid humans, you know.
Amanda: [Laughs] Idiots.
Erin: I would like –
Melody: That’s right!
Erin: – to read a passage to you.
Sarah: Please do! Please do, ‘cause I’m curious –
Melody: I’m so excited.
Sarah: – if it is my favorite passage, which I will share shortly.
Erin: I think it might be, based on your previous favorite passage.
Sarah: Yes.
Erin: I looked down at my breasts. My nipples are now gold, jewel-like points. Still sensitive, though.
Melody: Boi-oi-oi-oi-oing!
[Laughter]
Amanda: From rubies to gold. An upgrade.
Erin: Still sensitive, though!
Melody: Still sensitive, though! Get it, girl!
Sarah: So –
[Laughter]
Melody: I love it!
Sarah: – as you guys know, I live outside DC, and my next-door neighbor works for NASA. He’s a very –
Amanda: Where is this story going?
Sarah: – and I am really tempted to ask him about any alien life forms that they have discovered through NASA and –
Melody: Yeah!
Sarah: – whether they involve forked tongues –
Amanda: Any snake men out there?
Sarah: Yeah, any snake men and, and sex planets. But I don’t think I want to do that, ‘cause I have to live here.
Amanda: Just get real drunk before you do it.
Melody: Yeah!
Sarah: [Laughs]
Melody: All right.
Amanda: Or, like, text, text them and be like, sorry, wrong number.
[Laughter]
Amanda: Mis-, mistext.
Melody: It’s the other astronaut I know.
Sarah: Yeah, sorry.
Melody: I know several.
Erin: If he does tell you that there are sexy aliens and that there is a sex planet –
Sarah: Mm-hmm.
Erin: – and that all of these things exist, I am –
Melody: Yes.
Erin: – begging you not to tell Melody.
[Laughter]
Amanda: Melody’s going to be sneaking on to the next space –
Melody: I might Interstellar Bride myself right up there. I don’t –
[Laughter]
Sarah: No!
Erin: It’s not because I don’t want her to live her dreams or I don’t want her to live her best life. This is, this is because I love Melody. Like, I –
[Laughter]
Amanda: She’s going to board the space shuttle in a wedding dress –
Erin: She couldn’t handle it! She couldn’t handle it.
Amanda: – just ready to go.
[Laughter]
Melody: I think I could handle it, madam!
Erin: You couldn’t handle it.
Melody: I think I am especially equipped!
Erin: I don’t mean that you couldn’t handle it sexually.
Melody: [Laughs]
Erin: I’m saying that you would be lost to the sex planet forever. We’d never, your children, none of us would ever hear from you ever again. Your children would grow up motherless.
Sarah: But Erin.
Erin: Yes.
Sarah: Erin –
Erin: Yes.
Sarah: – imagine the Kindle Unlimited series –
Erin: [Laughs]
Sarah: – come out of this, this adventure.
Melody: This is what I’m –
Erin: – never write it! She’d never write it; she would have no time!
Melody: I would live it.
Erin: She would be gone!
[Laughter]
Amanda: It’d be a mem-, a memoir.
[Laughter]
Melody: Oh yeah. You wouldn’t even get a postcard –
Erin: No!
Melody: – you know?
Erin: No! Your children would be like, tell us about our mother. What was she like?
[Laughter]
Erin: Where is she now?
Amanda: Listen –
Erin: She’s getting DPed by six aliens right now.
Melody: [Laughs] She’s so happy, guys! She’s so happy.
Erin: She loved you so much, but just not as much as she loved getting dicked down by multiple aliens in front of a crowd. That’s –
[Laughter]
Erin: Hooo –
Sarah: All right.
Melody: All right, we have to get back to this book.
Erin: Yeah, I thought this book was going to end –
[Crosstalk]
Erin: – without them having sex in front of a crowd, but they did it.
Sarah: So once they end –
[Laughter]
Amanda: Checked that box.
Melody: Anyway, all right.
Sarah: I was surprised that there was no anal, but I suppose you do have to leave something for the sequels.
Erin: It’s true.
Amanda: Yeah!
Sarah: So once –
Melody: Forgot about that digital action, you know.
Amanda: It’s, the anal is the final frontier.
Melody: Mm.
Sarah: Oh yeah, we’ve already got sex fangs –
Amanda: Yeah.
Sarah: – and a forked tongue. Anal’s just, like, pfft, boring.
Melody: It’s true.
Amanda: Whatever.
Sarah: Yeah, whatever.
Amanda: Old hat.
Sarah: So eventually they have to get to her ship, and her ship is on the other side of a mountain, which is not made of penis, so she can’t do anything with it, so she decides –
Erin: True.
Sarah: – with her human agility, now that she’s transformed back into a fleshy human –
Erin: Oh, wait!
Sarah: – she’s just going to climb up the wall! No sweat!
Erin: Yes.
Sarah: He cannot climb so easily, and he is mad. He’s very sad about this.
Erin: Yes.
Amanda: Oh darn!
Sarah: But then they end up in a cave.
Erin: In a sex cloud!
Amanda: It’s a cave.
Sarah: It’s a sex cave, and in –
Melody: In the sex cloud!
Sarah: – in a sex cloud. We have ascended into a new layer of the atmosphere, so at this layer –
Erin: Uh-huh.
Sarah: – with, you know, the cirrus clouds, there’s some sexy clouds, and they’re in a cave, and they have –
Amanda: Yes.
Sarah: – complete blackout cave cloud sex.
Melody: I mean, they, they, they are forced to attempt to fuck each other almost to death! Like –
Erin: [Laughs]
Amanda: Fuck yes!
Melody: Like, they, there’s – [laughs] –
Sarah: And then they black out!
Melody: Neither of them want to, and they just have to keep fucking!
Amanda: I feel like that’s how Melody wants to go out. I’m just saying.
[Laughter]
Melody: No!
[More laughter]
Melody: I care about my vulva too much, Amanda. I’m sorry; it’s too much.
Erin: So what I found hilarious about this chapter mostly was that he, she’s, like, way up top; he’s climbing way lower than her; and –
Melody: Yeah.
Erin: – he’s in the sex cloud, and he’s like, hallucinating sex, sex visions –
[Laughter]
Erin: – and he, he calls out for her name – [laughs] – calls out for her name, and, and she is, like, yelling in, like, pain, like she’s in trouble, and so he, like, scrambles –
Melody: Yeah.
Erin: – and I thought, stupidly, ‘cause I’m a big, big, dumb dummy, that maybe she had fallen or was injured or was trapped somewhere –
Melody: Mm-mm.
Erin: – or another alien had come, because there was that other alien, remember, that attacked them –
Amanda: Erin, did you forget what book you were reading? Erin?
Erin: But he gets there, and she’s just, like, furiously masturbating, and she’s like –
Melody: That’s right.
Erin: – I’m horny!
[Laughter]
Melody: Put it in me!
Erin: That’s why she –
[Crosstalk]
Sarah: – life-threatening horniness; the only answer is more cowbell, or in this case gold alien dick.
Melody: It’s true. But we did miss a couple of things that I just want to blow through real quick: there is that attack by that big giant beast, and they do do that teamwork that, and so he starts thinking like, oh, we’re doing a teamwork and it’s a big hot. And then –
Sarah: She’s a warrior! Rawr!
Melody: Yeah, rawr. And then he does, he does nurse her until she’s human again.
Erin: Yes.
Melody: He, like, he, like, you know, he dicks her down a little bit, but only because they’re both –
Amanda: [Laughs]
Melody: – they’re both crazy and he doesn’t know what’s going on either. It literally is like, I imagine myself blah, blah, blah – oh God! I’m right here! There’s her clit! Oh no! How did this happen? So then, but then he does, he, like, helps her flush all the Ssedez venom out of her body, and –
Sarah: Ssedez jizz.
Melody: Yeah, and he promises that no matter how much he wants to, he’s never going to bite her again without her consent –
Amanda: Liar.
Melody: – because he wants her consent. And so then, then he starts chomping on those fruits, and now we’re in the cave and then it’s a blackout. They’ve, they, they must have fucked each other to death, I’m thinking to myself, and then I’m like, no, it’s a romance novel; we’re fine.
Erin: – HEA though.
Amanda: It could be an HEA.
Erin: Yeah!
Melody: Fair. Yeah. So she wakes up in, in, like, a camp in her ship, and all of, all of her crew is there, and it turns out maybe one hundred percent of them are women –
Erin: Were all women –
Melody: – which would mean –
Erin: – the whole time.
Melody: – so happy.
Sarah: Yeah!
Melody: Yeah.
Sarah: Some of them –
Melody: And all the smart ones who wanted to rebel against the Ten Systems were all women!
Sarah: Yep! But they were all hiding their gender because they weren’t allowed to be women. They had –
Amanda: I also –
Melody: She forced them to stay hidden.
Amanda: Yeah. I got the sense that her crew kind of fucking hated her –
Melody: Yeah!
Erin: Yeah.
Amanda: – a little bit.
Melody: Yeahyeahyeah!
Erin: Yeah.
Sarah: Yeahyeahyeah. She was, she was not the leader that she thought she was.
Erin: No.
Amanda: No.
Melody: Right.
Erin: No.
Melody: She turns into the leader that she thought she was though –
Amanda: Does she?
Melody: – you know?
Erin: Does she?
Melody: Okay.
Erin: ‘Cause I –
Melody: All right, Erin, you’re right!
Erin: I have some things to say about that.
Melody: Anyway –
Sarah: Is this from a, is this from a romance perspective or a former military perspective?
Erin: I think a human perspective? Like –
[Laughter]
Erin: a, a per- –
Sarah: But she’s not human anymore; she’s a gold-plated, dual-breasted, fork-tongued love machine.
Erin: Yeah, I feel like –
Melody: That’s right.
Erin: – I feel like as, like, a citizen perspective, like –
Melody: [Laughs]
Sarah: Yeah.
Erin: – I don’t know. I –
Sarah: And her crew was fine without her!
Melody: Yeah!
Amanda: Yeah!
Sarah: Like, they were all fine.
Erin: Oh, completely fine.
Sarah: They were like, listen, we all took our suits off and we’re like, we’re all chicks. Couple of them got stuck in an escape pod and took care of each other? Like, oh!
Melody: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Erin: I would read escape pod –
Melody: Would love that novella –
Erin: Yeah.
Melody: – Robin. If you want to give us that novella –
Erin: Yes.
Melody: – you know.
Erin: [Laughs]
Sarah: Oh yeah, escape pod lady love: I think that there is an audience for that one, because –
Erin: Yeah.
Sarah: – you know.
Erin: Into it.
Melody: But, like, okay, so –
Amanda: So –
Melody: – they all, they all shed their armor and they’re like, oh my God, we’re all ladies, and we hate the Ten Systems, and we hate the military, and we hate chain of command, so let’s be a democracy now! So they decide to be a democracy and vote on things, and then, like, she shows up and she’s like, I’m horny for Ssedezes, and I –
Amanda: She’s a cockblock for democracy is what she is.
Melody: [Laughs]
Erin: It’s true.
Melody: Yeah! You’re right, Amanda. No truer words –
Amanda: She is!
Melody: – have ever been spoken.
Erin: Yeah! ‘Cause at the, like, they’re like, no, we’re going to keep him – we voted – we’re going to keep him chained up down there. Like, we voted: we’re not going to get with the Ssedez; we’re not going to have an alliance. And then, like, at the end she’s like, hi, my people would love to make an alliance with you guys, without even, like, talking to her crew!
Sarah: Nope.
Melody: Well, I –
Erin: It’s a problem.
Sarah: She’s bad at diplomacy.
Melody: Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Erin: She’s bad at democracy.
Melody: Yes. But this is when – so this is before they find out that he did it on schmaccident. You know, he wouldn’t have done it had he known –
Erin: Then go back to your crew –
Melody: – they were just –
Erin: – explain it to them –
Melody: I know.
Erin: – make an appeal –
Melody: Yes.
Erin: – take a fucking vote. That’s what this is! That’s what this is!
Melody: I know. I know!
Erin: They should kill her. They should kill her!
Melody: [Gasps] Erin!
Sarah: Well, they don’t have to; she’s gold!
[Laughter]
Melody: You can’t make her walk the plank for this! Come on!
Sarah: Stay gold, horny girl, stay gold!
Erin: Stay gold!
Melody: That’s right.
Erin: [Laughs]
Amanda: Can we make that into a shirt? Stay Gold –
Sarah: What, Stay Golden, Horny Girl, Stay Golden?
Amanda: Yeah.
Erin: I mean, she might be right –
Melody: Yeah.
Erin: – but she still has to get a consensus, which she doesn’t even think about doing.
Sarah: And then –
Melody: No, she doesn’t.
Sarah: And then, then we get the glow-in-the-dark invisible dude.
Erin: Oh, Covfefe [Koviye]?
Melody: Yes! Who is an actual sex god, I found out from the blurb from the second book.
Sarah: [Laughs]
Amanda: Yeah. Yeah!
Erin: Yeah, he seems like a sex shaman of some sort.
Melody: That’s right. Yep.
Erin: So –
Melody: Okay –
Erin: – how –
Melody: – wait, okay, so she sneaks down, gives Oten the, the anecdote, an-, antidote to the –
Erin: That was also a big mean: they were basically torturing him by not giving him the antidote.
Melody: Mean?
Erin: That’s a big torture.
Melody: But she does still do it secret- –
Erin: That is not Geneva Convention nonsense.
Sarah: And he boarded their ship and tried to kill all of them.
Amanda: I don’t think the Geneva Convention –
Erin: I don’t understand it!
Amanda: – stretches to this planet.
Melody: You can’t, you can’t let him die from horniness! That’s so mean!
Erin: He’s not going to die of horniness!
Melody: They’re supposed to be the better ones, right? They’re supposed to be anti-Ten-Systems, and yet they’re going to torture this man by not giving him the antidote that they have readily on hand?
Erin: I’m saying she’s right! She just needs to not sneak behind the back of her, her lady friends.
Melody: Oh, to give him the antidote? Fuck everything. Sneak. You know, the rest of it? Get a consensus, sure, you know?
Amanda: Is, is Erin usually this unsympathetic? Because I love it!
Melody: Yeah. Yeah.
[Laughter, crosstalk]
Melody: Yes.
Amanda: I just wanted to check.
Melody: This is who Erin is! [Laughs]
Amanda: That’s fine!
Melody: And definitely the law and order arm of the podcast, I would say.
[Laughter]
Sarah: Yeah. Yeahyeahyeah, for sure.
Melody: She is the rule, she’s the rule-follower arm of the podcast –
Erin: You should check out the episode on –
Sarah: I knew that part.
Erin: – Love Hacked by Penny Reid. [Laughs]
Amanda: Oh boy.
Melody: She gets real mad about national security.
Erin: I just don’t, I just don’t understand why cyberterrorists need to be heroes in our, in our romance novels!
Amanda: Okay, I want your opinion, Erin, if you ever do watch this movie – I watched it last night – called Outside the Wire. It’s new on Netflix. It’s got Anthony Mackie, it’s kind of sci-fi, militaries using, like, robots and, like, biotech now.
Erin: Okay.
Amanda: But there are questionable things, and I was, like, trying to text my brother, who is like seven hours ahead of me, like, asking him all these military questions.
Erin: Okay.
Amanda: So –
Erin: I will! I’ll watch it!
Amanda: – I want your thoughts! I want your thoughts.
Erin: Okay, all right. Outside the Wire.
Amanda: Outside the Wire: it’s on Netflix.
Erin: All right.
Melody: Ooh, I’m going to, I’m going to watch this with Michael. Yeah.
Amanda: It just came out this week, I think.
Melody: Okay, so she does sneak over to him, gives him the antidote. She also, like, gives him some salve for his raw cock –
Erin: Oh my God!
Melody: – because they both –
Sarah: They fucked themselves raw.
Erin: Her whole career, her whole crew had to, like, rub salve on her vulva!
Melody: Yeahyeahyeah.
Erin: Her coworkers!
Amanda: That’s friendship, right there.
Melody: It is. It is friendship.
Amanda: Like, I’ve, I’ve had the same roommate for six years, and I don’t think I could ask her to do that.
Erin: No! Imagine your coworkers!
Sarah: But would you do that for her?
Amanda: No, I also would not do that for her, no.
Sarah: [Laughs] Can we ask Stephanie?
Amanda: I was like, she has hands! She can figure it out.
Erin: Melody would do that –
Melody: What if she was unconscious?
Erin: – for anyone of us, and I want you guys to know.
Melody: Of course I would! I’m not going to let you go around with a raw vulva that hurts so bad! No!
Sarah: She’s asleep! She’s not experiencing it; she’s unconscious.
Amanda: Yeah! I’ll give her some Advil if she wants some of that.
Melody: I mean, I’ll probably wear a glove for both of our, you know, wholeness, but –
Amanda: But don’t make eye contact!
Melody: – of course I would!
Amanda: No! Don’t look at me!
Melody: Yeah! All right. So –
Erin: So then the other guy, so then the –
Melody: Yeah, and then she fucks off –
Erin: – guy shows up, the Koviye guy.
Amanda: Yeah.
Melody: Yes. And he is invisible, and then, then he materializes, and I –
Sarah: And he glows.
Melody: – I love that – yeah – I love that he, like, goes around them being like, hello, hello, hello!
[Laughter]
Melody: Like, from different areas all around!
Sarah: He’s like the Cheshire Cat of sex.
Erin: Yes! Yes.
Melody: [Laughs]
Amanda: Instead of, like, the smile appearing first, it’s like his dick appears first.
Sarah: Pretty much, yes. And he’s the one who’s like –
Erin: His erection appears first.
Sarah: – I’m going to give you the proper names for what you’ve experienced, and these names will be a bit of a letdown, because the gas is called the desidre.
Erin: Desidre.
Melody: Yeah.
Erin: It’s like desire, but, like –
Melody: The desidre.
Erin: But he also informs him that they are rebels of the Ten Systems, and this is when he’s like, no! Of course! They can’t be! She would have told me! And I’m like, why would she have told you a fucking thing, man?
Melody: Yeah.
Erin: You are jumping to a lot of conclusions here, and she was so distracted by the desidre or whatever it is –
Amanda: So horny!
Erin: Yeah, so horny.
Sarah: That said, she gave several major clues, and I can understand why he did not under-, why he did not –
Erin: Yes.
Sarah: – pick up the clues that she was putting down, but she was always curious, not like, I would like to destroy you, I’m just going to kill you, but like, wait, didn’t your dad, like, make the stars and stuff?
Erin: True.
Sarah: Like, she was, she was intellectually research-curious, not how do I kill you faster and easier? Because, I mean, she could have –
Melody: Right.
Sarah: – killed him like twenty-five times while they were boning. She could have been, like –
Amanda: I’m just saying that –
Sarah: – praying mantis the hell of this whole situation.
Amanda: – if you –
Melody: Yeah.
Amanda: – if you lied by omission, could you blame it on extreme horniness?
[Laughter]
Erin: Just, like, in life?
Amanda: Like, I –
Erin: Or in this book?
Melody: – have to!
Amanda: – I totally forgot to tell you, I was just so horny that day that, like –
Erin: [Laughs]
Amanda: – it totally slipped my mind.
Erin: I’m going to try it.
Melody: Well, I think she –
[Laughter]
Melody: – I think she also, she said something about, like, well, not all humans want to, like, you know, search and destroy or –
Sarah: Yeah!
Melody: – whatever, and he was like, you go fuck yourself! I know about humans.
Sarah: Right!
Melody: Yes, they, all of you, all of you are the same.
Sarah: Yes. And she had just escaped, they had just escaped the Ten Systems, and they were on their first trip outside of their military hierarchy.
Erin: Yes.
Sarah: They had just escaped, so it makes sense that she’s not like, oh yeah, we’re totally not with them, no worries, ‘cause she doesn’t understand who the fuck these guys are, and they just –
Erin: Right.
Sarah: – killed half her crew! So –
Erin: Mm-hmm.
Sarah: – she made clear signals that she was not evil, but he was, of course, operating under the assumption that she and people on her crew were responsible for their genocide, and she had to –
Erin: Right.
Sarah: – keep telling him, no, all those people are super, super dead ‘cause we don’t live as long as you!
Erin: Mm-hmm.
Melody: Yeah. I, I –
Sarah: We’re all dead, dude!
Melody: I mean, but the Systems are the same.
Sarah: Yeah. Yeah.
Melody: Right? Like, even though those, those people are dead, the, the –
Sarah: The Ten Systems have not improved.
Amanda: No.
Melody: Yeahyeahyeah, the, their whole, their whole deal has not changed, so I can sort of understand where he’s coming from on that.
Sarah: Yeah, they both have underst- – I can’t believe I’m saying this – they both have –
Melody: [Laughs]
Sarah: – understandable motivations not to trust each other –
Melody: Yeah.
Sarah: – either, even as they bone each other to death.
Erin: But I feel like once we find out that she’s a rebel and she’s not part of the Ten Systems and that they were leaving for science or whatever –
Sarah: Mm-hmm.
Erin: – that then the blame shifts onto Oten for, like, they, they, like, murdered these people without ever, like, communicating –
Sarah: Right.
Erin: – with them or whatever, and no one stops to be like, hey, General Nem, like, why were you cruising through restricted airspace in the first place? No one asks that question! Isn’t that –
Sarah: No.
Erin: – kind of like a bad general move to, like, just –
Melody: And why hadn’t you changed all, like, the, they talk about changing the colors or, like, the signage on the thing, because they just saw a warbird –
Erin: Yeah.
Melody: – coming into their system, and they thought, oh fuck, they found us!
[Crosstalk]
Erin: Why didn’t he send a communiqué –
Melody: In a hundred years.
Erin: – up to them to be like, hey, prepare for an invasion, ‘cause we might –
Melody: Right.
Erin: – go ahead and do that.
Sarah: Uh-uh! No! That’s a hard no. You’re just going to blow that shit out of the sky –
Melody: Exactly!
Sarah: – ‘cause it looks like war, and it’s been war before. Why would you be like, maybe it’s not war this time? Nah, nah –
Melody: Yeah, yeah.
Sarah: – it is, yo. It totally –
Erin: It’s her fault for flying into their area.
Melody: No, yeah, but that’s a –
Sarah: Yeah.
Melody: Yeah.
Erin: Yeah.
Sarah: The balance, the balance of guilt is weird, because all of a sudden, once Oten knows that he has attacked a ship that was a research vessel, even though he had exactly zero ways of knowing that in advance, he’s like, oh no, we have a done a dishonorable thing, and we must help. And I’m like, why?
Erin: Yeah! The second part, sure, but no guilt!
Sarah: Yeah, dude, you didn’t know –
Melody: Yeah.
Sarah: – there was no way for you to know, and the magical –
Amanda: Plus –
Sarah: – sex gas was not going to make this apparent.
Erin: Mm-mm.
Amanda: This whole –
Melody: Right.
Amanda: – book is just one bad luck incident after another.
[Laughter]
Sarah: It really is.
Amanda: Flying into their airspace, landing –
Sarah: Crash landing –
Amanda and Sarah: – on the sex planet –
Sarah: Yep.
Melody: I love it. It’s fate, you guys.
Erin: Right. So we’ve got to get to, like, the woods and the magical sex light.
Melody: Yeah, so they find each other –
Sarah: Oh, and the, and the, and the see-through town.
[Crosstalk, laughter]
Erin: Oh, I’ll get there.
Amanda: I could not visualize that see-through town for the life of me.
Melody: I could!
Amanda: I bet you could!
[Laughter]
Amanda: Bet she’s visualized it before it was even written! She already had this in her head!
Melody: No, this is, this is all Robin Lovett? This is everything that, this is just sheer brilliance, frankly.
Sarah: So you Lovett, that’s what you’re saying.
[Laughter]
Melody: Okay, so they dec- – okay, so also, he has gone, so the four steps of Attachment are like physical desire – that’s when your fangs come down for the special one, and then it’s like, like, intellectual and, like, emotional, and then the last one is you would die for them.
Amanda: But, like –
Melody: So he’s been fighting, he’s like, I can do the physical stuff, it’s fine. I’ve done the physical before; I can, I can get out of this. Like, I can hit reverse and, and get out of this. But then he’s realizing that at this point, he knows he’s a goner emotionally and intel-, intellectually –
Sarah: Yep.
Melody: – and all of that, and I think the guilt almost speeds that up, because suddenly he’s like, everything I’ve been fighting just, like, drops, and he’s like, oh my gosh, she’s, she’s the most perfect entity that’s ever been, you know?
Sarah: Yep!
Melody: And I need her and I want her and she’s mine and stuff, but he’s not telling her that because he knows that she’s, uhhh, skittish.
Amanda: [Laughs]
Melody: So they go, they, this, so then we have another tiny road trip where Koviye takes them to, he’s going to take them to the communication station at their town where he can send word up to his ship, and then they can go get supplies and, like, fix the origins, and it’s a whole thing. But on the way –
Sarah: All of a sudden, all of a sudden this planet is so well populated.
Melody: [Laughs] I know!
Sarah: After they wandered in the woods –
Melody: Oh yeah.
Sarah: – with, like, one wildebeest and a pond –
Melody: Uh-huh.
Sarah: – all of a sudden there’s like –
Melody: Uh-huh!
Sarah: – whole cities and towns and shit. Like –
Melody: Uh-huh.
Sarah: – wow!
Erin: I thought of this, too, Sarah –
Melody: I love it.
Erin: – but I think –
Amanda: I love a map.
Erin: – in that whole week, they traveled like a mile, maybe.
Melody: Yeah!
Erin: ‘Cause they were going because they were –
Sarah: Oh, they were busy fucking, yeah.
Erin: – four steps and they were like, ugh! And then there were like four more steps.
[Laughter]
Erin: And then they kind of like collapse and masturbate again. And then they kept saying, like, we’ll travel at night so we can go more than ten steps without, like, having orgasms, and then they just wouldn’t! So I don’t think they went very far!
Melody: Well, they were so tired from the marathon sex, the, the, just the hypnotic sex they were having. So anyway, now they’re going, and he’s – [laughs] – he’s, like, trying to talk to her about stuff, and she’s being like, I’m genetically engineered to not be able to have kids, so you don’t want me, and he’s like, don’t you tell me what I want, and he takes her off into the forest, and he’s like, I want you! I want everything about you! You’re perfect to me, and I – you know, the whole thing, and so then they start doing it, and Koviye comes over and he’s like, I thought you might want to see those abs, so I’m going to glow on you –
Erin: Ahhh!
Melody: – and it’s going to be great.
[Laughter]
Melody: So he starts doing his, his internal glow stick thing, and –
Sarah: But he turns around so he can’t see –
Melody: So it’s like –
Sarah: – so basically –
Melody: Yeah.
Sarah: – his ass is glowing, I guess.
Erin: [Laughs] So it’s like a butt light!
[Laughter]
Melody: A butt light! So as they are, you know, doing the, the big dicking, the light comes over and – I love this – it hits her clit first, which I found hilarious. So the light comes over, this ball of light, like, comes over and hits her clit, and then it, it, like, shines under all of her molecules, and then it goes in through his dick and it shines under all his molecules, and then they can read each other’s minds, so he knows that she’s, she, you know, doesn’t –
Sarah: She’s the one.
Melody: – she can do this forever, and, but she wants to, and then she finds out that, like, this is the real Attachment, and he doesn’t care about children because he just wants her, no matter what that means for his life.
Sarah: Yes.
Melody: And so then she does a big freak out –
Sarah: Yes.
Melody: – because she’s like, oh, we can’t –
Amanda: There’s got to be one.
Melody: Yeah. We should, we can’t do this anymore.
Sarah: This is my –
Melody: We’ve got to, we’ve got to just –
Sarah: – third favorite line in the story.
Melody: Yes, go for it, Sarah!
Sarah: He is nothing more to me than a fascinating alien who is very talented at making me come.
[Laughter]
Sarah: That’s all he is. That’s it.
Amanda: We’ve all, we’ve all met that guy, right?
[Crosstalk, laughter]
Erin: That fascinating alien?
[Crosstalk]
Sarah: Very talented!
Melody: – six months, frankly.
Erin: Wait, wait, wait, but we forgot when he saved her life from the runaway thingy. In –
Sarah: Oh right! Where, and she’s like, you dumbass, I would’ve gotten out of the way!
Melody: We haven’t gotten there yet!
Erin: That’s, that’s later?
Melody: We haven’t gotten there yet!
Erin: Okay, I’m sorry.
Melody: Yeah!
Erin: Well, I have a lot to say about it, so when it happens, just know –
Melody: [Laughs] I will let you know!
Erin: Thank you.
Melody: I will let you know.
Erin: All right.
Melody: So then we go and we finally get to the magical translucent town of sex and orgies, and everybody’s house is made of, like –
Amanda: And it’s blue people! Everyone’s a Blue Man.
Melody: Everybody’s a blue one.
Sarah: Blue Man Group.
[Laughter]
Melody: And –
Amanda: A group of blue men.
Melody: So as they go through, they’re watching, like, these just, like, townhouses, rows of townhouses that are all made of translucent glass, and, like, at one point there they just see, like, a butt print against a glass, because – [laughs] – somebody’s getting dicked against that glass! And they’re like, what’s happening here? And Koviye’s very much like, I mean, we live in a society where we have to have sex all the time or die.
Amanda: We live in a society.
Melody: Like, what do you want from us?
[Laughter]
Sarah: We live with the sex gas, and this is how it works.
[Crosstalk]
Melody: That’s right. Also, they, like, judge each other’s character and blah-blah-blah about how you fuck.
Sarah: Mm-hmm.
Melody: It’s, they have a sex games. It’s like the Olympics, but just for them.
Erin: Oh yeah! They’re like, you have to stick around for the summer when we do our sex games! I’m like, what, what is – ? I want the book! What is –
[Crosstalk]
Sarah: [Hums Olympic theme]
[Laughter]
Melody: Okay.
Sarah: I’m Bob Costas; welcome to the Sex Olympics!
[Laughter]
Amanda: Everyone comes out with their flags –
Sarah: [Cheers]
Amanda: – and waving.
Erin: It’s like kinkiest wins, right?
Melody: There are so many torches, you guys.
Erin: Like, the kinkiest you can be?
Melody: Uh-huh! [Laughs]
Amanda: I wonder how bobsledding works when –
Erin: Bah!
[Laughter]
Melody: So, all right, so they do the whole communication thing; they’re going to get the stuff tomorrow, and she’s like, oh God, tomorrow! I never wanted to see him again, but now that it’s tomorrow, whatever shall I do? So then they get their own little clear fuck palace –
Amanda: Fuck pod.
Melody: – and – yeah! – and – [laughs] – Koviye leaves, and she’s like, I can’t be around you because you’ve become – oh no! They’re about to go into the fuck palace, and then what happens, Erin?
Amanda: [Laughs] Now’s your time to shine, Erin!
Erin: As they’re walking in to Fuck Castle –
[Laughter]
Sarah: Fuck Castle.
Erin: As they’re walking inside, a thing –
Melody: Yes.
Erin: – is, like, bad, and it’s, like, coming toward her, a, a small car or something is, like, zoom! Right at her, and then he –
Sarah: It’s a horse-drawn carriage.
Erin: It’s zoom, and there’s smoke – brah! – and it goes at her, and then he jumps in front of her to save her. And she’s like, you’re stupid; I would have moved. Whatever. Now he says, my God, the Attachment –
Melody: [Gasps]
Erin: – is now complete, because step four of Attachment –
Melody: [Hums dramatically]
Erin: – was that I have to risk my life to save yours. Which begs the question: back on Ssedez planet –
Melody: [Laughs]
Erin: – to get married, you have to –
Melody: Are they just orchestrating accidents?
Erin: Yeah! You have to be –
Melody: [Laughs]
Erin: – in a life or death situation where you lay your life on the line for the other one. So, but, yeah, I think they would have to just orchestrate an accident, and I think they’d be dying left and right!
Melody: There’s no proposals.
Erin: Yeah, no, there’s no proposals. It’s just like –
Amanda: ‘Cause near death –
Erin: – let’s drive our car at them!
Amanda: Very rarely –
Erin: Let’s drop a piano out of a building!
Melody: Yes! [Laughs]
Erin: Very rarely do you have in life the opportunity to sacrifice your life for your partner –
Sarah: Mm-mm, hmm.
Erin: – and if you do have that unfortunate event, a lot of times one of you is going to die! Like, that’s a really bad –
Melody: [Laughs]
Erin: – foundation –
Amanda: But the weird thing is, like, the Attachment, the steps are just bizarre to me in that, like, I have skipped to step four on a lot of things in my life. Like, I would die for my cat.
Erin: Sure!
Amanda: I would die for, like –
Erin: Sure.
Amanda: – a plate of chorizo nachos –
[Laughter]
Amanda: – at my little Mexican place.
Sarah: Night cheese?
Amanda: I would die for a good –
Erin: Oh yeah.
Amanda: – source of night cheese!
Melody: Mm-hmm.
Amanda: Like – have I Attached myself –
Sarah: Night wine needs cheese!
Amanda: – to – [laughs]
Erin: You’re right! Yeah!
Melody: All right, well, I think that it’s my burden now. I have to come at you with all of the Ssedez science.
Erin: Oh no!
Melody: Right?
Erin: Are you just saying, are you going – hey, listen!
Melody: [Laughs]
Amanda: Serious Ssedez historian.
Erin: Hey, before, before you even start, Melody –
Sarah: [Laughs]
Erin: – you try to come at me with, with the, it’s just like emotionally you would want to, you would if it were to happen hypothetically –
Melody: What?
Erin: – that’s not what it is, because I –
Melody: It is.
Erin: – read the book; it’s –
Melody: Do you want to know why?
Erin: – not.
Melody: Because they’ve both been fighting it so hard, Erin. If the Attachment is mutual, you don’t have to work so hard to prove the fourth step of Attachment. Also, he’s been fighting it because he knows that she doesn’t want it, so if he wasn’t fighting it so hard, then that would have clicked into place before, but –
Erin: Erin doesn’t believe you either.
Melody: – instead we need a car accident.
Erin: I see her face.
Melody: [Laughs] Ssedez science: you’re welcome.
Sarah: If the glowy dick doesn’t do it for you, dodging a vehicle is not going to make it happen either.
Erin: Boom! [Laughs]
Melody: I hate you all. So then they go into Fuck Castle.
[Laughter]
Sarah: A clear plastic –
Erin: Fuck Mountain –
Sarah: – see-through –
Erin: – they’re there.
Sarah: – Fuck Castle.
Melody: [Laughs] And she, so she’s very much like, wow, tomorrow’s our last day together, but we shouldn’t spend this time boning because it’ll just make it harder. She does that stupid thing that I hate in all media. Stop doing that! Just bone! Anyway, so then he’s like, what are you talking about? I can’t leave you! I have, I am now Attached! And she’s like, no! That’s just some bullshit, and I don’t believe you, and blah, and he’s like, no, I am incapable of leaving you, so then they have this big fight where she’s like, even if we were to get together, I only live for like seventy-five years! And so you’ll be so sad! And then he goes, you don’t have to. You know that you don’t have to stay human!
Erin: You can become a ssslither snake.
Melody: Ssslither snake! I can sslither up in ya! So they go to separate rooms, and then what I, I mean, it was just like tidy little bow. She just comes to her own conclusions. She’s like, you know what –
Sarah: I could be a gold, fork-tongue, immortal, sparkly –
Amanda: I could get into it!
Melody: It would be so much easier to take down the Ten Systems if I had ten lifetimes to do it!
Amanda: Can you just imagine, like, a, a She’s All That makeover theme –
Erin: Ahhh!
Amanda: – where she, like, walks down the stairs, and now she’s like a snake woman?
[Laughter]
Sarah: That’s pretty much what she does to her crew! They’re like, who the fuck are you?
Melody: Yeah!
Sarah: And she’s like, it’s me!
Amanda: She’s like, Sixpence, yeah, Sixpence None the Richer playing in the background.
[Laughter]
Sarah: So Kissth Me!
[More laughter]
Erin: Can I tell you guys what I wish would’ve happened in this book beyond all else is they, like –
Sarah: Oh, please.
Erin: – go back to the cliff where they found her, they take her back –
Sarah: Mm-hmm.
Erin: – to the, the, the ship and she wakes up, and she’s like, oh my God, the desire planet, in the air and the plants and the water, and, like, everyone else in the ship is like, no.
[Laughter]
Erin: Pretty –
Sarah: What are you talking about? It was fine.
Erin: Been pretty normal for us!
[Laughter]
Erin: What’s, what’s going on –
[Crosstalk]
Sarah: – thirsty.
Erin: That’s weird. No, there’s no such thing as desire clouds; that’s not a thing.
Sarah: Desidre rain. There was no desidre rain!
Melody: Erin. God, that would have been a stroke of genius!
Erin: That’s what I wanted beyond all else, but it didn’t happen for me.
Melody: [Laughs]
Sarah: So, like, in the last chapter –
Erin: It’s okay.
Sarah: – everything gets wrapped up.
Melody: Yep!
Sarah: She turns into a gold, fork-tongued snake –
Melody: Yep.
Sarah: – immortal sex thing.
Melody: She bites him. She puts her venom in him now.
Sarah: She bites him; there’s lots of, lots of, lots of biting and lots of tongue things.
Melody: That’s right.
Sarah: There’s, like, sequel people for days.
Amanda: Yep.
Melody: Right.
Sarah: There’s like a –
Melody: They do –
Sarah: – sequel farm.
Melody: Oh yeah! They do a whole Fuck Olympics just on their own?
Amanda and Erin: Yeah.
Melody: Like, just because they wants to for the whole town.
Sarah: [Hums Olympics theme]
Erin: And there is –
Melody: There’s a time where his unicorn come – spelled C-O-M-E –
Sarah: Yes.
Melody: – even though it’s a noun, which I found to be jarring every time –
Erin: [Laughter]
Melody: – splattered against the glass wall of Fuck Mountain –
Amanda: Yeah!
Melody: – and everybody –
Amanda: Having a Jackson Pollock of that thing!
Erin: He did!
Melody: – applauds!
Sarah: Everyone in the street is like, bravo, bravo! Well played!
Melody: They’ve never seen anything like it!
Amanda: – golf clap.
Melody: Oh!
Sarah: Well, I mean, it is sparkly, meaty, sweet.
Erin: Ugh!
Amanda: It’s meaty sweet!
[Laughter]
Melody: Like a honey-glazed ham!
[More laughter]
Melody: That’s all –
Erin: Disgusting!
[Crosstalk]
Sarah: Remember, he’s got this, it’s a spiral cut, ‘cause he’s got a –
[Screams, laughter]
Sarah: He’s got a spiral ribbing on his peen, so it’s a spiral-cut, honey-cut ham jizz!
Amanda: Yep.
Melody: Oh no!
Erin: But is it?
Sarah: Oh no!
Amanda: Oh boy.
[Laughter]
Melody: You’re dead!
Sarah: Oh, it’s so good.
Melody: Oh my God.
Sarah: Such good ham.
Melody: So then she goes back to the place to get the reactor stuff to fix the ship, and she’s like, oh no, what’ll ever happen if we don’t have the desidre in our bones anymore?
Sarah: Ba-da-bing-ba-da-boom!
Melody: But he’s like, don’t worry, my bone is just fine! And they got on that ship, and it’s cool. They’re mates for life. See, they can’t wait –
Erin: But not before she makes an alliance for humans with all Ssedez –
Melody: Right, yeah.
Erin: – without consulting anyone else on her ship.
Melody: [Laughs]
Sarah: Yeah, there’s a promising problem there.
Erin: And also, like – I mean, it’s a good idea!
Amanda: We get, like, go into her backstory of, like, what is it, like, her grandmother was, like, a researcher and –
Erin: Oh yeah.
Sarah: So all of a sudden she’s got –
Amanda: – did all this –
Sarah: – Ssedez backstory.
Erin: Yeah.
Melody: That her grandmother fucked a Ssedez too!
Erin: Or at least checked out –
Sarah: Oh yeah.
Erin: – one of their weens. Like, she –
Melody: Yeah.
Erin: – they made this whole thing that, like, if, if she knows about the Ssedez peen situation, she definitely was in love with a Ssedez. It’s like, or dissected one. Like, you don’t –
Melody: [Laughs]
Erin: – you don’t know –
[Crosstalk]
Erin: Whatever.
Melody: Wait! I forgot to talk about my other favorite part of this, this thing, and that’s when, when they’re in the forest, right before the glow stick happens, you know? The glow stick of illumination? They –
Erin: The butt light?
Melody: The, the butt light, yeah! So –
Sarah: [Sings] Turn on your butt light!
Melody: – she’s like – [laughs] –
Sarah: Let it shine wherever you go!
[Laughter]
Melody: She’s like, she’s like, guess what else I learned from my research? And he’s like, what is that? And she’s like, it wasn’t your come that made me sparkly gold! It was just your venoms! So you know what that means!
Erin: Yeah.
Melody: And he’s like, I’m going to come up all in you! And finally she gets the satisfying sex that she had been missing, because the meaty, sweet, honey-baked ham –
Erin: For like three days, because he came inside her like three days ago. It’s not like it’s been a desert of, like –
Melody: I just love the idea –
Sarah: There’s plenty of spiral-cut ham.
Melody: [Laughter]
Erin: It’s true.
Melody: I, I just love the idea that orgasms are not what we’re going for –
Sarah: Nonononono.
Melody: – with sex. That’s not, orgasms are not what’s going to make it ultimately satisfying.
Sarah: No, no, no, no, no.
Melody: It’s getting the, the baby goo up in –
[Laughter, crosstalk]
Melody: That’s, that’s really what does it.
Erin: Ugh!
Melody: And it’s just such a foreign concept to me that I thought it was hilarious! Man.
Amanda: Melody, have you considered a choice of being, like, an adult film screenwriter?
[Laughter]
Melody: I think they could only be parody adult films, you know? I –
Amanda: They’re, they’re out there!
Melody: They would be, they would be comedy adult films. [Laughs]
Sarah: Come –
Amanda: Come-, come-edy!
Sarah: Come-edy!
Melody: Come-edy! Eyo!
Erin: Well, Melody did write a –
Melody: Oh God.
Erin: – an autumn erotica for one of our Patreon episodes, and it was, I think, the best thing she’s ever done.
Sarah: Aww!
[Laughter]
Erin: And I mean that, like, because it was brilliant. Like –
Sarah: Aww!
Erin: – pumpkin spice lattes were shooting out of people. Like, it was honestly incredible.
Sarah: Wow!
Amanda: It’s sweater weather!
Erin: What was it called?
Sarah: Wow, wow!
Erin: It was like come inside her haunted mansion
Melody: It was called “Deep Inside Her Haunted Mansion.”
Erin: Yeah!
[Laughter]
Erin: It was so good, you guys.
Melody: [Still laughing]
Sarah: Okay, so, Erin, what did you think –
Erin: Of the book?
Sarah: – of this, of this book?
Erin: Comedy gold. I –
[Laughter]
Erin: – I had no pants feelings about book, but boy was it fun to read. [Laughs]
Sarah: I spoke to Amanda earlier, and I was like, what the fuck was that?
Amanda: Like, you’re welcome!
Melody: Yeah. It was everything –
Sarah: Thank you.
Melody: – it was everything good in the universe.
Sarah: Amanda, what do you think of this book?
Amanda: I mean –
Erin: How did you find this book?
Amanda: I don’t remember, ‘cause this isn’t – I think I, like, discovered it in, like, a publicity email when it first came out.
Erin: Oh!
Amanda: And I feel like if you just want, like, a weird book, turn your brain off for a second and just –
Melody: [Sighs]
Amanda: It’s one of those things where you, you just have to lean into it. You –
Melody: Uh-huh.
Erin: That is true.
Amanda: You just have to –
Sarah: Yeah!
Amanda: – to lean in, as –
Sarah: Yeah! You’ve just got to be like, I’m here for the sex gas –
Amanda: Yeah!
Erin: Mm-hmm.
Sarah: – and the sex venom and the –
Melody: Breathe it in!
Sarah: – spiral-cut ham and the meaty jizz. I’m here for it!
Amanda: Yep!
Sarah: Yeah! Melody, was this –
Amanda: Buckle up!
Sarah: – everything you could ever want in a book?
Melody: Honestly, it really was.
Erin: Yep.
Sarah: [Laughs]
Melody: It was, it was everything, it was everything that, like, my – this is the one, like, true gift that the podcast has done for me, because –
Sarah: Oh yeah.
Melody: – I didn’t know that my ultimate escape; my ultimate, like, just catnip; my ultimate, I mean, hilarious, right, ‘cause it’s, it’s equal parts hilarious and wonderful and, like, you, you still – it’s alien erotica. I didn’t know –
[Laughter]
Melody: – that that’s –
Sarah: Alien fucking!
Melody: – really what does it for me.
Amanda: I didn’t know!
Melody: And so, yeah –
Sarah: Alien fucking!
Melody: – this book, this book was a, an absolute gift for me and my hiatus reading, and I cannot wait to devour the rest of them! Can’t wait.
Sarah: I want to hear what you think of the rest of them. I hope that you are –
Erin: Don’t, oh, you will.
Amanda: I think that –
Melody: Just like I sent you a long email about the second book of Lords of the Satyr, I will do the same for this –
Sarah: Oh, thank you.
Melody: – Sarah.
Amanda: I think the third one has one of the blue ladies.
Erin: Oh!
Melody: Yeah, yeah.
Amanda: Yeah.
Melody: Yeah, yeah, no, the, hmmm, yeah, I think it’s the, the fourth. It’s the fourth.
Amanda: The fourth, yeah.
Melody: They, it’s a, it’s a sex goddess. The second one is his number two –
Amanda: Another Ssedez.
Melody: Yeah, it’s his number two Ssedez and the human that got captured, and so he gets to have, like, a second mate, I guess? Because his whole thing is his mate died.
Sarah: Yeah.
Melody: And I think maybe toxic desire planet fixes that for him; I don’t know!
Sarah: Erin?
Melody: Yes, Erin.
Erin: What a-, what about Jenie and the Koviye? Are they not going to get –
Melody: So that’s book three.
Erin: Oh, okay.
Melody: That’s book three, and, and they have to, like, go off, they have to go on a, a road trip as well. They go off planet, and I think, I think that’s a bunch of dream sex, because she, she knows, she’s got some alien DNA in her, I guess?
Erin: Melody loves dream sex. She –
[Laughter]
Erin: – this is, if you can believe it, another thing that Melody loves is when people come in separate –
Amanda: Melody, have you, have you read – what is it? The first book in, is it the Thea Harrison series?
Melody: I don’t know! I’ve never read a Thea Harrison.
Amanda: It’s the one –
Sarah: What, the dragon one?
Amanda: Yeah, with Pia, who steals the dragon’s hoard?
Melody: I’d love a dragon book.
Sarah: Yeah, Dragon Something.
Amanda: Pia, like, when he’s going after her, he appears to her in a dream and things get real spicy.
Melody: Yeahyeahyeahyeahyeah.
Erin: She loves the dream sex.
Amanda: Okay, so Melody, read Dragon Bound by Thea Harrison.
Melody: Dragon Bound.
Sarah: Oh yeah.
Melody: All right, I’m taking a note.
Amanda: Okay.
Melody: Yeah, so they, they just said they can’t actually do this because she, her alien DNA makes her, like, ultra monogamous, and his sex god whole deal makes him, like, definitely poly, and so they try to only have dream sexes, which he, like, she thinks they’re actually dreams at first, according to the blurb, and then it turns out that, like, they weren’t, like, super dreams, and so maybe, like, big consent problems, but I don’t know!
Sarah: I was going to say, that’s playing with consent again.
Melody: I know. I’m probably going to eat it up with a goddamn spoon, so who knows. Yeah, it’s, it’s good stuff. So –
Sarah: I want, before we wrap up, I want to –
Melody: Oh!
Sarah: – share with you my favorite line – yes, Melody.
Melody: Yes! Oh, no. No, I’m just saying the fourth one was the sex goddess, and then actually a, a human man who’s been genetically modified to be like a big Goliath too, so. And, and his whole skin doesn’t have any feeling at all, and so the whole premise of the book is that they have to go off to, like, some fuck cave so that she can heal his, his problem so that he can feel things on his skins. So she heals him with her sexiness. [Laughs]
Erin: Before you wrap up, Sarah, I just want to tell you guys, Sarah and Amanda, that there are things that Melody doesn’t like and I do. I feel like – [laughs] –
Sarah: I would never have presumed otherwise!
Erin: – I’ve been, like, a curmudgeon of, like –
[Laughter]
Melody: No!
Erin: There are things I like, I promise.
Sarah: No! I would never think that!
Erin: All right, okay.
Sarah: I would never think that.
All right, so this is the thing that I am going to cross-stitch?
Melody: [Gasps]
Amanda: Yes!
Melody: Yes!
Sarah: I’m going to put this at the top of every to-do list I make from here on –
Erin: Yes.
Sarah: – in my life, because I feel like this book had such a, a, a theme of productivity? Like, they were determined –
Erin: Ooh!
Sarah: – they were going to get through the woods; they were going to get through the sex forest; they were going to get through the, the horny pants; they were going to find the ship; they were going to do the thing!
Melody: Yes!
Sarah: So this is what I will cross-stitch. I will, I will send you the pattern if I make the cross-stitch. You ready?
Melody: Please!
Sarah: No orgasms from an enormous gold cock or fangs dripping in ecstasy will distract me today!
[Laughter]
Melody: That will go on my office wall.
Amanda: Coffee mug! It’s got to be on a coffee mug.
Melody: Yes!
Amanda: Like, not before I’ve had my coffee!
Sarah: Nothing –
[Laughter]
Sarah: Nothing will hold me back! Not orgasms from an enormous gold cock, not fangs dripping in ecstasy. I will get shit done today.
Melody: What a mantra!
Sarah: Nothing will distract me.
Amanda: I, I still like –
Melody: It’s going to be on my office wall.
[Laughter]
Amanda: I still like the Stay Golden, Horny Girl!
Melody: Yeah.
[Laughter]
Melody: Yeah. Yeah.
Sarah: It’s a gift. Thank you, Amanda!
Amanda: You’re welcome!
Melody: Thank you, Amanda, really! Oh.
[music]
Sarah: I hope you enjoyed that as much as we did, and thank you so very much to Melody and Erin for joining us to talk about this book. We had the greatest time. If you are looking for any of the books we talked about or you’re thinking, yes, I want to read about these fork-tongued aliens on a sex gas planet – well, yes, of course you do – we will have links to Toxic Desire and the other books we talked about in the show notes at smartbitchestrashybooks.com/podcast.
This episode is also brought to you by Ritual, a daily multivitamin, now available in Essential for Kids! This episode is not Essential for Kids, but this vitamin is! Ritual knows how difficult it can be to get your kids the nutrients they need. That’s why they made Essential for Kids to help fill gaps in the diets of ages four through twelve without making a single compromise to quality or taste. Not only do they have a natural citrus-berry flavor – yum – but they’re convenient by design. Each gummy features a three-in-one design that includes a daily multivitamin, vegan omega-3 DHA, and a good source of fiber per serving! I really like Ritual because of the convenience of the delivery and the fact that transparency is all over the product. Not only can I see through it, but I know where everything inside it comes from! When it comes to what goes into our kids’ bodies, they’ve got being picky down to a science – mine do, certainly. That’s why Ritual is offering my listeners ten percent off during your first three months. Visit ritual.com/SARAH to start Ritual or add Essential for Kids today. Visit ritual.com/SARAH.
Now, I end every episode with an absolutely dreadful joke, and I’m ninety-nine percent sure I haven’t told this one before, but if I have told this one before and you’ve heard it before and you’re super annoyed with me, please let me know; you can email me at SJ, SBJ, [email protected] or Sarah, S-A-R-A-H, at Smart Bitches, Trashy Books dot com [[email protected]], or call and leave a message at 201-371-3272. And if you want to leave me your own terrible joke – you don’t understand how much I love it when I get bad jokes in the mail and in the voicemail – all the mail, bad jokes, very good. So this joke, ninety-nine percent sure I haven’t told it before:
What do you get when you combine a porcupine and a turtle?
What do you get when you combine a porcupine and a turtle?
Slow-poke.
[Laughs] So silly! I love it so much!
Thank you so much for listening. On behalf of everyone here, we wish you the most awesome reading and a very relaxing few days, because, whoo, yes! I like relaxing.
Thank you again for listening. It is such an honor to have you and to be part of your routine each week.
Smart Podcast, Trashy Books is part of the Frolic Podcast Network. You can find more outstanding podcasts to listen to at frolic.media/podcasts.
[jumping music]
This podcast transcript was handcrafted with meticulous skill by Garlic Knitter. Many thanks.
Gotta be honest…was not expecting WALL-E to pop up when I looked at the “discussed in this podcast” list!
Two of my favorite podcasts joined together? Can’t wait to listen!
OMG I literally just finished this book this morning and immediately purchased and downloaded the rest of the series. It’s so fun and steamy!
@SBSarah, if you design that cross-stitch piece you described at the end of the episode, please make the pattern available so I can buy it! I would absolutely hang it in my home office.
Fear not! I’m working on this, and other silly things!